“I'm going to get an abortion.” I feel dead inside as I say it. I probably even look dead. Evelyn is sitting across from me at the dining room table, and I'm staring right through her. My stomach lurches from my own words. A phantom kick, perhaps. It's too early for that though.
Her mouth drops open in utter horror. “Tessa, no.”
“I don't want this baby.” I want to cry, but no tears are coming. It's like I've run out of them from all the crying I've been doing since I met Anders.
“Did it really go that badly?” Her body is completely stiff. I can tell this conversation makes her uncomfortable. She's very much against abortion.
“I didn't tell him.” I shake my head, feeling ashamed. Today, breakfast doesn't look appetizing at all. I haven't been hungry ever since I left Anders' loft. There's a strange hollowness inside of me that can't be filled by food or anything else.
“Why not?” She's angry at me. I can hear it in her voice.
I sigh, “I just couldn't. He was so happy to see me, to be with me. If I told him, it would have ruined things.”
“You've got to be fucking kidding me.” The tension in the room is palpable. “You mean to tell me that you didn't tell him because you were scared of losing him? How fucking selfish are you, Tessa? He's just a man. He's replaceable. This is your child. This is your child's life you're talking about.
“Fuck him if he doesn't want to be the father. He should have thought about that all the times you guys weren't using protection. This is his responsibility, and it's yours.”
“I know.” A flood of emotion washes over me as I quickly become overwhelmed by her lecture. “And I'm taking responsibility of it for the both of us.”
“That's not fair.” She leans back so quickly that I can hear her chair scratch against the tile. “So, you're not even going to tell him that you're getting an abortion?”
“No.” I bite the inside of my mouth, realizing how selfish that sounds.
“I don't know what happened to you. The Tessa I know would never do anything this stupid.”
“He happened to me, okay,” I practically yell at her, tired of being torn down. Doesn't she realize I've been beating myself up enough over this already? I need support, not criticism.
“I just don't understand why you won't tell him.”
“He's not going to want the kid. I already know that. And I don't want to be a single mom.”
“How do you know that?” She makes an aggravated gesture with her hand.
“Because I know, okay,” I insist. “He already has a kid with another woman. I doubt he'll want another one.” As much as I blame this on Anders though, it's not all about him. It's more about me. I can't afford to support a child on my own. And I don't want Evelyn and Martin to feel obligated to take care of us.
“You're being completely irrational. You don't know because you haven't talked to him about it. You're only saying this stuff because you're scared, and that's understandable. Just take some time to think about this. It's not like you don't have time. You're what, a few weeks pregnant now,” her voice turns sympathetic. She's pleading with me, trying to appeal to my reasoning.
“I've made up my mind.” I cross my arms over my chest. “I'm going to make the appointment as soon as possible.” The longer this baby stays inside of me, the worse I'll feel—the more I'll think about it. I'm under so much stress right now. I just want it to be over.
“You'll regret this for the rest of your life, Tessa,” her tone hardens again, and there's a hint of maliciousness behind it, as if I've wronger her. Oh great, now I have to worry about my relationship with my best friend on top of everything else. I just can't win.
“That's my problem, not yours,” I tell her matter-of-factually.
“And where do you plan on getting the money to pay for this abortion?” she asks. I open my mouth to speak, but she quickly cuts me off, “I'm not helping you with this. I've done a lot for you. Not this though. I want no part of it.”
I recoil. To be honest, I had hoped she'd be willing to loan me the money. Now that I see that's not the case though, I'll just divert to plan B. “I've been saving up money to get my own apartment. I'll just use that.” It's another slap to her face. She didn't know I was planning to move out. I had never really talked to her about it.
Her jaw clenches. “Do what you want. Just don't come crying to me when it's all over with.” She pushes herself away from table with such force that her chair topples over, and she has to bend to pick it back up.
My heart breaks as I watch her walk away. It feels like in the span of a few minutes, I've lost everything I care about. I don't know how I'm going to move on from this.
***
This feels worse than I could have ever imagined. Four cold white walls, and somewhere further within, the means to an end for my child. I stare at the posters on the wall that tell me this is the right thing to do, while the picketers outside of the building made me feel the exact opposite. It's as contradicting as the thoughts going on inside my head. I had put up a good front of being sure about this until I actually walked into the building. Now, time is my enemy, and I'm dying inside worse than ever before. I wish Evelyn was here, or Anders, or someone to console me. What I'm about to do . . . this is the worst thing I've ever done.
The length of the process makes it all the more daunting. I've already had my ultrasound, and it took everything in me not to ask the nurse to let me see my child. I know why they keep the screen turned away though. Had I seen the baby inside of me, I would have run out of the clinic sobbing. Just thinking that I'll never see my child. I almost want to kill myself.
I'm so upset that I'm shaking, leaning over a magazine, pretending to read it, when all I'm really doing is looking at my wristwatch every few seconds wondering how long it will be before I'm taken back into the operating suite. Tears line my eyes, but they don't spill over.
Occasionally, I cast a glance at the other women in the waiting area. None of them seem half as upset as I am. Some of their expressions are blank and numb. Some of them look worried and nervous. Several of them have their significant others or their family around to comfort them. I'm alone. It only deepens the pain I'm feeling inside. Alone. And even after this, I'll be alone. Evelyn doesn't want me around anymore. I won't be able to face Anders. I know that now. I should probably just move back home for a while and emotionally recover from everything. That would be for the best.
A nurse comes through the clinic door, and I hold my breath, wondering if it's my turn to go into the back room. She calls someone else though, and a heavy sigh of relief escapes me. I'm annoyed at myself for being glad that it's not my time yet. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can move on with my life.
“Tessa,” a male voice comes from my left side. By the time I turn to see who it is, Anders has practically reached me already. His pace is hurried. He slides into the seat next to mine, pulling my hand into his and giving me a concerned look. “They haven't done anything to you yet, have they?”
My mouth is agape, and for several seconds, I just stare at him. How did he . . . “Anders. What are you doing here?”
“Evelyn called and told me what was going on. I got here as soon as I could. Are you alright?” His eyes fall to my stomach for a fraction of a second before they meet my face again.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm angry at Evelyn yet subconsciously happy at the same time. It's another emotional mindfuck that I don't need. Another complication.“I just had my ultrasound. Now, I'm waiting for them to take me back.” I pull my hand out of his grasp and stare forward into the empty chair across from me.
“Let's talk about this,” his voice sounds relieved. But why?
“There's nothing to talk about,” I counter with iciness that he does not deserve.
“Please don't be like this. We need to discuss this. Preferably in private.” He seems more patient than ever. I can feel him staring at me. It makes me want to cry, though I don't know why. Maybe he's being accusing, like the picketers outside the clinic.
“If I leave now, I'll miss my appointment.” It's taking everything in me to keep the trembling at bay, to keep myself from falling apart completely.
“Then miss it. I don't want you to go through with this.”
It's exactly what I needed to hear him say, but it hurts so much, for some reason. I don't understand the meaning behind it, the meaning for us and this baby. Does he know what our future will be like if I don't do this and he doesn't stick around. Men are so selfish sometimes. They don't think of the nine months of misery. The hours of pain in labor. The eighteen plus years of work and stress involved in raising a child.
“I'm scared, Anders,” I whisper softly as the first tear rolls down my cheek.
“Don't be. I'm here. Let's go.” He leans in to kiss my shoulder, then he rises and offers me his hand. I take it and follow him to the front desk, standing there like a lifeless doll while he cancels my appointment.
In the parking lot, one of the two men who was standing there picketing earlier throws a snarl in our direction. “Whore,” he calls me. “You deserve all the pain you get.”
Anders' arm has been protectively around me this entire time, but I feel it leave me in an instant. Before I can even process what's happening, he's on top of the guy, snatching his sign away and ripping it in half. “Why don't you mind your own God damn business? Don't you have a job, or do you have nothing better to do than sit out here and tear people down? People like you are a stain on society.”
“People like me,” the guy scoffs, though he's cowering away. His friend with the other sign has already withdrawn several feet in anticipation of a fight. It's obvious that this guy is on his own. “I'm not a murderer.”
“No, but you're about to wish you were dead.” Anders grabs the guy by the front of his shirt and draws back his fist.
That's when my brain snaps to. “Anders!” I call to him. “No. Please. It's fine. Let's just go.”
He stops at the sound of my voice, but I can still feel the anger radiating from him. The guy winces as Anders threatens to hit him a second time before he lets go of his shirt and pushes him away. “Remember that this woman who you called a whore just saved you from a trip to the hospital.” He pivots on his heel and returns to me, gently guiding me to my car. “Meet me back at my loft.”
I nod sheepishly, casting a lasting glance at the frightened picketer before I climb into my vehicle. He's picking the torn pieces of his sign from the floor and muttering under his breath. I wonder if he's going to take what Anders said to heart. Probably not. People like that don't learn. They have their own agenda, the same as everyone else.
***
Anders and I are both quiet until we're seated in the living room of his loft with glasses of water in our hands. There's a strange tension in the air—and a melancholy sadness. Maybe I'm the only one who feels it.
After several silent moments, he finally speaks, “Why didn't you tell me?”
Just hearing the question makes me upset. There's no excuse that sounds logical, so I just go with the truth. “I wanted to tell you the other night. You were so happy to see me though. I got wrapped up in the moment. And then when everything was over, it just didn't seem like a good time.”
“You hadn't planned on jumping into bed with me. You had just come over to tell me.” He pieces everything together, sounding exhausted.
“Mhm.” I nod before taking a long sip of my water. Talking about this is making my mouth dry.
He runs his fingers through his short brown hair, a clear sign of stress. “I'm sorry, Tessa.”
Sorry for what? Getting me pregnant? Ruining my life? Being irresistible? Making me want to do things I'd never do with another man? There are too many answers. “I'm sorry too,” is all I can think of to respond.
“I wish you would have told me though. I don't like that you decided to make this decision without me,” his tone hardens a bit.
“I can't believe Evelyn called you.” I set my glass of water down and hold my face in my hands. What was she thinking? I know exactly what she was hoping for. She was hoping that something like this would happen, that Anders would come to my rescue. “Did Evelyn send you to find me?”
“No. She just gave me the name of the abortion clinic, and I came immediately. I wanted to stop you from doing something stupid. Do you want this baby?” He can't even look at me when he asks. It seems like such a strange question, considering that he found me at the abortion clinic. That should be enough of an answer for him.
“I don't want to end up like Angela.”
“What does she have to do with this?” He turns to me defensively.
I cower slightly, then reach for my water again. I drain my glass while carefully thinking of my answer. The last thing I want to do is piss him off, but I am beginning to wonder whether it was a good thing or not that he came for me. It's starting to seem like he was more concerned with playing the knight in shining armor than actually caring about this baby. “I just mean that I don't want to be a single mother.”
He sighs, “Is that really what this is about?”
“Mhm.” I nod curtly.
“You didn't even talk to me about this. How would you know if you were going to be a single mother or not unless you consulted the father first?” I can see him quirking an eyebrow at me from my peripheral vision.
My brain switches back into irrational mode. I know what I did was wrong. Now, I need to make excuses for it. “You don't want another kid.”
“You don't know that.” He rolls his eyes.
“You've never talked to me about wanting more kids before.”
“It's never come up in conversation.”
“That's because you've always been more interested in having sex than talking.” I can feel my body closing up, my limbs drawing inward for protection. I'm instigating a fight, and I know it.
He's obviously annoyed. “I've been open to anything you wanted to ask me. Just because you never asked doesn't make it my fault that we never discussed it.”
“Well, we're discussing it now. Do you want this kid?” I turn and look him directly in the eyes, fully expecting him to avoid my gaze, to show signs that I've put him in an awkward position. He doesn't turn from me though.
He looks me square in the face and says, “Yes. I want this baby, because it's our baby. Because I want you.”
My heart fills with warmth to the point that it's almost bursting. He wants this child. He wants to have a family with me. It's something beyond my imagining. I'm soothed by his words, but I'm still afraid of the future. Everything has been so wrong between us. Can we really turn things around and make this work?
“What happens now?” I raise my glass to my lips again before realizing that it's empty. He instantly picks up his own half-full glass of water and hands it to me. I smile weakly as I take it from him and finish it too.
“Well, first I need to know if you really want me, or if you just jumped into bed with me because your hormones are on the fritz?” It's a reasonable question. Lately, I haven't known if I'm coming or going. Being pregnant has made me an emotional wreck.
I take a moment to think about my answer. He's done a lot of shitty things to me in the past, but it has only been because he was afraid to lose me or worried about our relationship. Even though he's lied, it wasn't that bad. He hasn't cheated on me. When things were good in our relationship, he treated me like a princess. The sex is amazing. And I do love him.
Maybe he's not the man of my dreams, but he's gotten a lot better than when we first met. I've changed him for the better. Unfortunately, he's changed me for the worst though. Since I met him, I've started lying and being a bit irrational. It makes me worry that he's poisonous for me. But if he doesn't feel the need to lie or hide things from me anymore, then maybe I can go back to the way I was before. I liked that person better. She was always so sure of herself. Now, not so much.
“I do still want you.” It's an honest answer. “But I'm afraid of how things will be for us going forward because of everything we've been through.”
“Well, I'm going to give you a free pass for tying me to the bed.” He smirks. “We'll blame that on pregnancy hormones.”
He's right. I was already pregnant when that happened. Maybe there is hope for me yet. Perhaps I only went to those lengths because I wasn't my usual self. I'm not so sure, but I decide to roll with it, preferring to think that it wasn't entirely my fault.
“And I suppose I'll give you a free pass for having Ryan spy on me, but you have to swear that it will never happen again.” I set his empty glass on the table next to mine.
“Sounds good to me. No more lies. Not more secrets. No more getting mad at me and tying me to the bed,” he teases. “I wouldn't let you do that to me again anyway, just so you know.”
I shrink a little. “I feel so bad about that. You have no idea.”
“It's fine. The past is in the past. Let's start over.” He offers me his hand. “Hi. I'm Anderson Eddy. I own several fitness businesses and in no way do I prostitute myself for charity.”
I can't help but laugh. He's being so stupid. I take his hand and give it an exaggerated shake. “Nice to meet you, Anderson. I'm Tessa Murphy. I have a crappy job at the mall, and I swear that I don't tie men to bed posts and leave them there whenever they piss me off.”
“That sounds perfectly reasonable.” His smile is infectious, and for the first time all afternoon, I'm able to relax a little.