Chapter 36
Lydia
Colby and I are both wrapped in big, fluffy towels while sitting on a couch in his parents’ living room. For the past twenty minutes, Colby has patiently listened as I’ve stuttered and stammered my way through explaining the cocktail of emotions I felt during sex with him. The pleasure. Euphoria. Relief. Elation. And guilt. And he’s looked alternately thrilled, crestfallen, and sympathetic throughout my explanation.
Soon, our discussion winds its way to me somehow telling him about my conversation with my mother-in-law at Disneyland. The pressure I feel not to hurt anyone’s feelings, to uphold Darren’s memory. To be a good wife and mother and fulfill everyone’s expectations of what a “good widow” is supposed to do. He asks me if I’m worried my children would react poorly to the idea of me dating someone, and I tell him honestly I think the girls will welcome Colby with open arms but that Theo might take a bit of time to warm up.
“Was that who called that day in the hospital when you were with me?” Colby asks. “Theo?”
“Yeah. Theo’s being bullied by this little shit at school. That day, he was having a particularly rough day.”
“What’s he being bullied about?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time.”
I sigh. “Theo’s a bed wetter. He’s always had issues with his nighttime bladder control but his problems got much worse after Darren’s death. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him, both with the bedwetting itself and the bullying about it, but I’m failing him.”
“How does that kid at school even know about Theo’s bed wetting?”
“Sixth-grade camp.”
“Ah.”
“He was making real progress the month before camp. He hadn’t had an accident in a while. So when he insisted he didn’t want to bring his nighttime wetness alarm because he thought the other kids would see it and make fun of him, I relented and let him have his way. I packed the thing in a little black bag, just in case, where nobody would see it and know what it was. And then I packed him some extra sheets and pajamas and crossed my fingers and toes and sent my baby off. Turns out, I was sending him off to his slaughter.”
“Poor guy.”
“And now this boy Caleb calls him ‘Pee-o’ at school and douses his crotch with water every time poor Theo walks by.”
“Jesus. Sounds like this Caleb kid is a serial killer in the making.”
Tears well up in my eyes. “I’ve done everything I can think of to help my baby. The only thing left for me to do is switch him to another school but he absolutely refuses. He’s trying so hard to be strong and ride this out until middle school, but I can see my baby’s soul withering before my eyes.”
“Keane had a problem with bedwetting into adolescence, too. All the way into middle school, I think. I don’t remember how he got over it, but I’ll ask him.”
Relief floods me. For so long, I’ve wished Darren were here to help me with Theo. For so long, I’ve felt helpless and inadequate and anxious. I melt into Colby’s hard chest. “Thank you so much. I’ll take any help I can get.”
Colby kisses the side of my head. And then my cheek. I turn my head to greet his lips with mine and, in short order, we’re kissing desperately. In a flash, Colby pulls the white towel off my naked body and, as he continues kissing me, he begins massaging my clit.
I sharply inhale. “Oh, God,” I choke out, just before a wave of ecstasy slams into me.
“Turn around,” he whispers. “I can only lie on this side.”
I rearrange myself so that Colby is lying behind me on his good side, spooning me, and two seconds later, he’s inside me, thrusting in and out with slow, deep thrusts while reaching around me to swirl my hard, throbbing clit around and around. He moans and whispers into my ear, “I jack off every night thinking about doing this to you.”
I moan with pleasure, moving my body with his. He pinches my nipple and bites at my neck and I’m gripped with indescribable pleasure—an orgasm so intense, it causes tears to spurt out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
Colby comes on my heels, a groan of ecstasy blurting from his lips.
When his body quiets down, he sighs happily behind me. “God, I love physical therapy.”
I covertly wipe my cheeks and remain mute. That felt beyond amazing... so why am I feeling sick to my stomach right now?
“Lydia?”
I turn to face him and the minute he sees my face, it’s clear he knows I’m feeling the same way I did in the swimming pool.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I thought I’d worked through all my grief, Colby. I really did. But having sex with you—having amazing sex with you—it’s bringing up feelings of guilt and grief I didn’t know existed. It’s like the more intense the pleasure with you, the more intense the guilt.”
“Lydia,” Colby says, his tone breaking my heart. He covers his face with his hands for a long, nerve-racking moment, his chest heaving.
I wait, my heart thudding in my ears and my skin pricking with goose bumps.
When Colby finally lifts his head, his jaw is clenched. His vulnerability is gone. He looks resolved. Steely. “I’ve pushed you too hard,” he says flatly. “You’re not ready yet. I should have listened to you when you tried to tell me, but I listened to my dick instead.”
“No, it was both of us. I wanted it, too. I still want it. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”
“You’ve got to get therapy. You’ve got to figure this out. I don’t know how to help you. I would if I could. But I don’t know what to do.”
I nod. He’s right. I know he is. “I saw a therapist for a long time. I haven’t seen her in a year. I’ll go back.”
He looks relieved. “You’ve got to figure this out, Lydia, or else this is gonna shatter me.” Color floods his face and he looks down. When he’s gathered himself again, he says softly, “I don’t want to be your guilty pleasure, Lydia.”
I’m too overcome with emotion to speak.
There’s a very long moment of silence between us.
The look on Colby’s face is pure anguish.
Finally, Colby exhales and says, “No more sex until I’m no longer your patient. I should have let you play by the rules in the first place. And while we’re not having sex for the next two months, you’re gonna get your noggin fixed up and I’m gonna meet your kids and find out everything there is to know about you.”
I nod. “I want you to meet my kids, but I don’t want to make it a thing. I don’t want them to think I’m introducing them to someone I’m dating.”
“Josh and his brother are having a grand opening party for their chain of rock climbing gyms on Sunday. Why don’t you bring the kids? It’s gonna be a big party with hundreds of people. Rock climbing. Live music. A face-painter. Half my family will be there, not just me. The kids will think they’re at a fun party and that one of your patients and his family just happens to be there.”
Elation floods me. How is this man so damned perfect? I grab Colby’s cheeks and lay a passionate kiss on his lips. “Yes,” I whisper, my heart soaring.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For wanting to meet my kids.”
“No need to thank me, Lydia. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a wee bit smitten with you.”