CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Derrick and I are at the end of movie number three when the door slowly opens and Janice walks in. When we turn to glance at her over the back of the sofa, she seems like a deer caught in the headlights. Or more like a raccoon. The mascara she was wearing earlier has stained her cheeks. My chest instantly tightens at the realization that she's been crying. Those tears are fresh too.
“Slutzilla returns!” Derrick says dramatically.
“Derrick,” I chastise him under my breath before turning back to Janice. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” She hugs herself, taking long strides towards her room.
The fact that she didn't stop to talk to us tells me that something is really wrong.
“Looks like she got what she wanted.” Derrick smirks sarcastically.
“That's not funny. I should go check on her.” I stare at the television with worry plastered across my face.
She's my best friend. Whatever happened, I'm sure she needs to talk about it. She probably just kept walking because Derrick was here and she didn't want to disclose the gritty details to him.
“I'll be right back.” I pat Derrick on the knee before standing to go to Janice's room.
When I get there, the door is cracked open. I peek inside, my hand poised to knock. It takes everything in me not to gasp. Her trench coat is off, and there are bloody marks all over her back. To make things worse, she's sobbing quietly.
Not willing to hesitate for a second longer, I push the door open and go inside, closing it behind me so that Derrick can't hear whatever it is she has to tell me. When she turns, the front of her is no better than the back. There are cuts all over her body and tiny little dots of dried blood. Purposeful marks. Someone has taken razors, needles, and God knows what else to her body.
The look in her eyes is completely defeated. I step forward to embrace her, but she pulls away as if I'm the one who has injured her. It hurts seeing her like this. I don't really know what to do.
“Did you not have a safety word?” I ask.
“I did,” she coughs out.
“Then why didn't you use it? This is horrible.” I gesture to her body.
“I didn't want to seem like a pussy.” She grins sadly, drawing her hand up to her face to wipe her tears roughly with her palm.
“Oh, Janice.” I push her trench coat aside to sit on her bed. “You should have used your safety word.”
She walks to her dresser, staring into her mirror with her back to me. “That's not even why I'm crying.”
“Then why?” I curl my fingers around the side of her bed, trying to straighten my back. All of that slouching on the sofa with Derrick has put a crick in it.
She turns but doesn't look at me, sucking up the tears that were falling. “I don't want to talk about it right now. Not tonight.”
“Is it because Derrick's here?” I wrinkle my nose. “I don't think he can hear us.”
“No. And yes. I don't know.” She shakes her head. “Could you just give me some time alone? I want to take a shower and collect my thoughts.”
“Sure.” I stand, walking over to place my hand on her shoulder. “I'm here for you whenever you need me, alright?”
“Tch,” she grunts.
My jaw clenches as I leave her room. Part of me is upset about the way that she's acting. Even though she looks so broken, she's being cold towards me. This isn't normal at all. Still, I can't force words out of her, so all I can do is wait.
I return to the living room and sit down next to Derrick, sighing deeply. He turns to me, his previous cocky expression completely gone. Now, he looks just as worried as I was.
“Is everything alright?” he asks.
“I don't know. I don't think so.” I wrap my arms around myself.
“What happened?”
“She won't tell me.” I lean against him, trying to hide the concern etched on my face.
“Why not? Aren't the two of you best friends?” He makes it sound like it's preposterous that she won't talk to me.
“I don't know. All I know is that she's not good.” I glance back towards Janice's room to make sure she can't hear me before I whisper to him, “She's covered in marks. Not bruises. Cuts. Dozens of them. Maybe even hundreds. I didn't want to gawk for too long.”
His eyes widen in panic. “Should we take her to the hospital?”
“No. It's not that bad. Everything is mostly superficial. But there's just...a lot,” my voice trails off as I wonder what kind of monster could do that to another human being.
“Why didn't she try to get away?” I can hear the anger in his tone.
I roll my eyes. “Because she didn't want to look like a pussy.”
“Oh, that's bullshit!”
“Shhh!” I press my index finger to my lips as I hear Janice's bedroom door open.
We stay quiet until we hear her pad into the bathroom and close the door. Then we wait even longer until the sound of the showerhead tells us that she can't hear us anymore.
Derrick sits with his back pressed against the sofa, shaking his head. I can't even begin to wonder what he's thinking, but I can tell he's upset. For all of the rude playful banter that he and Janice share back and forth, they do care about each other.
“I wish there was something we could do,” I say, completely at a loss.
“Do you think I should leave?” He glances down at me sincerely.
I scrunch up my face, wanting him to stay but knowing that Janice probably won't talk as long as he's here. “It might be for the best.”
He nods. “Yeah, I thought so. Just...let me know what happened tomorrow, alright?”
“If she wants me to tell you, I will.” I stand to take the Blu-ray Disc out of the player. “Can you drop these off at Redbox on your way home?”
“Sure.” He takes the movies from me, and I walk him to the door.
The hug we share is awkward. Too tight. I can't help but wonder if it's because he's worried about Janice or if he's still thinking about what he said to me earlier about his romantic interest being genuine. It's not something I should be thinking about right now. All that matters is Janice.
“Call me if you two need anything, alright?” he says as he breaks free from the hug.
“I will.” I open the door for him, then watch as he walks out of it and leaves me alone with my thoughts.
***
It feels like forever before Janice emerges from the shower. I sit on the sofa in the living room, waiting for her, staring blankly at the television, even though it's not turned on. My mind is cycling through ways of comforting her. Perhaps I should bake a cake. She sometimes bakes me a cake when I'm upset. I'm not even sure if she's hungry though, and I am supposed to start my diet tomorrow. Baking a cake now probably isn't the best idea.
My ears perk up when I hear the bathroom door open. I immediately look down the hall, waiting for Janice to come out and join me. Instead, she makes a beeline for her bedroom, closing the door behind her.
My shoulders slump as I realize that the waiting game isn't over. I sit on the sofa for another hour before realizing that she has no intention of coming out and talking to me. Poor thing. She must be really traumatized. It's a good thing I didn't bake that cake.
Surrendering to the realization that she's not going to talk tonight, I decide to go to bed. The night is eerily solemn. I can hear Janice crying in her room, and it completely breaks my heart. More than anything, I wish there was something that I could do for her. She won't let me help her though. Maybe this is one of those things that only time can heal. She'll talk to me when she's ready. I have to believe that. After all, we're best friends.
***
The night is restless. It's almost one o'clock in the morning before Janice stops crying. Even after that, sleep comes in waves. I have nightmares about some faceless man beating her. Then he turns to me and I get the same treatment. I feel physical pain in my dreams, which makes things worse. The guy keeps cutting me, and I can't get away from him. All I can do is cry and scream and beg. It's to no avail though. Then when I finally do see his face, I realize that he's a monster and not a man. Some demon. That makes the dream all the more terrifying.
I wake up in a cold sweat and quickly eat breakfast and start getting ready for work to distract my mind. When I look at my cell phone, Lucian still hasn't responded to my text message. I sigh. One step forward, two steps back. Just as I told Derrick.
I don't want to worry about that now though. I'm still too busy thinking about Janice. Hopefully, she'll talk to me tonight. Hell, I'll just be happy if she doesn't avoid me.
I head in to work with my mind focused on everything but work. I honestly don't expect Lucian to have responded to any of my emails, so I'm not even going to bother caring about it. Not today. Perhaps tomorrow. He'll come around eventually, as he does with all things.
I walk into the office, and as soon as Derrick sees me, he stands to come meet me at my desk. “Did she talk to you?”
“No.” I shake my head. “After you left, I waited up for her. As soon as she came out of the bathroom, she went back into her bedroom and never came out. I ended up going to bed late and not getting much sleep.”
“I can tell.” He bends slightly. “You've got bags under your eyes.”
“I ran out of good concealer and had to switch over to my cheapie backup.” I frown though it quickly goes away when I think about the time that Lucian used concealer on his lip to cover up where I bit him. Maybe I should have called him this morning and had him run some over. It's a silly thought, but it lifts some of the grimness from my day, so I'm appreciative of it.
Tyra walks out of her office, staring at us with a hard expression. “Good, you're both here. Can I see you in my office?”
Derrick and I look at each other, and my nerves go on high alert.
“Sure,” we both say at the same time before following her into her office.
“Close the door.” She gestures back to us, and Derrick obeys, closing the door before coming to stand beside me.
Tyra rounds her desk, sitting down in her office chair and lacing her fingers next to her keyboard. Her eyes are fixed on some unknown spot. I can feel tension radiating off of her.
“What's this about?” Derrick asks hesitantly. It's obvious by his tone that he's picking up the same vibes that I am from her.
She gazes up at us with a defeated expression. “I got off the phone with Doctor Reddick a little while ago.”
My heart sinks, and I glance over at Derrick. We're both fearing the worst, but I refuse to believe what common sense is telling me.
“And?” The muscles in Derrick's jaw tighten.
“He canceled his contract.” Tyra sweeps her hand across her desk though I don't see what she's trying to clear off.
“Damn it!” Derrick stomps his foot and turns. I can see his chest heave with anger, and it makes me want to cower.
“Exactly. Damn it,” Tyra parrots slowly. “I think you both know what that means.”
“Yeah.” Derrick shakes his head, the movement so stiff that it looks like his neck could snap.
“No bonus?” I ask naively.
“No bonus,” she replies. “You're both dismissed, and you can both leave at noon today. I don't foresee you having any work.”
Derrick takes off for the door, too upset to stand there any longer. The sound of the door slamming behind him makes me jump.
“Do you have any idea what went wrong?” I can feel Tyra peering up at me.
“No, ma'am.” I thread my fingers together.
“Well, at least we're getting partial payment for the work that you guys did. It's not a complete loss,” she sighs, leaning back in her chair.
“That's good to hear, ma'am.” I briefly chew my bottom lip, wondering what could have made Lucian cancel his contract. He knows how important this is to me.
“You're dismissed.” She waves at the door, turning her attention to her computer.
I scurry out of her office, knowing that Derrick will be waiting for me. I wish I had more time to mentally prepare for it, but we don't always get what we wish for.
By some miracle, Derrick has already returned to his desk. He's sitting with his head in his hands, probably stewing. When he looks up at me, I quickly turn away and make my way to my own desk, booting up my computer to check my email.
Inside, I feel a jumble of emotions. This is not a good time for Lucian to pull this shit. I'm angry and hurt, but I'm also having a hard time focusing on that because I'm worried about both Janice and Derrick. Derrick will blame this on me, at least for a while. I know him well enough. He'll say that this is my fault for getting involved with a client. And he would be right. It is my fault. If Lucian and I had never become intimate, his contract probably would have been finished a long time ago. There wouldn't have been any drama attached to it.
I pull out my cell phone and type a quick message to Lucian. “What gives?”
Then with nothing better to do, I stare at my phone and wait. I'm not just waiting for him to respond though. I'm waiting for Derrick to approach me and let me have it. This is going to be a day from hell, for sure. And to make things worse, I still have to deal with Janice when I get home.
“Fuck,” I whisper, setting my elbow on my desk and resting my forehead on my hand. Perhaps if I look as stressed out as Derrick does, he'll take it easy on me.
My nerves are on edge, and despite the fact that I'd like to make a full eight hours worth of pay, I'm glad that Tyra is sending Derrick and I home early. Sitting at work when I feel like a train wreck isn't any fun, especially when there's nothing to distract my mind.
After about an hour of no response from Lucian, I head to the bathroom to call him. Naturally, he doesn't answer. We're definitely back at this again. Liar. He said he wouldn't avoid me anymore. I wish he'd respond in some way. I don't even know what this all means, and it's driving me insane.
Knowing that I'll have to deal with Derrick eventually, I decide to take my misery in one quick dose and head over to his desk once I'm out of the bathroom. He gazes up at me with a look of contempt, as if I'm the one who told Lucian to cancel his contract.
“What do you want?” he half-barks, half-groans.
“I figured you'd want to talk about this.” I shift my eyes to our other co-workers, making sure that no one is listening in.
“What's there to talk about? Your douche boyfriend did something douchey. Neither of us should be surprised. He was probably just trying to fill his Make Amy Cry Quota for the week. Did it work?” He gazes up at me, but my eyes aren't watering.
“Listen.” I kneel down next to his desk. “I don't know what's going on either. He's not answering my phone calls or texts.”
“I'm shocked!” The sarcasm in his expression is beyond apparent. He's starting to piss me off, but I know that I have to keep control of myself or else it will cause even more problems.
“Maybe he had an emergency.” Even I can't make myself believe that one.
“Whatever, Amy. What's done is done. I hope you've learned your lesson from this.”
“My lesson?” I knit my brow.
“Not to sleep with clients.” He bobs his head as if the answer was obvious.
“Oh, yeah, of course.” I roll my eyes. “Because I have such a bad habit of banging every client we come into contact with.”
“Listen.” He holds his hand out to shut me up. “I don't want to argue with you anymore. Just give me space, okay. I'm understandably pissed off right now.”
“I know.” I stand, sighing. “I'm sorry, Derrick. I truly am. Had I known this is what would happen, I never would have messed with him.”
“I highly doubt that,” he mutters under his breath.
The angry part of me wants to counter, but I know I should just let him win this one. He does have every right to be angry. We've been working on Lucian's interior design project forever, and for him to just rip it away from us...
“At least we're getting partial payment,” I tell him, sounding hopeful. “So it wasn't a complete waste of time.”
“You mean that Environ Design is getting partial payment.” He glares at me with daggers in his eyes. “That doesn't mean shit for us.”
I nod, giving up. Nothing will make him happy right now. I'm not sure why I even tried.
Defeated, I return to my desk to stare at my phone some more. The heaviness of everything going on is suffocating, and I can't wait for noon to come so I can go home and crawl into bed and just sleep the rest of the day away. I'm to the point where I don't want to think about anything. Not Lucian or Janice or the interior design contract. I just want to be selfish and hide away in my cupcake pajamas and pretend like today never happened.
***
Janice's car is in the apartment complex parking lot when I get home. I was kind of hoping I had missed her, that maybe she had left for work early or something. I don't know. I just don't want to deal with her right now, not when I'm feeling so low.
I drag myself inside and am happy to find the living room empty. Janice is still holed up in her room, which either means that she's upset or getting ready for work. It gives me the chance to sneak into my bedroom.
I change into my cupcake pajamas and crawl into bed for a nice long nap though I keep my phone by my side in case Lucian decides to call me. I know he's still at work, so I shouldn't hope for a response anytime soon.
The numbness I'm feeling inside helps to lull me to sleep. That's the glorious thing about depression. It can make you sleep hard and long.
It's a good three hours before I wake up, and I feel every bit as exhausted as I did when I first laid down. The body can be strange like that at times. Still, I'm grateful for the escape from reality.
I pull myself out of bed and decide to bake a cake. Screw my diet. Lucian is being a dick. I think I deserve some cake, and I'm sure that Janice would appreciate me making it as well.
With a lazy smile on my lips, I emerge from my bedroom, my bare feet dragging across the carpet. When I'm halfway down the hall, I hear the television, and my heart sinks. Then Janice comes into view, curled up on the sofa hugging her legs. All she has on is a long band t-shirt and a pair of underwear. She turns to me, looking startled and a bit disappointed.
“I thought you were at work.” Janice leans forward to grab the remote and turns off the television.
My gaze instantly falls to her arms, to the tiny cuts there. They look better now that the blood has dried. Not so horrific.
When she stands up to leave, I hold my hand out to stop her. “You're fine. I'm just going to make a cake.”
“I'm fine?” She raises an eyebrow as if that was a stupid thing for me to say.
“No work today?” I ask as I make my way to the kitchen.
She settles back on the sofa. “I called in. I'm in too much pain to be on my feet all day doing all of that moving around.”
“That makes sense. You looked to be in pretty bad shape last night.” I open the pantry to pull out a box of chocolate cake mix.
“I am in bad shape. And so are you, judging by the pj's.” She nods towards me.
“It was a rough day. Lucian canceled his interior design contract.” I set the box on the kitchen counter and open one of the cabinets to pull out a mixing bowl.
“Oh,” she doesn't sound the least bit surprised.
“Yeah. I still don't know why. I texted and called him, but he hasn't answered. I think that maybe he's mad at me, but I have no clue why.” I try to shrug it off. Just talking about Lucian is making me depressed again. This is one of the reasons why I wish she wasn't here. I don't really feel like talking. I just want to eat my cake and forget everything.
Janice doesn't say anything. She just stares at the television screen while I mix and pour the cake. The silence is awkward, but I'm thankful for it.
After I put the cake in the oven, I come to join her on the sofa. When I lean over to pick up the remote, she grabs my wrist. Her grip is firm, and the sudden action catches me off guard. I glance over at her, confused.
“We need to talk,” she tells me, and her eyes have that serious look in them that says something is very wrong.
I lean back, feeling my body begin to tense. “Alright, talk.”
“I don't know how to say this. I don't even know where to begin. You're going to be so mad at me.” Her gaze shifts to the ceiling.
All of the horrible feelings I was trying to push down surge to the surface. I already know what this is about. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. Hopefully, I'm wrong. I'm probably not though. I've never seen Janice look more guilty in all the time that I've known her.
I wait for her to continue, but she doesn't. She simply sits there, staring at the ceiling as if she's praying for forgiveness. Every passing second is excruciating. My nerves feel like they're on fire with anger and an overwhelming sense of betrayal.
“Did you fuck him?” I ask quietly. Part of me doesn't want the answer, but I know that I need it. I need to hear it so that I can hate them both. So that I can fall apart and scream and throw shit.
“No.” She shakes her head, finally allowing it to fall.
I suck in a breath between clenched teeth. “But he did this to you.”
“Yes.” She wraps her arms around herself. Her voice is unsteady and I can see the tears forming in her eyes. I can't feel sorry for her though.
Everything in me wants to rage. It would be so easy for me to lash out at her right now. I want to choke her and punch her and be dramatic. Ask her why. Cry like a lunatic. The anger is definitely there, but it has transcended anything I've ever felt before.
The two people I care about the most. I don't know what they did together. I know some of it, just by looking at Janice. But oddly, I don't care to know the rest. And then the realization hits me. I don't care. I don't care about Lucian. I don't care about Janice. They could both catch on fire, and I wouldn't piss on them to put them out. Neither one of them matters to me anymore. Not one bit. It's as if something inside of me has broken and part of my soul has slipped out, the part that has any compassion for those who have stabbed me directly in the heart.
I stand abruptly, turning from Janice to go to my room.
“Where are you going?” she sobs.
“I'm leaving,” I reply plainly. “I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back.”