Chapter Thirty-Two
Annie – Monday night
I felt frazzled, there was no other way to describe it. I’d had a long day at work, and keeping up the appearance that I was happy was becoming really wearing. It would be easier tonight after Rae had gone to sleep, when I could finally just succumb to my emotions.
I was really trying to stick to what I’d planned. I was doing my best to simply move on, but the reality was much harder than positive thought. Justin might have only been in my life for a short while, but he’d had an undeniable effect on me. It didn’t help that he was the first man that I’d let in since Rae’s father, that probably made it all hit me a whole lot harder.
“You okay?” Nancy asked me, showing her concern. The more that time went on and the sadder I became, the more she was doing her best to look after me. “You look…worn out?”
“I feel it,” I admitted, through a thin smile. “But I’ll be okay, thanks.”
I’ve been through worse…I’ve been through worse…
I kept this running through my head like a mantra every time I felt like I wanted to cry, and it was helping a little bit. I had been through worse, and I probably would again. I had to keep remembering that – this was just a chapter, this wasn’t the end of my book.
Urgh, book… Even the thought that he still had my book filled me with dread. It made me feel like I would never write again, even if I did get the time. The whole experience had really put me off.
“Well, let me stay and make you some dinner,” Nancy grinned at me. “I don’t have any plans tonight, anyway, and I’m sure Rae won’t complain if I want to stay…”
“No, I love your cooking!” Rae shrieked, a little too excitedly.
“Hey, what are you trying to say about mine?” I teased. She didn’t answer, sending me a look instead, one that made me laugh aloud. “Okay that sounds great, Nancy, thanks.”
While Nancy set about cooking, Rae told me at a hundred miles an hour what they’d done throughout the day. I caught a lot of it and answered as needed, which luckily took my mind off things. Discussing coloring and tea parties with my daughter was just about the only thing that could distract me from my misery.
“So, how have you been today, Mommy?” she eventually turned the conversation back around to me. “Has the store been busy?”
“Oh, it’s always busy,” I forced a smile on my face. “But it’s good.”
While we ate, I allowed Nancy and Rae to do most of the talking. Nancy seemed to sense that was exactly what I needed, but she did keep sending me reassuring smiles every so often, letting me know that she was there when I eventually wanted to talk.
I wouldn’t take her up on the offer, though; I didn’t want to end up as one of those women who complained about the same man forever more.
“Who’s that?” Nancy asked me when a knock at the door interrupted our meal. “Are you expecting anyone?”
“No, I have no idea who that could be.” Florence might have been a small town, but it wasn’t the sort of place where people turned up unannounced. At least, not to my house. It made me worry, but then again, unexpected calls of visitors always did. “But I’ll go and find out…”
My heart pounded unnecessarily as I walked to the door, remembering the horrifying event that had caused this worry, the day that had changed the direction of my life. Having the police show up in the early evening just as you are getting dinner ready with grim expressions on their face isn’t something that I would wish on anyone…not even my worst enemy.
I swung the door open slowly, to see the last face I had been expecting. “Justin?” I asked curiously, pushing the door open more. He didn’t call for ages, he ignored my call, now he was just here? It didn’t make any sense. “What’s going on?”
“Can I come in?” he asked quietly, his car keys still in his hand. Had he driven the three hours just to see me? And why? I felt like he’d made his feelings perfectly clear. “I need to talk to you.”
I wanted to tell him no, to explain to him that I was over him now and I never wanted to see his face again, but I couldn’t. It was too far from the truth. “Erm…okay,” I replied carefully, stepping aside. “Sure.”
“Justin!” I closed my eyes and rested my back against the wall for a second as I heard my daughter gushing over the man that had broken my heart. She wasn’t to know, of course, but it hurt that she liked him so much. Especially as I knew that he would end up hurting her, too. Breaking my daughter’s heart was something else entirely. “Thank you for my presents. I love them!”
I had to go in there, to face the situation eventually, but first I just needed a moment to myself. I just had to gather myself up before I faced it all. I wasn’t expecting to ever see Justin again, never mind on some random Monday evening when I’d been at work all day and I looked like crap…
Oh God, I really do look like crap! It was too late to do anything about it now; he’d already seen me. Plus, I got the sense that I was too far gone anyway, that I didn’t have the time to do what needed to be done. I shouldn’t have cared what he thought anyway, it really shouldn’t have mattered—
“Are you okay?” Nancy hissed into my ear, making me jump into the air. “Is that him? Is that the Justin?”
“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “I don’t understand why he’s here or what he wants. It’s making me a bit crazy.”
She bit down on her lip and gave me an imploring look. “Would it make things easier if I took Rae to my place for the night? She can sleep in the spare room like she did last time, when you were ill. That way you can have some time and privacy to sort things out properly with Justin. It seems like that’s what you both need.”
“Would you?” I gasped gratefully. “I hate to ask, but that would make things easier. I think that there’s a lot that needs to be said, and it can’t be with Rae here.”
“Of course, she likes staying at my place anyway,” she reassured me. “No worries, I’ll bring her back in the morning. Or maybe I’ll wait until you finish work…” Clearly, she thought that there was a chance Justin would be staying over, and I didn’t bother to correct her. “Anyway, yeah, I’ll see you in a bit.”
I packed up Rae’s things and sent them on their way before turning back to Justin with a curious look in my eyes. “What are you doing here?” I asked, deciding to go in head on. I couldn’t beat around the bush with him anymore; it was causing me too much pain.
“I have been an idiot,” he admitted. “This whole thing has been driving me crazy, and now I realize that I’ve been stupid.”
In that moment, I wanted to scream at him, to tell him what it had been doing to me, too, but I didn’t. I clamped my lips tightly shut, instead. I felt like once I started, there wouldn’t be any shutting me up, and I did want to hear him out. “Can I sit down?”
“Yes,” I whispered, imitating him with my gaze fixed on his the entire time.
“So, I didn’t tell you everything, but what happened with Garrett was really bad. His…accident ended up killing someone. A teenage girl.” Everything within me iced over. Whenever he talked about this accident, it made me feel sick to my stomach. “And the worst part is he doesn’t even seem remorseful for it. He seems like…I don’t know, not like he wanted to kill someone, but that he wanted to die himself.”
“Oh God.” This was too much, it was intense. I almost couldn’t breathe with the pressure this information was putting onto my chest. Maybe he really had been too busy to speak to me…but I wasn’t sure that made me feel any better.
“I’ve been trying to help him, but honestly, now I feel at the end of my tether. I’ve organized him a lawyer and I’ll be there when necessary, but I don’t think that there’s much else I can do. Every time I visit him I make things a million times worse…” I nodded slowly, and he seemed to get the sense that he was overwhelming me because he quickly moved the conversation forwards.
“Anyway, during one of my visits with him, he told me that I was turning into my dad and that I’d only end up cheating on you and hurting you. I know it sounds stupid now, but at the time, I got all up in my head and it put me off calling you.”
“Right,” I drawled, trying to process all of that. “Okay.”
“The thing is, I realize now how stupid I’ve been. You are the first woman to make me feel anything. I mean, the fact that you came up to Portland just to see me, that was an incredible gesture and I really appreciate it.”
“Yeah…” What the hell does he expect me to say to that? Dioes he think I will agree? Lie down and take all of his crappy excuses? I knew that he wasn’t fully aware of my past, but he could tell that there was pain there. “Okay, why didn’t you just tell me all of this?” I felt like we’d been open enough with each other for him to feel comfortable around me. The fact that he didn’t spoke volumes.
“I don’t know. I know that I should have, but I have honestly been such a mess—”
“No,” I slid my chair back and stood up. I’d had enough complicated men who didn’t know what they wanted, who didn’t seem to have their own minds. I couldn’t go through any of that again. I had Rae now. I needed to think about her and what she needed. This wasn’t just about me anymore. I needed to get Justin out of my life before he hurt her.
“I’m sorry, but that doesn’t feel good enough. I can’t take that. I’ve been a mess these last few days—”
“Me too,” he insisted, interrupting me. “Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you.”
“Well then, you should have called!” I exploded. “I need you to go. I can’t get hurt again, I’m sorry.”
I stood back and indicated towards the door, no longer looking at him at all. I didn’t want him to see how deeply his betrayal had cut me. I just needed him gone.
“I…please let me talk…” he argued pitifully.
“No, just get out of here,” I snapped. “I have had enough of you. I didn’t ask you to come here tonight, and now that you are here, I realize that I have nothing at all to say to you. Just go.”
I was being harsh, but I needed to get him out. Luckily, he finally seemed to get it and I watched him from the corner of my eye as he sadly shuffled off. Once he was gone and the door had closed behind him, I allowed my body to slip downwards to the floor where the tears got the better of me.
I was hurt to have lost Justin forever, but mostly, I was just glad that Rae wasn’t there to witness this sadness. This was the sort of thing that I needed to shield her from forever.