“I'm sorry, Tessa. I shouldn't have told you.” Ryan shakes his head, looking genuinely remorseful.
“No. I'm glad you did,” I sigh, feeling like the weight of my depression is crushing me. It's been a week since I last saw Anders, and I've never been more miserable in my entire life. Even though I know I did the right thing, it just feels so wrong. My mind keeps illogically telling me that Anders was the best I ever had and that I should go back to him, but I know it's not true. Anders was just the best fuck I ever had. Jeremy was the best I ever had emotionally. If I could smash the two of them together minus the deceit, I could make the perfect man. They don't come custom designed like that though.
Now I have no one. No one but Ryan. And I don't even want to think about dating or sex or any of that stuff right now. The last thing I need is to fall for another whoring douchebag.
“Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?” He offers me a weak smile.
“Buy my coffee next time.” I lazily rotating my coffee cup, feeling the warmth of it against my palm.
“You got it.” He stares down at my hands.
“I'm surprised Anders hasn't fired you yet.”
Just bringing up the subject makes him tense. “Yeah. I'm honestly waiting for the shoe to drop any time now. He hasn't even spoken to me about it. I'm going to hang on for as long as I can, but I'm still looking for another job in the meantime.”
“That's probably a good idea.” I nod, still feeling guilty for having ratted him out to Anders. There was nothing else I could do though.
“It's miserable working there now. I'm always watching my back.” He frowns.
“I'm sorry. I really am.”
“Don't worry about it. I honestly knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up forever when I originally accepted his offer. I was hoping that you guys would break up, and I wouldn't have to.” He shrugs.
“What made you tell me?” I gaze into his brown eyes, but he's not going to look at me. The whole conversation makes him uncomfortable.
“Guilt, mainly. I mean, we were kind of friends before the two of you started dating. It seemed like a dick thing to do to a friend, or rather someone who I genuinely want to be friends with.”
I have a feeling that he's not disclosing the whole story, but I don't want to hear the rest of it now. There's still a little voice in the back of my head telling me that he likes me. But I'm glad he didn't bring it up as a reason why he told me. I can't deal with being pursued right now.
“So, I guess Anders put himself back on the penis buffet already?” I don't know why I'm asking. I shouldn't want to know the answer. It will only cause me more pain.
“No, actually. He's still just doing administrative duties, from what I know.” He sounds just as surprised about it as I am. It's only a matter of time before Anders goes back to his old ways though.
“I don't care what he does.” It's a bold-faced lie. I do care. It just hurts to admit it.
“I'm glad.” He looks up at me, smiling. “You deserve better than him.”
I do. Someone so much better.
***
Another week passes, and I feel no better than I did before. You'd think that time heals all wounds, but loving Anders has left a gaping hole in my heart. I feel empty without him, and I'm beginning to think that void will never be filled again. He destroyed me, just as everyone told me he would. What I wouldn't give to be whole again.
Evelyn is fed up with my moping. She's been the best friend she can be, talking with me late into the night, trying to give me advice, but I know she's getting sick of my constant sullen state. It's like her best friend has been replaced with a hollow shell. I just exist now. That's all life is. Eat, work, sulk, sleep.
“I know you loved him, but damn, the world isn't ending,” she grumbles across the table at me. It seems like whenever we're together anymore, she's in a foul mood. I can't blame her. I don't even want to be around myself.
“I know that,” I try my best not to sound defensive.
“You should go get laid. That will take care of this. Go fuck that Ryan guy, or call Jeremy back.”
Why does she always insist that sex with other men is the answer? The more I think about it, her advice is horrible. Going out with Jeremy just messed things up with him. And there was no need for me to check on Anders the night after I tied him up. He was able to get out of his bondage perfectly fine on his own, minus a few bruises. What evidence do I have that taking her advice this time would turn out as anything less than a disaster?
“I haven't spoken to Jeremy in weeks. That ship has sailed.” I stab at my eggs as if I'm taking out my aggravation on them. I should have just ignored Anders and kept seeing Jeremy instead. My life would be so much simpler now. So much better.
“It never hurts to call him.” She shrugs. “He does love you, after all.”
“Love,” I scoff. “What bullshit.”
“You're just saying that because you're hurting right now,” her tone turns sympathetic, though I can tell it will be short-lived. She's fed up with having to coddle me. Her attempts at it have been fewer and fewer lately.
“Men are stupid. I should be a lesbian,” I say matter-of-factually, though I don't actually mean it. The only vagina I like is my own.
“There's always that.” She gestures with her fork, though it's completely sarcastic.
“I just really don't want anything to do with men right now. It will probably be a long time before I even consider dating or sex again. Not until I stop thinking about Anders.”
“What's there to think about?”
“I can't help but wonder if he's moved on with his life already. It's been two weeks now. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't come chasing after me.”
“Really?” She looks at me like I'm an idiot. “You tied the guy to his bed and left him to die. I'm more surprised he didn't call the cops on you.”
“I went back to rescue him.” I scowl. Of course, I never would have gone back if Evelyn hadn't suggested it.
“Tessa, you need to forget about him. At least, try to. You've been obsessing over him ever since you guys broke up. It's not healthy. I know you don't think it's the best idea, but it really doesn't hurt to rebound. You need to distract your mind. If you don't, he's going to own you forever.”
He's going to own me forever? Now that's a terrifying thought.
***
Evelyn is right. I need to get back in the saddle again. Even though I think her advice is horrible, I'm willing to give it a shot. Anything to get Anders out of my head—out of my heart.
Jeremy isn't an option. I think about calling him for half a heartbeat. In truth though, I just want a quick fuck. Baby steps. I have to take baby steps to get through this. I can't just launch into another relationship. Jeremy wants more than I can give him right now, but I'm pretty sure that Ryan would be game for anything.
I call him up and wait for a night we both have off. If I'm going to do this, I need to have plenty of alcohol in me. Not because I don't think that Ryan is attractive, but because I need to numb my feelings to enjoy the pleasures of his body. It sounds horribly rude and selfish, but it's just what I need to do.
He's more than happy to meet up with me. More than anything, I think he's just happy that our friendship didn't end up ruined after he confessed to me that he was spying on me for Anders.
We meet at a different bar than last time. The other one holds too many unpleasant memories. I need a clean slate and a new venue to help me relax and keep my mind off of the past.
“Are we going balls to the wall again?” he asks as we slide into a booth and start figuring out what we're going to order.
“I had the worst hangover last time, so no.” Not only that, but I want to make sure he's able to perform. And I want to remember it.
“Me too. I think I was just so excited to have a night off that I couldn't control myself,” he laughs. I can't help but grin. He looks dashing in a white and red stripped polo and a pair of loose fitting jeans. Not handsome like Anders. More like an innocent boy next door look. Though, he's anything but innocent. He's part of the penis buffet at The Billionaires Club. That means he's tainted and dirty. It's a disturbing thought. Do I really want to sleep with him?
“I think I'll have something fruity,” I say absentmindedly, then follow it up with, “How has work been?”
“Same old. Same old. I think if I was going to get fired, it would have happened by now.”
“Well, that's good.” I'm glad he didn't get fired. That would have made me feel awful. Still, it's kind of strange that Anders didn't fire him. “Anders isn't still having you spy on me, is he?” I ask suspiciously.
“No.” He shakes his head. Even though he doesn't look me in the eye when he says it, I decide to believe him. “He did ask about you once though.”
“Oh, really? And what did you tell him?” I fidget with a card that has the drink specials written on it, feigning disinterest.
“I just told him that you're fine.”
I'm not fine though. I'm far from fine. “Anything else?”
Ryan's eyes shoot up to meet mine, capturing my attention. “You really miss him, don't you?”
“Not at all,” I lie, shaking my head. I miss him more than I can stand.
“I think he misses you,” Ryan tells me right before the waitress comes to take our orders. It's a beer for him and a margarita for me.
“Oh?” Again, I act like it doesn't matter to me. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, he still hasn't resumed his nighttime activities at The Billionaires Club, if you know what I mean.” The way he says it sounds perverted. This tidbit of information does make me happy though. “And when I told him that you were alright, he seemed a bit sad about it.”
Good. I want him to be miserable thinking that I've moved on with my life. Miserable, like I am.
“Excellent,” I hiss, feeling a bit evil for reveling in Anders' pain.
The drinks come, and I raise my glass for cheers.
“What shall we toast to?” He presses his beer bottle against my fishbowl margarita.
“To old flames and new beginning.”
“To new beginnings.” He smirks.
***
Three hours and half a dozen drinks later, we're in the bed of Ryan's truck, and things are getting hot and heavy. The setting is somewhat romantic. He drove me out onto a remote country road, and we parked under the stars. I'm staring up into the sky as he kisses down my chest. I'm horny, but despite all that, I'm not into what's going on. All I keep thinking about is what Anders is doing right now? Is he staring at these same stars? Is he thinking of me too?
“I've wanted to do this with you for so long,” Ryan slurs as he lifts up my shirt to kiss around my stomach. It feels so wrong. To be honest, I'm not sure how it's supposed to feel. I'm erasing Anders' touch with the body of another. This is supposed to heal me, right?
“Slow down, cowboy,” I tell him as he starts unbuttoning my jeans. He's coming in too fast. It's a bit overwhelming. I need for him to back off a little.
“Sorry.” He crawls up beside me. “I'm just getting carried away. You're so beautiful, and I've wanted you for so long.” It's a sweet sentiment, but it doesn't touch my heart.
I stare at him in the dim light of the moon, and I feel nothing. This isn't about love. It's about sex. That's all this is. You're using him because you need to. You have to.
I meet his eager kiss. It's so hard. So deep. So needy . . . and sloppy. He invades my mouth with his tongue, trying to fill the space. My head instinctively moves back to escape him, fighting for breath. His kiss is inexperienced, or overzealous. To be honest, I can't tell which one. All I know is that he doesn't kiss like Anders. He doesn't know how women want to be kissed.
I'm never happier than when his kisses begin to trail down my chin. Even though I know his mouth is moving with darker intentions, I'm glad to be free of it. This isn't working out at all how I planned. I want the sex, but everything in me is putting on the breaks. The desire to push him off of me is almost unbearable. Maybe I'm really not ready for this yet.
Don't think about it. Just do it. I close my eyes and try not to think or feel. Everything is wrong. It's so wrong. His long fingers feel wrong. His moist lips. His lanky body. I just want to disappear, want to take back the moment I agreed to do this.
He unzips my pants and slides his hand into my underwear, pressing his index finger between my soft folds. I bite my bottom lip as he probes inside of me. My mind goes into a panic. I don't want to be a cock tease, but I'm not going to get through this if I don't focus on something else. Going against everything I told myself I was going to do, I decide to pretend that he's Anders. Sex was always good with Anders. Maybe if I just pretend they're the same person, I'll be able to do this.
Slowly, my body begins to relax. I erase all transgressions from my mind. Anders is no longer the guy who lied to me and kept secrets from me and spied on me. I pretend that things are perfect between us, that I'm enjoying his body without the emotional pain attached to it. Even though the touch is wrong, I force myself to pretend.
Ryan kisses me while he fingers me, and I try to lead instead of following, showing him that he needs to slow down. Needs to be more gentle. I'm tired of feeling like we're just swapping saliva. I want to be kissed. Kissed the way Anders kisses me.
Eventually, he backs off a bit and decides to make the descent down my body again. I allow him to pull my shirt and bra up, exposing my breasts to the cool night air. He swirls his tongue around one of my nipples and clumsily massages my clit. It's hard to pretend that he's Anders when he's so bad at all of this.
“Don't stop,” I tell him when I feel a hint of orgasm start to peek at the surface. The guy definitely needs direction. If I had said nothing, he would have moved on to something else. He wants to be everywhere at once. That doesn't make for good bed play. “Keep rubbing, just like that.”
“You like that, don't you?” he mumbles against my chest.
I just want him to shut up. My body is two seconds from falling overboard, and if he says anything, he'll ruin it entirely. I wait in nervous anticipation, feeling his fingers rub against me, his mouth sucking on me. I briefly think about raking my fingers through his hair, but then I don't, knowing it will remind me that he's not who I want him to be. When the orgasm finally washes over me, my mind completely shuts down. Without even thinking about it, I moan, “Anders.”
Ryan's body withdraws from mine almost instantly, leaving me disappointed. I could have used a bit more physical stimulation to draw my climax all the way to completion.
When I open my eyes, he's staring down at me with a mix of concern and anger. It's a strange expression. All I know is that he's unhappy.
“What?” I ask, trying my best not to sound annoyed that he stopped.
“You said his name.” He frowns.
“I did?” I prop myself up on my elbows. Had I really said it? I don't remember. The alcohol still has me fuzzy-headed.
“You did.” He sits up, obviously upset.
“Ryan.” I push my tits back into my bra and pull my shirt down. “I'm sorry. I don't think I can do this with you. It's just too soon.”
“It's been two weeks, Tessa.” He sounds exasperated.
“It doesn't matter if it's been two weeks or two years. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready.” I button and zip up my jeans, now feeling a bit dirty that I allowed him to bring me to orgasm.
“Why aren't you ready?”
“I don't know.” I sit beside him and shrug, searching inside myself for the answer. “Maybe because I still love him.”
“He did all of those horrible things to you, and you still love him?” he huffs. “I'll never understand the bad boy complex.”
“He's not bad. He's just insecure.” I wrap my arms protectively around myself, now feeling a bit chilled.
“He's bad, and if you're smart, you'll just let him go.”