Chapter 41
Colby
I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Ryan’s sports car after the Climb & Conquer party, staring out the window at passing cars while listening to Ryan’s playlist. So far, we’ve been graced by “Bailando,” by Enrique Iglesias—what the fuck?—and then, thankfully, “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon and “Fix You” by Coldplay, the latter two songs making me think of Lydia. And then the current song came on—“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors—and hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I’ve heard the song probably twenty times in the past two months while being driven to and from medical appointments in Ryan’s car.
When I’ve listened to the lyrics of “Unsteady” before today, I’ve always felt like the singer was my surrogate. That he was telling my story. Because, obviously, ever since the fire, I’ve been more than a little unsteady. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually, too, if I’m being honest. But today, after witnessing Lydia’s tears, it’s suddenly clear to me this song is far more about Lydia than it ever was about me. All this time, the woman I thought was so strong and put together has been broken and held together with Superglue and chicken wire and I didn’t even know it. Here I thought I was the one needing fixing, but it was Lydia all along.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Ryan says, turning down the volume on the song.
“Why the fuck is ‘Bailando’ on your playlist?” I say. “You never listen to pop music.”
“I do now.”
I roll my eyes. “Who is she?”
Ryan laughs. “The most incredible girl I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve still got to hunt her down, unfortunately, but I will. Mark my words, son. I will.”
I shake my head. “You’re so predictable. So Olivia’s completely kaput, then, I hope and pray?”
“Kaput. I told Keane to tell you last week. He didn’t?”
“Oh, he told me. I just thought maybe you were planning to do an on-again, off-again thing with Olivia, so I wasn’t holding my breath.”
“It’s over for good. She’s a fucking lunatic.”
“Gosh, if only someone had warned you.”
Ryan continues looking straight ahead as he drives, but he’s smiling.
“So who’s this new girl who’s making you listen to ‘Bailando’?”
“Samantha. She’s a flight attendant from LA. I met her in a bar last week. I’m actually kind of in the middle of a big thing with her. I’ll give you an update when I’ve got something to tell you. I can’t talk too much about her right now or I’m gonna turn into Captain Ahab on your ass and it won’t be pretty.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
Ryan chuckles. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Cheese. I’ll give you an update when I have one. Now tell me about you and Lydia. How’d it go in Josh’s office?”
“Good.”
Ryan pauses. “That’s it? Good?”
“Good.”
“Well, at least tell me if you banged the hell out of her in there.”
“It wouldn’t be polite to tell you that. But yes, I did, as best I can do with my stupid fucking leg. I rang the bell like Paul Revere when the Red Coats were coming... and then she cried. The End.”
“She cried? Nice. I love it when I ring a woman’s bell that hard. So hot.”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that. She didn’t cry tears of euphoria. I’ve gotten those before—and, yeah, they’re hot as hell. Unfortunately, these ones were tears of guilt.”
“Guilt?”
“About her dead husband. I’m the only guy she’s been with besides him.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“But didn’t you say he died three years ago?”
“Yup.”
“Holy shit. Lydia hasn’t gotten with anyone since her husband died?”
“No one. He was her first at age seventeen—her first for everything. I’m the only guy to kiss her besides him, to see her naked, to have sex with her.”
“Holy shit, Colby. That’s so fucking hot. Lydia’s a virgin with three kids.”
“Yeah, well, it’d be a whole lot hotter if she didn’t burst into tears every time I rang her bell better than her husband ever did.” I sigh, my heart aching. “Clearly, her husband still owns her. For some reason, seeing those photos of him on her phone made that clear to me in a way it wasn’t before.”
“Colby, come on. She’s a widow. Of course, Lydia’s got photos of her dead husband on her phone. But you know what other photos she’s got on there? Your note to her on the white board. That photo of you running that race. The shot of you as a kid holding Dax and looking like a saint.”
For a long time, I don’t reply. Finally, I say, “I want her, Ry. I really want her. And I’m scared to death I’m not gonna get her.”
Ryan chuckles. “Colby motherfucking Morgan, don’t be a dumbshit. You’ll get the girl. You always get the girl.”
“Maybe not this time. I truly think it’s fifty-fifty I don’t.”
“Pfft. You’ll get her. She’s just gonna take a little more time and patience than you’re used to expending. But it’s okay. You already know she’s well worth the wait.”
A lump rises in my throat. I swallow it down and say, “What if, at the end of the day, Lydia tells me she’s realized, thanks to me, she’s simply not capable of giving her heart to anyone but him? What if she tells me she can’t love me the way I’m so ready to love her? That would crush me.”
Ryan looks away from the road briefly to smile sympathetically at me. “Just give her time. You’re her first since her husband. Just having another guy’s tongue in her mouth must be a huge head trip for her, let alone having another guy’s dick inside her.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat again. “But I can’t compete with the guy I saw on her phone, Ryan. In life, he was a stud, obviously. But in death, he’s frozen in perfection. Larger than life. And to add insult to injury, these days I feel like half the man I usually do. I can’t even climb a rock wall with her kid. I need my little brother to do it for me. Oh, and thanks for that, by the way. I really appreciated that. But it sucks, you know? I hate feeling like I can’t be me. If I were in my old body, it would have been me at the top of that wall with Theo, winning that kid’s heart today, not you.”
“Colby,” Ryan says softly. “I know you don’t feel like yourself these days. But hang in there. You’ll be back to your old self soon, brother, and then you’ll lock your woman down.”
I rub my eyes, trying my damnedest to keep my emotions at bay. “I love her,” I say softly. “Seeing what I wrote on the white board made me realize that with full clarity. I’ve loved her since I saw her. And now that I’ve met her kids, I know I could love them, too. I know it in my bones we could have it all, if she’d give me a real shot. Although, come to think of it, Theo hates me so maybe we’re dead in the water, regardless.”
Ryan chuckles. “Theo doesn’t hate you.”
“Oh, yes, he does. The kid caught me winking at his momma. After that, he looked at me like he wanted to cut off my balls.”
“Aw, come on. If you were in Theo’s shoes, you’d be throwing major shade at the scumbag who wanted to bone your momma, too. Think about it: if Dad died and some dude came sniffing around Momma Lou, you don’t think you’d be throwing daggers at the guy?”
“When did Momma Lou become a thing? We don’t christen ourselves in our family, man. She’s crossed a line.”
Ryan laughs. “She didn’t christen herself. It was Josh. Dad told me our darling momma got shitfaced drunk at Jonas and Sarah’s wedding last month and started babbling to Josh about how much she wants the baby to call her Gramma Lou. So, of course, Josh saw the opportunity to kiss her ass and started calling her Momma Lou on the spot and she went batshit for it.”
I roll my eyes. “Dude. I like Josh. You know I do. But he’s kissing Momma Morgan’s ass pretty damned hard these days. Actually, he’s kissing all our asses. Lifetime gym memberships for all of us? Really?”
“Aw, come on. Kat said he’s never had a family before and he’s genuinely thrilled to be part of ours. He just wants his girl’s family to love him. Is that so wrong? You don’t think you’d do the exact same thing in his shoes? In fact, fuck you, you hypocrite. You just did the exact same thing in his shoes at the party. You don’t think dancing with Izzy was kissing her tiny ass? I happen to know for a fact you don’t dance, ever.”
The man is right as rain, as usual. “Yeah, well, a lot of good all my ass-kissing did me today,” I say. “Yeah, Izzy loves me. And Bea vaguely tolerates me, maybe. But Theo can’t stand me.”
Ryan laughs. “He’ll come around. He’s just going through a tough time.”
“Oh, he told you about the bullying?”
“What bullying? No, I just meant he’s going through a tough time seeing his mother showing interest in a guy for the first time since his dad died.”
“Oh.”
“Theo is being bullied?”
“Apparently.” I describe the situation as Lydia described it to me and Ryan expresses deep sympathy for the little guy. “I want to help him so much,” I say. “I just don’t know how to do it, especially now that he hates me.”
“Keane had that same problem with bed wetting, remember?” Ryan says. “You should talk to him.”
“Yeah, I was planning to do that. Call him now. We’re coming up on his exit soon. If he’s home, we can swing by and talk to him tonight.”
“Great idea. I’ll call Zander, though. Peenie never answers his damned phone.”
“True, true.”
Ryan taps on his phone and the next thing I know, Zander’s low baritone fills Ryan’s sports car.
“Good evening, Captain Morgan,” Zander says calmly. “To what do I owe this distinct pleasure, sir?”
Ryan and I both laugh.
“Hey, Z,” Ryan replies. “Are you and the missus home right now? Cheese and I are a couple exits away from yours. We want to swing by and chat about something important.”
“Yeah, sure. Come on over. Peenie just now walked through the door with glitter in his hair. We were just gonna chill out and watch a movie.”
“Cool,” Ryan says. “Put Peenie on for a sec, would you?”
A moment later, Keane’s distinctive voice fills the car. “Yo, Master Yodas. What’s up?”
“Hey, Peenie,” I say, jumping in. “It’s Bee. There’s something important I want to talk to you about when we get there so put your thinking cap on.” I explain Theo’s situation briefly.
“Poor little dude,” Keane says. “Well, you’ve definitely come to the right place, for sure. I pissed myself until I was almost fourteen.”
“Fourteen?” I say. “Wow. I didn’t realize it went on that long.”
“Not something I broadcast to the world, Big Brother. Hey, should I text Daxy and tell him to get his rock-star ass over here, too? 22 Goats played a festival today. He should be done by now.”
“Yeah, great,” I say. “You know I’m always down to hang with Daxy.”
“What’s your ETA?” Keane asks. “I gotta hop in the shower before you lads get here. I’ve got baby oil and glitter and eau de bridesmaid all over me.”
“Five minutes,” Ryan says. “We’re taking your exit now.”
“Cool. Hey, do me a favor and swing through that Taco Bell on the way to my place, would ya? Just get me two of everything on the dollar menu.”
“Dude,” Ryan says, grimacing. “No. That shit will kill you.”
“Dude,” Keane replies. “Yes. I’m hungry and poor. And Mom has been so busy worrying about Colby lately, she’s barely sent me any home cookin’.”
Ryan and I exchange an eye roll.
“We’ll get you some real food,” Ryan declares. “And don’t worry, it’s on me.”
“Well, gosh, thanks, Rummy-o. That’s awfully cool of you. And when I say cool, please know I’m spelling that k-e-w-l. Top honors, brah, because you’re the kingpin of kewl.”
Ryan and I share a smile. There’s nobody like Keane Morgan.
“Oh, hey, Z says he’s hungry, too. He says he’ll pay you back in cash and lifelong devotion if you pretty-please feed him, too.”
“Tell Z we’ve got him covered and his money’s no good to me,” Ryan says. “Although I’ll certainly take Zander’s lifelong devotion if he’s offering it.”
“You sure you’ve got it? Z and I are growing boys. You’re gonna need to get enough for six just to feed us two.”
“Yeah, I know. This ain’t my first time at the Feeding Peen and Z Rodeo, son. And, yeah, no worries about the money. I just closed a pretty big deal at work, so I’m flush.”
“Another big deal? Dude, you’re on fire, Captain! You’re gonna have enough cash to open that bar of yours in no time.”
“God willing.”
“Oh, hey, Dax just hit me back. He says he’s with Fish and Colin in Fish’s van and they’re just leaving the festival now. He said they’re starving.”
“Tell Daxy we’ll get food enough to feed twenty. Just tell him to head straight to your place and that all three of them should put their thinking caps on.” Ryan looks at me. “Are you cool with Fish and Colin joining the brainstorm, Cheese?”
I nod. “The more brainpower, the better. Sounds like Theo’s bully is a particularly virulent strain of asshole. Honestly, I have no idea what I can possibly say or do to an eleven-year-old.”
“Yeah, if Theo’s bully were an adult, we could just threaten to break his legs,” Ryan says. “What the hell do you say to a little punk-asshole kid who’s terrorizing our boy?”
My chest warms at Ryan’s use of the term “our boy” to reference Theo. Now, see? That’s why I love that guy the most.
“Okay, dudes,” Keane says, “I gotta jump in the shower and wash the Peen Star off my hot bod before you get here with my grub-a-dub-dub.”
“Get to it, Peenie Weenie,” I say. “And thanks so much for being willing to help me figure out this thing with Theo. It means a lot to me.”
“Are you kidding me? This is the first time you’ve asked me to help you with anything in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been knighted or something.” He chuckles. “See you soon, big brothers. Peace out.”