“Are you really done with him this time?” Evelyn looks highly skeptical, and I honestly can't blame her. I've been like a boomerang ever since I met Anders.
“Yes. Finally done with him.” I nod, though on the inside, I still feel something for him. Lust. It's just lust. I should know that by now. Every time I think of him, my thoughts drift to his naked skin. The way his lips feel on my body. The way his cock fits inside of me. And then I think of his smile. That beautiful charming smile that's won me over time and time again.
“Earth to Tessa.” Evelyn waves her hand in front of my face.
“Sorry.” I shake my head as if brushing off a bad dream.
“It's okay to admit you fell for him,” she sounds sincere. It's odd to think we're having such an intense conversation in the mall food court. Now that I'm working full-time though, it seems like we rarely talk anymore. I enjoy being with her like this, even if the whole world gets the inside scoop on my messed up love life.
“I know it's okay,” I sigh as I twirl one of my French fries in my ketchup. Nothing makes me feel better when I'm depressed than greasy food and alcohol. But since I'm on my lunch break, I have to opt for the lesser of the two evils. I hit up Taco Bell for tacos and then some no-name burger place for fries. It's a real greasefest for lunch today.
“Guys like him, they're designed to steal a woman's heart.” I know she's trying to make excuses for my idiocy, and I appreciate it, though it's totally unnecessary. That's not all I fell in love with. At first, it was his body. Then it was the fantasy of being with a man like him, so powerful and confident. And then, when he finally began reveling himself on a deeper level, I fell in love with him.
Guys like him are designed to destroy girls like you. Stephanie's words repeat in my head over and over again. She was right. I think about what she's doing now. Is she back to selling real estate? Did she ever wonder why I disappeared from The Billionaires Club?
“You really need to stop thinking about him.” Evelyn's face takes on an air of concern. “I've never seen you like this before.”
“I'm just having a hard time dealing with this,” I admit sheepishly. “I really wish he could have been the man I hoped he would be.”
“But he wasn't. And to be blunt, you knew that before you got involved with him. He was part of . . . what do you call it? The penis buffet.” She makes quotations around the term with her fingers.
I laugh weakly, gazing past her at the creepy janitor who has been visually stalking me since I started working at the mall. Just seeing him watching us eat sends a cold shiver down my spine. I hate working here. Just a few more months, and I can hopefully get a job at a library.
“You're right. I should have known better than to fall for him. He's nothing like I'd ever go for,” I say absentmindedly, turning my eyes back to my food.
“Well, it's done and over with now. Time to move on.”
“Yup.” I take a bite of my half-eaten Taco Supreme, though just looking at it makes me lose my appetite. That night at Taco Bell, Anders was so real, so raw and honest. That was the night I truly fell in love with him.
“I know what will help you get over Flash Lightning.” She slides her tray beneath mine, having finished her salad a while ago. I honestly don't want to know what she thinks will help me get over Anders, because I'm pretty sure that it involves seeing other guys, and right about now, I'm hating the entire male population.
“If you're going to mention Jeremy, don't bother.” It comes out a bit more rude than I intended, and I internally wince at the harshness of my own words.
“You're a mind reader, Tessa.” She's not fazed by my grumpiness at all. “I thought you were going to start dating him again anyway. I'm dying for the two of you to get back together. Then we can all start going on double dates again. That was so much fun. Remember?”
It was fun, all the nights we spent going to the movies together or hanging out at the pub. But I'm just not feeling the love for anyone right now. I need some time to heal. Some time to not think about guys and just think about myself.
“I can't think about dating anyone else right now. Not until I've completely gotten over Anders.”
“Who says you have to date?” She leans back and quirks an eyebrow at me. “Just spend some time together. Have fun. Distract your mind from Flash Lightning.”
“If I go out with Jeremy, he'll think it's a date.” I set my taco down, my appetite completely defeated by thoughts of that night with Anders. I'll probably never enjoy Taco Bell again.
“Tell him it's not a date. Tell him you want to take things slow.”
Slow. Most guys don't even know what the word means. It's void from their vocabulary. Something like the word 'no'. Man brains just can't process it.
“He misses you, Tessa. Just give him a chance.” She looks at me earnestly.
“I don't know why this is so important to you.” I glance up, and my eyes land on the janitor. He's a lot closer now, still staring at us as he lazily sweeps some trash into a dustpan on the floor.
“Because I want you to be happy. And I remember that when you were with Jeremy, you were always happy. You can be like that again. I know you don't believe it now, but it can be like that again. You just have to let him in.”
Let him in. My mind instantly goes back to the day Anders was standing outside of Evelyn's house with his hand on my heart. Just let me in, he said.
“The last time I let a guy in, I got my heart broken,” I say bitterly, glaring at the janitor as if I could burn a hole right through him with my imaginary laser vision. He instantly averts his eyes.
“Jeremy made a mistake. He didn't lie to you like Mister Rich Asshat. He made a call that he thought was the best for both of you. He was wrong. Don't hold that against him.” She reaches across the table to steal a fry. I can almost picture her holding a sign that says Team Jeremy on it. It's ticking me off that she's being such a cheerleader for him after he broke my heart too.
“Why is it so hard for you to understand that I don't want anything to do with men right now.” I shove both of our trays in front of her so that she can finish my lunch if she wants.
“Because you keep staring at that janitor like he's a piece of meat.” She nods her head behind us. How she sees him, I have no idea.
“I'm not staring at him because I think he's cute. I'm staring at him because he's been watching me ever since I started working here.”
“Creepy.” She makes a disgusted face.
“Yeah. It's just another one of the joys of working at the mall,” I exhale deeply. Good God I hate this place. If I do manage to find employment elsewhere, I doubt I'll ever set foot in a mall again. Working in one has completely ruined them for me. “My break is almost over. I have to go.” I stand up and pick up both of our trays to drop them off at the tray return.
“Alright. Don't work too hard today. And think about what I said.” She points at me as she walks off.
***
Why did I listen to her? I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. There's no such thing as slow in the world of men. There's just this.
Jeremy talked me into going to see a drive-in movie with him, and already he's thrown his arm around my shoulder. He's been glancing at me throughout the entire movie, and I know it's only a matter of time before he makes a move. This is how it started so long ago when we had just met. He's trying to re-create the experience for me, which is sweet but so not what I need right now.
He pushes up the armrest that separates us and moves closer. I can feel the heat of his body against mine. It's almost stifling, even in the comfort of air conditioning. I feel smothered by his imposing presence.
“Are you alright?” he asks, perhaps noticing that I tensed the second that he touched me.
“Mhm.” I nod absentmindedly, keeping my eyes on the screen.
“You look beautiful tonight. I don't know if I told you that yet or not.” He takes a moment to blatantly check me out.
“You did.” About a million times. He's been all compliments tonight. The perfect gentleman. I fell for it before, but I'm guarded now.
“I miss doing this with you,” his voice is sincere. When he reaches down to grab my hand, I want to pull away from him, but I don't. He's trying his best to be loving. Not too long ago, I thought this was what I wanted. It feels like so much has changed inside of me since the last time I saw him.
I don't know what to say, so I stay silent. Jeremy isn't giving up though. His full attention is on me. It's like the movie isn't even playing anymore.
He raises a hand to caress my cheek, and I can't avoid him any longer. The way he's looking at me is so intense. It's like I can see right into his soul. He didn't lie. He still has feelings for me. That realization makes me relax a bit, though I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just nice to be around someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. Someone like me.
He hesitates for a moment before leaning in to kiss me. His lips brush against mine, so gentle, so chaste. It's strange to be kissed in such a manner. Anders would be devouring me by now. We'd be in the backseat of his car putting on a show of our own. Jeremy isn't like that though. It's not just about the sex to him. It's about everything. Being with me and talking to me and loving me softly.
“Jeremy,” I whisper his name. There was supposed to be a 'stop' behind it, but he assaulted my mouth again. This time, there's more passion to his kiss, and for as much as my mind keeps telling me to pull away, my body doesn't. I return his affection in kind, tasting the savoriness of his lips. There's a hint of salt and butter from the popcorn he ate earlier, but I don't really care. It's just nice to be kissed by someone who I know for a fact has romantic feelings for me. Who I know for a fact wouldn't use me or lie to me. “Jeremy,” I moan his name into his mouth. It feels so right rolling off of my tongue. It always has though. This is the man I thought I was going to marry, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Can we really go back to the way things were before?
He shifts in the car, struggling to maneuver himself on top of me, though it doesn't work out too well. “Do you want to sit in the backseat?” he asks finally.
Again, my mind screams at me to say no, but I acquiesce, relocating to the backseat of his SUV where we have more room to do the inappropriate things I swore we wouldn't be doing tonight. My acceptance of his invitation is all he needs to feel free to proceed onward with his seduction. He draws me into his arms, kissing me like he used to when we were so in love. It doesn't feel the same way it did back then. Even though his kiss is familiar to me, his touch is foreign, like it doesn't belong.
His fingertips dig under my shirt and wrap around my waist, and I'm reminded of Anders' poisonous touch. His fingers are thicker than Jeremy's, though not as long. It's strange how I'd remember that at a time like this. So inappropriate. It makes sense though. Jeremy is tall and lanky. Anders is a lot more solid. Their fingers match their bodies.
“I've been waiting for this since the moment I saw you standing there in Evelyn's living room,” Jeremy whispers sweetly into my ear. It's meant to be romantic, but it just sounds perverted to me. Something isn't right. My body wants this, but my mind is putting on the brakes. I just can't make the emotional connection I need for this to work. I'm not ready to take this step.
Jeremy's practically laying on top of me now. I can feel the outline of his erection as it presses against my naked thigh. He has my skirt hiked up, but he hasn't gone for my sweet spot yet. He's too busy kissing me and showering me with gentle affection. My hand wants to reach for his cock. How easy it would be to cross that forbidden boundary. He wants to be inside of me. And I want to be filled. But not by him. Not by any man.
“Jeremy, not tonight.” I place a hand on his chest and gently push him off of me.
“Are you alright?” His face is filled with concern. He actually cares. And unlike Anders, he stopped when I told him to. He pulled away from me without a second thought.
“I'm just not feeling very well.” I can't tell if it's a lie or not. Physically, I'm fine. Emotionally, I'm a bit of a wreck. Nothing feels right, no matter how much I want it to.
“It's fine.” He sits up and wraps his arm around my shoulder again, drawing me to him to continue watching the movie. “Do you need me to get you anything?”
I offer him a weak smile. He's always so considerate. So perfect. Maybe next time I'll be ready to give him what he wants. Yes, next time.
***
“So, how did it go?” Evelyn is wearing a shit-eating grin as she slides a cup of coffee in front of me. She knows exactly how it went. My feelings for Jeremy are still there, they're just tempered with the pain I've been feeling. She's well aware that it's only a matter of time before I fall into him again. He's too good not to fall for. The sweet guy who says all the right things at all the right times, who doesn't lie or cheat or steal to get what he wants, who does everything with an innocent honesty.
I hide my smile behind my hands. I don't want to talk about it, but I am happy.
“Tessa! You guys didn't?!” she says in mock surprise, drawing her hand up to her mouth as if the imagined news is scandalous.
“No, we didn't.” I shake my head and then bite my bottom lip. “We could have though. He wanted to.”
“Then why didn't you?” She sits down across from me with her own coffee.
“It's too soon.”
“It's never too soon for sex.”
“Maybe not for you.” I stir my coffee, thinking about the way Jeremy kissed me. It was so gentle, so sincere. Yes, I could fall for him again.
“I'm telling you, Tessa. It's the final piece of the puzzle you need to get over Flash Lightning.”
Just the mention of Anders' pet name sends a twang of pain to my chest. I don't understand why I'm still hurting over him. It's been a week since I walked out of his loft. I should be feeling better by now. I do feel better, just not the same as I did before I met him. Nothing will ever be the same again.
“You really think so?” I give Evelyn a skeptical look. It might not hurt to try. Anything to make this horrible feeling go away quicker can't be a bad thing.
“Yeah. I do.” Her expression is serious. I decide to trust her.
“We're going out again tonight,” I inform her with a sigh.
“Excellent. Wait, you don't sound too happy about that.”
“Things are just going a bit too fast, you know. I told you I wanted to take things slow. Jumping in bed with Jeremy only a week after I last slept with Anders isn't exactly slow.” Just saying it makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel like a slut.
“Sometimes you need to move faster than you like to get through things. That's just the way life works.” She seems earnest, but I'm not sure that advice should really apply to this situation. What do I know? Sleeping with Jeremy could completely erase Anders from my memory and my heart. I doubt it though.
There's only one way to find out.