Chapter Thirty-Four
Eliza – Saturday
The rest of the week had been a bust. I even called Laynee on Friday and told her that I was too sick to come into work, just because I couldn’t face anyone. Luckily, I already knew that there were hardly any names written in that damn book anyway, so it didn’t matter.
I just felt so sick, tired, and totally worn out by the whole thing. Ever since that moment, standing there in the doorway of my grandmother’s cabin and watching him pull his car away, I hadn’t been the same. It was as if the emotional turmoil of losing Milo in such a brutal fashion had taken it out of me.
I just couldn’t understand it. One minute we were connecting, making love, having fun, and the next it was all just… over. I had to assume that it wasn’t just because of me, that I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but the way he spoke about what we’d shared still hurt.
When a knock sounded at my door, I couldn’t help myself. My heart leaped up into my throat and my mind instantly went to him. I wanted him to just turn up, apologize, and sweep me off my feet like a scene from a damn movie, but of course, that was never going to happen.
Before I even made my way to the front door, I forced those thoughts away from my mind so I wasn’t disappointed. He’d gone back to his real life, and it seemed that I was never going to be a part of it. I needed to accept he was gone forever so that I could get on with my own life. It wasn’t fair for me to lose anything for him if he had no intention of doing the same for me.
Damn Mrs. Edwards and her crazy advice. Her love story was obviously a one in a million thing. I’d gotten sucked in by the magic of it all and now I was paying the price for that.
I tugged the door open a crack, just to see a familiar shock of blond hair. “Hey, how are you today?” Laynee called inside, using her kindly tone of voice. “Feeling any better?” Of course, it was my best friend, she was such a good person, coming to see me when I was sick. I didn’t know what I’d do without her most of the time.
“Not really.” I didn’t want to turn her away when she’d made the effort to come and see me, so despite the fact that I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, I stepped aside to let her in. “Come in; I’ll make us coffee.”
“You look terrible,” Laynee mused, pushing past me to take over the kitchen herself. “But not sick. More drained.”
God, there is no hiding anything from her! Luckily, I loved her or she would have felt like a real busybody.
“Yeah, I guess that’s the best way to describe it.” I took a seat at my tiny dining room table, feeling it all. In a weird way, this was where it all began. Walking into this kitchen on that fateful morning when I was due to meet Milo, discovering the pipes broken. How different things could have been had that not happened.
“So, what happened? Are you going to make me wait forever?”
“It’s Milo,” I announced, and judging by her expression, that was exactly what she was expecting. Was I going on about him that much? Is this just like the time I moaned a lot about Josh? Maybe it’s time to take a step back and start dealing with my problems by myself…
But then she sat down in front of me, handed me a drink, and nodded at me to carry on. I could barely keep it inside any longer, and now that I’d had some encouragement I just needed to talk. “He’s gone. He just… left.”
“But I thought things were going well between you two? I thought you had an amazing Valentine’s Day?”
Ugh, just the memory of that amazing night was enough to have that sharp pain returning to my chest. I’d loved that time, I wanted to treasure it, but now the memory was tainted with what came afterward: the argument, the harsh words, him leaving me alone and heartbroken.
“We did, but then when I went back to see him, he was packing up his stuff.” I didn’t want to mention that I was going to try and work out if we could somehow make a future for ourselves because it seemed sad to think about now. I knew Laynee wouldn’t judge me for putting too much of my heart into this thing, but I would. It was ridiculous. I’d known it couldn’t ever go anywhere. I only had myself to blame.
“Did he explain why?” Laynee didn’t get it, which at least meant it wasn’t obvious. It would have been very difficult to learn that everyone was expecting it but me. If I’d been a blatant fool, it might have damn near killed me.
“No, he just said something like, ‘My life isn’t here, I’ve been wasting time hiding away in the middle of nowhere while everything else falls apart.’” No need to mention that I remembered it pretty much word for word. “Then when I asked him what was going on, he told me I wouldn’t understand. As if I am too stupid to get it or something. As if I’ve never been through anything myself.”
My heart sank at the memory, leaving me sad and hollow. Why had he yelled those words at me? What the hell had put him in such a temper? And why did he have to be so damn closed off? Why couldn’t he just sit with me and talk about things? Okay, so I wasn’t his girlfriend or anything, but we’d developed a closeness. I deserved that at least, didn’t I?
“What was it? His health, maybe? That woman? It could have even been his company.” She leaned forward and rested her hands over mine. “I wouldn’t take it personally, and I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Men don’t like to talk about issues; he’ll come back around.”
I’d considered all those options, but without anything to go on, it was impossible to know what was going on. He hadn’t given me any clue, which made it even more difficult. What if it was his health? I didn’t like to think of him lying in a hospital alone…
Then again, he didn’t look sick. It was much more likely that he just wanted to get away from me. It seemed more plausible that the other woman, the married one, had come back for him and he’d chosen her over me.
“But what if he doesn’t?” I asked her hopelessly. “He was just leaving; he wasn’t even going to tell me that he was going. He hasn’t called or anything since. Now he’s at home, in another state entirely. What if I never hear from him again?”
That was the crux of the issue, really. I was scared that I’d lost him forever, that the man who’d had such an impact on me would barely recall my name.
“I can’t guarantee that he’ll call,” Laynee told me, maybe a little too honestly. “You know how disastrous my love life is, after all. But you have survived worse, and you’ll get through this, too.”
“You think so?” It didn’t feel like anything had hurt as much as this. Rationally, I knew things had been harder before, but emotionally, it felt like the worst pain ever.
“I know so. Now let’s get some pizza or something; I’m starving, and you could do with some cheering up.”
“Yeah, all right.” It beat sitting around on my own at any rate. “Sounds good.”
“I know. I’ll pop out to the new Italian, get us some calzones. Will you be all right for a while?”
“I can cope.” I smiled weakly. “I’ll have a shower while you’re gone.”
As she walked out through the front door, it hit me that I was actually going to have to get up to get washed, that I couldn’t just use it as an excuse.
If I didn’t, Laynee would end up in a state of panic, which I didn’t need. She would make it her mission now to cheer me up, and I didn’t want to let her down. She was an incredible friend to me; sometimes I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t want to give her any unnecessary stress.
I flicked the tap on and watched the water pour into my shower, sighing deeply. I could not be bothered with any of this. All I wanted to do was collapse in my pajamas, but if I did that, I ran the risk of being dragged outside like that. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
When I stepped into the water and the steaming jets raced over my body, I actually felt glad for forcing myself to do it. It felt good to have my muscles loosened, and I could almost feel the stress ebbing away. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Maybe I would get over Milo before I knew it; maybe my actual Mr. Right was just around the corner. It would probably be a good thing to learn that this was just a chapter in the book of my life anyway, rather than the ending.
Milo was a hot guy, and being with him had been a whole lot of fun, but it felt so stressful the whole time. I was always so up and down. Plus, it turned out that he wasn’t such a nice guy. If anything, he was an ass. He acted like he was different, like his broken heart had wounded him and turned him into a nice man, but it was all an act.
If Laynee could get hurt over and over and still keep her faith in finding someone, even if she was taking a sabbatical from that right now, then maybe I could, too. Maybe I could just keep on going.
I moved out of the water and dried my body slowly, trying to let this newfound positivity rule me instead. I wanted to be in a much better mood when Laynee came back so that she wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe I could even get the gossip out of her about what happened when she went out on Valentine’s Day night. I’d been so wrapped up in my own problems that I hadn’t even asked her.
I had been a self-involved bad friend, and I didn’t want to carry on that way. I wanted to be so much better now. If I focused on that, rather than the gaping black hole that Milo had left in my life, then maybe I’d be able to get through it.
I grabbed my robe and threw it around my body, trying to walk with a bounce in my step as I made my way to the bedroom to get some clothes on, but it all felt so forced and fake. Still, eventually I would be okay again, and it was preferable to at least act happy until then.
It beat out moaning and complaining anyway, especially as it never got me anywhere. It hadn’t helped one bit when it came to Josh, and it certainly wouldn’t now. Milo was gone. Bitching wouldn’t bring him back, crying wouldn’t change the last words he spoke to me, but changing my own attitude would benefit me. That was the part I needed to focus on.
I was growing, I hoped, finding a new way of dealing with things. Whether it would work or not, time would only tell.