CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“I'll take twenty of your children's beds,” Lucian tells Walter when we're done with our business and are both decent.
By some miracle, instead of intervening, Walter walked away from what he saw. That made me equal parts nervous and relieved. Relieved because he saved us from the embarrassment of having to explain ourselves. Nervous because he could have spent the five minutes it took for me and Lucian to finish up to go call Tyra and tell her that he caught me sleeping with a client in their store.
I fidget nervously as the two men talk, my eyes darting to Walter's face every few seconds, my expression innocent and pleading. I'm far from innocent though. Lucian and I just fucked on one of their beds. That's not something an innocent person would do.
To try to do damage control, Lucian told Walter that he wanted the bed that we had sex on too. Not something from back in the warehouse. That particular bed. The one on display.
“Twenty children's beds, sir?” Walter looks at us as if he's assuming that Lucian just knocked me up with a litter of children.
“Yes, twenty beds. I want them shipped to Habitat for Humanity. If you don't have their address on file, I'll email it to you when I get back to my office.” Lucian pulls a business card out of his pocket and hands it to Walter.
Walter looks it over for a moment, and then his eyes go wide. “Of course, Doctor Reddick.”
“I apologize, but you'll have to hold the furniture that I bought today until this lovely lady can schedule for me to receive it. She's been an absolute blessing through all of this.” He smiles down at me before returning his attention to Walter. “If everything goes smoothly, you can expect a big bonus.” He emphasizes the word bonus.
Walter seems stunned for a minute, then he shakes his head, holding out his hand. “Oh, no sir, we don't take bonuses here.”
“No one has to know about it.” Lucian puts his arm around Walter's shoulder to lead him away a few feet. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that they're talking about what happened upstairs.
I wring my hands together as I watch them, my palms sweating profusely, hoping that everything will be alright. I keep forgetting that Lucian can buy his way out of almost any problem. In light of being caught, it's kind of a comforting thought. Maybe this will save my job.
Walter and Lucian wrap up their business and we say our goodbyes. Lucian wears a victorious smile the entire time. He's sickeningly charming, and I doubt that his promise of giving Walter a fat bonus check didn't work. Most people are motivated by money. And what does it really matter that we had sex on a bed that Lucian ended up buying anyway though I have no clue what he plans to do with it. That bed isn't getting sent to Habitat for Humanity.
I expect that as soon as we step outside, I'll feel a lot better about the whole situation. The cool air does little to still my nerves though.
“I can't believe that happened.” I hold my face in my hands, mortified that someone related to my job watched me having sex for...God knows how long.
“It's the risk you take when you have sex in public.” Lucian shrugs. “Sometimes you get caught.”
“This wasn't just public though, Lucian.” I point back at the store. “I go in there for work. If he tells my boss, I'll get fired.”
“If he tells your boss, I'll help you find a job elsewhere,” he replies nonchalantly before pulling out his cell phone to call his limo driver.
I squeeze my eyes closed, fighting back the urge to yell at him. Everything is so trivial to him. It's like he doesn't care that he could have completely disrupted my life. He has completely disrupted my life as it is.
“I love my job. I love the people that I work with. I love the company that I work for. I don't want to work anywhere else,” my tone is clipped.
He slips his phone back into his pocket and arches an eyebrow at me. “You know that you could make more money at a different design firm. Environ Design is a pretty small fish. I doubt they pay you as much as the bigger firms would.”
My mouth falls open in disbelief. Is he insulting where I work now?
“If they're such a small fish, then why did you even contact them for a consultation?” I place my hands on my hips and tap my foot on the concrete, showing my displeasure.
“Because I like to support small business, Amy. It's as simple as that.” He puts on his sunglasses and stares out into the distance.
“Everything is simple to you, Lucian. Too simple.” Including my feelings.
“I'm a simple man.” He smiles, stepping off of the curb as soon as he sees his limo turning into the parking lot.
It ticks me off that he completely missed what I was getting at. Beyond that, he's far from simple. In fact, he's one of the most complicated people I've ever met.
“Ciao.” He waves at me over his shoulder before disappearing into the limo.
Every nerve inside of me is boiling with anger as I watch the limo pull away. He took care of business and then he ran. There was no warmth from him. No taste of the man he was when I spent the night with him. It's like that part of him was completely erased with the setting sun.
***
I'm glad that I don't have to go back to work after looking at furniture with Lucian because I'm emotionally wrecked. Derrick would probably get great satisfaction out of knowing that Lucian hurt me again. That's just the bitter part of me talking though. Derrick isn't like that. He can be spiteful, but I know that he'd comfort me if he knew that I was truly hurt.
I'm not hurt though, more like confused. I don't understand the way that Lucian is. He's an anomaly to me, and not in a good way. I want to believe that he really has some sort of feelings for me, but how he acts is contradictory.
If he cared about me, he wouldn't just fuck and run. If he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, he would have answered my texts. Almost everything points to our relationship just being professional and sexual, but there's a hopeful part of me that refuses to believe it.
I need to talk out my feelings, but I'm a bit apprehensive to approach Janice after her bad mood the other night. When I get home from work, she's in front of the television again. Briefly, I think about stopping to engage her in conversation, but instead, I go straight to my room to grab my cupcake pajamas and step into the shower.
The warm water feels soothing. I cry while I wash my hair, though I don't know why. Lucian didn't really say or do anything to hurt me. He was just distant. Always distant. Pull me in for sex. Push me away emotionally.
Janice and Derrick are right. He's bad for me. I'm just so addicted to the possibility that something might come of us. Just yesterday he let me in about how he acquired his house. The day before that, he told me about his family. I can't help but think that none of that might have happened though if I hadn't gone into his room and flipped over those pictures. If I hadn't done that, would I know any more about him than I did before. The sad answer is probably not.
I towel off my hair and then step into my pajamas, zipping them up at the front and hugging myself as I stare into the mirror. It's the first time I realize that I'm losing who I used to be. That girl in the mirror, that sweet girl who only ever wanted romance—she doesn't feel real anymore. Lucian is perverting me—making me want other things—making me enjoy them. Not want. I never wanted to have sex in the middle of the furniture store. I never wanted him to force me onto the bed and shove his cock inside of me. I never wanted to feel this way about a man who is so utterly unattainable.
The tears start falling again, and I quickly wipe them away. The girl in the mirror stares back at me, silently lecturing me. This isn't who you are. He's not who you need. Who cares if he's rich and gorgeous and amazing in bed. He's a complete asshole. You can't fix him. He probably doesn't even want to be fixed.
You need to move on. Find a sweet, romantic guy. Have a story book romance, get married, pop out a couple of kids, and live happily ever after. There will never be a happily ever after with Lucian. Just misery. Just pain.
I hug myself tighter, feeling the stubbornness inside of me well up. The impossible what ifs. What if he does want to change? What if I can fix him? What if I push him away and he really does have feelings for me?
There's nothing wrong with him. Janice's words echo in my head. If nothing is wrong with him though, does that mean that there's something wrong with me. Is it messed up that I want to be with him, that I keep trying to force him to be something that he's not? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry some more. I'm done crying though.
With a sigh, I pick my dirty clothes up off of the floor and open the bathroom door. Janice is on her way to her bedroom, and we nearly bump into each other. I gasp, accidentally dropping my skirt.
She picks it up, then notices my pajamas. Sympathy contorts her previously blank expression, but there's something else mixed in with it. Something I can't place.
“What did he do this time?” There's so much annoyance in her voice that it causes a pang in my heart.
“How do you know he did anything?” I practically rip my skirt out of her hand, scowling all the while.
She straightens herself and puts her hands on her hips. Then she gestures at my pajamas.
“I could have just had a bad day at work.” I turn to continue to my room.
“But you didn't, did you?” She follows, and the hard edges in her tone begin to soften as if she might actually be concerned.
“You don't want to hear me talk about it, so I won't.” I toss my dirty clothes in my laundry hamper and sit in front of my computer, trying to ignore the fact that she's standing in the doorway. I would have slammed the door in her face, but I don't want the tension between us to get any greater. The last thing I need right now is to fight about something stupid and lose her as a roommate.
“Amy.” She rests against the door frame. “That's not what I meant.”
“Well, it sure seemed like it.”
She swipes her tongue over her top lip before drawing her hand up to her face in frustration. “Look, he put you in a bad mood again, right? Don't sass me, just tell me if I'm right or not.”
I huff, turning to face her. “Alright. He put me in a bad mood. What of it?”
“This isn't the first time. It isn't the second time. And it won't be the last time.” The way she's holding her forehead suggests that it's taking everything in her to be patient with me. I'm not dense though. I know what she's getting at.
“This is my choice, Janice. I know it doesn't agree with you or Derrick, but...” I sigh. “Look, maybe you're both right. When I finish with his interior design project, he might kick me to the curb. I don't know. I just...” A plethora of emotions flood through me. It feels like my hope of eventually being with Lucian is quickly being siphoned away by Janice's presence. The way she looks at me when I talk about Lucian. The way that Derrick looks at me when I talk about Lucian. “I just like him. Okay? I can't...I don't even understand it myself. This isn't like me at all.” I slump forward and cradle my head in my arms on the desk.
Seconds later, I hear the soft padding of footsteps and then feel Janice's hand on my back rubbing it soothingly. “I get his appeal, Amy. I really do. The guy is fucking gorgeous. I can't even imagine what it's like to sleep with him.”
“It's amazing,” I grumble, my thoughts drifting back to that night in Lucian's bedroom when he made love to me. It's a good sign that that's what my soul really needs. Not these crazy compulsive sexcapades in random places where I feel nothing from him at all.
“If you want to keep seeing him, I'm not going to argue with you. And I'll be here when it all comes crumbling down and you need my support. It's just hard to watch you being depressed like this.” She kneels down beside me, leaning over to peek under my arms.
I exhale deeply and sit up, twisting my body to face her. “You're a good friend.”
“So are you.” She takes my hand and squeezes it. “And you don't deserve this.”
I smile weakly at her before threading my fingers through my hair. “I just wish I knew what to do. Wish I had some definite answer about how he really feels about me.”
“Have you asked him?”
“No,” I smirk. It seems like the simplest of things, but yet it's so damn difficult.
“Maybe you should start there.” She straightens herself to go sit on my bed.
“I don't want him to think that I'm desperate though or trying to force him into anything.” I shake my head, knowing that I'm just making excuses.
“You are trying to force him into something though. He just might not know it.”
“I think he knows it at this point. I mean, I've been pretty clear about the fact that this isn't something I normally do.” I screw my face.
“Well, I've got an idea about how you can find out how serious he is, but you're probably not going to like it.” Her eyes widen as if she's about to suggest the scariest thing in the world.
“What?” I ask apprehensively.
“Go back to Flesh and ask for him.”
“What will that prove?” I quirk an eyebrow.
A mischievous grin plays across her lips. “Go back to Flesh. Fill out a new form. Use a different name. Mark off sex on your list and see if he still takes you as a client.”
“It would be bad enough if I could just get him as a Dom,” I mumble. The thought that Lucian might be pleasuring other women in any way makes me feel sick. “What about when the guy at the front desk runs my credit card? What if he asks about the different name?”
“Just tell him that you want to remain anonymous to your Dom. It's not an unreasonable request. I'm sure a lot of clients do it.”
While I highly doubt that, it does seem like a perfectly allowable thing to do.
The thought of going to Flesh to see if Lucian is sleeping with other women makes my stomach turn, mostly because I'm pretty sure that he is. There's a part of me that has enjoyed being blissfully ignorant. That's the part of me that has continued to pine for him. If I go to Flesh and see him there, maybe my feelings for him will be squashed out.
“I don't know, Janice. That would seem really shady.”
“Do you want to know or do you not want to know?” Her expression indicates that the answer is obvious.
“There have to be better ways of finding out than...spying on him.”
“It's not spying on him if you go in as a paying client.”
“I suppose not.” I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stifle down the nasty feeling inside of me that's insisting she's right. “Still, I don't want to do it.”
“Well.” She stands, obviously tired of trying to talk sense into me. “I think you know what you have to do. Either ask him straight out or go to Flesh and find out for yourself. And even if you do ask, I would still go to Flesh just to make sure. Fetishes run deep, and a guy doesn't give up being a Dom for just anyone.” She casts a sideways glance at me as she walks out of the room.
The way she suggested that I'm 'just anyone' to Lucian hurts. He told me about his wife and son and parents. I doubt he would have opened up to 'just anyone'. He could have avoided the topic. Then I would have left and he never would have seen me again. Clearly, he didn't want that. That has to mean something.
With a sigh, I immerse myself in surfing the internet for several hours before I go to bed. I need a distraction. Any distraction. Of course, that only works when I'm doing something. The second that I crawl under the covers, my mind is back on Lucian Reddick and all that Janice said.
Should I go to Flesh? It seems like such a childish thing to do. Like I'm an angry girlfriend trying to catch him cheating. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt though. I want to wait for some type of sign. Maybe I'll just try to hold on until his project is over. That will be the test as to whether or not he has legitimate feelings for me—if he wants to see me after our business is concluded. Who knows how long that will be though? His project has already taken an exceedingly long amount of time. We've only just purchased the furniture for his bedroom and the guest bedroom. There's still the rest of the house to go. Judging by how slowly we've made progress, it could take another week or two before his project is finished. I'm not sure that my heart can handle much more push and pull without breaking completely. I feel like I've already emotionally stretched myself to my limits. I want off of this rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows.
There's only one way. Well, two ways, technically. Ask and take the chance that he could be lying, or go to Flesh and find out the truth. If he's sleeping with other women, it means that he's not really interested in me.
That thought is incredibly painful. Too painful. A large part of me doesn't want to know the truth because logic tells me that he's not as invested as I've led myself to believe. I'm terrified of getting hurt again. And so I decide to do the naive thing. I'll wait until his project is over and see where we stand after that.