CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
“Amy, wait!” My name is a choked sob on Janice's lips.
I want to be deaf to it. I pretend to be deaf to it, opening my closet to find my suitcase. I can't stay in this apartment any longer, not knowing what I know now. Being ignorant was blissful, though there was always the slightest hint of suspicion in the back of my mind.
There aren't many Doms at Flesh. Common sense should have told me that Janice would end up with Lucian. The part of me that truly believed she cared for me as a friend, and that he loved me, tried to pretend that there was no way possible they would do this to me. It was wishful thinking though. Reality is cruel. Everything has been cruel in my world lately. Why should this be any different?
Curse words linger on the tip of my tongue. I want to tell Janice to fuck off, but I remain silent. The goal is to be bigger than her right now. Bigger than both of them. I will gather my things and leave and never speak to either one of them again. That's the best way to handle this.
“We didn't do anything.” Janice leans against the door frame of my bedroom, tears streaming down her face in torrents.
Oh, you didn't? Really? Those marks on your body tell me otherwise.
I'd love to take my time packing, but desperation is getting the best of me. I know Janice isn't going to leave me alone. She's going to trail behind me like a puppy, crying and whining and begging for me to forgive her. Silence is the best punishment. Well, next to my permanent absence from her life.
“We didn't kiss. He didn't touch me. We just did the scene together.” She boldly takes a step into my room, standing between me and my dresser. I push past her, practically knocking her over before opening my top dresser drawer, grabbing two fistfuls of bras and underwear and returning to messily shove them into my suitcase. “You have to believe me. I knew it was wrong, but...”
But what? You wanted him so badly that you stopped caring. Pft. I know how that is. He's charming. He gets what he wants. Always. You two have secretly lusted after each other from the first time you met. Be happy. Now you can have each other. I won't be in the way anymore.
I close my suitcase, realizing that I'm leaving behind over half a dozen things that I need. I don't care anymore though. I have to get out of here before I snap. That point is so close. I feel like a rubber band wound too tightly. It's only a matter of time before I break and destroy everything around me.
I don't even bother changing my clothes. I simply slip on a pair of flip flops, grab my suitcase and my keys, and head for the door. I'll come back to get the rest of my stuff later after I've had time to cool off, whenever I know that Janice won't be home.
“Please, Amy, don't leave.” Janice clutches at my arm, but I jerk it away from her. “I never meant to hurt you.”
The tension in my jaw has built to an insurmountable level by the time I reach the front door. I've been clenching my teeth so tightly that I'm surprised they haven't shattered. My mind is screaming for me to keep my mouth shut. She wants me to break my silence. If I do, I feel like she'll win in some way. I can't help it though.
I turn to her, hatred plastered across my face like a dark mask. “You did hurt me though. You hurt me on a level I never knew I could be hurt, and I will never forgive you for it.”
***
My strength fades by the time I pull out of the apartment complex parking lot, tires screeching. I'm a mess of wracking sobs all the way to my parents' house. My heart feels broken beyond repair. It's a different feeling than anything that Lucian has put me through before. The pain is on multiple levels like my heart was made of layers of glass and someone took a hammer to each one individually. I've lost the man I love and my best friend in one night. It feels like there's not much left to lose. All I have now are work and Derrick and my parents. And things at work are shaky at best.
I know I won't feel well enough to go in to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won't matter. It's not like there's going to be anything for me to do anyway. Tyra will likely still be upset about Lucian ending his interior design contract, but I don't know if that will make it better or worse that I don't show. I'm not sure it really matters right now. I doubt I'll get fired, so I'll deal with whatever consequences calling in causes when the time comes. There's no point in me going to work if I'm just going to be a sniffling, blubbering mess all day. And I definitely would be. Lucian has officially filled his 'make Amy cry quota' for the week, as Derrick would call it. He's filled it for the last time. Topped it off to the max by fucking around with Janice. Good God, I hate them both.
My mother greets me at the door with an embrace. I cry and cry and cry. Even though she keeps asking what's wrong, I can't respond. I'm too tired to talk about it right now.
“Not tonight,” I say weakly as I pull away from her. “I just want to go to bed and forget about today.”
Thankfully, she doesn't pry. My mother is good like that, knowing when not to push me. Besides, it's getting late. My father has already gone to bed. This isn't something worth having a family discussion over.
She follows me to my old bedroom—which was converted into a guest bedroom after I first moved out—kisses me on the forehead, and leaves me alone with my demons. For a few seconds, I just stand in the doorway, looking around, wondering how things went so wrong. It's Lucian fault, of course. Or maybe it's Janice's. If I never met Lucian, none of this would have happened. But if Janice hadn't gotten me into the lifestyle, I never would have met him in the first place.
They definitely belong together, I think with a heavy sigh before closing the door behind me, setting my suitcase down, kicking off my flip flops and crawling into bed. The scent of the sheets is comforting. It smells like home. But nothing will soothe the aching in my heart. Perhaps now I'm just as damaged as Lucian is, never to be healed again. It's a disconcerting thought and one that makes me cry late into the night.
The next morning, I wake up and call in to work. Both of my parents have jobs, so I have the house all to myself. I sit in front of the television, eating a brand of cereal that's practically tasteless, and I stew. Somehow, during the night, my sorrow turned into resentment. Well, to be truthful, I resented Janice and Lucian the moment I found out they had been together. But I feel like they're both getting off easy. Lucian more so than Janice.
The sense of injustice is overwhelming. He messed up my friendships, threatened my job, and broke my heart. Calmly disappearing and letting him get away with all of it just seems wrong. That thought is amplified by watching a whole lot of Lifetime Movie Network. I'll never understand why a channel for women has a whole bunch of shows with women getting cheated on, beaten, murdered, and raped. Where's the justice in the world? How can men get away with so much, yet women can't even seem to grow a backbone most of the time without facing some type of backlash because of it? The thought makes me seethe. Even worse, it makes me plot.
Lucian is at work right now. It would be the perfect time to...what? Break into his house and destroy his precious dungeon. That sounds absolutely lovely. I know he has thousands of dollars worth of equipment in there. But this isn't worth going to jail over. And I know his home has a security system. All I'd probably have to do is tap on one of the windows and cops would be at his door in less than fifteen minutes. It's always a big deal when someone breaks into a rich guy's house.
Mark that thought off of my list of possibilities for vengeance.
Lucian said he drives himself to work most days. I could go to his practice, find the nicest car in the parking lot, and go to town on it with a baseball bat. That wouldn't take me anywhere near as long. But I have no idea what he drives, and with my luck, I'd end up accidentally targeting some celebrities car and still go to jail.
Not a good idea either.
I slump against the sofa, screwing my face at the television. If only this stuff was as easy as they make it look in the movies. Why does getting revenge have to be so difficult? All I want is a little bit of retribution for my pain and suffering, but I don't want to have to deal with the consequences of it. Is that so much to ask for?
The show I'm watching cuts to commercials. I stare at the television blankly, internally pouting at the realization that there's absolutely nothing I can do to get back at Lucian. He's won, as he always does. Fucking asshole.
But then a commercial for Home Depot flashes across the screen. I'm so lost in thought that I practically miss it. Apparently, my mind is still processing the images though, because they're running a special on a certain product, and the second that I see it, a light bulb instantly goes off inside of my head. I now know what I'm going to do. I know how I'm going to get revenge against Lucian.