CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Ever since leaving Lucian's house, all I've been able to think about is what everything that happened means for us. We made love and I slept in his arms and he confessed so many personal things. Then he cooked me breakfast this morning and we cuddled in his living room like a couple. Does that mean we're dating now? Am I in a relationship with him? I desperately want to know the answer, but it's way too impersonal to ask over text, and I don't want to seem naive. I'll have to find out some other way, though I have no idea how.
It's not until I pull up in front of Environ Design that I realize there are more important things to think about. Lucian hasn't sent me a text back to confirm that he spoke to Tyra. Even if he didn't though, I very rarely come in late, and at least I let her know. I shouldn't get in too much trouble for it.
I walk through the glass double doors, and instead of going straight to my desk, I head to Tyra's office. By some miracle, she's actually in there though she's on the phone. When I open my mouth to speak, she holds up her hand to silence me. Briefly, I think about just coming back later, but then I decide to wait. I'd rather talk to her privately about being at Lucian's house early this morning than wait for her to come to my desk where Derrick might be able to hear our conversation.
My nervousness increases as the minutes tick by. Tyra's expression—happy before I entered the room—flattens into something serious and deadpan. She's annoyed that I'm still standing there, and I know I'm pressing my luck. I already came in late. The last thing I want to do is piss her off more than I probably already have.
Finally, she starts to say her goodbyes. I feel a rush of relief wash over me, but it's cut short as I catch a glimpse of Derrick in my peripheral vision coming into Tyra's office. A hard lump rockets to my throat, choking out any words I might have said to Tyra about being with Lucian this morning.
“Hey ladies, I just wanted to come see if there was anything new about the Reddick project I should know about.” Derrick stops right beside me, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking completely nonchalant.
Inside, I'm raging. He's being nosy, purposely prying.
“I don't know. Amy, is there anything new?” Tyra gives me a queer look.
“No. Nothing at all.” I shake my head, my lips feeling tight as I force a smile. “I just wanted to let you know that I showed up.” It's a lame excuse, especially given the fact that I've been standing in her office waiting for her to get off of the phone for at least a good five minutes.
“Alright. Nothing new, then.” She smiles at Derrick.
Internally, I sigh. Bullet dodged. I'll just email Tyra instead. Hopefully, she won't come to my desk afterward.
I turn to walk out of the office, and Derrick follows. My whole body is tense knowing that he's behind me, maybe because I feel like I've wronged him somehow. I'm not sure why. It's not like we were ever really dating. I just lied about it.
“Oh, and Amy,” Tyra's voice catches me off guard, making me stop in my tracks and Derrick nearly run into me.
“Hm?” I cast a glance over my shoulder, feeling my insides begin to twist.
“Doctor Reddick called. He confirmed that you were at his house all morning.”
***
“Amy, how could you?!”
I'm standing outside of Environ Design rubbing my wrist. Almost the second that we walked out of Tyra's office, Derrick grabbed me and practically dragged me out of the building. I knew this lecture was coming, I had just hoped it could wait until at least lunch time.
“Derrick, this can wait.” I roll my eyes, using rudeness as a defense mechanism.
“We talked about this,” his tone raises an octave, then he looks towards the door to make sure that no one can hear us. Everyone is staring.
“We'll talk about this at lunch,” I growl.
“Did you fuck him?” Disgust is written all over his face.
For a moment, I think about lying. It will calm him if I say no. Then we can go back inside and work peacefully until lunch. I'm really not up for the tension of telling the truth. But at the same time, I just want to get this over with. Telling him now will be like ripping off a band-aid. Plus, I don't want to string out the betrayal of his trust.
“Yes,” I admit, keeping my nose up. I'm not ashamed that I slept with Lucian. Perhaps if he had been dismissive as usual, I would be. But things were different last night. Worlds away from what they have been.
Derrick draws his hand up to his face, and I can almost feel the anger radiating off of him. I stay silent, waiting for him to say something—to pitch a fit or have an all-out fight with me. He doesn't say anything though. And after about two minutes of just standing there looking angry and wounded, he steps past me to pull open the door and go back inside, not even glancing at me.
Inside I crumble. It's entirely unexpected, the pain that comes from him not saying anything at all. His disappointment in me is crushing, almost suffocating. Tears well up in my eyes, and I know I'm going to need another minute before I can go back inside. I don't get that minute though. Tyra pokes her head out the door, and I have to suck up my emotions immediately.
“Is everything alright?” she asks though she looks more irritated than concerned.
“Yeah. I'm fine.” I wipe my face with the back of my arm, praying that I don't smear my makeup.
She holds the door open for me, practically forcing me back inside. Silently, I curse her for not giving me a few more minutes to recover. This is her job though, making sure that I'm doing my job.
“I'm not sure what's going on with you two,” she tells me softly, though her softly is still loud enough for everyone in the office to hear. “But I need you to separate your emotions from work. You're here to do a job, remember.”
“Mhm.” I nod weakly, biting back the vile things that are rolling around in my mouth begging to be spat out. I am doing my job. My job is to keep Lucian Reddick happy, and that's exactly what I've been doing all morning. And it's kind of hard to separate my emotions from work when they're entwined with the project. This fucked up love triangle I have going on. I don't know how to deal with it. Everything would have been fine if she hadn't said anything about me being with Lucian this morning. If Derrick hadn't been nosy and come into her office trying to figure out what was going on.
I suppose it's just deserts though. Only yesterday, I was in Lucian's bedroom turning over all of those pictures. I had no business to do it, yet I did it anyway because I desperately wanted to know his secret. Everything turned out alright though. Better than alright.
This is my karma. Not all secrets revealed have a happy outcome.
***
Even though I came in to work late, the day seems longer than usual. At lunch time, Derrick whizzes past my desk to go eat alone. It hurts, but I understand. The wound of knowing that I spent the night with Lucian is still fresh. Hopefully, he'll get over it in a day or two. He told me before that we could still be friends even if I wasn't interested in him. I hope that holds true.
I text Lucian periodically throughout the day, though he never responds, which only makes me feel worse. By the time I get off from work, I'm beginning to think that he played me again. It wouldn't be an unrealistic possibility. He's very good at pulling me in and pushing me away. At least now I know that he does it because he's damaged. That makes the thought a bit more bearable.
I come home to find Janice sitting on the sofa in the living room watching television. She doesn't even look at me as I walk through the door and set my purse on the bar.
I sigh deeply as I come to sit down on the sofa next to her and kick off my high heels. That's when I notice she has a bowl of popcorn on her lap and is shoving a handful in her mouth while her eyes are glued to the screen. It only takes a few seconds for me to realize that she's watching a horror movie.
“Having fun?” I ask.
She waves her hand, shushing me. “This is the best part.”
I lean back and wait for it, the part of the movie where the girl makes the wrong turn and gets stabbed to death by the murderer, an undeniably attractive guy in a mask. It's an old slasher movie. Well, not old, but older. We've both seen it at least half a dozen times, so I'm not sure why she's getting so excited about it.
“Do you want me to tell you who he kills next?” I whisper into her ear teasingly.
She pushes me away, furrowing her brow. “You suck, Amy.”
“Not yet, but I've been thinking about it.” I trace my tongue across my bottom lip as I recall Lucian's cock being so close to my face, how it smelled, how his pre-seed tasted, how much I wanted to stick that big, fat shaft down my throat and feel him throb in my mouth. Just thinking about it gets me all hot and bothered.
“Another late night with Blue Eyes?” She sounds completely unamused.
“You're getting good at guessing.” I reach over to grab a handful of popcorn.
“Well, you don't visit your parents much anymore.” Her eyes widen for a moment.
“That's not true.” It is true. I really need to go home for a weekend. It's been over a month since I've seen my parents, though I have been in contact with my mom via text.
She grunts in reply, and it annoys me that she's not more excited for me.
“So I told Derrick that I slept with Lucian again, and he's really pissed at me now.”
“He'll get over it. He's not really into you anyway. He just thinks he is.”
I frown, wondering if she's right. In truth, I should be happy if that's the case. It would mean Derrick's bitter feelings will pass quickly and we'll be able to return to how things were before.
“What if he doesn't get over it?” I scrunch up my face, not wanting to think about that possibility.
“If he really cares about you, he will. You guys have been friends forever. Him wanting to date you did kind of come out of left field. He's probably just jealous because there's a new guy in your life and he doesn't know how to cope with it.”
That might be true. Derrick has been the only guy in my life in a really long time.
“But I'm honestly not surprised that he's pissed off about the whole Blue Eyes thing. Even if he wasn't interested in you, I can see why he'd be ticked.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” I turn to her, quickly becoming tired of her strange attitude.
Her shoulders slump and she casts a sideways glance at me. “That guy is no good. We've discussed this.”
“He's...fine,” I hesitate. “He's just...damaged.”
“Sure. They all are.” She gestures absentmindedly in my direction. “And let me guess, you're going to fix him.”
“I'm going to try,” I insist, beginning to think that I might have been better off just going to my room.
“It never works, Amy.” She leans forward and sets the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. “Besides, you're not into the same stuff that he's into. You probably don't have much in common. It would never work out.”
“What's your problem?” I glare at her.
“Nothing.” She rolls her eyes and sulks back against the sofa.
“It's not nothing.” I look down at her. “Are you on your period or something?”
She snorts and shifts her gaze, which is a good indication that the answer is yes.
“Janice, talk to me. We're best friends. This is what friends are for.” I offer her a weak smile.
“You just don't know what's good for you, and it's kind of annoying.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “You go after this Dom, and then it's blah blah blah he's so awesome, but I want to change him. It doesn't work that way, Amy. There's nothing wrong with him. Nothing that needs to be changed. You shouldn't go after guys like that and expect them to change just because you want sweet romance.”
Her words sting, and I can't quite process them. It feels like she's just lashing out at me for no good reason. “So this is about Lucian being a Dom?”
“You weren't even into this shit in the first place.” She grabs the remote and angrily turns the television off. “You just followed me like a puppy. And now you have a Dom and I...I'm going to Flesh this weekend. You should come too if you want any hope of keeping this guy around.”
The realization that she's jealous hits me like a ton of bricks. Janice. Gorgeous, funny, sweet Janice is jealous of me. She saw Lucian and she wanted him. Not the way that I want him. She wanted him as he was.
“Why is this all coming up now?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” She looks offended.
“You seemed fine after Fleshfest.”
She sighs, rubbing her brow. “I'm sorry. I think I'm just tired.”
“Maybe you should take a nap,” I gently suggest, patting her leg.
“Maybe I should.” She stands up and walks down the hall to her bedroom, leaving everything behind.
I still get the feeling that she's mad at me. The fact that she didn't even take her popcorn is a good indication of that. She wanted to get away from me as quickly as she could, and I still don't feel like I know why.
The day after Fleshfest, she told me she thought Lucian was bad. She knows everything he's put me through. I can understand if she's just being concerned, but I'm not sure that's what this is about.
I marinate on what she said for the rest of the night, on me wanting to change Lucian. It's true. I do want to change him. Is that so bad though? Maybe I'm asking for too much. Perhaps I'm even asking for the impossible.