Chapter Nineteen
Justin – Thursday
As I wandered down the stairs, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I was proud to see Garrett already awake, dressed in his business suit, and eating a bowl of cereal. It might have been a little while now, but I still found it impressive that my brother was doing the right thing.
It made me want to do something impulsive and spontaneous for him, just to say thanks.
“Are you busy today?” I asked him casually while pouring my own cereal. “What do you have on?”
“Erm…there’s a lot that needs finishing off, but nothing in particular,” he replied, only half listening to me, half watching the news scrolling across the television. “Why do you ask?”
“Do you fancy taking the day off? Coming to watch a Trailblazers game with me?”
That got his attention. He spun his head around to look at me, wide eyed and surprised. “Are you serious?” he gasped. “What, take the day off? Can we do that?”
“Oh yeah, let me just ask the boss,” I grinned cheekily at him. “Of course we can. You’ve been working hard recently; it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, okay. Let me just change out of my suit.”
As he thundered up the stairs, I felt happy with my decision. Garrett was making huge strides in the right direction, and he deserved recognition for it. I wanted to show him that I was proud and that I appreciated him. This felt like a much easier way to express that. Words didn’t ever really seem to get us anywhere.
I couldn’t help but hope that this would lead to a much better relationship between us, too. I wanted to be able to have brotherly conversations with him all the time. I wanted us to be able to discuss things that normal families did. I hoped this would help us to eventually become that.
The sad thing was we hadn't ever really been close, even before Garrett started going off the rails. I’d always resented him and found him irritating, which probably didn’t help the situation. If I had been a better big brother to him, he might have been able to talk to me about his problems, rather than having to find some other way express himself.
Never mind, there wasn’t anything I could do about the past now. I could make a better future for us, though.
***
“Wow, that was an incredible game!” Garrett exclaimed with a massive smile on his face. “Those points scored in the last few moments were epic.”
“I know,” I chuckled back. “I was on the edge of my seat pretty much the whole time.” We were having such fun that I didn’t want our time together to end, which was why I suggested that we keep hanging out just a little bit longer.
“Would you like to go and grab some dinner? Maybe have some drinks, too?” I knew that drinking was a problem for him, and that he shouldn’t be touching booze on a weekday, but if I was there to keep an eye on him, then I felt like everything would be fine.
“Yeah, sounds great! Where shall we go?”
I pointed to a nearby burger joint, which had a pretty good bar behind, it and we went inside. At first, I was confident in my choice and I knew that I could keep track of things, but the more that time went by, and the quicker Garrett started to sink his drinks, the darker his mood became. I could see it in him; his entire body language started to change, and his expression soured.
“Maybe we should switch to soft drinks,” I tried, needing to put an end to it, but Garrett simply shook his head and yanked his drink back towards him.
“No,” he growled. “I’m enjoying this drink, thank you.”
I sighed deeply, regretting this entirely. “Look, you’ve been doing so well. Just what Dad wanted for you. He wouldn’t like to see you getting wasted.”
“Dad?” he laughed mirthlessly. “Oh yeah, because Dad was a real moral compass.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, preparing myself for a very unwelcome rant. “Why? What do you mean? Dad always did his best by us.”
“Oh my God, you’re so naïve.” He shook his head at me, looking at me like he actually pitied me, which bubbled a hot temper in my stomach. Why the fuck should he pity me? I was the one with my life together, I had the company, the steady life, I was the one making Dad proud. He was the screw up. “Do you really think that about Dad?”
“Well, why wouldn’t I?” I snapped, unable to control my temper now. “He single-handedly raised us after Mom died. He gave us everything that he could, we owe everything to him.”
“Yeah, even our mom’s death,” he replied coldly, making my blood turn to ice. How dare he say that about Dad? Mom got sick; that couldn’t be helped. I knew that Garrett felt screwed up about all of that, but to go that far in his suggestion was just plain wrong.
“What the fuck are you playing at?”
“Mom wasn’t sick. I don’t know why you even think that. Maybe that’s how your childish brain interpreted the situation.”
“How would you know anything about it?” Everything flared within me, I had no self-control. “You were too young to even remember.”
“But still I know,” he replied cryptically. “Mom killed herself. The first attempt at an overdose failed, which was how she ended up in hospital… Then while she was in there, she used a razor to slit her wrists.”
“No,” I whispered desperately, shaking my head. I could literally feel all of the blood draining from my face. “No, no, no.”
The problem was I could recall something about seeing deep scars on her arm at the time. I’d forgotten about it up until now, but now the memory was there, clear as day. I’d even asked Dad what it was, but he just brushed me off. “No, you’re lying.”
“When I was younger, I can’t remember how young exactly, I found her suicide note tucked away in Dad’s drawer.”
“No, no…” Even though I logically knew that Garrett was telling me the truth, I didn’t want to accept it. It meant that I knew nothing about my life – just at the moment I finally felt settled. “Stop it.”
“She killed herself because Dad kept cheating on her. She couldn’t take it, apparently. According to her letter, she begged him to stop over and over again, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t care about her, or her self-worth; he just treated her like shit all the time.”
“Stop that now,” I warned, the entire image of my father shattering in my mind. “I mean it, Garrett. Don’t ruin a nice day with your lies.”
Garrett’s whole body became red as he scraped his chair back, determined to stalk out on me. “You don’t want to hear it because it doesn’t fit in with your perfect view of this family. You have always idolized Dad, and you don’t want to hear a bad word against him. Well, guess what?” he slammed his hands noisily down on the table to emphasize his point.
“Dad was a dickhead, Mom was weak, I’m broken, and you…well, you’re just an idiot. You’re so arrogant that you don’t want to hear any opinion that doesn’t suit yours. None of us are perfect, least of all you, and the sooner you accept that, the better.”
With that, he raced out the building, heading to the nearest bar I imagined, leaving me alone with the foundation of my whole world ripped out from underneath my feet.
Was he telling the truth? Did Dad really do all of those horrible things? I couldn’t fit that imagine in with the man I knew and loved, but then again, it did make a lot of sense when it came to my brother. If he found that letter just before he went off the rails, then that would explain his behavior. It would also help me to understand why he wouldn’t let any women close to him, why he only wanted to fool around with as many as possible. He was scared of getting hurt…or maybe he was scared of hurting someone else.
“Are you okay, sir?” the waitress asked, bringing me back into the present moment. “Would you like to take a look at the dessert menu?”
“Erm, just the bill, please,” I replied numbly, needing to get the hell out of this place as quickly as possible. “Thank you.”
While she went, I did my best to imagine Garrett’s version of events as the truth. It would have to have been very bad for Mom to give up her whole life like that. She killed herself, leaving her two children behind. She didn’t die unwillingly, hating leaving us behind…she chose to go.
I had no idea whether I felt awful for her, for having to sacrifice everything because my dad was a shit to her, or whether I was furious. Surely it was incredibly selfish of her to give up, and leave us in his hands…not that he did a terrible job.
Urgh, it is so confusing. It didn’t help that I knew nothing about depression or suicide, but still…to learn that everything I’d ever known about my life was wrong was hard to come to terms with. I wasn’t sure how I would do it.
The only thing I was certain of was that drinking wasn’t the answer. I didn’t even feel like finishing my beer, never mind drinking anymore, so there wasn’t any danger of me turning in to another Garrett…
Oh God, Garrett…
If he was out now, there wasn’t much chance of him coming into work tomorrow, which could easily be the first step in another downwards spiral. It was such a delicate balance with him as it was, and that was one hell of a blow up. It wasn’t really my fault; I couldn’t exactly go through the rest of my life without ever mentioning our parents, but I felt guilty all the same. Just when things had been going well, I managed to screw it up!
Idiot!
Once I paid the bill, I made the long, slow walk back home, my mind circling over and over with emotion, trying to find some answers in my brain. I couldn’t deny that there was a lot of evidence to support Garrett’s claims, but that didn’t mean it made any sense. How could I know someone my whole life, just to find out that I didn’t know him at all? My dad had always been there for me, he helped me with my problems, he loved me unconditionally…wouldn’t he have told me if it was his fault Mom died? Sure, he might have been ashamed for many years, but he could have said it just before he died.
Unless he didn’t want me to live on with a bad view of him?
When I eventually got back home, I didn’t want to do anything, so I wandered a little aimlessly into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed in a heap. I felt like I needed to cry, but I didn’t have any tears left in me. I half had the sense that I wanted to scream, but my vocal chords felt strangled. This was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, and I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to recover.
Then again, I didn’t have any choice. I had to go in to the office tomorrow, if only to pick up my brother’s slack. If there was no chance of him being there, which I was pretty sure there wasn’t, then someone had to do his work…and yet again that responsibility fell to me.
Always picking up his pieces.