CHAPTER THREE
Why I put the pen in my backpack, I don't know. Perhaps it was a subconscious thing when I was piling all of my crap in my backpack the next morning, but somehow, it made it in there. Who could have known that one mistake was about to change everything?
I seemed to be running late all day long. A night of restless sleep was causing me to drag ass. Not getting enough sleep always put me in a crabby mood, so I spent a good majority of the day with a scowl on my face. Even seeing Damien Reed's rocking body wasn't enough to turn my frown upside down.
I slid into my seat, annoyed at the way it scratched lightly across the floor in response to my weight, annoyed with the way the guy sitting next to me was staring at my boobs, annoyed with the fact that there was a quiz today that I hadn't really studied for, annoyed with everything. Damien had just had everyone turn in their art projects and was making the rounds to pass out the quiz. It was a rarity he did that himself. Usually, when he had anything to pass out, he handed it to someone in the front row to do it for him. At least that would be one ray of sunshine in my otherwise dismal day. I'd get to be physically closer to the object of my recent obsession, if only for half a second.
The universe seemed to want to deny me even that pleasure though. My phone rang inside the front pocket of my backpack, and I screamed internally as I picked it up, unzipped the pocket, and dumped the contents onto my desk in an overly dramatic gesture, not feeling like having to dig for the damn thing among all of my other crap.
Damien Reed was at my desk by that point. He gave me a queer look that quickly sulked into disappointment at the fact I hadn't turned my phone to vibrate. Then his eyes landed on something on my desk, and I followed them to the pen. Without even bothering to ask if it was his, he picked it up and shoved it in his jean pocket. If I hadn't been scrambling to shut my phone off, I would have died of embarrassment. Did he really know the pen that well?
Part of me wanted to die. Damien now knew I had stolen his pen. There was no other way it would have randomly ended up in my backpack. Sure, I could probably come up with some excuse, but would he really buy it. Probably not. The pen never left his desk.
Once I had regained my composure, I pulled out one of my own pens to begin working on the quiz. My concentration was at an all-time low, worrying more about what Damien would do about me stealing his pen than answering the questions on the quiz. He didn't seem to hold a grudge about it though, keeping his focus down on his own paperwork. I sighed in relief. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal after all. If he asked, I could tell him I found it on the floor and didn't know it was his. Who really paid attention to a teacher's writing instrument anyway besides pervy girls who turned them into fantasy sex toys?
Feeling like everything would be okay, I mustered up all of my concentration and blazed through the quiz. Despite the stress that I had been under all week, I felt like I had done pretty well on it. With a satisfied grin, I looked up, preparing to stand and turn my quiz in. That's when our eyes locked, and I thought my cheeks might explode as all the blood from my body rushed to my face.
Damien Reed had the pen under his nose, inhaling my scent, and he was giving me a very knowing gaze. My eyes shot back down to my paper, my body growing heavy, as if my heart was hammering me right into the floor. There was no way he couldn't smell me on the pen. I had been so exhausted that I just wiped it off with a sock before I stuck it on my bedside table and rolled over for sleep.
A few of my classmates passed by my desk to turn their quiz in before I finally mustered up the courage to stand and turn mine in. All the while, I kept my eyes to the floor, refusing to meet Damien's gaze. Whether he was still looking at me or not, I couldn't tell, but I didn't want to know.
Thankfully, class was almost over. Pretending I had to go to the restroom, I gathered my things and headed for the door. Damien would be mad at me for leaving early. He had mentioned on the first day of school that he didn't want us to go to the bathroom right before class was over. I could not have cared less at that moment though. All that mattered was getting away from him—getting away from those eyes.
I spent the rest of the day over-analyzing everything that had happened. With any luck, he'd forget about the pen over the weekend, and things could return to normal.
It turned out that the phone call had been from my aunt letting me know that my mother was being released from the hospital. That was a blessing, at least. No more spending my afternoons at the hospital and then rushing home to cram and do homework afterward.
I sighed in relief as I drove back to my father's house, feeling the overzealous joy that Fridays usually bring. It's funny how much I took them for granted during my break between high school and college. Now, they were all I felt like I had to look forward to.
After going home and changing, I headed back out to meet up with Tanya at a local restaurant. We spent the afternoon talking about how much more intense college was than high school, what classes we were taking, what professors we liked and didn't like, and about all the boys that Tanya wanted to bone. Her list was a mile long. Mine only had one person on it, and he was hardly a boy.
Just thinking of Damien Reed made my cheeks grow warm, and the thought of his intense gaze while he held that stupid pen under his nose made me absolutely hate myself. Why did I have to steal it in the first place? And how could he possibly have known it was his just by looking at it?
“You okay, Chey?” Tanya asked, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Oh. Um, yeah, I'm fine.” I must have been dipping a fry in my ketchup for waaay too long.
“You look out of it.”
“I was just thinking of something that happened today.”
“Ohhh, something juicy? What was it?”
“Not juicy. Embarrassing.” I avoided her gaze, not really wanting to talk about it. We shared everything, but this was a bit too personal.
“Well, now you have to tell me,” Tanya insisted, her almond eyes growing wide with excitement.
“Maybe some other time. I'm not feeling too good,” I lied. “I think I'm going to have this boxed up and head home.”
Her expression quickly changed from curious to concerned. “Alright. Do you need me to get you a barf bag or something?”
“No. I'll be fine. I just . . . need to lie down.” And think of Damien Reed's pen some more. Of how I violated myself with it and he smelled me on it afterward.
Thankfully, Tanya didn't ask anymore questions. Her maternal instincts kicked in and she babied me all the way to my car, insisting that she carry my purse and even asking if I wanted her to drive me home. I wasn't that sick—didn't look that sick. Hell, I wasn't even acting that sick, but I was grateful for her caring nature, none the less.
Once I got home, I buckled down on my studies. It was strange having a house all to myself. I was so used to my mother being around when I got off school. Her job let out at four o'clock, so oftentimes, I only had about thirty minutes to myself every day before she got home. With my father gone on the road, the big house seemed almost too empty.
A good portion of my weekend was spent working on my make-up art project. Since I had more time to finish it than the other students, I decided to go ahead and give it a background. I even created an additional character who was supposed to represent Tanya. The finished product was a manga version of the two of us standing together, winking and throwing the peace sign in the college cafeteria, best friends forever. Hopefully, Damien would like it, though I couldn't blame him for failing me after I had stolen his pen. I still wasn't sure how I was going to face him, but it was unavoidable.
On Monday, I waited until the last possible second to show up to Art Appreciation class. Some bitch had been bold enough to steal my seat, but I knew I should count it as a blessing. The further away I sat from Damien Reed, the better. Maybe if he couldn't see me as well, he wouldn't remember the pen incident. It was a stupid thing to hope for, but sometimes I could be a stupidly hopeful girl.
Class started as usual, with Damien sitting in his chair doing a silent roll call. I kept my eyes on my desk, determined to avoid his gaze, though I could swear that I felt him looking at me, if that was even possible. His lecture began, and I signed in relief. Somehow, I had gotten off scot-free. At least, I thought I had until the end of class when he came up to me and told me he wanted to see me after school. That left a bitter taste in my mouth and a sick churning in my stomach for the rest of the day. Hopefully, he just wanted to talk to me about my grades, though I wasn't naïve enough to believe that. This had to be about that stupid pen. I cursed myself for stealing it, but I couldn't change what I had done. I would have to face the consequences head on, whatever they may be.
The rest of my day was pretty much miserable, thanks to thoughts of impending doom. What was the punishment for stealing a college professor's pen anyway? Maybe he'd kick me out of his class, or worse, try to have me expelled. I went over my apologetic groveling speech in my head until it was committed to memory. I would do whatever it took to get back on his good graces—anything it took.
For the first time ever, I dreaded the ending of the school day. Every minute that ticked down, I wish I could rewind so that I wouldn't have to face Damien Reed. Time didn't stop for me though, and all I could do was pray that he was a compassionate man. His face always looked so hard and serious, yet he had given me extra time to finish my art project. He couldn't possibly be that bad.
When my last class was over, I wanted to take my time returning to Damien's classroom, but I knew better. I already pissed him off by taking his pen. Being late could only make things worse.
When I reached the Art Appreciation classroom, Damien wasn't inside. Taking a queue from the last time I had walked into his unlocked empty classroom, I went straight for his office, knocking gently on the door.
“Come in,” said a stern voice.
Now it was time to put on my Oh God, I'm So Sorry, Don't Expel Me pout. Being cute had its benefits. Hopefully, I could use my feminine wiles to lessen my punishment.
Damien was sitting at his desk, staring up at me with those cold dark eyes. His hands were steepled atop a short stack of papers, that blasted pen sitting parallel in front of them.
“Close the door and have a seat,” he told me without so much as moving a muscle.
I swallowed hard, doing as I was told. Being in the same room alone with him, surrounded by his presence, wiped my mind completely clean of the speech I had so meticulously practiced. Now I was all nerves and fear, afraid to look directly at him, but afraid not to too.
When I was settled, he picked the pen up, holding it between his index fingers so that I could see it from end to end. Shit. I knew this was going to be about the damned pen.
“Do you know what this is, Miss Grear?” he asked, his voice calm yet serious.
It sounded like a trick question, and I wasn't sure what he was getting at. “It's a pen, sir?”
“This is not just an ordinary pen.” He looked over the pen at me, piercing my soul with his dark gaze. “This is a Montblanc Meisterstuck LeGrand Ballpoint Pen. It has a gold-plated clip and gold-plated rings. If you'll notice, the Montblanc emblem is on the pen in several different places. Each one of these pens has an individual serial number. Do you have any idea how much this pen is worth?”
The knot if my stomach doubled in size. “I have no idea, sir.”
He returned his attention to the pen. “This particular pen is worth a little over four hundred dollars. It was given to me by my father as a graduation present. He always used to tell me that a good teacher should have a good writing instrument.”
I didn't know what to say to that. A few things came to mind, but they were all pretty stupid.
“Stealing is illegal,” he continued, getting to the real reason why I was there. “Did you know that?”
“Yes, sir.” I dropped my eyes to my lap shamefully.
“You didn't just steal this pen though. You did something else to it, didn't you?”
When I looked back up, he was holding the pen under his nose. My cheeks instantly turned into two burning balls of redness. I had been caught, and even if my mouth denied the perversions I had done to his precious graduation gift, my face gave me away completely. I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
“How should I punish you?” He went on, pulling the pen away from his face and rolling it between his index fingers.
“I . . . I'm sorry. Please don't have me expelled,” I begged.
His eyes shot up to mine, as if to tell me to be quiet. “Come here.”
Reluctantly, I stood, taking a few steps around his desk, stopping at the side of it.
He placed the pen down on his desk and rolled his chair to face me. “Closer.”
I took the last few steps around Damien's desk until I was standing in front of him. What he was planning to do, I had no idea. All I knew was that each second was absolutely torturous, waiting for my punishment.
He stood then, taking a step forward until he was dangerously close. I could smell the heavy scent of his cologne, masculine and tantalizing to my senses, intoxicating me. My fear was melting into something else, and I silently chastised myself for allowing my mind to slip into the gutter. He was so close though. Closer than we had ever been before. Closer than any man I had ever lusted after had been to me before. All I would have to do was take another short step forward to close the gap between us, to feel the hard muscle of his chest pressed against me.
By the time I felt his fingertips brush my cheek, my breath was already becoming ragged. My eyes were hooded with lust, and though I was afraid, I dared to look up. The intense gaze that he gave me sent shivers all the way down to my moistening core.
“Should I give you what you really want?” he asked, and before I had a chance to respond, his lips were touching mine, caressing them in a sensual kiss.
I melted into his arms. If this was to be my punishment, then I would pocket that four hundred dollar pen every day of the week. Our mouths moved together in blissful harmony with every affectionate touch reciprocated. Despite his hardened exterior, Damien's kisses were incredibly gentle, just as I had hoped they would be. They ignited my body, setting off sparks in all of my sensitive areas.
Soon, he was pressing me back towards his desk, breaking away from the kiss only long enough to lift me up and place me on top of it. It took everything in me not to grin like an idiot. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I was making out with my ridiculously sexy professor in his office on school grounds. It was the stuff pornos were made of.
Damien stepped between my legs, pressing his palms against my thighs to hike up my pencil skirt. A tremor of fear raced through me as my body allowed my mind to break away from the fantasy long enough to realize what was actually happening. This was no innocent high school make out session. He fully intended to have sex with me, right on his desk in his office, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it.
Ever since the first day of school, I had been busy lusting over Damien Reed, but I never really thought about what would happen if I actually got him. It had always been a fantasy to me, innocent, and without consequences. Now, here we were. I was leaning back on his desk as he kissed my breasts over the top of my blouse and hooked his fingers into the waistband of my panties. My brain was flashing all sorts of red warning lights, but my body was sending out the opposite signals. I wiggled my hips, allowing him to slip the panties over my bottom and pull them to the floor. The cool air kissed my warm parts, sending a fluttering of sensation through my clit. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. It was like I was a slave to my own desire, to my want for him.
I laid back, breathless on his desk, watching as he straightened himself. The bulge in his pants was impressive, but the cock that flopped out whenever he unzipped them was even more so. It was absolutely gorgeous, smooth and thick and straight. Some men had curves in their cocks, or girth differences from the base to the tip. Not Damien Reed. God must have been having a really good day when he made this man. There wasn't a centimeter of him that didn't scream pure perfection. At least, every centimeter of him that I had seen.
The crinkling of a condom wrapper sounded almost deafening in the quiet of the office. My breathing provided the only other noise. Damien was cool and calm, barely breaking a sweat as he slid the condom over his meaty length.
I watched him, frozen in fear and lust. In a matter of minutes, this man who I barely knew would be taking my virginity. Was that what I really wanted? I craved his body beyond belief, but we had nothing together. Up until now, I had always been his student, just another sheep in his flock. Had he done this with other girls before? Probably. The thought was unsettling, ruining my mood.
By that time, Damien was on me again. He leaned in for a gentle kiss, melting the worries in my mind away. My cunt pulsed with desire. My legs almost involuntarily spread wider for him. All the while, my mind screamed no.
Damien grabbed the base of his erect member, guiding it toward my warm tunnel. I felt the head press against my pussy, the glans painfully trying to nudge its way inside. The only thing I had put inside of myself up to that point had been tampons and that pen, neither of which were anywhere near as big as a cock.
At the first shudder of searing pain, my breath hitched, and words tumbled from my open mouth. “I'm a virgin.”
Damien's body tensed. For a moment, he just stood there, staring down at our parts.
If Damien Reed had been any other man, the excitement of deflowering a young girl would have spurred him forward. He might have grinned, or asked if I was alright. He might have even thrust forward, bathing in the euphoria of my tight passageway squeezing his wanton manhood. But Damien Reed wasn't any other man.
Almost as quickly as it all began, he was stepping away from me. I watched in stunned silence as he unrolled the condom from his length and tossed it into the garbage bin in the corner of the room. Within seconds, his magnificent erection disappeared back into his jeans, and a thousand negative emotions raced through me at once. I knew what it all meant.
Reluctantly, I scooted off the edge of his desk and bent to pick up my panties, pulling them on and trying to hold back my tears at the same time. I had ruined it. For him. For me. For us. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
For as much as my brain had been screaming at me to stop prior to our potential coupling, it was now chastising me, telling me what an idiot I had been for saying anything at all. Damien Reed was the perfect man, and I had screwed up my chance to have him. Maybe he'd never be my boyfriend, but he was certainly worthy of my virginity. Wasn't he? I wasn't sure anymore. All I knew was that I was miserable.
Not knowing what else to do, I slowly made my way for the door. Everything in me wanted to break out in a run, to move as fast as my legs would carry me to my car, to get inside and drive to my mother's house and cry on her shoulder. I was an adult though, and I couldn't act like a child. I had to handle this with some type of poise, or Damien Reed would only dislike me more. Still, I couldn't let it end as it had. I needed to know why he stopped, why he had rejected me.
He was sitting at his desk, staring down at the pen when I made it to the door. With my hand already on the handle, I turned back and said, “Say something.”
He didn't even bother looking up at me. “This never happened. You're dismissed.”
Before I knew it, I was on the other side of the door, and tears were streaming down my face. How could he possibly be so cold? I had been delicate and vulnerable, and all he had done was reject and dismiss me. No, that wasn't a man I wanted to give myself to. It was the right thing that we didn't have sex. But why did it feel so wrong.
Despite my decision not to run back to my car, I found myself walking far faster than necessary, nearly tripping over my own shoes. Tears cascaded down my cheeks, and I sniffled from time to time, drawing attention from people still in the hallway. One woman asked if I was alright, but I just kept walking, pretending to ignore her.
In my car, I broke out into debilitating sobs. I couldn't even remember the last time I cried so hard, shaking until I worried I might have to call Tanya to drive me home. She couldn't know about this though. No one could know about this. If anyone ever found out, Damien could get in big trouble. Maybe he should get in trouble for it though, I thought bitterly. He had seduced a student, after all. Hadn't he? Hadn't he seduced me?
When the tremors subsided and my eyes were clear enough to see, I put my car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot. Even while I drove home, the occasional sob would roll through me. I couldn't figure out what hurt more, being rejected, knowing I had ruined my only chance with Damien, or knowing that I'd have to face him for the rest of the semester. Maybe I would switch to a different elective. I didn't give much of a crap about art anyway. The only reason I took Art Appreciation was because I thought it would be easier than any of my other elective options.
Although all I wanted to do was lay in bed and throw a pity party, I still had a lot of homework to get done, so I tried to push the events of the evening to the back of my mind while I got to work. Whenever a painful memory would slip through, I would feel my eyes begin to water. It was absolutely miserable, but there was nothing to be done about it but wait until the memories faded. They would, over time, I knew, but it was going to take a while, and seeing Damien Reed's face almost every day wasn't going to help.
I had half a mind not to go to Art Appreciation the next day, but my attendance was already off to a bad start, and I didn't want to get any further behind. With a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, I stepped into class, same as always, and found my way to the back of the room, prepared for an hour of complete and total discontent. Every time Damien Reed would look at me, I would avoid his gaze. Of course, he played like nothing had happened, conducting class with the same confidence as always. I, on the other hand, could think of nothing other than our steamy encounter in his office. The memory sent warm yearnings to my pussy, but cold stabbings to my heart.
The minutes ticked by painfully slow, as if even the clock thought it was fun to torture me. Lecture was long and boring, and I couldn't be bothered to concentrate, so I doodled on a piece of paper for most of the class. Thankfully, Damien didn't call on m. I was already pissed enough at him as it was, though I still wasn't sure why. It was easier to blame everything on him, even though none of this would have happened if I hadn't of stolen his pen.
Finally, class was over. I dragged myself out of my desk and headed toward the door. Damien intercepted my leaving though, gently grabbing me by the shoulder and pulling me off to the side of the room.
“I want to see you after class again,” he told me, his eyes betraying no emotion.
“What did I do this time?” I asked.
“I want to talk to you about your grades.”
You've got to be kidding me. He rejects me, and now he's going to badger me about my grades. Perhaps a small part of me had hoped that he would want to discuss the previous day. That was wishful thinking. His only motive was to rub salt in my wounds—to make me feel worse than I already did.
“Fine,” I said, hoping it didn't sound bitchy as I turned from him to head out the door. I would definitely need to drop Art Appreciation. There was no point in taking the class if things were going to continue to spiral downward.
Surprisingly, I was able to put Damien Reed out of my mind for the rest of the day. My emotions were completely numb towards the situation, my brain going into repair mode. Whatever happened next, it didn't matter. I couldn't emotionally handle being around him every day. I knew that now. No matter which direction this discussion went in, I would likely be dropping the class by the end of the week.
When my last class was over, I headed back to Art Appreciation with purposeful steps. He can't hurt you again, was the mantra I repeated inside my head. While I wasn't sure if it was true, I forced myself to believe it, putting up my emotional defenses so that I didn't randomly start crying in the middle of our discussion.
When I stepped into Damien Reed's office, I held my head high, displaying as much fake confidence as I could muster. I closed the door and took a seat before he even had a chance to tell me to, which I'm certain he would have.
“You wanted to speak to me about my grades?” I said, preparing myself for the worst.
“No.” He shook his head. “That was just a front to get you here so we could talk.”
“Talk about what?” I crossed one leg over the other, smoothing down the front of my skirt.
He hesitated, as if he wasn't sure how to begin. “I offer a special after school class on sex education.”
“Mister Reed,” I said, purposely trying to get under his skin. “I have a full load of coursework as it is. I don't have time to take on another class, especially one as unnecessary as sex ed.”
“It's . . . not that kind of class.” His brown eyes darkened, and there was a flash of uncertainty behind them.
Now my interest was piqued. Was this redemption? Was he actually offering me more than meets the eye? Despite how angry I was with him, there was an unmistakable stirring in my loins at the thought. I squeezed my thighs together, trying to suppress it. My professional mannerisms were fading, and I had to fight to keep the act up and seem disinterested.
“Well, what kind of class is it then?”
“It's not the type of class I typically offer to my college students. It's a very intimate class, delving into sexual nature and fantasy.”
The way he said it made all the sensitive areas in my body light up like Christmas lights. Just the mention of the word 'fantasy' caused my nipples to begin to perk. I sure had plenty of fantasies about Damien Reed, and this sounded like a good way to explore them further.
“If you don't offer it to your college students, then why are you offering it to me?”
“You seem like a very sensual woman. I thought you might be able to benefit from it.”
My heart fluttered in my chest. He sees me as a . . . sensual woman. It took everything in me to suppress a lecherous grin.
Damien pulled a folded up piece of paper from his desk drawer and handed it to me. “We would meet in the afternoons on Saturday and Sunday for about an hour. All the sessions are one-on-one, so you don't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable. You don't need to give me your decision now. If you're interested, turn that paper in to me before the end of the week, and I'll call you to give you my address, so we can start your lessons this upcoming weekend. If you're not interested, you can simply throw that questionnaire away and pretend I never said anything.
“Please don't open that paper until you get home. There's nothing incriminating on it, but I would prefer you handle it with discretion.”
“How much would the class cost?” I asked.
“I'll take you on pro bono.” He smiled.
The paper burned a hole in my backpack all the way home. I desperately wanted to open it as soon as I got in my car, but decided to respect Damien's wishes. By the time I pulled into my father's driveway, I couldn't wait any longer. I dug the piece of paper out and flipped it open to look at the contents. Down the front was a list of questions, all sexual in nature.
Ignoring all other homework, I went to work answering the questionnaire as soon as I got inside. My responses to the questions were as follows:
1. ) How many men have you had sex with?
None.
2.) Place a check mark next to the things you have experience with:
Vaginal intercourse __
Anal intercourse __
Intercourse with a same sex partner __
Giving oral sex __
Receiving oral sex __
3.) What do you have experience with not listed above?
Dry humping.
4.) Do you enjoy watching other people have sex or enjoy being watched while you're having sex?
I enjoy watching __
I enjoy being watched __
I don't like watching but enjoy being watched __
I don't like being watched but enjoy watching others __
I don't enjoy watching or being watched __
I have no preference _X_
5.) What are you interested in learning about?
Anything you're willing to teach me.
6.) What will you absolutely not do?
No bodily waste. No animals. No children. No anal sex.
7.) Are you interested in learning about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism)?
Sure. Why not.
All the questions seemed easy enough to answer except for the ultimate sexual fantasy one. I wasn't quite sure what it meant, realistic fantasies or make-believe ones. Everyone has fantasies they'd never live out—fantasies they like to pleasure themselves to, like play rape and impossibly giant cocks stuffing them from both ends, or maybe even monster sex.
When I thought about it though, it didn't really make sense to jot down something that wasn't even possible. Still, the context depended on what he'd gather from the information, and I had no idea what that was.
Part of me wanted to write that I'd like to be taken by two men at once, but I was too embarrassed, and I didn't want to seem greedy. Besides, realistically, I wasn't sure if I would do it. I was a one-man woman. I didn't enjoy sharing, so I couldn't imagine my significant other wanting to share me. Anything else I could come up with was tame in comparison. In the end, I decided to leave the question blank.
Nervousness welled in my stomach as I turned the paper in to Damien the next day. For a little while, I had thought about waiting until the end of the week, to take some time to decide if this was what I really wanted. More than likely, these after school classes were a gateway to having sex with him.
If I didn't turn the paper in, I felt like I could wipe my slate clean, and things could continue as if nothing had happened between us. My carnal instincts wouldn't allow that though. I wanted Damien Reed. Maybe I hadn't been ready for him the first time he advanced on me, but now I was prepared. This wasn't a fantasy anymore.