Chapter 20
Lydia
“I blew it, Ros,” I bemoan to my next-door neighbor and babysitter, Rosalind. “I had the perfect opportunity to tell Colby about the kids today and I totally blew it.”
“The timing just wasn’t right today, honey. You’ll tell him whenever it is.”
We’re having this conversation in an ice cream parlor after having watched Isabella perform in a dance recital at her school—the “prior engagement” that forced me to turn down Colby’s dinner invitation earlier today. I’m not complaining about that, of course. I wouldn’t have missed seeing my feisty middle child tap-dancing (sort of) to “Who Let the Dogs Out” while wearing floppy ears and a tail for anything. I’m just sorry Izzy’s recital and Colby’s celebratory dinner didn’t happen to be on different nights.
I glance over at Izzy and Beatrice. They’re standing on the other side of the large ice cream parlor, licking their cones while ogling a slew of decorated ice cream cakes in a large glass-top freezer. Theo, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about ice cream cakes. My almost-eleven-year-old is camped at the far end of our long, pink table, earbuds in, his brown eyes glued to some YouTuber on his phone.
I return my gaze to Rosalind. “He asked me if everything was okay after Theo’s call and I totally shut down on him. I’m sure he was totally confused, poor guy.” I rub my forehead. “I should have told him it was my son on the phone. That he’s being bullied at school and was crying on the phone. Colby’s not stupid. He could see I was stressed out. He has to be wondering what the heck is going on with me.”
“So why do you think you didn’t tell him about Theo?”
“I’d just told him we need to keep things friendly and professional between us. How would laying all my baggage on him, all at once, be keeping things professional?”
“Telling him you have kids is laying your baggage on him?”
“No, not the kids per se. But once I tell him about the kids, his next question will be ‘What’s the status of your relationship with their father?’ Mark my words, that will be his next question. And I have no desire to have a teary-eyed conversation about Darren with Colby. Colby’s got a hero’s heart. If I tell him the story of the worst tragedy of my life, he’ll want to fix me. And that’s not his job. It’s my job to fix him.”
Rosalind nods. “I can see why you didn’t feel comfortable going down that road with him just yet. You still get extremely emotional when you talk about Darren. It wouldn’t have been a casual conversation with Colby.”
“Exactly. And I didn’t have a lot of time, either. I had my next patient and had to rush off to the clinic.”
“Makes perfect sense, honey.”
I glance at Theo. He’s still involved with his phone. Another glance at the girls and I see they’re now dancing with some other kids to the loud pop music pumping out of the overhead speakers. I look at Ros again. “So you think I’m not completely crazy for not mentioning the kids to him yet?”
Rosalind puts down her plastic pink spoon. “I think everything you’ve told me makes perfect sense. But I also think you’re not being completely honest with yourself about why you haven’t told him yet.”
My heart lurches into my mouth. “What do you mean?”
Rosalind looks at me sympathetically. “Honey, I think you’re just plain scared to tell Colby about the kids and Darren because you don’t want to scare Colby off. You want to keep him interested in you romantically. And, on the flipside, I think you’re even more afraid that telling him about Darren and the kids will not scare him off.”
I stare at her dumbly.
“Because,” Rosalind continues, “if Colby finds out about your kids and Darren and he’s still interested in you romantically, then you’ll have to figure out in earnest if you’re genuinely ready to have a romantic relationship with a man who isn’t Darren. Maybe even fall in love.”
Holy fuckburgers. This woman doesn’t mess around.
Rosalind takes a bite of her ice cream. “By the look on your face, I’m guessing I’ve struck a nerve?”
I nod. “I only just put my wedding ring on my right hand a couple weeks ago—and not at all with the intention of falling in love, if you catch my drift.”
Rosalind chuckles. “Yeah, I catch your drift loud and clear. I’m old, but I’m not that old.” She glances at Theo to make sure he’s still distracted and then she leans forward and whispers, “Have you been intimate with anyone since Darren?”
I shake my head. “I’ve never been intimate with anyone besides Darren, ever. I’ve never even kissed anyone else.”
Rosalind looks shocked. And then deeply moved. She touches my hand across the pink table. “Oh, Lydia. No wonder your little brain is melting over this situation with Colby. You’re thirty-two chronologically, but emotionally you’re still a teenager in some crucial ways. You met Darren at seventeen and that’s where your experience with boys ends.”
Quickly, I glance at Izzy and Bea. They’re still dancing with some other kids to a happy song. “I’ve never even gone on a simple date with anyone besides Darren. Never even flirted with anyone else. Honestly, I don’t have a clue how to navigate this situation with Colby. I’m trying to remain professional. I really am. But I just feel giddy around him.” I shove a huge bite of ice cream into my mouth. “Plus, let’s not forget the dang employment policy. I could lose my job or even my license if I give in to temptation here. And it’s not even about losing my job at the end of the day. From an ethical standpoint, my only concern should be his full recovery, not figuring out how soon I can screw him.”
Rosalind chuckles. “Okay, so that’s your answer. No romance until you’re no longer his physical therapist. And in the meantime, whenever the timing feels right, tell him about the kids and Darren.”
My stomach clenches. I know in my heart that advice doesn’t resolve all the anxiety I’m feeling here. I touch the tip of my right thumb against the edge of my wedding band for a long moment, mulling my feelings. “Even when Colby is no longer my patient, I’m going to have to deal with my anxiety over the fact that he’s a first responder, just like Darren. As a firefighter, every time Colby walks out the door, his life is at stake. What if I were to fall desperately in love with him and then lose him the way I lost Darren? I wouldn’t bounce back from losing a man I love a second time, Ros.”
Rosalind reaches across the pink table and grabs my hand again. “I’m not sure you’ve got a choice here. It sure sounds to me like you’re already falling in love with the firefighter, whether you want to do it or not.”
I open my mouth to reply to that statement by saying what, I’m not quite sure. But I’m thwarted by the girls standing at the edge of our table, out of nowhere. Holy hell, I didn’t see them walk up. How long have they been standing there?
“I have to go to the bathroom, Mommy,” Izzy says.
I pop up like a jack-in-the-box that just got cranked and take my daughter’s hand. “Let’s go.”
We work our way toward the bathrooms at the back of the parlor. And as we walk, Izzy asks, “You’re in love with one of your patients who’s a firefighter?”
My heart stops. “What?”
“I heard Ros say it. Are you going to marry the firefighter?”
My heart explodes in my chest. “No, sweetheart. You misunderstood Rosalind. I was just telling her there’s a firefighter I’ve been working with at the hospital who’s very nice. But nobody’s marrying anyone.”
“But she said you’re in love with him. You’re not in love with him?”
Jesus Christ. “I’m... he’s my patient.”
“So you’re not going to marry him?”
“Honey, I’m not thinking about marrying anyone. Not the firefighter or anyone else.”
Izzy’s narrow shoulders slump. She looks crestfallen.
“Sweetie, why do you look sad? I told you I’m not thinking about marrying the firefighter.”
“That’s why I’m sad,” Isabella says. “I’ve always wanted to go to the Daddy-Daughter Dance. I thought if you married the firefighter, I might finally get to go.”