The doorbell rang in the morning, and I groaned to life. It felt strange waking up next to Darren, but right somehow. Even after all these years, our bodies still fit perfectly together, as if we had grown into each other. I smirked at the thought, then blushed as he yawned and opened his eyes to catch me staring down at him.
“What?” He smiled, hugging me a bit tighter.
“I was just thinking about how glad I am that you're here.”
“I'm glad I'm here too,” he said, smacking his lips sleepily. His just-woke-up face was absolutely adorable. I couldn't resist giving him a quick kiss on the lips, though we both had horrible morning breath.
“Did I hear a doorbell?” he began to say when the doorbell rang again. “Yup. I did.”
“It's probably my Aunt Erica and Uncle Raymond. I'll try to send them off quickly, and then I'll make us some breakfast. I hope you still like pancakes.”
“I do.” He grinned, kissing me again.
I crawled out of bed and dug a robe out of my suitcase. It was so early in the morning, barely even nine o'clock. It annoyed me that they were such early birds, but they always had been.
Hopefully, they were just coming to check on me. I had told them that if I needed help, I would call them. Besides, thanks to Darren, I was way ahead on the packing.
Darren. I smiled to myself as I padded down the stairs, still unable to believe what had happened between us. It was like a dream, a steamy wet dream filled with lust, excitement, and strong emotion. I feared having to wake up from it. What would happen from here? Whether I wanted to or not, I still had to face reality. I had a life to return to with an apartment and a best friend and a job and a . . . boyfriend?
Thinking about Lawrence made me uncomfortable. Even though we weren't in a committed relationship, I felt like I had somehow betrayed him. My need for something more had gotten the best of me, my need for something familiar. Would I even get more out of this fling with Darren, or had I just thrown everything away yet again?
I didn't want to think about it. It was too early to think about it. Perhaps last night's dream could carry over into today. Maybe today I could continue to pretend. Darren and I could play husband and wife. I could make him pancakes, and he could eat them with a smile. Then I'd give him a kiss and send him on his way. And next . . . It was definitely too early to think about what would happen next.
I put on my best you-woke-me-up face and flung open the door, instantly blinding myself with the rays of the rising sun. My eyes quickly refocused, and my heart dropped into my feet as I stared into Lawrence's handsome face. Dear God, no. Not this. Not now.
“Good morning, sunshine,” he said, leaning forward to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Surprised to see me?”
My mind was in a total panic. What was I going to do? I couldn't possibly let him in, not when Darren was upstairs naked in my bed. But how could I turn him away? He had driven all the way from Austin to see me.
“Lawrence,” I stuttered, blocking the door, so he couldn't come in. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought I would surprise you. I know you said you didn't need any help, but you've sounded so horrible on the phone the last few times we talked. I figured I would come rescue you. It looks like you got a lot done already.” He looked past me into the house, and I glanced upstairs, hoping and praying that Darren would stay put.
“I um, I appreciate your offer, but I think I've got things pretty well taken care of.”
He gave me a quizzical look. “Are you going to let me in?”
“Sure.” I quickly stepped away from the door. The worst thing I could do was look suspicious.
Hopefully, Darren would be patient enough to stay upstairs until I was able to usher Lawrence out. But how on earth was I going to do that without seeming rude or ungrateful?
“I really would have liked to see this place before,” Lawrence said as he walked around, looking at the bare shelves and walls. “It would have given me a better idea of what your parents were like.”
“I thought we agreed we'd never meet each other's parents.” I came to his side, standing with my back towards the stairs as if I was trying to block them from view.
“I know, but events like this really put things into perspective, you know.”
“Perspective. Yeah.”
“Are you alright?” He turned to me. “Because you're acting kind of weird. Then again, I suppose you would after all you've been through.”
“I'm fine. Really. I just . . . didn't expect you to show up like this.”
“Like I said, I wanted to surprise you. You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us lately. There was something I wanted to do on our date the other night, but I didn't get the chance. Of course, this comes first. I understand that. I was going to wait until you came home, but then I realized that life is too short to put off the important things. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to head out here to see you.”
“Tara,” Darren's voice came from the top of the stairs.
If feelings of guilt could kill a person, I would have died on the spot. Every part of me just wanted to disappear. To make things worse, when I turned around, Darren was in nothing but his cut offs. My mouth fell open, as if I was just as shocked to see him standing there as Lawrence was.
You need to do damage control. Now! Before one of them says something.
“Darren,” I forced myself to speak, though I ended up almost choking on his name. “This is Lawrence, a very close friend from Austin. He decided to come by and help me finish up here. It looks like we'll have to take a rain check on breakfast.”
Darren looked down at Lawrence, and I watched them silently assess each other. The wheels were turning. I could see the muscles in Lawrence's jaw tense as he stared up at the shirtless man who returned his gaze without a sense of threat.
“I'll be down in a minute,” Darren said finally, going back to my room to get his shirt.
Lawrence cast a disapproving glance in my direction, and I cowered internally. All happiness had melted from his expression, and I was sure I had guilt written all over my face. I'd never been good at hiding my feelings, and there was no way to explain the fact that I was wearing nothing but a robe and Darren was practically naked as well.
“Your old friend from high school?” the displeasure was clear in Lawrence's voice.
“Yes,” I replied.
Darren reappeared at the top of stairs, fully clothed. He jogged down them as casually as if he was getting ready to greet my mom, then held out his hand to shake Lawrence's.
“Darren, I've heard so much about you,” Lawrence said politely.
“She still talks about me after all these years, huh?” Darren cocked a smile. If it had been any other time, I might have melted from his charm. Right now, I just wanted to melt from the horrible emotions raging through me.
“Not really. I just recognized the name,” his words took a cold turn.
“Lawrence, was it?” There was a strange gleam in Darren's eyes as he spoke. Some silent exchange was happening between them, and it didn't take telepathy to know that they were both slowly figuring each other out. “She never mentioned you.”
The words cut through me like a knife, but I was sure they wounded Lawrence even deeper. As if my betrayal hadn't been bad enough, Darren had to salt the wound. I hated him for it, was silently seething.
“I'm surprised,” Lawrence countered. “We've only been dating for four years.”
Darren didn't even bother to hide his surprise. Now his eyes were on me, and I could see the anger behind them, or was it disappointment.
“Well, I suppose I should be off, then,” he said. “It was fun, Tara. Perhaps I'll catch you again before you leave town.”
“Tell your mom thanks for the pie,” I said as I walked around Lawrence to usher Darren towards the door.
“It was her pleasure.”
Lawrence was watching me like a hawk, and I knew better than to step outside with Darren. It felt like I should say something to him, though I had no idea what. He turned to me, and there was that anger again.
“Call me later,” he said.
“Alright.” I wasn't sure if it was a lie or not. There was too much going on in the present to think about the future.
The door closed, and I felt almost sick. This was not going to be a fun conversation.
“Well, that was unexpected,” Lawrence commented when I rejoined him in the living room.
I kept my head down, feeling like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. This was me in full submissive mode, waiting to accept my punishment, whatever it might be. The thought of losing Lawrence made me want to die, but I knew I had to be strong. If I was in his shoes, I would cut me loose too.
“I don't know what to say, Lawrence. Honestly.”
He sighed, “Well, there's only one thing I want to know.”
“Ask me anything, and I'll tell you the truth.” My eyes were beginning to water already, but I fought back the tears.
“Did you fuck him?” came the painful question.
“Yes.”
The silence in the room was deafening. My tear ducts surrendered, sending large salty drops streaming down my cheeks. This was the end; I just knew it.
“Say something,” I begged.
“Do you love him?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“That's all that matters, I suppose.”
I was taken aback by his words. What did he mean? Was he actually going to forgive me? For a few moments, I wasn't even sure I had heard him right.
“I'm sorry. Despite what you think, I didn't plan for this or expect it to happen,” I told him.
“You don't need to explain.” He turned to me, his expression sincere, though I could still see some pain behind it. “I understand. You're going through a rough time. He was here for you. I wasn't. This is partially my fault.”
“Your fault? How could this possibly be your fault?” I couldn't believe what he was saying.
“I should have known better than to leave you alone. You may have been afraid to say it, but I know you need me now. Needed me to be at the funeral. You're hurting and vulnerable.
“I've been stubborn, Tara. I know that. I didn't want to integrate you fully into my life because I worried I would lose you if I did. Now I'm losing you because I didn't.”
“Your not losing me,” I cut him off quickly. “He means nothing to me. I swear it to you.”
“I know he doesn't.” Lawrence offered a weak smile before lifting a hand to wipe one of my tears away with his thumb. “I can see it in your face.”
I wondered what else he saw there. Guilt that spanned almost a decade. Uncertainty that my life was going in the right direction. Confusion about what I really wanted.
“I'm going to stay with you and help you finish up here,” he told me. “We'll get this done, then we'll go back home and work on changing things.”
“That sounds good,” I replied softly.
The rest of the day was awkward. We tackled my parents' bedroom together, though the progress was slow. Then we moved on to the garage. I couldn't help but be impressed by how Darren seemed to know exactly where each item should go. Donate. Keep. Throw away. Lawrence, on the other hand, didn't have a clue. Then again, the garage used to be my father's domain, and Lawrence knew nothing of my father, nor did he know much about tools. In truth, Lawrence wasn't much of a handyman. When something broke around the house, he'd call someone to come fix it. Darren, on the other hand, even though he had grown up with money, had taken the time to learn to do things himself . . . had taken the time by allowing my father to teach him, by helping him work on the car or to build the deck that we had spent so many summer afternoons sitting on and drinking lemonade with my mom. Good memories. Happy memories. Memories that were bringing me to tears just by thinking about them.
“What's wrong?” Lawrence asked when he saw me crying again.
“Nothing.” I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “Going through all this stuff just gets to me, you know.”
“I know it's not easy. Do you want to break for lunch? We could go out and get something.”
Just the mention of leaving the house made me tense. The past seemed like it was right outside the door, waiting to attack me again. It was better to stay here.
“If you could go to the store to get some bread, I could make us sandwiches,” I offered. “I think there's still lunch meat and cheese in the fridge.”
“I'd rather go out.”
“And I'd rather not,” I said firmly, then immediately felt bad for it. After being caught with Darren, being a bitch was the last thing I should be doing.
“Fine. It's fine. I'll go to the store,” Lawrence surrendered wearily.
“Thank you,” I replied quietly. “I'd just like to stay here and work on this some more. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we can go home.”
“At this rate, I think we'll be done by tomorrow.”
“We should be. All that's left is the kitchen, the guest bedroom, the closets, and the attic.”
“That's more than I thought.”
“Well, all the stuff in the attic should already be boxed up, so we'd really only have to go through the few odds and ends up there. I want to move everything to storage so that I'll have time to go through it properly.”
“Whatever you want to do. This is your house, after all.”
My house. It was a strange thing to think. A house of my own hadn't been in the plans. At best, I thought I might eventually move in with Lawrence. I never considered having a house of my own. It would be a short-lived experience though. Selling the house was the best option. Even if I did eventually want a house of my own, I wouldn't want it here. I could save back the money and eventually buy one I wanted, somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't Castroville.
Lawrence left me to go to the store, but instead of working, I simply sat in the guest bedroom with a box, thinking about the mess I had gotten myself into. How Lawrence could be so forgiving, I didn't understand. No girl in the world was luckier than I was to have him. Still, even after he accepted my apology, something didn't feel right. Perhaps it was because the wounds were too fresh. Maybe it was because of everything I was going through. It could have even been because I felt some strange sense of remorse for saying that Darren meant nothing to me. Did he really mean nothing to me? Had our tryst been only out of selfish need with no emotion involved? There was a strange aching in my heart that told me that wasn't the case. He was the past though, albeit the very recent past. Lawrence was my future. I had no place in Castroville. No place with him.
Lawrence returned, and I made us sandwiches. Then we finished up the guest bedroom and kitchen before it was time to go to bed. We slept in my parents' bed, since it was the only queen-size bed in the house. Of course, I changed the sheets first. I couldn't stand the trauma of smelling their scent all night. Just sleeping in the bed with Lawrence felt somehow wrong, but it made more sense than getting a hotel room. He held me in his arms, stroking my back gently.
“I'm glad I came out here to be with you,” he said softly, waking me from a half-sleep.
“You are?” I certainly wouldn't have been if I had caught him with another woman.
“Yeah. It made me realize how much you truly mean to me. Not that I hadn't realized it before. This just kind of . . . kicked it up a notch.”
“I'm surprised you're not pissed, to be honest.”
“Well, I'm not happy, but that can't be helped. Like I said, this is partially my fault. We weren't really committed, and I want that to change.”
“You do?”
He turned to me, gazing at me through the darkness. His face was sincere, his eyes loving.
“It never seems like there's a right time to do this, so I'm just going to do it now.”
My heart skipped a beat at his words. He was being so serious, and I was on edge wondering what he meant. I wasn't dense enough not to think I had a good idea, but I was too scared of being wrong to want to assume.
“Tara Edwards,” he said my name in a way he'd never said it before.
“Yes?”
“Will you marry me?”
The emotions that ran through me were nothing like I had expected they would be the first time I was proposed to. Sure, there was excitement and love, but most of all, there was a strange fear. The timing was just off. I had been stressed out, and not particularly the best candidate for marriage lately, not to mention the fact that we hadn't even gone through the typical pre-engagement relationship. It just felt wrong.
My need for something more, however, something official, something that bound me to him, that set my life on the right path, made me say, “Yes.”
I could see him smiling through the darkness, that charming smile that warmed my heart. He was happy. Wasn't I? Everything just felt too surreal for me to appreciate the moment, like I was living in some strange dream.
“I'm glad you said yes.” Lawrence leaned over to kiss me affectionately on the lips.
I kissed him back halfheartedly, only to be met with a more urgent touch of his lips. He reached out to wrap his arms around me, cradling me to him, his passion ignited. My body was as cold as ice, my pleasure center shut down from confusion and uncertainty. Guilt flooded me at the realization that he wanted to celebrate my acceptance, and my body was anything but receptive.
“Not tonight,” I whispered into the darkness as he went to kiss my neck.
He leaned back to look at my face, his expression marred with soft offense. “Sorry. I just got excited is all.”
“I know, but I'm tired tonight, and I really don't want to do this in their bed.”
“Sorry. I understand now. I totally forgot about that. You just get me so riled up sometimes.”
“It's fine.”
“Do you want to go upstairs?”
His suggestion caught me off guard. My room felt equally as inappropriate to fuck in as my parents' bed. I wasn't sure if he was trying to erase what I had done with Darren, or if he just really wanted to have sex. Either way, it wasn't going to happen.
“I'm tired,” I complained. “Aren't you tired? We've been working all day.”
“I'm never too tired for sex.”
“Hell, I was half asleep when you proposed to me.”
“Oh no. I hope that doesn't mean you're going to wake up thinking it was a dream,” he teased.
“I just might.” I grinned at him, leaning in for a kiss. Crisis averted. “I promise I'll make up for this when we get home.”
“You better.”
“I will. Now go to sleep. I want to get out of here as soon as possible tomorrow.”
“So do I.”
Sleep didn't come easy after that. It was strange to think that last night I was having sex with Darren, and tonight I had become engaged to a guy who refused to commit to me for four years. Why did my life have to be so bizarre? I supposed I should just be grateful that everything was working out. Soon, I would be back home, and things would return to normal. We could put this whole mess behind us and move on with our new life together.
***
I sighed the next day when Lawrence and I were cleaning out the attic and I heard the doorbell ring. Why people kept insisting on coming over when they knew I was working, I didn't understand. It only served to stress me out. All I wanted was to finish up packing and go home.
Lawrence went into the kitchen to make some tea while I answered the door. When I opened it, my lips sunk into a frown, and I quickly stepped outside to avoid another awkward situation.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Darren as I closed the door behind myself.
“Well hello to you too.” The smile he was sporting quickly faded.
“You shouldn't be here,” I whispered.
“I wouldn't be if you had called me.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
His head bobbed in surprise. “Really? So, was the other night a repeat of the old days? Fuck and run. I thought you wanted to mean something to me.”
“The other night was a mistake.” I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, avoiding his gaze. Guilt was eating me alive, but I refused to let it show.
“A mistake,” he huffed. “You sure didn't make it sound like a mistake.”
“Well, it was, okay.”
The door opened, and my heart dropped to my feet as Lawrence stepped out. Why couldn't Darren have just gone away? I felt shitty for hurting him . . . again, but this wasn't the time or place to deal with it.
“Is there a problem here?” Lawrence asked in his I-mean-business voice.
“No. Darren just wanted to say goodbye to me before I left town,” I told him.
“Yeah, I guess that's all I came over for,” the venom in Darren's voice poisoned my heart.
“Good. Then you should leave. We're very busy,” Lawrence said, taking a step towards me and putting his arm protectively around my waist.
Thankfully, that was all it took to make Darren return to his vehicle, though he glared at me the entire time he was backing out of the driveway. If looks could kill, I would have died several times over. I deserved to die for what I had done to him. The day was ruined.
“We're going home today,” I informed Lawrence as I turned to walk back inside the house. “Whether we finish or not.”
He grunted in agreement, following me.
For the remainder of the day, we worked extra hard, sorting things with little care. I was so done with packing that it wasn't even funny. As long as I stayed in Castroville, I wouldn't get any peace, I just knew it.
Shortly after noon, we got the last box packed. I closed up the house, too fed up with everything to give it one final fond look, and then we climbed into our cars and made the journey back to Austin. When we left the Castroville city limits, it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of me. The thought of having to come back to deal with the boxes and furniture filled me with anxiety. It could be put off for a while though. I needed to recover, not just from my parents' passing, but also from everything that had happened these past few days. For as much as I wanted to get the house sold, I knew I wouldn't be able to face it again for a while. Maybe I could talk Lawrence into handling it for me, though I would feel bad for asking it of him. It wasn't his responsibility, but if we were to be married, then it became his problem by default. We could discuss it later. All that mattered now was getting back home and returning to some semblance of a normal life.