CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
By the time Derrick finally leaves, I can barely keep my eyes open. Our goodbye is awkward—the way he looks wantonly at me and hugs me a bit too long. I feel great affection from him, but I can't convince myself that it's anything other than the alcohol talking. He's probably just horny and lonely, and that's what spurred his advance. Maybe the next time I see him, he'll be embarrassed about what he did and try to explain it away. And I'll forgive him. We all have our strange drunken moments where we say things we don't mean and do things we shouldn't. Alcohol is one hell of a drug.
Once the door is shut behind him, I take our glasses and the leftover snacks to the kitchen. The glasses go in the sink, and I spend the next several minutes bagging up what's left of the goodie tray. Even though we gorged ourselves, there's still a lot. I'll pig out on it again tomorrow and then bring the rest to work as snacks throughout the week.
When I finish cleaning up the kitchen, I go take a shower and slip into bed. My mind is wired awake though, and I don't sleep. After two hours of just lying there staring up at the ceiling, I decide to get up, drink a bunch of water, and wait for Janice to come home from work.
She walks through the door at nearly four o'clock in the morning. At that point, I'm struggling to stay awake, but I'm stubborn, and I really want to tell her what happened with Derrick.
"What are you doing still up?" she asks as she notices the glow from the television.
I put my hand on the back of the sofa and turn around to look at her. "You're never going to believe what happened."
"Blue Eyes came over and pounded you in every room in the apartment." She sets her purse on the bar. The disinterest in her voice is almost palpable. I can tell she's not in the mood to launch into a lengthy conversation. That makes sense though, considering the long day she has had.
"No. It has nothing to do with Lucian." I shake my head.
Her shoulders slump as she turns to me. "Please don't make me guess, Amy. I have a splitting headache." She draws her hand up to her temple.
"You're totally not going to believe it." I watch her walk around the side of the sofa to sit next to me.
She drops down heavily, looking exhausted. "Out with it."
"Derrick kissed me." My energy renews as I tell her the spicy tidbit.
She knits her brow in confusion. "Queer Eye Derrick?"
"Don't call him that." I smack her side.
"Oh God, have you been drinking?" She stands up and moves several feet away as if the smell of my breath might make her wretch.
"Mhm." I nod with a grin.
We're like polar opposites from last night. Now she's sober, and I'm the drunk one. At least, she's not going to have to hold back my hair while I throw up into the toilet in my underwear.
"You do realize that Derrick is gay, right?" She puts a hand on her hip.
"I thought he was, but he says I'm an exception to the rule." I sink back against the sofa, thinking about all the sweet things Derrick said to me.
"Was he drinking?"
"Yeah. We both were."
"Then I wouldn't think anything of it." She gestures at me absentmindedly.
I sulk a bit though I don't know why. I really shouldn't want Derrick to have romantic feelings for me. "Maybe you're right. I mean, I thought it was just the alcohol at first too, but then he started saying all of these things to me."
"How much did you guys drink?" She shifts her weight.
"Two bottles of wine."
"And he's a lightweight." Janice cocks her head to the side. "Definitely, don't think anything of it. He always gets super affectionate when he's drunk."
"It wasn't like that though," I say weakly. I've been around Derrick when he was drunk enough times to know that this is something entirely different.
"I'm going to bed." She yawns dramatically. "You should too."
"What should I say to Derrick when I see him next?" I ask as she starts walking away.
She pauses, looking back at me over her shoulder. "I'd just pretend it never happened. He probably won't remember. And if he does, it will be less embarrassing and awkward for the both of you if you don't say anything."
***
The fact that Derrick doesn't even text me the next day is a pretty good sign that his love confession was a drunken fluke. Still, I can't help but dwell on it. This is the first time in my entire life that two guys have liked me at the same time, even if it was only temporary. It's exciting, even if one of them is gay...and the other is a hoebag. Putting it that way, maybe it isn't so exciting after all.
I decide to spend the day shopping since I don't have a hangover, and I know that the stores are all going to be having sales today. They always do on Labor Day. By the time I'm done, I walk away with two new outfits and a cute pair of pink pumps. All the shopping in the world can't make me feel better though.
It seems like life this past week has been nothing but a stressfest. Part of me is still pining over Lucian, but I know I'm chasing a phantom. He's not interested in me in the way I want him, and he never will be. The other part of me is worried about what happens if Derrick remembers the things that he said. Even worse, if he meant them.
It feels odd that I've spent all this time thinking about how perfect Derrick would be if he was straight, but now that I'm presented with a potential opportunity to be with him, I'm so uncertain. Flaws I've never seen in him before began creeping up almost the second that he confessed his feelings. He's more like a brother to me than boyfriend material—friend zoned, and I didn't even realize it. The thought that I have to face both of them tomorrow makes me sick to my stomach.
Time won't stop just for me though. I spend my afternoon in contemplation and my night in restless sleep. Night turns to day, and I have to get up and face my demons head on—both of them.
When I walk into the office in the morning, I try to act casual. I barely glance over at Derrick before I sit down at my desk and turn my computer on. As soon as I log in to my email, I see a message from Lucian asking me to come over tonight. Inwardly, I sigh. It's always so hard to face him, even when I have good resolve to stay away. There's little doubt in my mind that he'll advance on me again. I should probably spend the day mentally preparing myself for it.
Derrick must be super embarrassed about what happened over the weekend because he doesn't even speak to me until lunch. I get the feeling that if we didn't regularly eat together, he might have avoided me for the entire day. The thought kind of hurts, but at the same time, I understand. His confession was pretty brazen. And that kiss...
"Hey, sugar lips." His eyes fall to my lips as he greets me, but there's a strange emptiness behind them.
"Hey, studly," I tease, then realize that probably wasn't the best thing to say. I don't want to make him feel any more awkward than I'm sure he already does. "Are we going out to eat today or staying in?"
"I brought my lunch." He holds up a brown paper bag. "Want to eat in my car?"
It's a strange request. We usually either eat in the small lunch room provided at Environ Design or at one of our desks.
"Why don't we just eat here?" I move some papers off of my desk so that we'll have room.
"I'd kind of like to talk to you." His eyes shift towards Tyra's office.
"Alright," I hesitate, figuring that he remembers what he did and wants to apologize for it. There's no need for that though. Carefully, I reach out to take his hand, smiling at him softly. "We don't need to talk about things, Derrick. It's alright. I understand."
"No, you don't." He shakes his head and pulls his hand away from me to rake it through his hair. Stress is apparent on his face, and it's starting to make my worry.
"We can go out to your car then." I nod before gathering my lunch and bottled water and following him out the door.
The inside of his car is cozy, and it smells like his cologne. I sink into the seat and immediately begin unwrapping the sandwich I brought for lunch. In the small space, there doesn't seem to be much air, but I know that's only the tension between us starting to get to me.
"I think we should talk." Derrick stares straight forward. His voice is all seriousness.
"Okay. Talk."
He turns to me, commanding my attention. What he says next is entirely unexpected, and it takes my breath away. "I love you, Amy Underwood. I'm in love with you. I think I've loved you for a very long time."
My cheeks immediately flush bright pink, and my appetite fades away from the conviction in his words. I don't know how to respond.
His gaze falls to the space between us, and he chews his bottom lip for a moment. "Are you going to see Reddick today?"
"Mhm," I squeak.
"I want to come with you."
"You can't." I shake my head. The thought of him demanding to come with me sends my heart into a fluttered panic, and I don't know why. "As long as Lucian is still under contract, I want to try to keep things cool with him."
"I don't want you to be alone with him again." Derrick looks back up at me, his tone firm.
I sigh, trying to find some way to explain myself without offending him. "This is bigger than both of us, Derrick. Keeping Lucian Reddick as a client is important for the entire company. We could really make a lot of money if he stays on until the end."
"I don't care." His shoulders slump a bit. "I don't care about Lucian Reddick. I don't care about the money. All I care about is you. I don't want you to have to suffer through what he puts you through, and I damn sure don't want him advancing on you again. Just the thought of it makes me..." He turns his face away from me.
"Angry?" I duck down a bit, trying to catch his gaze.
"Jealous," he corrects me. "I know you're attracted to him, and I can't blame you for that. But he's hurt you. He's hurting you. I want that to stop. I want to make it better."
My chest floods with warmth from his words. He wants to protect me, but the choice is out of his hands.
I press my back against the car seat, thinking. My mind is a mess of confusion as I try to process my feelings and also consider what would be the best thing to do. He's right about Lucian hurting me over and over again. There's no relationship potential there, just sex. Lucian already thinks he has me hooked in, that he can use me as a sex vending machine. Whether I get into a relationship with Derrick or not, that needs to stop.
"I want to do this for us," I tell him. "There has to be a way to keep Lucian as a client without giving in to him."
"There's not." Derrick shakes his head. "It's gone way past that point. When you went out with him this past weekend, it was proof that he has you right where he wants you. Guys like him don't take no for an answer, not without pitching a fit."
He's got that right. It didn't take long for me to realize that the word no isn't in Lucian Reddick's vocabulary. He's a master of seduction and getting what he wants. It's almost infuriating how many times I've fallen for it.
"You have to let me try. That's all I ask."
"And what if you fail?" his voice is laced with desperation. I can clearly hear that he doesn't want me sleeping with Lucian again—for any reason.
"Then I'll end the contract with him myself." I feel a tightness in my chest. The thought of never seeing Lucian again hurts me somehow. It's probably just because he's so beautiful though, the type of man I'll never have a chance of being with again.
My heart knows that letting him go is the right thing to do. I just need to convince my body of that.