CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
I spend the night in Lucian's company. After having sex, we don't really move. We just lie there and he strokes my back absentmindedly until we both pass out.
I wake up the next morning with a smile on my face. I've dreamed about having Lucian stay the night at my apartment for a while, and though the circumstances weren't great, the experience was still more than I had hoped for. We patched up our relationship, and now everything will be alright.
At least I think that until I roll over and find his spot empty. My smile instantly turns upside down as I quickly pull my clothes on to see if he's in the living room watching television. The thought that Lucian and Janice may have crossed paths without me being around makes me uncomfortable. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but I just can't help it.
The living room is bare of his presence as well. His shoes are gone, and after checking the bathroom just to make sure I didn't miss him, I realize that he is too. He must have sneaked out this morning.
A bit disappointed, I trudge back to my room to grab my cell phone. There are no new messages, so I tap one out to Lucian to check on him. “You are stealthy like a ninja. Just wanted to make sure you made it home alright this morning.”
I sit on my bed and wait for him to respond. After about ten minutes, I decide that he's probably busy and will text me back whenever he gets time.
The day starts off pretty boring, though I'm still floating on a high from being with Lucian. I'm sad that he couldn't stay with me today. Lord knows what he's doing. Hopefully, he's not working at Flesh.
I don't want to think about that. It ruins things. And for now, I just want to pretend that everything will be alright. For a while, it will be. Until I start marinating on the fact that I'm still sharing him with other women. That can be brought back up when the dust settles though. I'll work on him, break him down like I've slowly been doing.
Surely, we can come up with some compromise without me having to be his submissive. I do enjoy the kink play that we do, I just don't want to be his slave. And while I understand that submissive and slave aren't the same thing, it sure felt that way when I read his extensive list of rules.
Not wanting to waste my day in thought, I decide to go shopping at the mall. One of the first stores I walk into is Frederick's of Hollywood. I spend a good thirty minutes looking at sexy lingerie, wanting to find something that will knock Lucian's socks off.
Even though I'm alone, shopping is so much fun. In my giddiness, I splurge, walking away with three new pieces of lingerie, garters, hose, and accessories to match.
When I get home, I try on all of the lingerie, modeling in front of my closet mirror and prancing around gleefully. It's odd to think it, but I actually feel sexy. Lucian makes me feel sexy. He seduced me when I was wearing boring work clothes. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time. I love his compliments. And though it took me a long time to come out of my shell, I'm proud that I finally feel confident enough to want to wear this kind of stuff around him.
But then I think about the clauses in his contract that included diet and exercise, and the happy little cloud I've been parading under all day darkens a bit. I wrap my arms around myself, covering my stomach, the corners of my lips dipping. I could stand to eat healthier and maybe to get some kind of exercise in. Will I really be able to keep a man like him if I don't shape up? According to that submissive contract, it's highly unlikely.
But again, that's something that I can do on my own. I don't need him standing over me, forcing me to eat right and hit the gym. If I put my mind to it, I can be a healthier person.
I nod to myself in the mirror, deciding that I'll start my diet tomorrow. The apartment complex has a gym, so maybe I can use it a few days a week, start out slow. It would be good for me. I certainly can't deny that. Once I'm in better shape, it will improve my self-confidence. Maybe I'll even start to feel worthy of Lucian's God-like physique.
When I'm done playing dress up, I put away the things that I bought and go into the living room to watch television for the rest of the night. With a soft smile on my face, I flip to the History Channel, then I go back to my room to retrieve the pillow that Lucian used, hugging it as I watch a documentary on some African tribe.
I just want to feel close to him. But for as cute as the notion is, I quickly get bored and flip to a sitcom. Having the pillow with me is good enough. I can bury my face in it and inhale Lucian's scent and daydream about when we'll be together again. And beyond that to when we'll be together in the way that I want us to be.
***
The next day, I call Derrick to see if he wants to hang out. Thankfully he's free, so we decide to go to the movies and then out to a late lunch. Picking a movie that we both agree on is easier said than done. I want to watch this new live-action Disney movie that just came out, and he wants to see a spy thriller. Eventually, we end up agreeing on a comedy though neither of us ends up liking it.
“Good God, we should have known better,” Derrick groans over a piece of bread.
I stare at it like a ravenous dog, thinking about how I'm not supposed to be having any carbohydrates today. Perhaps I should have considered that before agreeing to come to an Italian restaurant. My resolve dips even further as I watch Derrick slather his bread with butter. Then I give up and reach across the table for my own piece. I'll start my diet tomorrow.
“Yeah. That lead guy was horrible. I've never liked him in anything.” I hold back my inner disappointment at myself as I watch the butter melt on my perfectly warm piece of bread before taking a bite. Heaven in my mouth.
“Why did we decide to see that movie, again?” He cocks an eyebrow.
“Because we couldn't agree on anything else,” I mumble around the bread in my mouth.
“Dainty,” he teases me.
“Hey,” I gulp hard, “I was supposed to be dieting today. You ruined it by wanting to come here. Let me indulge, because I'm going to start again tomorrow.”
“Sure you are.” He nods slowly, obviously not believing me.
“I am.” I huff.
“I've heard that before.” He takes a sip of water.
“We should rent movies after this to make up for the crappy one we just watched. Unless you're going out with your boyfriend tonight, of course.” I hesitate, trying not to pout at the thought that he might not be able to waste the rest of the day with me.
“Nope. We went out last night.” He tears his piece of bread in half before nibbling on it.
“How's that going, by the way?”
“It's good.” His tone indicates the opposite.
“No sex last night?” I smirk.
“Yeah.” He sets his bread down and wipes his hands with his napkin.
“Then why don't you sound excited about it? Does it suck?” I give him a confused look.
“No.” He shakes his head. “He's very good at what he does. He does this thing with my balls—”
“Whoa!” I hold out my hands. “Too much information.”
“Well, you asked.” He rolls his eyes.
“I don't need the details.” I laugh.
“Why not? You tell me all of that nasty shit that you and Lucy Lu do.”
“Lucy Lu?” I nearly spit out the water I just drank.
“How's that going anyway?” He makes a sweeping motion with his hand as if he's just trying to make conversation and not at all interested in the answer.
“It's going better now.” I shrug. “I think you know how it is at this point. One step forward, two steps back. We're stepping forward right now.”
“The math on that is all wrong.” He frowns at me. “If you're only taking one step forward and two steps back, then things aren't going in the right direction.”
“Perhaps that was bad phrasing.” My eyes widen at my own stupidity. “Things are going slowly.”
“Well, at least you're not on the verge of crying again.” He picks his bread up and takes a bite.
I sigh. “I wish you and Janice would get off of my back about that. My relationship with Lucian is a work in progress. It probably will be for a while still. I'm breaking him down though. Things will work out in the end, I'm pretty sure of it.” I bob my head, determined that I'm right.
“If you say so.” He quirks his head back.
“I do say so.” I glare at him.
“Fine.” He holds his palms up in surrender, then his attention diverts to something behind me. “Oh thank God, the waiter is coming. I'm absolutely starving.”
“Me too. I'm going to eat like there's no tomorrow.” I put down my bread to give my menu another quick look over before folding it up.
***
After lunch, Derrick and I stop by Redbox, pick up way more movies than we could possibly ever watch in one afternoon, and head back to my apartment. I pour us two glasses of the now flat wine that Lucian and I were supposed to have drunk the night before, and we settle on the sofa for an evening of mindless entertainment.
“This wine is kinda gross.” Derrick wrinkles his nose at me.
“Just shut up and drink it.” I smirk, wondering if it would be even more unappetizing to him if he knew I had been meant to share it with Lucian. Information better not disclosed.
He screws his face and takes a sip before shrugging and setting his glass on the coffee table. Then he leans back and hooks his arm over the back of the sofa, and I cuddle up against him.
Toward the end of the first movie, Janice emerges from her bedroom wearing a sleek black trench coat and some white shiny vinyl boots. Derrick and I both turn to look at her.
“Going to Flesh?” I ask, trying to sound chipper about it.
“Yup. It's not too late for you to come.” She wiggles happily.
“Pfft. I'll pass.” Derrick grunts.
“Aw, come on. I'm sure you could learn a few things to teach to your boyfriend,” she teases.
“Shit, he could probably teach those people a few things.” He rolls his eyes.
“So when are we going to meet this mystery man?” Janice leans over the sofa next to us, resting her forearms on it.
“I don't know.” His lips twist into a mischievous grin. “I'd be kind of embarrassed for him to see how big of sluts you both are.”
“Derrick!” My mouth falls agape and I turn to smack him on the knee.
Janice laughs. “To each his or her own. At least I don't let anyone fuck me in the tailpipe.”
I blush madly at the reference, thinking of what Lucian and I did together.
“Oh bullshit,” Derrick counters. “I bet there's not a hole in your body that hasn't been violated.”
“You got me there.” She points at him. “Hopefully some of my holes will get violated tonight. I want to do a rape scene,” she says dreamily.
“You, ma'am, are a complete freak.” Derrick shakes his head at her.
“Freaky and proud.” She straightens herself, a smile plastered across her face as she stretches.
“Uh oh, don't tell me you're tired already,” I say.
“Nope. Just woke up from a nap. All rested for the night to come,” she replies. “You should ditch queer eye and come with me. I'm sure they've got someone available.”
“Queer eye?” Derrick huffs, though he's obviously not too offended by the comment.
“Nah. Things are going well with Lucian and me.” I shake my head. “I wouldn't want to screw that up.”
“Suit yourself.” She shrugs.
“So, are we going to get to see the outfit?” Derrick gestures to her trench coat. “I'm sure you've got something really skanky on underneath that.”
“Your gay little eyes couldn't handle it.” She hugs herself, rocking back and forth while pouting.
“I'll vomit after you leave.” He makes grabby hands at the coat.
“Fine.” She takes a step away and turns so that her back is facing us. “I'm meeting with a new Dom tonight, so I wanted to wear something impressive.”
When she slips off the trench coat, I give her back a confused look. The outfit she's wearing isn't fetish related at all. It's not even black. Sheer white stockings cover her legs and are attached to matching garters. As she turns around, I realize that it's just regular lingerie. A white silk bra with matching panties. Everything is lacy and see-through. It's hard for me to keep looking at her because I feel like I'm seeing all of her.
“Glad I had sex yesterday,” Derrick comments, “because I definitely won't be getting it up tonight.”
“Oh shut it,” Janice barks at him. “You wanted to see. Besides, you're not that damn gay or you never would have wanted to date Amy.”
“Amy is classy.” He casts a sideways glance in my direction.
“This is classy too.” She pulls a lacy, white jacket over her shoulders. I never would have known it was there had she not grabbed the sides of it from under her trench coat. To be honest, the ensemble is gorgeous, just not something I'd ever expect her to wear to Flesh.
“So what made you go with this?” I gesture to the outfit.
“Well.” She closes up her trench coat, her eyes fixed on Derrick as if she's actually concerned that she has offended him with her near nudity. “As I said, I wanted to do a rape scene, so I figured it would be better if I looked pure.”
“You look purely slutty.” Derrick smirks.
“Shut. It.” She pretends to zip her lips.
“I think you look gorgeous,” I tell her. It's true. If I wore something like that, I'd just look frumpy. White isn't really my color.
“Thank you, Amy.” She bows her head to me respectfully, then goes to the bar to pick up her purse. “Well, I'm outski. You faggalottes have a good night.”
“Faggalottes?” Derrick raises an eyebrow.
“My word. I copyright it.” She points to the ceiling as she walks toward the door.
“Whatever.” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
All I can do is giggle.
After Janice leaves, I snuggle back against Derrick and we resume watching the movie. It's hard for me to concentrate when I'm busy wondering what Lucian is up to.
Apparently, Derrick is having issues too, because he randomly says, “I don't understand what she gets out of that.”
“I do, to a degree.” I bite my bottom lip, thinking about the scene I did with Lucian in his dungeon. Not the painful one that was supposed to mimic Flesh, but the one that he tailored for me. He's good at that, figuring out what people want and accommodating them. That's probably why he's done so well at Flesh.
“I mean, who wants to be beaten during sex?” He shifts his weight, getting comfortable.
“It's not all about that. It's not supposed to be about that at all, really.” I lean into him a bit more.
“Then what is it supposed to be about?”
“Pleasure.”
“There's nothing pleasurable about being beaten.”
“People derive pleasure from different things. It's like that saying that one man's trash is another's treasure. But there's a whole list of kinks beyond flogging and spanking and the painful stuff. You can get pleasure from BDSM without ever being struck.” My mind instantly drifts back to the forced orgasm tower.
I can't help but wonder what other tricks Lucian has up his sleeve. I'd like to find out someday. Perhaps if I tell him that, it will make him realize that I don't have to be his submissive for him to do kink play with me. Of course, he should know that already after everything we've done together.
“Well, I don't get it, and I suppose I never will,” he huffs.
“To each his own.” I smirk.
We remain silent until the credits start to roll. Then Derrick changes out the Blu-ray Disc and returns to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder again and pulling me close.
“This is nice,” I sigh contently.
“This is nice,” he replies, sounding relaxed. “You know, it could have always been like this.”
“What do you mean?” I look up at him.
He turns to me and brings his hand up to my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb. The way he's looking at me sends tendrils of dread clawing at my insides. I know this look. It's the same look he got when he first tried to seduce me.
“I still like you, Amy, and I always will.”
Gingerly, I grab his hand and set it back down in his lap. “I'm with Lucian now, Derrick.”
He leans back against the sofa to face the television. “I know, and I've made peace with that. I just wanted you to know that I wasn't lying about what I said. I try to cover up my feelings, but it doesn't work very well. Still, I respect the fact that you're not interested in me. And I know why you chose him.”
The air in the room suddenly grows thick, but it's more awkward than choking. I really don't want to talk about this, even though I know he's sincere. He's not hitting on me this time. Not really.
“I don't ever want to lose you as a friend, Derrick,” I say quietly.
“You won't. I know where we stand. And besides, I'm never going to have washboard abs like Wonder Boy. Apparently, that's what it takes to impress you.” He pokes my side teasingly.
“Wonder Boy? Really?” I shake my head.
“I'm happy for you, Amy. I really am. If he could just stop making you cry, everything would be perfect.” His expression is slightly disapproving, but I know he won't push the subject any further.