I expected life to be all rainbows and butterflies after that. It should have been all rainbows and butterflies. I had done the right thing. I had cut ties with Lawrence.
But as with all things in my life, nothing went as smoothly as I hoped. As if Darren could smell Lawrence on me, he acted cold towards me that night.
“Are you alright?” I asked while we watched movies together in my living room.
“It was just a hard day is all.”
Usually, when we watched movies together, he cuddled with me, fed me popcorn, kissed me throughout the movie or just held my hand. Tonight, he was clear across the sofa from me, as if I had some kind of infectious disease.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered.
“Not particularly. Let's just watch the movie.”
“Fine,” I sighed, relaxing against the sofa. If we ever hoped to have a romantic relationship together, he was going to have to learn to be more open with me.
When the movie was over, he gave me a friendly hug and departed. There was no lingering embrace that led into a kiss that ended with me dragging him to the bedroom. I gave him his distance, hoping this mood of his would blow over. It didn't.
The next afternoon, it was the same thing. He seemed irritable and touchy, brushing me off though he still wanted to be around me. I felt friend-zoned all over again.
“What's up with Darren?” Alice asked when he left.
“I have no idea.”
“Have you asked?”
“Yesterday he said he had a bad day. Maybe it just carried over into today as well.”
When he treated me equally dismissive the following day, I did ask what was wrong. He told me it was nothing.
“How can it be nothing? You've been acting really strange.”
“Don't worry about it, okay.”
“I just want to know what's going on. You've been so cold lately.”
“I have my reasons.”
“Well, I'd like to know what they are.”
“You know what they are.”
“No. I don't. Really. Did I do something?”
He sighed, “Just forget about it. I'm going home.”
Had I known he wasn't going to come back, I wouldn't have let him leave. The next afternoon, he didn't drop by the apartment. It was strange being there without Darren. While I was making dinner, I waited for him. Even after I had made dinner, I still waited for him, sticking his portion of the meal in the oven to keep it warm. When it got late, I called him, worrying that something might have happened. He never answered.
The next day, it was the same thing. I sent him text messages, but there was no response. Finally, my fears got the better of me, and I headed over to his apartment.
To my surprise, he opened the door after the third knock, looking absolutely horrible. He was wearing gray pajama pants and a muscle shirt. His hair was a mess, and he had bags under his blood shot eyes.
“Are you alright?” I asked, concern filling my face.
“What are you doing here?” his voice was cold.
“You haven't been responding to my calls or texts. Are you sick?”
“A certain kind of sick.”
“Is it contagious?” I took a step back.
“No,” he gave me a sarcastic laugh.
“Then can I come in?”
“That's a good question,” there was a defensiveness in his tone that I didn't understand.
“Alright. Enough with the bullshit. What's up? You're acting like a dick.”
“I wonder what you would have done if I had followed you to college.”
“What? Where did that come from?” Now I was completely confused.
“Let me spell it out. I was trying to give you a taste of your own medicine.”
“A taste of my own medicine?”
“Yeah. Disappearing on me. I think it's only fair, after everything you've put me through.”
I was speechless for several seconds, trying to process what he was saying. Had he only gotten with me so that he could up and leave like I did to him so long ago? Had this whole thing been planned? It was hard to believe he could be so spiteful. That wasn't the Darren I knew. Then again, the Darren I used to know was a completely different person now.
“So, you don't want to see me anymore?” I asked, feeling my entire body tense. All the pieces of my heart I'd been putting back in place over the last few weeks with Darren were shaking on their foundation, slowly chipping away, about to crumble completely at his words.
“It's not that I don't want to see you anymore. I just don't want to be hurt anymore,” he sighed. “I get it, okay. You don't have to pretend like you care about me. Coming here was wrong of me. We can part ways, and you never have to see me again. I'll get over you again, somehow.”
I gave him a quizzical look. “What are you talking about?”
“I saw you, okay. With him.”
“With who?”
“Lawrence.”
“You saw me with Lawrence?” I thought for a moment, then it clicked. Darren must have been at the restaurant that one time or perhaps at the coffee shop.
“I know you're still seeing him. It's fine. No big deal. I'm going to make things easier on you by disappearing.”
“Darren, that's not what I want at all.” I shook my head. “Will you just let me in so we can talk?”
“There's nothing to talk about. I know what I saw.”
“There's plenty to talk about. It's not what you think. Just let me in so I can explain.”
He studied my face for a minute before moving away from the door to allow me inside. The apartment where he had been living for the past few months was barely furnished to begin with. Now, it looked even more empty, as if he'd already been packing. Did he really mean to just up and leave without telling me anything? That thought hurt. I could only imagine how it must have felt when I did something similar to him so many years ago.
“Talk,” he said.
I took a seat on his black leather sofa, keeping my eyes to the floor, afraid to meet his gaze.
“Yes, I did go out with Lawrence, but it was only because he came by my work and refused to leave until I agreed to have dinner with him. He begged me to come back to him, but I told him I needed time to think about it. So, I took a week to think about it, and then I met him at the coffee shop to give him my answer. That's why you saw us together. Where did you see us, by the way?”
“At the coffee shop. Authors have a notorious attraction to coffee,” his voice was none the lighter.
“Well, that's what happened. There's nothing going on between us.”
“So you told him you don't want to see him anymore?”
“Of course. Why would I want him when I have you?”
“Because you've never really wanted me.”
I sighed, “That's not true.”
“How can I believe you when you come and go from my life, when you cast me aside for that douche bag, and then I see you together with him again?”
“You just have to trust me.”
“Do you love me?”
I looked up at him. His expression was dead serious, and his arms were crossed over his chest. I wasn't sure what to say.
“You've been my friend forever, of course I care about you.”
“Do you want to be with me?”
“Yes.”
“Then prove it.”
“How?”
“Marry me.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was such a strange thing for him to say in the heat of an argument.
“Are you fucking serious?” I quirked an eyebrow at him.
“I'm serious. Marry me or I'm leaving.”
“What? You can't do that?”
“I can and I will.”
“Can't I have some time to think about it?”
“No. I've spent my whole life loving you, chasing you, protecting you, doing for you. I've endured more pain than you can imagine for loving you. I'm tired of this push and pull. You come and go. You give, and you take. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to have to worry that one day you're going to disappear on me again or change your mind. I'm done, Tara. I need to know this is real, or I need to get as far away from you as humanly possible.
“When you left Castroville, I thought I had put everything behind me. I fell off track for a while, but I got back up again. I tried to become a new person, a different person, a person you'd appreciate and respect. But while I was doing that, I realized you were never coming back. So then I tried to become a person that I could live with, a person who couldn't love, who couldn't get hurt because of love.
“When I saw you in the funeral home though, that all went out the window. There are so many things a person can change about themselves, but sometimes the heart isn't one of them. I wanted you again from the moment I saw you. And when you let me take you in the bedroom at your parents' house, I thought I might be able to have you, that everything was finally falling into place the way it should have always been.
“But then he showed up. He showed up, and I realized you had used me again. You lied. You told me you were happy I was there, but you weren't. I was just a complication to you, a moment of weakness that you just wanted to forget.
“You've killed me so many times, ripped my heart out of my chest and teased me, only to rip it out again. It belongs to you. It always has and it always will. The question is whether my body stays with it, or I leave it behind forever. I can't do this anymore. It's one or the other. Either you want me or you don't. Whatever your decision is, I can live with it. It's all or nothing though.”
“I do want you,” I said softly, shocked by his words. It was like ten years of pain hit me in the face at once. My eyes began to water from empathy. How could I have ever done that to him—to anyone, for that matter?
“Then marry me.”
“Why would you want to marry me after all that? You've always been perfect, and I've been horrible to you. I'm not marriage material at all. I deserve to be alone.”
“Shut up.” The words struck me like a slap. I looked up at him, confused. “You're not making this about you. Not this time.”
“I just don't understand is all.” I averted my eyes.
“You don't have to understand. And you don't have to feel like you deserve me. All you need to know is that I love you. My love for you is rooted so deep inside of me, there's probably nothing that would ever change it. I love you unconditionally, kind of like a dog,” his tone took a curious turn, and when I glanced up at him, I couldn't help but laugh through my tears.
“You're comparing yourself to a dog?”
“Yeah, actually. The more I think about it, I'm a lot like a dog. I'm sweet and loyal. I like to cuddle and give kisses. And damn do I love sex.”
I nearly choked on my own tears laughing, and my heart warmed up as I saw him smirk, though I knew the effort was halfhearted.
“And I want to have lots of puppies,” he added.
“Puppies? Well, that might be a deal breaker right there unless you literally mean the fuzzy kind.”
He sat beside me, the mood lightening. “No. I want kids, lots of them.”
“I had never planned on having more than one.”
“Come on, Tara. We were both only children. Don't you want to know what having a big family is like?”
“Not particularly.”
“Bah. Well, it's a detail we can work out later. So, will you marry me? I know this isn't the romantic proposal you were probably hoping for, but it was kind of unexpected, otherwise I would have gotten you a rock so big you wouldn't have been able to lift it.”
“Bribing me now?” I grinned at him.
“Something like that. Is it working?” He looked at me.
“You had me at unconditional love, before the dog part.”
“So, is that a yes?”
“Yes, I'll marry you.”
Despite looking like a zombie, all of Darren's energy seemed to return with my words. He picked me up and spun me around, whopping the whole time like a maniac. I couldn't help but laugh. While I was still a bit apprehensive thanks to everything that had gone on with Lawrence, this just felt different somehow. It felt right.
We spent the night together, baring our souls to each other and our bodies. Darren confessed that he looked like shit because he'd been a complete mess ever since he decided not to see me again. I couldn't help but be amused. He was so pathetically in love with me. It was amazing I hadn't seen it before.
The sex that night was different than usual, slower and more purposeful. It felt like every touch and kiss and caress and thrust was savoring, like we were making love on a deeper emotional level.
In his haste to make me his wife, Darren made me cancel all of my hair styling appointments, and we flew to Vegas the next day to get married in one of those silly little wedding chapels on the strip. It was so corny, but I didn't care. For once in my life, all I wanted was to make Darren happy. He deserved to be happy. Besides, he promised we could have a big ceremony for our family and friends later.
After the wedding, we got a ridiculously huge suite and celebrated Vegas style with gambling and shows. It felt so surreal, but still so right. Somehow, I knew I had made the right decision. This was the way it always should have been.