The night of prom came, and my heart was all aflutter as I stood in my room getting ready. Like idiots, my mom and I had gone dress shopping at the last minute, so instead of getting the stunning white and pink dress I had been looking at in the dress catalog, I ended up getting a white and purple one instead. It was still a pretty dress, long and flowing with printed white satin and these strange purple flower designs on it. My favorite part was the top, which was white and strapless with a purple satin under bust sash that had rhinestones on it. It wasn't my dream dress, but it would do. With my long black hair twisted into an updo, it was the closest to looking like a princess I had been since playing dress up as a child.
It took everything in me to keep my excitement at bay as I put the finishing touches on my makeup while I waited for William to arrive. I could hardly wait to see him in his tux. He was tall and lanky with dark features, and I was certain he'd look absolutely dashing cleaned up, not that he looked bad the rest of the time.
The doorbell rang, and nervousness welled up inside of me as I gave myself a final look in the mirror. Would he think I was pretty? I sure hoped so. William was hot, and I wouldn't mind going around a few bases with him, I thought with a smirk before twirling around and running downstairs.
When I got halfway down the stairs though, my ear to ear grin softened in disappointment. My father was at the bottom of the stairs, holding open the door for Darren, who was staring up at me with a single rose in his hands. He wasn't dressed up for the prom, and I knew he had come just to make me feel guilty.
“Wow, you look gorgeous,” he said as I finished descending the stairs.
“Thank you. I see you kept to your word not to go to prom,” I replied stiffly.
“Yes, but I still wanted to see you in your dress.” He held the rose out to me, and I took it with hesitation. “This is for you.”
“Darren. Not going to prom?” My mom came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel.
“No, ma'am.” He smiled at her, ever the gentleman.
“That's a shame. I would have liked to see you all dressed up. It would have made for some good pictures.”
Darren laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. Why had he bothered to come? It was so awkward.
“Well, you should probably go,” I intervened. “William will be here soon, and it would be kind of odd if you were here too.”
“Why?” He looked offended. “I'm your best friend.”
You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. The night hadn't even started yet, and Darren was already ruining it for me. I couldn't hide my scowl.
“I guess I'll be off then,” he sighed, taking the hint. “I hope you have a lovely night.”
“You as well,” I replied, quickly ushering him out. As he walked to his car, he glanced back and gave me a pitiful look of longing. It didn't change how I felt though. He was my friend, and that was all he would ever be.
William was fashionably late. Or more like annoyingly late. I should have expected it though. That's what the cool kids did, show up late to everything. I would have thought prom would have been more important than that to him, but I guess not.
When my father opened the door to him, William looked me up and down with wolf's eyes. I couldn't help but blush, even though I knew my father was standing only a few feet away glaring daggers into the boy whom he thought might try to besmirch my honor. If it was up to him and my mom, they would have had me go to prom with Darren. This was my night though, and it was the only senior prom I would ever have. They could live with me making my own decisions.
“Mr. Edwards. Mrs. Edwards.” He nodded respectfully at my parents before returning his attention to me. “You ready to go, babes?”
To my surprise, he forgot to get me a corsage, but I tried not to think much of it as I flanked his side, and we walked out to his Mustang GT.
We barely spoke a word to each other as we drove to prom. He commented about how beautiful I looked, I thanked him, and then he turned the radio on to fill the void between us.
When we got to prom, it was all about socializing and being seen. I felt like a shadow, following William from group to group as he talked to his friends. At one point, I asked if he wanted to dance, but he didn't seem very interested. To be honest, the highlight of my whole time was seeing Krista and her date. She had been smart, going dress shopping the second plans for prom were mentioned at school. She had ended up with this gorgeous short green dress that had golden peacock feathers embroidered up the side. It complimented her long red hair perfectly.
“You look amazing!” I told her as I stood at arm's length, admiring the dress.
“You look great too.” She smiled at me.
“Pfft. This dress wasn't even my second choice. That's what I get for last-minute shopping though.”
“I still think it's gorgeous. It looks beautiful on you.”
“Thanks.”
“So, no Darren after all,” she sighed as if she was actually disappointed.
“Oh man, Krista, it was so awkward. He came to my house earlier, looking all pathetic and giving me the sad puppy look,” I whispered, hoping William couldn't hear. I wasn't sure if he was the jealous type or not, but I figured it was probably better for him not to know about Darren coming over and giving me the rose.
“That's kind of romantic,” Krista replied with a smirk.
“It's not romantic. It's stupid. He was trying to guilt me out, I just know it.”
“The man wants what he wants.” She shrugged. “Too bad it's not me.”
“Too bad is right.” I frowned, thinking about how Darren's eyes had lit up when he saw me in my dress. It was a different look than the one William had given me. Darren looked at me with appreciative wonder. William looked at me with lust.
“Are you going to James Phillip's after prom party?” Krista asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“Oh. Um. I don't know.”
“Him and William are close friends. I figured you guys would definitely be going.”
“William hasn't mentioned anything about it to me. What about you? Are you going?”
“Nah. My parents are being lame. They want me home right after prom.”
“That is lame.”
“I told them that I'm almost eighteen and should be able to do whatever I want.”
“That's true.”
“Then they gave me the living under their roof speech.” She frowned.
“That's also true,” I laughed, though I knew she didn't think it was funny.
We chatted away the rest of the night, talking about all the gorgeous and not so gorgeous dresses on the dance floor, who had brought who to prom, and how we thought and hoped the rest of the night would play out. Krista had come with a guy named Johnathan Rosenthal. He was a shy nerdy guy, not the kind she usually went out with. She said she was tired of dating bad boys though, and that he was a nice change. He seemed very attentive to her, answering to her beck and call. It was kind of cute to see them together. He was being a perfect gentleman, unlike William, who was almost completely ignoring me. It made me wonder if I would have had a better time coming to prom with Darren. At least, he would have paid attention to me. He would have gone above and beyond to make sure I had the perfect night.
“You ready to go, babes?” William asked when most of his friends had left.
“Sure. I guess.”
I hugged Krista, said my goodbyes, and then we were in the car again, heading in the opposite direction of my house.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To James Philip's house. He's throwing a big party tonight.”
“Oh,” I replied, a bit annoyed that William hadn't had the decency to tell me earlier. “I'm supposed to be home by midnight.”
“That's lame,” he replied rudely.
“I'll text my parents and let them know I'll probably be late,” I grumbled, pulling my phone out of my clutch to type out the message. They wouldn't be too pleased, but they would understand.
By the time I finished sending the text, we were pulling onto the side of a neighborhood street. I could hear the music blaring four houses down. Rows of cars lined the sides of the road, and all the traffic was headed towards James Philip's house, which was alive with lights and sounds.
I felt like I was in some movie as we approached the place. There were more kids than I had ever seen at one party before. Half of them were still in their outfits from prom, the other half had dressed down into casual clothes. I kind of wished I could have dressed down too. My mom would be pissed if my dress got ruined, even though it wasn't very expensive.
We made our way inside, and again, I became a shadow behind William, following him around while he talked to his friends. The only difference between the party and prom was that now we had beers in our hands, and he was being a lot rowdier. At least, the alcohol gave me something to do, since there was no Krista to chat with.
Eventually, I integrated myself into a corner and just watched the action from afar. William did a keg stand in his tuxedo, and I wondered if he was trying to impress me, or if he had completely forgotten I was there. The question was answered when he rushed to my side afterward. His brown eyes were hazy looking and bloodshot, and there was alcohol on his breath as he leaned in to give me a sloppy kiss on the lips. There were no sparks from the kiss, no emotion other than awkwardness with a twinge of disgust.
Suddenly, all of his other friends disappeared. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense that he finally, for the first time all night, turned his attention completely on me. How I had wanted that to happen for the longest time. Not now though. Not what he was quickly becoming embarrassingly drunk.
He half pushed me, half stumbled on me as he pressed me into the corner for a series of heated kisses, causing me to knock my head on a picture frame. I felt cramped up against the wall, completely uncomfortable and awkward.
“Can we not do this here?” I whispered into his ear, doing my best not to cringe away as I felt his lips on my neck like two fat slugs trailing saliva up to my earlobe.
“Yeah, baby. You're right. We shouldn't do this here.”
I was relieved when he pulled away. His hand wrapped around mine, and he tugged me out of the corner. It took me a few seconds to realize where we were headed. Up the stairs. To the bedrooms that were reserved for . . . that.
Well, you did want to get around some bases tonight, I told myself as I followed William up the stairs. He seemed too drunk to last very long, so I wasn't overly concerned. A lot of guys got whiskey dick when they drank. I had a feeling that William wouldn't be an exception to the rule.
Door number one had two couples in it rutting like animals. I blushed as they stared at us with shocked faces the moment William opened the door. He mumbled an apology to them, shut the door, and we went on to door number two, which happened to be occupied by another couple who weren't quite so far along in their make-out session. By some miracle, door number three was empty, so William pulled me inside and practically flung me down on the bed before he went back to shut the door.
I couldn't help but giggle at how unstable he was. He took a few unsteady steps towards me before pausing to pull off his shirt. He was thin but fit, with the beginnings of a six-pack trailing down his stomach. I barely had enough time to take him all in before he crossed the distance between us and attacked my lips with a torrent of messy kisses, practically falling on top of me.
I wrapped my arms around him as best I could, trying to hold him to me but also at bay at the same time. He was aggressive, too aggressive, his hands and lips wondering clumsily over my body.
“Slow down, cowboy,” I said as he began hiking up my dress.
For a second, I thought he was listening. He looked up at me and stopped fidgeting with the bottom of my dress. But then his hands wrapped around the top of my dress, and he roughly pulled it down over my breasts, burying his head between them. My discomfort level rose about ten notches as I realized he was going to be difficult. I had learned long ago that there was a fine line between gracefully rejecting a guy's advances and completely ticking him off with your resistance.
“Slow down,” I said again, gently curling my fingers into his short brown hair as he took one of my nipples into his mouth and began sucking.
His response was to try hiking my dress up again, the complete opposite of slowing down. Annoyed, I slapped at his hands. He looked up at me with a scowl, though his words were straining to be gentle, “What's wrong, baby? I thought you wanted this too.”
“I don't mind making out, but I don't want to go all the way.”
His expression twisted into anger. “What in the hell do you think I brought you up here for?”
I cringed away from his harsh words. “To make out.”
“Nah. I'm going to get that pussy tonight,” he said and then went back to kissing my collar bone.
“No, you're not.” I tried to shove him off of me, completely disgusted by his words.
What happened next, I never saw coming. The sound of skin hitting skin echoed in my ears, followed by the searing burn across my cheek. William had backhanded me, and I didn't even have time to recover before he was on top of me again. His hands had been clumsy before, but now they moved roughly with purpose. Instead of haphazardly pulling up my dress, he was ripping at it, sliding his hands beneath it to try to get to my underwear. I was so stunned that I could do little more than lay there and process what had just happened . . . and what I was sure was about to happen.
“Stupid bitch,” he spat at me. “You think I'd bring you up here and not expect a fuck. I know all about you. I know how you and that Krista bitch like to tease guys and leave them hanging. I heard what happened to her. You'd think that would have taught you a lesson.”
My mind snapped back to, and I began to panic. He had managed to get his hands around my underwear and was pulling them down my thighs. I struggled and cried out, only to feel another blow across my face accompanied by pressure around my neck so strong that I thought he might kill me. My life flashed before my eyes as he bared down into me with anger.
“If you scream, you'll wish you hadn't,” he threatened.
“Tara!”
I heard my name coming from the door and instantly recognized the voice who had said it. Relief flushed through me, though it didn't completely drown out my fear. William was unstable, and I had no idea what he would do. Would he leave me to go after Darren? Or did he even know that Darren was standing there?
“Let her go,” Darren said sternly.
Thankfully, William did let me go, turning to face my best friend, who was standing in the doorway like a knight in street clothes coming to rescue me. As William turned toward Darren, I pulled the top of my dress back up, embarrassed for Darren to have seen me that way. Still, I would have rather him seen me like that than to have ended up being raped. Now, all I cared about was getting away from William.
“This is none of your business,” William told Darren, his nostrils flaring.
“I don't think the lady enjoys being handled that way.”
“Tell him to go away.” William cast me a warning glance.
Darren's voice softened as he looked past William to me. “Is that what you want, Tara? If I made some mistake, I can leave. Do you want me to leave?”
I shook my head timidly.
The confidence returned to Darren's tone. “I believe she'd rather come with me.”
That's when shit hit the fan. William stomped up to Darren with fire in his eyes and his fist drawn back. “You pompous little prick. Just because your parents own half the town it makes you think you're better than the rest of us. You think you're so fucking untouchable. I'm going to beat your scrawny ass and show you otherwise.”
His fist came down, but Darren maneuvered around it, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him into an overhead throw. William's foot kicked a hole through the wall as he was thrown over Darren's back. He groaned as he looked up from the floor. As quickly as the fight had started, it was over.
Darren gazed down on him with emotionless eyes. “Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean that you're stronger. Bruce Lee only weighed one hundred and thirty-five pounds at his peak.”
“I guess you didn't know that Darren's a black belt,” I said to William as I flanked Darren's side, feeling smugly proud of my best friend.
“Let's go, Tara,” Darren told me.
Like a classic move villain, William looked up at us and said, “This isn't over.”
But it was over, at least for the time being.
We walked down the stairs, hand in hand, as Darren tried to get me out of the house as quickly as possible. Eventually, James Philip would realize that there was a hole in one of the walls of his parents' house, and he would be pissed. That didn't matter now though. All that mattered was getting away from this nightmare.
“Did he hurt you?” Darren asked when we stepped into his car.
“Yes.”
“How?” He turned to look at me, concern filling his normally calm face.
“He hit me, but I'm fine. Let's just get out of here.”
Darren drove me back to my house. It was past midnight, and my parents had already gone to bed. My mother had wanted to stay up until I got home so that I could tell her all about prom, but after I sent her that text message, I suppose she thought it could wait until morning.
We sat in the driveway in front of my house, staring forward awkwardly.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked.
Darren nodded, killing the engine and following me out of the car. We tiptoed upstairs to my bedroom, being careful not to make a sound until we were inside with the door closed.
“Was it everything you expected?” Darren asked me dryly as he took a seat on my bed.
I gave him a sarcastic look. “That's not even funny.”
“It wasn't meant to be.”
“You were asking about prom then?” I stood in front of the mirror over my dresser to begin taking off my jewelry.
“Mhm.”
“It was okay. Kind of boring. William wasn't the best date, if you can imagine that.”
“I can. So I guess it probably would have been better if you had gone with me.”
“Is that what you want me to say?” I turned to him with a sigh.
“Well, you haven't thanked me for rescuing you yet, so yeah, I'd at least like something positive out of you for all of my efforts.”
His words made me feel horrible. He was right, I hadn't shown any gratitude for what he had done for me. I had taken him for granted, like coming to my rescue at the last minute was part of his job duties as my best friend.
“Thank you,” I said, looking him straight in the eyes. “Thank you for saving me. And yes, prom would have been a lot better if you had taken me. William was so lame. We got there late, and all he wanted to do was hangout with his friends. He hangs out with his friends every day. Prom is supposed to be about more than that.”
“Like what?”
“Like dancing and enjoying your date, and I don't know, just stuff like that.” I kicked my high heels off and came to sit down beside him, reflecting on how horrible my night had been. Just thinking about it made me want to cry, the hurtful things William had said to me. If it wasn't for Darren, I would probably be in a naked ball of sobs right now, my innocence stolen by some monster.
Tears ran down my face unbidden, and Darren quickly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him for comfort. He felt so solid and safe. My knight in shining armor.
Just thinking about the night made me realize how lucky I was to have him. He was perfect. Handsome, smart, strong. Everyone else seemed to be able to see it but me. I wished with everything in me that I could conjure up romantic feelings for him. My mother was right, there would never be anyone better for me.
Then I thought about what had happened to Krista and what had almost happened to me. Losing your virginity was supposed to be some romantic magical moment. It was scary to think that someone cruel and greedy could take that from you. I had spent most of my teenage years thinking that life should be like a movie, but not all movies have happy endings. Not all movies are about romance and love. A lot of them are about the horrible things in life.
If I waited for the right man to give myself to, there was a chance I could bump into the wrong man again. Not all men were good and kind like Darren. I had experienced so many of my firsts with him, and I never walked away feeling ashamed or embarrassed or regretting it. Maybe I could give him this too, and perhaps if I gave him this, feelings would come, and we could have our happy ending.
My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of what I was about to do. If I went for it, there would be no going back. Well, maybe there would be. Darren wasn't the type of guy to force me into anything. Still, it wouldn't be fair to him if I started something and didn't finish it. His love for me was so strong. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him if I suddenly changed my mind.
Is this what you really want, Tara? You know he'll take good care of you. It might not be magical, but at least you'll know you're giving it to the right person. No one deserves it more.
No one deserves it more. Those words echoed in my mind as I tilted my face up and sought out Darren's lips. I could feel his body tense from the shock of my actions, but seconds later he relaxed, holding me tighter against him and reciprocating my affection. His mouth was hot against mine, his lips moving with restrained hunger. Each kiss was astoundingly gentle yet passionate at the same time, as if his lips were delicately dancing against mine, trying to seek out pleasure but not be too desperate about it.
While I didn't feel sparks from the kiss, I felt safe in his arms, and there was definitely a strange kind of warmth brewing inside of me. This wasn't our clueless children selves trying out kissing for the first time. We were adults now, and we both fully realized what this kind of kissing was going to lead to.
Darren's hands explored my body cautiously while he kissed me, caressing the bare skin of my back, trailing down my arms. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once, avoiding my most intimate places. I couldn't help but wonder if he was terrified to touch me. We were crossing boundaries that best friends should never cross. Maybe he was secretly just as afraid of crossing them as I was. But I had made up my mind. This was right. It was the best way I could think of to thank him for always being there for me, and it was the only way I knew for sure that I wouldn't have a horrible first-time experience.
I waited a few more minutes for Darren to make the next move, to grope my breasts or try to take off my dress. He seemed content with kissing and innocent petting. Perhaps he assumed that was as far as I wanted to go with this. I would have to show him otherwise.
When I broke free of the kiss and opened my eyes, his were still closed. I tried my hardest not to grin at the smitten expression on his face. If he had ever looked happier, I couldn't remember.
I stood up and took a few steps away before turning to Darren and reaching behind myself to unzip my dress. It fell to the floor in a heap at my feet, leaving me completely exposed except for my underwear. Darren gulped as he soaked me in, looking far less confident now. He was starting to get the picture.
I stepped out of the dress and walked back over to him, straddling his lap and wrapping my hands around the back of his neck, so I could look down into the endless depths of his blue eyes. It felt so strange seducing him. Usually, I was the one being pursued by men. Darren was too timid. I could only hope that now that I'd shown him what I wanted, he would take the reigns.
“What are you doing?” he asked me.
“Isn't this what you've always wanted?”
“For as long as I can remember.”
“Then take it.”
“Are you sure it's okay?”
“Mhm.” I nodded, smiling at him.
He didn't need anymore of an invitation. All reservations left Darren as his mouth and hands began to explore past every forbidden line that had been set in our relationship from the beginning. When his lips found one of my nipples, shocks of lust coursed between my legs. My body lit up with sensation as he fondled my breast with one hand, wrapping his other arm around me and bucking the hardness beneath his jeans up between my legs.
I raked my fingers through his hair as he buried his head between my breasts, holding him to me and enjoying the feel of his warm body against mine. It was strange feeling his erection beneath me, but I knew I had already committed to feeling even more of it. The thought of having him inside of me was a bit daunting, but every time uncertainty reared its ugly head, I stifled it down by reminding myself that this was the right thing to do.
“Get undressed,” I told Darren when I had had enough of the heated make-out session. My uncertainties were starting to get the better of me, and I wanted to get things done before I decided to back out completely.
I rose from Darren's lap and slid my underwear down. It felt odd being so exposed to him, and his staring didn't make it any better. Was I the first girl he had ever seen naked in real life? I doubted it, but I was too afraid to ask.
He gazed upon me for a few lingering seconds before he began undressing. I had seen him shirtless dozens of times. It wasn't anything new to me. Pantsless was another story though. My breath hitched as he pulled his boxers down and the monster between his legs sprang out. It was far from the tiny pink worm that I had first laid eyes on when we were children. Darren was all man now, thick and long. How something so small could grow into something so big, I'd never know, but now I was even more apprehensive about sleeping with him. I'd seen plenty of dicks in my time, and his definitely was in the larger range.
I didn't have much time to think about it before he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms. Feeling his naked flesh against mine was so surreal. His hard cock pressed between my legs, making me blush. Were we really going to do this?
“I love you,” he whispered into my ear as he nuzzled his cheek against mine. “I always have, and I always will.”
“I love you too,” was all I could think of to respond. If I said anything else, it would have just ruined the moment—it would have made him stop, and I didn't want him to stop. It wasn't a lie that I loved him. I did love him, just not in the way that he loved me. He didn't need to know that though. Not now when we were so close.
Darren and I kissed and embraced a while longer before he took my hand and led me to the bed. I knew what he wanted me to do—knew it was time. I laid down on my back with my legs slightly spread, feeling more nervous than I ever imagined I would for my first time. So many conflicting thoughts were going through my head. Physically, everything felt right, for the most part. Emotionally, I knew I was being selfish. Did I want this? Yes. Was I really thinking about what it would do to him? No.
By the time Darren finally crawled on top of me, he was trembling. It was odd to see him so unnerved. I was used to him being sure of himself all the time, but now his face was filled with so much uncertainty. I wished I could tell what he was thinking. Was he worried about how this would change our relationship, or was he just so sexually excited that he could barely handle it? Part of me even feared he might pre-maturely ejaculate, but perhaps that wouldn't be the worst thing. Maybe it would be his body's way of saving us from making a horrible mistake. There was no way to know.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked him, stroking his cheek affectionately, giving him a chance to back out, to save us both from shattering our friendship and turning it into something else.
“I'm sure.” He nodded, though he couldn't look me in the eye when he said it.
Darren took a deep breath, steadying himself before reaching down to grip his length. When I felt it press at my borderline, my entire body tensed. Oh God, is this the right thing to do? I know I want it with him. I mean, I think I want it.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Suddenly, I felt like we were children again, playing at being grown up, not really knowing what in the hell we were doing. Of course, we were both far from children, and we both knew about sex—had seen videos, pictures on the internet, talked about it with our friends. Doing it was a whole other story though, and we were both making the experience completely awkward.
“I'm ready,” I told him, holding my breath for the pain to come.
He pressed forward slowly, his manhood slipping inside of me. It felt too big, and I had to brace myself to keep from begging him to stop.
“Are you alright?” he asked, noticing the pain contorting my face.
“Is it in yet?”
“Not all the way.”
“It hurts pretty bad.”
“Do you want me to pull out?”
“No. Just keep going.”
“Maybe if I do it faster?”
“Yeah. That might help.”
“Alright. I'm going to put it in all the way. Are you ready?”
I wasn't ready, but what else could I say. “Yeah, go ahead.”
I held my breath as he bucked forward, filling my completely in one quick thrust. The initial pain of him breaking through my barrier about made me cry out, but once he was inside, the pain began melting away into something bearable. I exhaled heavily, panting as my body adjusted to the feeling. Darren groaned, looking like he had just landed in ecstasyville, and I couldn't help but smirk at him despite my discomfort.
“That good, huh?” I asked.
“You have no idea.”
“I wish I could say the same.”
“Do you want me to pull out?” His pleasured look warped into one of concern.
“No. Just . . . you know what to do.”
Darren leaned down to kiss the corner of my mouth as he began moving his body on top of mine. To my surprise, it felt incredibly good. The pain was still there, but it wasn't anywhere near as intense, more like an annoyance, and thoughts of it were almost completely washed away as his pubic bone massaged against my sensitive clit. I shuddered pleasantly and moaned, trying to be as quiet as possible, though the strange sensation between my legs made it difficult. This was far better than I ever thought it would be.
“Are you alright?” Darren asked again.
“I'm fine. Just keep going,” I replied, a bit annoyed.
I decided to silence him by occupying his mouth with mine. His kisses became a lot less gentle, which I liked. Passion was taking over, and his movements on top of me seemed almost natural. Losing myself in the pleasure again, I kissed him a final time before letting my head rest on the pillow, and my eyes drift to the back of my head. For those few brief moments before climax, we weren't best friends anymore; we were lovers. Everything felt amazing and perfect and good. Too good.
The friction between my legs drove me up the pinnacle of release, and the faster Darren thrust, the quicker I climbed along with him. It wasn't long before I reached the top. I wrapped my arms around Darren as my body dove over the edge. He fell with me, thrusting a few more times before he stilled breathlessly on top of me.
We laid there for several minutes afterward, panting, holding each other like we were the only two people left in the world. I loved him then, maybe as more than a friend. It sure felt like it. As I stared up at my ceiling, I didn't quite understand what was taking over me. But when I looked down at Darren, reality set in. My body's core was cooling from the heated sex, and I was back in my room, holding my best friend's naked body on top of me. I can pretend for just one night, can't I? Pretend that we're something more than friends. Pretend that this is how it was always meant to be, that I love him and he loves me and we're perfect together. Yes, I can pretend.
Darren rolled over beside me and pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his frantic heartbeat as it began to calm. I could feel remnants of our coupling between my legs, and I thanked God that I was on birth control. Sleeping with Darren was strange, but ending up pregnant with his child would be so much stranger. And then the fear came over me that I would end up like my mother. History would repeat himself. Darren was dutiful. He'd step into the role of father without hesitation, and we'd both piss away our lives to support the screaming brat we had haphazardly brought into the world. It was a depressing thought. Thank God I was on birth control.
“I've dreamed about this night since I first learned what sex was,” Darren said, breaking me away from my thoughts.
“I've thought about it too.” Though not that it would be with you. “Was this your first time?”
“Was it that obvious?”
“You were really nervous.” I smirked at him before kissing his chest.
“I was. I can't deny that. It will be better next time, I promise.”
Next time. There wouldn't be a next time. It hurt me to realize he didn't understand that. This hadn't been something I had done out of love. I did it out of appreciation . . . and selfishness. Still, it wasn't worth ruining the rest of the night by telling him that. I can pretend, for just one night.
“How did you know I would be at the party?” I asked, changing the subject.
“I didn't.”
“Then why were you there?”
He huffed, looking down at me. “Just because I didn't go to prom doesn't mean I wasn't invited to the after party.”
“Oh. Well, how did you know that I was there? I didn't see you when I was downstairs.”
“I asked around when I got there. Someone said you had gone upstairs with William, so I went looking for you.”
I laughed uncomfortably. “That was kind of nosy of you.”
“Being nosy paid off.”
“What if I would have been happy with what he was trying to do to me?”
“Then I would have embarrassed myself.”
“Indeed.”
“But I didn't embarrass myself. You were in trouble, and I was able to be there for you when you needed me the most. That makes me happy.”
I smiled, feeling a strange stirring in my chest which I quickly tried to stifle down. These feelings aren't real. It's only in the moment. It's only because he knows what to say. He always says the right things. It's one of his talents.
“I should probably go.” Darren sat up.
I quickly grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back down to me, placing my head on his chest to trap him. “No. You stay here tonight.”
“What if your parents wake up?”
“I'll set the alarm. You can leave before they get up, like we used to do when we were kids. Remember that? You would sneak into my room and then leave before they woke up.”
“How could I forget. This is a bit different though. They don't know I'm staying the night.”
“They love you like a son. They won't care.”
“Alright.” He surrendered.
We crawled under the covers, and I set the alarm and turned off the light, cuddling against him and letting the steady sound of his heartbeat carry me off to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, I thought I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and the door opening. Whether I dreamed it or not, I wasn't sure, but I was too comfortable to move. Darren and I fit together perfectly. We always had, as if our bodies had been poured into a mold that only connected with one another. It was something I had noticed with all my previous boyfriends. None of them ever felt as comfortable to lay on as Darren.
The alarm rang too early in the morning. I was dead tired and barely mumbled a few words to Darren as he crawled out of bed, put on his clothes, told me he loved me, kissed me, and headed out the door. It was several hours later that I finally arose, wondering if the night before had been a dream. The soreness between my legs and bloodstain on my sheets told me it hadn't been. There was also a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just screwed up really bad, perhaps the worst screw up of my entire life.
I tried to ignore that feeling as I took a shower and got dressed before heading downstairs for breakfast. The scent of eggs, sausage, and waffles made my stomach rumble with hunger, and my mother served them to me with a suspicious grin.
“What?” I arched an eyebrow at her as I slid onto one of the chairs in front of the kitchen bar.
“How did prom go?” she asked, practically wiggling.
“It was interesting,” I said with a sigh before taking a huge bite of scrambled egg.
“What time did you get home last night?”
“A little after one in the morning.”
She fixed herself a plate and sat beside me, obviously wanting all the details. How could I tell her the details though when most of them were horrible? I would much rather avoid talking about it completely.
The grin stayed on my mom's face while she ate. I could feel the excitement radiating from her, the unanswered questions she was dying to ask.
“What are you so happy about?” I scowled.
“What are you so grumpy about?” She turned to me, her smile never faltering.
“You're acting weird.”
“It's because I'm waiting for you to spill the beans.”
“There are no beans to spill.”
“Oh really?”
“Really,” I grumbled.
“Well, how about that William didn't drop you off last night.”
“How would you know that?” I looked at her, trying not to betray the fact that my heart was sinking into the pit of my stomach, filling it up so that my appetite was a lot less than it had been before. She knew something—had seen something or heard something. The thought was absolutely mortifying.
“Darren stayed the night, didn't he?”
“No.” I turned back to my plate, refusing to look her in the eye.
“Tara, don't lie to me,” her voice was stern.
I sighed, “Fine. Darren brought me home. Are you happy?”
“Why did Darren bring you home? What happened to William?”
There was no point in hiding it anymore. I decided to spill my guts, telling her everything. When I finished the story, her smile was gone, replaced by a look of extreme concern.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yes. Thanks to Darren, I'm fine.”
“Thank goodness. I should go have a talk with that boy's parents.”
“No, Mom.” I turned to her in a panic.
“Then we should call the police. That kid shouldn't be able to get away with what he tried to do.”
“No. It's fine. Darren took care of it.”
“I'm worried about that too. Bad kids like that, they don't let things go sometimes. I really think you should let me call the police for you.”
“What would they do? Nothing happened.”
“He hit you, Tara! And he attacked Darren. Scum like that needs to be locked up.”
“It's after the fact. Ugh. This is why I didn't want to tell you.” I sunk down into the chair, my appetite now completely gone.
“Well don't get angry at me over it. I'm not the one who started this.”
“It's over now. There's no point in bothering with it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's putting me in a bad mood.”
“Fine,” she surrendered with a sigh, turning her attention to another subject. “What about you and Darren?”
“What about me and Darren?” That topic only made me more irritable.
“Well, are you going to start dating now?”
“No. Why would we?"
“I just figured that after last night, you might have changed your mind.” The mischievous grin made a reappearance.
I furrowed my brows at her. “He just rescued me. That's not exactly grounds for a relationship.”
“Well, when I saw you two curled up together last night, I kinda got the impression that something else was going on.”
“When you saw us curled up together?” My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and anger.
She turned to me with a completely innocent expression. “How else would I have known he was over?”
“So I did hear you coming up the stairs last night.” I frowned.
“That was me.” We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before she spoke again, “You know, I probably wouldn't have come up if you two hadn't been making so much noise.”
I don't think my face could have turned a deeper shade of pink. She heard us? I thought we were being fairly quiet.
“Thin walls,” she said, as if reading my mind.
“Oh God, just stop. Please. Stop.”
“How was he?”
“Mom! Ugh! I can't believe we're talking about this.”
“I'm just curious,” she laughed.
“I wouldn't know. He was my first. And I was his first. It was awkward.”
“Aww, that's so cute.”
“We're never speaking of this again.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Alright. Time to be serious. If you don't love him, then why did you sleep with him?”
I shrugged. “Well, I thought about what happened to Krista and about what almost happened to me. I've been saving myself for the right guy, but after the thing with William, it just felt kind of pointless. I thought it would be best if I at least did it with someone who cared about me, even if it wasn't the man of my dreams. Besides, Darren came to my rescue. It was the best way I could think of to reward him.” I shrugged again, realizing my logic was completely stupid.
“Oh, Tara. You don't reward a guy who's in love with you with sex if you don't have the same feelings for him.”
“It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”
“Well, it wasn't. I just hope he can understand and you guys can salvage your friendship.”
“Me too. It would suck to lose him as a friend over something like this.”
“You're just going to have to accept the consequences for your actions, whatever they may be.”
“I know.”
But even though I said it, I didn't want to face Darren at all. As the day progressed, the more I realized what a glaring mistake I had made. I didn't regret sleeping with him. It was a selfish thing to do, but I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders worrying about if my first time was going to be with a bad man. What I did regret was how Darren would feel after I told him the truth. I had never meant to hurt him or use him.
I spent the day ignoring his text messages and phone calls. Darren wasn't one to be avoided though, and when he showed up on my doorstep that afternoon, I knew I couldn't get away from talking to him about what had happened. Well, maybe I would have tried putting it off a bit longer, but my mom gave me a look that told me if I didn't get it over with, I'd be on her bad side for a while. I swear, sometimes it seemed like she cared about his feelings more than mine. Then again, he was like the son she never had. You'd think that would have made her feel less happy that we had slept together.
“You didn't answer any of my calls,” he said when we got up to my room. “Are you alright?”
“I'm fine.” There was no hiding the dread in my voice. I knew where the conversation would eventually lead, and I knew it wouldn't have a pleasant outcome. Feeling defeated, I sat on my bed, keeping my eyes to the floor, looking like a kicked puppy.
“You don't look fine.” He arched an eyebrow suspiciously before sitting beside me. Then he sighed, “What we did last night . . . is that why you've been avoiding me?”
“Listen, Darren. I know you love me, and I care about you a lot, I really do, but in a few short months, I'll be going off to college to Baylor, and you'll be going to Colorado. We can't be together. It would be pointless.”
“Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about that,” his voice brightened a little. “My parents are rich. I can go to college anytime I want. I was thinking that maybe I could come with you to Baylor, and we could get an apartment together. Then I could work while you went to college full time. Once you graduated, I could go to college.”
I cringed internally. Of course, he would find a way for us to be together. He wasn't selfish. He would do whatever it took to make my life easier and be by my side. I didn't want him by my side though. I wanted to start a new life, somewhere else, somewhere in a big city where I wasn't suffocated by my family and the small-town environment of Castroville. Somewhere with new people and new possibilities.
“I don't want that,” I said softly.
“Why not? I thought you wanted to be with me.”
My heart broke at his words, but not half as bad as his would when I spoke mine. This was the point where everything would go south. My insides twisted as I tried to find the right thing to say to him to lessen the blow.
“Last night, I wasn't really thinking straight. When you rescued me from William, I was afraid and grateful. I wanted to show you my appreciation, but I didn't know how. And I thought that maybe if we slept together, it would make me feel something for you more than friendship,” I told him.
Though I'm not sure if I was imagining it or not, I could swear I felt him tensing beside me. All the happiness had been sucked out the room. There was just silent realization and the pain that came with it. I waited for him to say something, but he just sat there, processing my words.
“I'm sorry, Darren,” I said finally, unable to handle the silence anymore.
“So, you don't love me at all then?” his voice was strained. “Everything you said last night was a lie.”
“I do love you,” I insisted. “Just not in a romantic way.”
“So,” he dragged the word out, at a loss for what to say next. Then he stood abruptly. When I glanced up at him, I could see a mix of pain and anger on his face. His hands were trembling at his sides, and it honestly frightened me. I had never seen Darren like this before, so emotionally rattled. “That's all there is to say then,” he continued. “I'll see you later.”
I didn't follow him as he walked out the door at a hurried pace. His footsteps drummed down the stairs, and by the time I heard the front door close behind him, I was in tears. What had I done?
My mom came to the sound of my sobbing, wrapping me in her arms and telling me everything would be alright. If Darren was any real friend, he'd forgive me. He'd see the mistake I had made and learn to live with it. Things would eventually go back to the way they were before.
But they didn't go back to the way things were before, and it wasn't his fault either. The regret of hurting him struck me so deep, and I knew that if we remained friends, all I'd ever have to offer him was pain. I had taken our beautiful relationship and murdered it, given him a part of me that would leave him forever wanting more. And I could never give him the part of me that he truly sought. It was cruel to let the charade play on any longer. I had to let him go.
From that moment until I left for college, Darren spent his time trying to mend our relationship, and I spent my time trying to avoid him completely. He called and sent me text messages relentlessly, saying all the right things. No words of forgiveness could make me think he had gotten over what had happened between us. I screwed things up too bad for redemption.
It was hard being without him for a while, but Krista was there to fill the void. She was more understanding than my mom, which was a Godsend. For a while, my mom asked about Darren a lot, bringing him up during meals and trying to convince me to mend the friendship. We had even gotten into a fight over it a time or two. To be honest, I couldn't wait to leave for college, to leave her and everyone else behind and start a new life of my own.