When the doctors shut off life support to a brain dead patient, the patient doesn't die immediately. There's a period where their vitals slowly drop. It usually only takes a few minutes, but in my mind, it was an eternity. And in that eternity, I think that every family member of a brain dead patient hopes for a miracle, that the person will breathe on their own, that they'll show some sign of brain function.
I held Roscoe's hand, praying for that miracle. Even after the slow beeping of the machines turned into a heart-wrenching flatline, I still prayed for it. I prayed for it even after they turned off the machines.
Then the reality of the situation sunk in. My brother is gone. Really gone. Gone like my parents are gone. The life that was there taken away long before its time. And once again, I'm alone.
I cried until I had nothing left. Cried until all I could do was sit there with my head resting against Roscoe's arm. My energy was drained. I cared about nothing. At that moment, I could have died too and been fine with it. Nothing mattered.
Thirty minutes ticked by before Cindy popped her head into the room to check on me. I told her to go home. I wasn't ready to leave my brother's side. Even when she informed me that Croix was in the waiting room, it wasn't enough to make me budge. It wasn't until a grief counselor came in an hour later to talk to me that I finally found the will to say my final goodbyes to Roscoe. By that time, he was already several shades paler, his hand so icy that there couldn't possibly be life left in it.
I walked away with a numbness that could only be associated with the death of my parents. A loss that is so painfully familiar to me that it seems almost like an old enemy—an enemy that can never be defeated.
I try to hold myself together as I curl my arms around myself and find Croix in the waiting room. The second he lays his eyes on me, he's by my side, pulling me into an embrace. I press my head against his chest and allow the tears to silently fall.
“Raven, I'm so sorry. I tried to get here as soon as I could.” He disengages from the hug, holding me by the shoulders to scan my face.
I can't even look at him, but it's not because I'm angry. I just don't want him to see the depth of my grief. “It's fine. There's nothing you could have done.”
“I could have been here for you. I hate that I wasn't.” He embraces me again, resting his forehead against mine.
“Cindy was here. That was enough.” Thank God for that. I don't think I could have handled this alone.
“We can stay for as long as you need to.”
“We don't need to stay.” I shake my head. “There's nothing else to be done here. I'm ready to go home.”
***
“Are you really going to be okay?” Croix strokes my hair in the darkness.
Ever since we crawled into bed together, we've been entwined in each other's arms.
“I have to be.” I furrow my brow, thinking about how this feeling is different than the one I experienced when my parents died. Back then, I didn't know if I was strong enough to weather losing both of them. Now, however, I know that life will go on. The grieving process will be long and painful, but life will go on.
“I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling...or a parent. You've lost so much in such a short time.” He nuzzles his face against mine.
I don't appreciate him reminding me of my misfortune, but it's not worth getting upset over. I can only imagine that he hasn't had a lot of experience with comforting someone under these circumstances. He's probably doing the best he can.
“It's not fun,” my response is clipped.
“I'll be here if you need me. For anything. Don't hesitate to ask.”
“I won't.” I smile softly.
“The amount of pain he was feeling from losing his wife and kids must have been overwhelming.”
That goes without saying. No one kills themselves unless their pain is unbearable and there seems like no better option.
“Loss is a horrible thing,” I whisper, thinking about my own suicidal bouts after my parents died.
“Don't ever leave me, Raven.” Croix pulls me closer. His words seem misplaced, but I know he's just trying to be sweet and romantic.
“Even if I did leave you, it wouldn't be anything like that. They were together for over a decade. Sheri was Roscoe's life. I imagine that after being with her for so long, he did feel like he didn't have anything left when she was gone.
“They'd broken up before. In fact, they've been off and on more times than I can count. But divorce is so final. And the fact that she moved to another state to get away from him probably told him that she was serious this time. It was really over. He couldn't handle it. I pray to God that I'm never that dependent on another human being for my happiness.”
“I think that's part of being in love,” he says thoughtfully.
“Some love is unhealthy. Theirs definitely was. Obviously. He killed himself over it.” I shift my weight in discomfort.
“Yeah. It sounds like theirs was. But we'll never be like that.”
No. We won't. Because I'd never let myself get that close to another human being.
Even though my relationship with Derrick was unhealthy, I know that I eventually would have jumped ship if he hadn't dumped me. There's a limit to the amount of abuse I'll take. There was no limit to the amount of abuse that Roscoe was willing to take from Sheri. Maybe he was even addicted to it. I don't know. Their relationship was always warped to me.
“How was the rest of the party?” I change the subject, not wanting to talk about my brother any longer.
“It was boring. After you left, I just wasn't into it. All I could think about was what you were going through. I wanted to get to you as quickly as I could.”
Despite him saying that, it seems like it took him forever to get away. To be honest, I don't buy that he wanted to come to the hospital with me. If he really did, he could have just left Raj in charge. While I'm not bitter about it, I am a little disappointed in him. At least, he didn't bring Kenzi along with him.
“You were there right when I needed you. That's all that matters.” I hope he can't see me frowning in the darkness.
“I'll always be there when you need me, Raven. Always.” He kisses my forehead.
I want to believe him, but with everything that's gone on, my mind is such a jumbled mess that I just can't. He abandoned me at The Billionaires Club in lieu of leading Kenzi around. He took his sweet ass time getting to the hospital. Those aren't the actions of a man who is always there when you need him.
***
“How are you holding up?” Cindy pours me a cup of coffee. Black.
She asked me if I wanted one the second I walked in the door this morning. Judging by the dark circles under her eyes, she slept about as much as I did. She was probably worrying about me all night. The thought is endearing. Maybe she cares for me even more than Croix does. He certainly didn't lose much sleep over what happened. The second we finished talking, he passed right out. I laid there in the darkness mulling over my brother's death and the impact it has on my life. My mind refused to shut up. I was lucky to catch an hour before I finally got frustrated and decided I'd have better luck sleeping in my own bed.
Thankfully, Croix didn't argue when I slipped out from under his arm. He simply nodded when I told him that I was leaving and went back to sleep while I dressed in the early morning darkness. I gave him a soft peck on the lips before I left, but I didn't feel much affection for him. I felt next to nothing.
I'm too exhausted to sort through what it all means right now. My brain isn't functioning at full capacity due to massive amounts of stress and lack of sleep. And my heart isn't functioning correctly due to all of the grief it's experiencing. It's best if I don't over analyze things with Croix for now.
“I'm holding.” I take a sip of the bitter liquid, more interested in the warmth than the taste.
“You came home early. Did something happen between you and Croix?” She sits across from me, holding her mug in both hands.
“No. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.” I shake my head.
“I know how that feels.” She gazes off into the distance as if recalling some memory before snapping back to. “If you need anything, I'm here for you. You know I don't do anything all day, so I can help you with whatever you need at the drop of a hat.”
“Thanks.” I force a smile, happy for her support.
She slides her hand across the table, placing it on top of mine. Her eyes instantly gloss over with tears. “I know you've lost a lot lately, but I want you to know that you'll always be family to me. I can't replace your parents, but know that I love you like a daughter.”
My bottom lip trembles from her heartfelt words. “Thanks, Cindy. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. Ever since I met you, I've felt less alone in the world. You didn't have to, but you've stepped in to help fill a void that's been missing in my life since my parents died. You'll never know how much I appreciate it. I love you too.”