Chapter Ten
Annie – Sunday
I barely managed to sleep all night long, what with memories of Justin holding my book floating through my mind. I couldn’t believe that out of all the books in my store, he’d managed to find mine…that I genuinely hadn't known was there. It reminded me of how joyful it felt to sit at my laptop and to create a whole new world, one that was just for me. I recalled sitting there, leaving my not-so-great reality for a while, and becoming somebody new.
I didn’t think that I was any good at it, really, which was probably one of the main reasons I hadn't pursued it. Plus, I really had gotten too busy with the store.
It made me nervous to think about Justin reading a real part of me, the bit which I didn’t like to show anyone, not even Nancy, but he’d asked me outright, and I wasn’t able to refuse him.
I snuck out of bed, not wanting to wake my daughter, and I found the other copy of the book, the only one left now, and I had a flick through the pages, immersing myself in the crazy world of Mary Ann again. My character was accused of murdering her abusive ex-boyfriend, and the entire story was about her running away from that, scared of being blamed, and entangling herself up in other people’s lives without ever really meaning to. The reader wouldn’t find out if she was the murderer or not until the very last page, which I hoped would make it a very interesting read.
Oh God. Anxiety suddenly gripped my heart as I pictured Justin hating it, laughing at it, refusing to invest in me because of it…
“Mommy?” Luckily at that moment, before I could become a total and utter mess, Rae wandered into the room, rubbing her eyes sleepily. “Are you awake already?”
“I am,” I told her with a warm smile. “And considering I don’t have to go into work today, why don’t you, Nancy, and I have a girly day out?”
“You mean it?” she screamed excitedly. “I would love that. What are we going to do?”
“Well, why don’t you go and get dressed, and we’ll start by going out for breakfast? Does that sound fun?”
She raced from the room, not even bothering to answer me, so I sent Nancy a text to see if she was on board with my plan. I thought she might be, but even so when she sent an agreeable message back, I was pleased. This was exactly what I needed: a time out from the craziness of my life. Things were more than a little erratic at the moment, and I needed to take a moment to forget about all of it.
***
“Wow, your hair looks lovely!” I cooed as Rae stood up from the hairdresser’s chair. “They did such a good job with you.”
“Can I get my nails done, too, while you and Nancy get a blow dry? Can I? Can I?”
I chuckled and nodded at that, thinking that I had a real girly girl on my hands. When she first started walking, she’d seemed to be a real tomboy, always in the mud, always getting dirty, always playing football, but the older she got, the more into her fashion and beauty she became. I had no idea what she would be like when she was a teenager, and I honestly dreaded it.
While Nancy and I sat in the chairs to get ourselves done up, to give me a much needed confidence boost, she started on the line of questioning that I really wanted to avoid.
“So, have you heard from Mr. Investor yet?”
I did my best not to roll my eyes before nodding and telling her more. “Yeah, actually. He came to the store just before he went back to Portland.” Why did that sentence fill me with such a hollow sense of sadness? I didn’t care if he was gone; that didn’t affect whether or not he would invest in me. That could happen wherever he was based. Of course, very deep down I knew why, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to myself just yet. “He came in just for a coffee and a chat…”
“Ooh, I bet he did,” she teased. “Did he invite you anywhere again?”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that,” I insisted, feeling almost disappointed that I didn’t have a crazy story of sexual exploits to tell her. “He just came in for a coffee and to read a book. Actually, he found my book on the shelf.”
“What do you mean, your book?” I noticed her sitting up straighter in her seat, much to the annoyance of the hairdresser who was trying to trim her split ends. “Like, a book you wrote?”
“Yes,” I giggled awkwardly, feeling incredibly embarrassed. “I wrote a book a long time ago, when things were kind of tough, actually. I never did anything with it – I don’t know if I ever fully intended to – but I got a couple of copies printed out just in case. Only, I forgot about it, and he found it in among the other books.”
“Woah, I don’t even know what to say about that. I mean, obviously I need to read it at some point.”
Oh God, another person reading it. I wasn’t sure that I could cope with that. Two people in my life seeing more of me than I was willing to give. But of course I couldn’t turn her down, not after allowing a virtual stranger to read it.
“Sure, soon,” I smiled thinly. “Anyway, why don’t you tell me some more about what’s going on with you? I feel like all we do is talk about me these days.”
“Well,” she suddenly went a little coy, which grabbed my attention. There was definitely something that she needed to tell me, which made me feel bad. Was it my fault that all we did was talk about me? Was I to blame for that one? “Actually, I might have been on a date of my own.”
“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Only because it’s such early days.” She bit her lip and smiled secretly to herself. “But there’s something different about this guy, I think. I actually might really like him.”
As she described him to me, leaving no detail out, I found myself feeling a little jealous of how easily she found it to express her emotions when it came to romance. She didn’t ever have any reservations about falling for someone; she simply allowed herself to just feel. I wanted to force some of my walls to fall down, I wanted to just open up, I didn’t want to have that fear of being hurt all over again…
“Look at my nails,” Rae yelled happily before I could ask too many questions. “Can we go to that photo booth and get some nice pictures when you’re done? We can do some nice ones, some silly ones, some funny ones, and then I can put them up on my wall…”
“Of course, we can,” I said to her before turning back to Nancy. “She really doesn’t ever stop talking, does she?” We both started laughing at that, but in a loving way, which again made me feel grateful for my friend. She adored Rae just as much as I did, and I knew that she valued her as intensely as me.
I wouldn’t have been able to have the life that I did without having someone who I could trust with my daughter, so that was something I would never take for granted. “Anyway, I’m sure it’ll be fun.”
***
Rae was exhausted by the time I got her home, but over the moon with all her new purchases, her favorite of course being the photographs of all three of us. She’d got a new pair of expensive shoes and three dresses, but all she kept looking at was the pictures. We did follow her plan and do one of us smiling, one of us with our tongues out, and another with funny faces.
“Can I put this up on my wall now?” she asked through the sleepiness. “I want to look at it as I go to sleep.”
“I’ll stick it up now; you get your pajamas on before you fall asleep where you stand.”
As she clambered into bed, barely making it, I stuck the pictures up temporarily with tape, just to get her to sleep, but as I moved nearer to her to kiss her goodnight, I couldn’t help but notice the perplexed look on her face.
“What’s going on, sweetie?” I asked her, rubbing her cheek gently. “Are you okay?”
“Did you manage to find any photographs of my daddy yet? I’d like to put a picture of him on the wall, too.” There it was again, that question way before I was ready for it. How the hell can I tell my sweet, innocent young girl that I wouldn’t be finding any pictures of her dad anytime soon, and that it is with her best interests at heart? “It would be nice to see his picture when I go to sleep. Then I can pretend that isn’t dead anymore.”
“I, erm…I don’t know,” I replied thickly. “I haven’t had a chance to have a look yet, but I will. Maybe up in the attic.” What I really needed was for her to drop it before I felt compelled to confess everything, but I hoped that I could palm her off for just a little while longer.
“Okay, thank you, Mommy,” she accepted my explanation without even arguing for a second, for which I was really grateful.
I kissed and held her close, trying not to let the tears fall all over again, and as I did, I tried to think of anyone else but him. There were many reasons that I didn’t want to think about Rae’s father anymore, and the reason that he wasn’t here anymore was a massive part of that. So instead, I thought about Boffees, I thought about Jan and Tony and their “saved marriage.” I thought about Nancy and her mystery date. But the best distraction of all was Justin.
When I thought about him and the way that he made me feel, I couldn’t think about anything else. He gave me very inappropriate butterflies, and the more I thought about him back in Portland, hours away from here, the more I couldn’t help but wish I’d taken him up on his offer…
Once Rae started snoring, I slid out from underneath her arm and padded back to my own room where I lay in the dark, allowing my imagination to run wild. I thought about things that I would never dare to consider usually. I pictured him taking me back to that hotel room, kissing me, walking me over to the bed, claiming me, taking me, doing the naughty sorts of things to me that I hadn't experienced in years…
Oh God, it was exactly what I should be staying away from, even in my mind, but unfortunately, something had been sparked inside of me, a passion that had laid dormant for a very long time, and I wasn’t sure how I could shut it off again. I hadn't even considered a man for ages, I was always far too busy for that, but now the idea of being with Justin was consuming more of my brain than my business did, which was certainly a first.
I had to stop, I was perfectly aware of that, especially if Justin was going to invest in the business. I needed to be able to remain professional at all times; but while things were up in the air, while I wasn’t totally sure, I didn’t think that it’d hurt for me to just dream.