Chapter 42
Lydia
“It sure sounds like you’ve kept him at an emotional distance, Lydia,” my therapist, Dr. Aabrams, says.
I nod.
“No doubt because of this acute fear of loss we’ve been discussing. Plus, I’d venture an educated guess you’re probably keeping the fantasy alive for yourself to some degree by keeping him in the dark.”
I look at her quizzically. “The ‘fantasy’?”
“That Colby is Darren,” she says matter-of-factly.
My mouth hangs open.
“It’s never occurred to you that Colby might, to some degree, be an emotional stand-in for Darren?”
My cheeks feel hot. I shake my head.
“I think it’s quite possible your feelings for Colby might, in part, be a transference of your feelings for Darren. In other words, you’ve been projecting your love for Darren onto Colby and assuming a shared intimacy that just isn’t there.”
I feel physically ill. I clutch my stomach. “I don’t think so.”
My therapist presses her lips together. It’s what she always does when she thinks I’m full of shit.
“What?” I ask.
“You’ve expressed how important it is to you to continue being Colby’s physical therapist.”
“It is.”
“And how much you want to be the one to heal him—that it feels like a spiritual mandate for you to be on this journey with him.” She raises her eyebrows like she’s waiting for me to say “Aha!” And when I don’t, she adds, “Lydia, I don’t doubt you have strong feelings for Colby. But right now, while he’s still your patient and you’re caught up in this journey of healing him, not to mention having sex with him—which, as we’ve discussed, theoretically puts your job and licensing at risk—I think things are way too confusing for you to process all your conflicting emotions. In my opinion, Colby’s instincts were right on the money: you should abstain from a sexual relationship with Colby until such time as he’s no longer your patient to give you time to sort things out, one thing at a time.”
“We’ve already agreed to abstain. It’s only a couple months. It shouldn’t be that hard. Before Colby, I went three years without sex.”
“That’s a start. But fair warning: abstaining alone isn’t going to be enough. If you don’t use this period of abstinence to achieve genuine emotional intimacy with Colby, then in two months you’ll simply be sexless and in the exact same emotional spot as you are right now. You need to let him in during this period of celibacy, Lydia. You need to let down your guard.”
“That’s what Colby said. He said he wants to get to know the kids.”
“Well, that’s one aspect, certainly—although I’d caution you not to make implicit promises to the kids about Colby yet. Proceed slowly there.”
I nod.
“I’d suggest you cast Colby as your friend until you’re confident he’s going to become more than that for the long haul.”
I nod.
“But besides the kids, what I’m talking about has more to do with you letting Colby get to know the real you over the next two months. Talk to him. Tell him everything. Start at the beginning and don’t stop telling him.”
“Oh, jeez, Doc. That’s not going to be a short conversation.”
“Good. It shouldn’t be. It should be a two-month-long conversation, maybe more. Do it an hour or two at time, if need be. Take it slow. Open up to him. Be vulnerable. Cry if you have to. And by the time you’ve reached the end of Colby’s physical therapy, you’ll have forged a genuine, beautiful friendship. And that’s when you’ll know if you’re truly ready to take things to the next level or leave things in the friend zone, after all.”
I take a shaky breath. “You think if I do that, I’ll be ready to have sex with Colby without feeling all that horrible guilt?”
“I do. I truly do.”
I sigh with relief.
“Either that, or you’ll realize your feelings for Colby were a transference, after all. Either way, I think you’ll have full clarity. Sex—especially good sex—has a way of clouding people’s judgment. And it sure as heck sounds like the two of you had some damned good sex.”
We both laugh.
“So, yeah, speaking of that...” I say. “Are you suggesting literally no sexual contact at all with Colby for two months? Not even kissing?”
She looks at me like I’m a naughty puppy. “Lydia.”
I laugh. “Sorry.”
“Yes, I’m suggesting you follow the rules of your employment and the state of Washington’s licensing for physical therapists and that you toe the line completely, without room for interpretation.”
“Damn.”
She smiles sympathetically at me. “I think the stress of breaking the rules is one source of your guilt, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. Most definitely.”
“You’ve always been a rule-follower.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I know.”
“But that doesn’t mean you can’t touch him. You have to touch him for your job, after all. So here’s what I recommend you do: follow the Jane Austen standard of conduct. If Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy would be able to do it in civilized society, it’s on the table. Otherwise, don’t do it with Colby while he’s your patient.”
I twist my mouth. “Okay. So touching his hand is okay, then? Because Mr. Darcy touched Lizzie’s hand and kissed the top of it.”
The doctor laughs. “Already looking for a loophole, are you?”
I blush. “He’s really, really hot, Doc.”
Dr. Aabrams rolls her eyes. “Sure, go for it. Touch hands. Actually, you know what? Hand-holding can be incredibly intimate and erotic when you’re not allowed to do anything else. In fact, bonus points: if you hold Colby’s hand while opening up to him emotionally, I think you’ll be surprised at how arousing and intimate that simple touch will become for you, especially as you get closer and closer to him emotionally. I actually tell lots of my patients to start with the simplest, least threatening forms of touching when they’re dealing with a sexual dysfunction or trauma.”
“Oh, I don’t have a sexual dysfunction, Doctor. To the contrary, I was a bat out of hell with Colby. I’m sure the neighbors thought someone was being gutted in that pool.”
She looks at me sympathetically again. “Lydia, sobbing and feeling extreme guilt or shame upon reaching intense orgasm is definitely not functional.”
I grimace. “Good point.”
“But don’t worry. I truly think this game plan is going to work wonders for you. Make it a game if you have to. The Celibacy Game. For the next two months, you’re only allowed to touch hands while you open your heart to him. Strive for emotional intimacy with him first and, hopefully, physical intimacy will follow naturally and beautifully two months from now.”
Blood is whooshing into my ears. Not to mention my crotch. “Okay. Thank you. I’m super excited to give it a try.”
My doctor smiles and says, “Lydia, I predict by the time you reach the finish line of Colby’s physical therapy, you’ll know exactly what you want and won’t feel guilt or shame about going after it.”