Chapter 39
Colby
The Climb & Conquer party is done. The band just now finished playing its final song. Izzy’s face is painted with kitten whiskers. Bea’s cheeks are decorated with glittery stars. Theo and Ryan are now soulmates for life, having climbed four towering rock walls together over the past hour and a half. And my matchmaker of a mother, God bless her, has just insisted Lydia and her “kiddos” should come for a Morgan family dinner “as soon as we can wrangle everyone’s busy schedules.”
“Oh, we’d love to come for dinner,” Lydia says brightly, her face aglow. “Colby has raved about your cooking, Mrs. Morgan.”
“Please, call me Louise or Lou,” Mom says. “Or call me Momma Lou, if you like. That’s what everyone calls me these days.”
I look at Ryan like, What the fuck? and he chuckles. No one in the history of the world has ever called our mother Momma Lou, as far as I know. And in our family, we don’t nickname ourselves. It’s just not done.
More conversation ensues and, soon, everyone is pulling out their phones to compare photos from the party. Ryan shows everyone the shots he snapped of Theo at the top of the highest wall. Lydia and Mom follow suit. And, suddenly, I find myself tasked with gathering all the party photos via air drop and putting them onto a Google drive for everyone to access.
“Sorry, I have no idea how to air drop photos to you,” Lydia says sheepishly.
“Oh, it’s easy,” Ryan pipes in. “I’ll show you.”
Lydia pulls out her phone and hands it to Ryan, just as Izzy tugs on Lydia’s shirt and urgently tells her mother she needs to use the bathroom. In a flurry of commotion, Ryan says he’ll perform the air drop for Lydia. Lydia hands Beatrice to my mother. Mom and Dad, with Beatrice in tow, take Theo for one last climb while Lydia and Izzy hit the bathroom... and, just like that, I’m standing here alone with Ryan.
After my brother quickly transfers the designated photos from Lydia’s phone to mine and his, we begin swiping through the shots together. Ryan stops on a particularly adorable picture of Izzy and me on the dance floor and we both gush about Izzy’s unbelievable cuteness.
“She’s a cutie patootie, you might even say,” Ryan says, doing his best Keane impression, and we both laugh. Ryan adds, “Do you think Izzy was under the false impression it was the crutches that made you such a sucky-ass dancer today?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know Isabella said I’m a phenomenal dancer,” I say. “She told me so three times during one song.”
“Dude, Izzy didn’t compliment you because you’ve got actual dancing skills. She did it because she’s a little girl who’s dying to have a daddy.”
My heart pangs. Truer words were never spoken. The kid wears it on her sleeve.
Suddenly, the enormity of what I’m embarking on here with Lydia hits me like a ton of bricks. Dad warned me there’d be three hearts on the line along with Lydia’s and mine, and I’d approached today’s meet-up with that mentality. But no warning from my father or good intentions by me could possibly have prepared me for the look of pure adoration on Izzy’s face when we danced together. Or the way my heart ached when Beatrice shouted “Bea-Bee!” at me when Izzy and I approached her at the face painter. Or the envy I felt when Theo looked at Ryan like he was the second coming of Christ.
“Wow, these are great,” Ryan says, drawing my attention to Lydia’s photos of the party. “Huh. What’s this one doing here?”
My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Sitting on Lydia’s phone is a snapshot of me taken when I ran a half-marathon with Ryan last year... except that Ryan is cropped out of the picture.
“I have no idea why Lydia has that shot,” I say. “I didn’t give it to her.”
“You didn’t send this to her and crop me out?”
“I have no idea how she has that photo.”
Ryan smiles broadly. “Lydia must have pilfered it. Is it up on your Instagram?”
“No. I never post anything there. I just lurk.”
Ryan purses his lips. “Isn’t this one of the photos sitting on the piano at Mom and Dad’s?”
I blush. Holy shit. Lydia must have seen this shot at my parents’ house, took a photo of it, and cropped Ryan out. Why the hell does that turn me on so much?
Ryan smiles, apparently amused by whatever he’s seeing on my face. “You brought Lydia to Mom and Dad’s, did ya?”
I can’t help shooting my brother a wolfish smile.
Ryan laughs. “Oh my God. You finally got to desecrate your virginal teenage bed, didn’t you?”
“No, unfortunately, that fantasy is still unfulfilled.” But I can’t stop grinning like a douchebag. “We did, however, have sex in the pool and on the couch.”
Ryan whoops. “That’s the Cheese Head I know! Even one-legged, my Master Yoda still gets the job done.”
“Yeah, well, don’t get too excited. It turned into a bit of a shit show. As my physical therapist, Lydia’s technically not supposed to dabble with me while I’m still her patient. She could lose her job if she gets caught. So, as great as it was, she felt weird about it afterwards and we both agreed not to do it again until I’m no longer her patient.”
“But won’t that be in, like, two or three more months?”
“Yeah. Don’t remind me.”
“Dude. That’s a helluva long time to wait for Bonin’ Time to come around again when you’ve already tasted the fruit and know for a fact it’s delicious. Why the hell wouldn’t you just get yourself assigned to another physical therapist? Problem solved. Bonin’ Time restored.”
“Yeah, I know that sounds perfectly logical, but it’s out of the question. I wouldn’t want to be on this journey with anyone but Lydia. And for her, being my physical therapist is some kind of spiritual journey. She’s told me so herself. And now that I know about her husband, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why she wants to be the one to fix me.”
Ryan knows all about Darren Decker. I told my brother about Lydia’s dead husband and three kids a full month ago, the day I found out about them.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Ryan says. “I’m sure helping you feels like some kind of therapy to Lydia. Like, she’s getting to do the thing she wishes she could have done for her husband and never had the chance. In fact, I bet working with you is bringing up all kinds of memories and grief about her husband.”
Jesus.
How the hell did he...?
And how did I not...?
Of course.
I suddenly get it in a whole new way. For Lydia, restoring me to my old self again... healing me... that’s the way Lydia’s healing herself. No wonder she wants to fix me so badly. I’m the last phase of her grief counseling.
“Bee? Are you okay?” Ryan asks.
“Hmm?”
“You look like you could tip over. You okay?”
My heart is racing. I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Hey, let’s see if there are any other photos Lydia pilfered from Mom and Dad’s besides that one of you running.” He clicks into the photos on Lydia’s phone and starts swiping.
“Ryan, wait. Don’t look through Lydia’s photos. She didn’t give us permission to—”
“She’s got that one of the five of us as kids,” Ryan says. “The one where Keane’s doing a handstand.”
I peek over his arm, instantly forgetting my objections to Ryan invading Lydia’s privacy. “Why would Lydia want that one?” I ask.
Ryan grins. “Well, duh. Because she’s head over heels in love with you, man.”
Every hair on my body stands up at once. “How do you figure that from Lydia stealing a photo?”
“Because Lydia didn’t steal a photo—she stole this photo in particular. This shot more than any other sitting on top of Mom and Dad’s piano is a window into your soul, Colby. It perfectly foreshadows the man you became. But never mind. I didn’t need to see this photo on Lydia’s phone to know she’s in love with you. It’s clear enough from the way she looks at you.”
I can’t reply for a moment. I’m too overcome with excitement.
Ryan continues scrolling through Lydia’s photos, looking for more of me, while I peek over his shoulder and feel ashamed of myself for not stopping him. “I don’t see any others of you,” Ryan declares, swiping through photo after photo of Lydia’s adorable kids.
“We should stop looking now,” I say half-heartedly. “We’re invading Lydia’s privacy and—”
“Is this Lydia’s husband?” Ryan asks, stopping on a smiling photo of Darren Decker. He’s in swim trunks, standing on the shore of a lake—and he looks ripped as hell.
“That’s him,” I say. “Darren Decker.”
“What a stud.” Ryan swipes again. This time, Darren is canoodling Lydia. Another swipe and Darren is wearing a sharp suit and tie. Another shot, and he’s an action hero in his uniform. And now he’s laughing on a bed with Theo and Izzy.
I should tell Ryan to stop swiping, but I don’t. I should look away, but I can’t. An emotion I rarely feel is beginning to bubble and gurgle inside my belly... an emotion I’m intellectually ashamed to feel, but feel nonetheless: jealousy.
Ryan continues swiping in rapid-fire succession—so fast, I can barely make out the scrolling images. There’s Darren in swim trunks again with abs of steel. Darren holding a newborn, looking overcome with joy. Kissing Lydia’s cheek, looking like he thinks he’s the luckiest guy in the world. A scrawl of handwriting on a white board and then Darren wearing a pink, floppy hat while having a tea party with a tiny Isabella.
“Go back,” I blurt.
“Huh?”
“Go back a couple photos. To the handwriting one.” I glance toward the restroom to make sure Lydia’s not coming back. “Hurry up.”
Ryan swipes. “This one?”
My heart stops.
Love at first sight.
That’s what the writing says... on a white board. And it’s in my handwriting.
Love at first sight.
Holy fuck, it’s the message I wrote to Lydia before passing out in the ICU the first time I met her.
“So that’s the ‘entertaining’ thing you wrote to Lydia on the whiteboard, huh?” Ryan says. “Holy shit, Bee. You don’t mess around.”
I don’t reply. I don’t remember writing that message to Lydia, but now that I’m seeing it, I know it’s the God’s truth. I fell in love with Lydia the moment I laid eyes on her.
“Wow, and to think you were worried you wrote something pervy to Lydia that day,” Ryan says.
But I can’t speak. Now that I’ve seen those shots of Darren and my message to Lydia scrambled together, the reality of my horrible situation is slamming into me. I’m head over heels in love with a woman whose heart still belongs to another man. No wonder she cried when I fucked her. No wonder she feels guilty about how good she felt with me. She’s still his.
“Colby?” Ryan says. “What are you thinking? You look like a madman.”
Before I can reply, Lydia’s voice rings out over Ryan’s shoulder.
“Look who we found!” she says, approaching with Kat and Josh in tow.
My sister says something light-hearted, but I don’t reply. If I try to speak, God only knows what madness will come out of my mouth.
Jealousy.
That’s what I’m feeling.
Jealousy.
It’s a dark bile rising up inside me.
Jealousy.
A dark acid washing over my flesh.
I want her to want me the way she so clearly still wants him.
Ryan hands Lydia her phone and she squeals with delight as she looks at the photos he sent to her—the photos Ryan took of Theo atop the highest rock wall.
“Oh my gosh!” Lydia says. “Look at Theo’s face in this one. That’s the biggest smile I’ve seen on that boy’s face in three years.”
I feel sick. Will Lydia ever be able to give me her whole heart... the way I’m ready, willing, and able to give her mine?
“Can I see that?” Josh says to Lydia, and she shows him a smiling photo of Theo on her phone.
“Would you mind me using this shot in some marketing for Climb & Conquer?” Josh asks. “I couldn’t have gotten a better shot with a paid model and photographer. Of course, we’ll pay you for the shot.”
“Oh, you don’t need to pay me for it,” Lydia says. “Of course you can use it.”
“Let me pay you something,” Josh says. “We’re going to want to use that shot far and wide.”
Lydia laughs. “Feel free. Theo will be thrilled to find out he’s going to be your mascot.”
As Josh thanks Lydia and they continue chatting about the photo, I catch Kat’s eye and motion for her to come close. When she does, I lean over my right crutch into my diabolical sister’s ear. “I need somewhere to talk to Lydia in private. Help a brother out, Kumquat.”
Kat doesn’t hesitate. “Josh’s office in the back. The door locks. Josh and I will keep the kids occupied.”
I nod and tune back into the group’s conversation to find Izzy begging Lydia to let her climb the tallest rock wall before they have to leave.
“No, honey,” Lydia says. “We need to head home for dinner and bath time.”
I quickly flash my brother a hand gesture—a double-tap to my right eyebrow that tells him I need a wingman right fucking now—and Captain Morgan springs into action.
“Actually, Lydia. If it’s okay with you, I was hoping to climb with Izzy before you guys head out. I got that great shot of Theo—I’d like to get one of Izzy, too. Wouldn’t you and Colby like the chance to talk privately for a bit, anyway?”
Lydia looks at me. My jaw is clenched. I nod.
“Please, Mommy!” Izzy shouts.
“Sounds wonderful,” Lydia says brightly, her eyes locked with mine, and Izzy squeals with joy.
Kat, Josh, and Ryan escort Izzy away to find Theo and my parents and Bea. And, just like that, I’m standing alone with Lydia... and the ghost of Darren Decker.
“Alone, at last,” Lydia says, her hazel eyes darkening with heat.
“Follow me,” I say. “We need to talk.”