CHAPTER TEN
“So, sugar lips, were you able to keep the kitten in the cattery?” Derrick's words are full of mockery, as if he expects me to have slipped up, which I did.
I push my keyboard aside and rest my head in my arms, groaning. I can't even look at him, I'm so guilty.
“Well?” He nudges my back.
“Can we not talk about this?” I lift my head up and rub my face with my hands, not caring that I'm smearing my makeup.
All morning, I've been a blubbering mess. You'd think that sleeping with an incredibly hot guy would bolster my self-confidence. Not me though. I'm a weirdo. Everything going through my mind is negative.
Was I so desperate that I couldn't resist Lucian? How could I not see that all he wanted was sex? I knew this would screw me up emotionally, and yet I did it anyway. I deserve to feel like this. Like a worthless slut.
“It looks like you had a late night.” He frowns at me.
“Don't you have a job to do?” I snap, not wanting to deal with him.
I expect Derrick to recoil and go back to his desk, but instead, he kneels beside me, his expression sympathetic. “Hey, Amy.” He waits until I turn to look at him before he continues, “I'm sorry. It's honestly none of my business. I just want to make sure you're okay. Because you don't look okay.”
All of my emotions surge to the surface in a flood, and I allow him to see the tears running down my face. My voice is a hushed whisper as I break down in front of him. “Oh, Derrick. I'm not okay.”
He stands and pulls me into his arms before I have a chance to fall into a fit of sobbing. Then he helps me to my feet and walks me to the front of the building. It's a kindness. Already, my other co-workers are looking at us. When you work in such a small space, everyone knows everyone's business, and this isn't something I want everyone knowing about.
Once we get outside, the tears really begin to flow. Derrick holds me until the heaving subsides, rubbing my back gently. His cologne smells expensive, and I instantly begin to worry about crying on the designer suit he's wearing today. As soon as I've sucked up my emotions, I pull away from him, quickly wiping my eyes.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” he asks.
“I guess going over to Lucian's house by myself and not jumping on his dick was more of a feat than I thought,” I laugh awkwardly, thinking back to the time when I thought it was a load of crap that Derrick didn't trust me to be alone with Lucian.
“It was the eyes, wasn't it?” He wrinkles his nose at me, trying to be funny. Somehow, it works.
“Definitely the eyes.” I nod, thinking of Lucian's ghostly pale eyes.
“Well.” He takes a step away from me. “You obviously wanted to sleep with him, or else you wouldn't have. So tell me what's really wrong?”
“You already know what's wrong.” I give him a sarcastic look. “It's everything you said. Guys like him...” I hesitate, feeling a rush of negative thoughts rake over me, causing my heart to ache with pain. I don't want to say what I'm about to, but I know it's true. “Guys like him aren't interested in girls like me. Not in the way I want them to be.” My gaze falls to Derrick's white slip-on loafers.
“Oh, that's nonsense.” He rolls his eyes. “Just because Johnny Vampire is a hoebag doesn't mean you're not worthy of a man his equal. Not all men are pricks, I promise you. And you're perfectly beautiful and amazing. That asshat would be lucky to have someone like you. He just can't see past his dick to realize it.”
“Johnny Vampire?” I let out a snigger. That whole mini-speech was filled with adorable ridiculousness. This is why I love Derrick so much. He knows exactly how to cheer me up.
“He looks like that one guy. You know, from that show?”
“Yeah.” I shake my head. “That one guy. Right. But anyway, I feel better now. I think we can go back inside.”
Derrick grabs my arm before I have a chance to head through the door. I turn to him, a bit startled.
“What are you going to do now, Amy?” His voice is all seriousness.
I sigh, knowing what he's talking about. Lucian expects that I'll give in to him from now on. I'm pretty much at his mercy, and I don't doubt that he'll advance on me again. As Derrick said before, my new relationship with Lucian puts both me and the company in a bad position. At this point, if I refuse him, he could very easily pull out of the contract. Things aren't just about the job anymore.
“Let's just say, I hope we can stay friends if I get fired over this.”
***
The day is long, partially because I spend most of it stuck inside of my head and partially because I keep obsessively checking my email for something from Lucian. After I send him a few different furniture selections that I picked out for his bedroom, I wait and wait and wait. There's nothing. No response.
When I don't hear from him by noon, I start finding myself staring at Tyra's office door, waiting for her to come out and tell me that Lucian requested another private meeting with me. She doesn't though. In fact, I barely see her all day. If she has any news about Lucian, she doesn't seem interested in sharing it with me or Derrick.
My thoughts culminate into a horrendous headache since my brain just won't take a rest. Lucian. Lucian. Lucian. He's all I can think about.
Does he like the furniture I picked out? Has he had time to look at it yet? Where did he go last night? Why was he hiding those pictures from me? Is he bored of me already? Will I really be able to resist him if he advances on me again? What will I say to him when we see each other next?
By the time my shift is over, I'm every bit as depressed as I was when I came in to work this morning. Lucian didn't contact me at all, and that just feels weird, like something is wrong.
It's strange driving home, knowing that I have the rest of the afternoon to myself. For the past two nights, I've been with Lucian. Been with him in a very physical way. Not seeing him today makes me feel things between us might actually be over. It's an unrealistic thing to hope for though. He has a career and a life outside of working on redecorating his home. More than likely, he just got too busy to interact with me today. I should think nothing of it, but it stays at the forefront of my mind.
Luckily, Janice has the night off from work, so I have something to distract me. She's sitting on the sofa in our living room when I get home, watching some sappy love story that I've seen at least a dozen times before but can't remember the name of. Just seeing the happy couple on the screen makes my heart ache. I'll never have that. Love like that doesn't really exist anymore.
“Hey, Amy.” Janice glances at me from over the sofa as I set my purse down on the bar. “How was work today?”
“It was work,” I sigh, retreating to my room to change into something more comfortable.
Dread spears at me with the realization that Janice will probably want to talk about my new love interest at some point tonight. If I'm lucky, the movie will keep her entertained, and she'll forget all about it. Maybe I should just stay in my room. That wouldn't work though. Then she'd really know that something was wrong with me.
I put on a footed pair of fleece pajamas with cupcakes printed on them. It's the pair I always wear when I want to feel secure. My mom bought them for me a few years ago, and they quickly became one of my favorite things to wear to bed at night. If Lucian could only see me now, I think with a sneer. Maybe I'm not even mature enough to handle a man like him. Obviously. Otherwise, I wouldn't be taking this so hard.
I peek around the corner before waddling out into the living room, knowing full and well that Janice is going to make fun of me for my childish appearance.
“Oh Lord.” She tosses her head back in amusement when she sees the pajamas. “It must have been a tough day for you to be wearing those.”
“Hey, now, you know these are my favorite pajamas.” I drop myself heavily onto the sofa next to her and cross my arms over my chest defensively.
“Should I go bake us a cake?”
My stomach grumbles at just the mention of cake. A little voice inside of me, however, says no. It's like I can see the angel on my shoulder smacking me on the nose with a wooden spoon. You don't need to get any fatter. I ignore it and go with the devil's response, the part of me who is trying desperately to no longer give a crap about Lucian Reddick. “That would be lovely.”
“Chocolate?” she asks, as if she even needs to. Who in the hell ever wants to eat white cake when they're feeling down?
“You know me so well.” I give her knee a playful squeeze before she stands to head to the kitchen.
“Need any help?” I ask over my shoulder, already knowing she'll say no.
“Nope. Just turn the TV up a little, so I can hear it better.”
I lean over and grab the remote to turn the volume up a few clicks. While I really don't want to watch the movie, asking if I can change the channel will just queue Janice in to the fact that my problem is love related. Instead, I make a mockery of the movie inside of my head, thinking about how full of shit it is. Hopefully, she won't want to watch another romance after this one. I'm honestly not sure how much I can take before I let my bad mood shine through.
“I'm thinking of going back to Flesh,” she tells me over the sound of the television.
Flesh. Just the mention of that place makes me cringe. That's where I met him. That's when everything changed. I can't help but wonder if I had never met Lucian at Flesh if I would still be sexually involved with him now. There's no way of knowing though.
“Oh?” It's the most interest I can pretend to muster.
“Yeah. I had a lot of fun the first time I went. Besides, I think I'd like to do a few more scenes before I start looking for a Dom of my own. It might be easier to get a Dom if I'm experienced. Then again, maybe not.”
“You could probably find someone to do a scene with for free now.” I tilt my head to the side, but I don't look back at her. This is the best part of the movie, where the guy realizes he was being an idiot and goes to find the girl before she moves out of state and out of his life forever.
“I could, but I really like the professionalism at Flesh. I feel like those guys know what they're doing. I don't have to worry about ending up with some douche who is just playing pretend.”
Lucian definitely wasn't playing pretend. BDSM seems to be a big part of his sex life. I wonder if he's even capable of having normal sex.
“Well, whatever you want to do.” I shrug.
“Don't you want to go back?” Janice walks around the side of the sofa with a bowl in her hand and two spoons inside. She sets the bowl between us, sharing the leftover batter from the cake.
I take my spoon and start scraping the side of the bowl. We have a rule where we always leave enough cake batter so that we can each get at least two spoonfuls of raw cake. I think it tastes even better than cooked cake, but it's so bad for you.
“I honestly don't want to go back.”
“Why not?” She quirks an eyebrow at me. “I thought you had a good time when you went.”
“I did have a good time, but it's not something I'd want to repeat.” I keep my eyes on the bowl as I speak. “You know, I really only got into BDSM because you've been so obsessed with it. I was curious, but now my curiosity is satiated. Now I want to go back to normal relationships.”
She nods, obviously not excited that I don't want to continue the BDSM journey with her, but accepting, nonetheless. “Alright. Well, I'm glad you tried something new. I, personally, want to keep looking into it. Maybe Sir can eventually point me in the right direction to find a Dom of my own.”
“I hope it works out for you.” I smile weakly at her.
“Me too.”
We finished scraping the bowl, and she takes it back to the kitchen to put it in the sink. The scent of chocolatey decadence fills the room as Janice pulls the cake out of the oven, making my mouth water. It also reminds me that I haven't eaten since lunch. To be honest, I haven't really been hungry until now. Thinking about Lucian seems to have erased my appetite. Perhaps that's one good thing that's come out of this, though I'm sure that it's only temporary.
The movie ends, and I quickly take the opportunity to switch the channel to something else before Janice returns. Reality television is just as good as anything, watching teenagers drink and fight and have fun. This doesn't feel real either, but at least it's better than some bullshit fictitious love story.
“I didn't think you liked this stuff.” Janice screws her face at the television as she comes back to sit next to me.
“I don't, but there's nothing else on.”
“I think Meet Joe Black is coming on on channel two fifty-nine.”
“Ugh,” I groan, resting my head on her shoulder.
“What's wrong? You love Meet Joe Black.” She looks at me. Then something seems to click inside of her head. “Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Trouble in paradise already. Tell me all about it.” She pulls away and turns towards me.
Everything inside of me is fighting the urge to cry again. All I can manage to say is, “It didn't pan out.”
“What do you mean it didn't pan out? I thought he was a client of yours.”
“He is.” I rub my eye absentmindedly. “It's just...It's nothing. It turned out to be nothing. I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
Her face fills with concern, but she decides to let the subject go. “Alright. Well, if you want to talk about it, you know I'll listen. That's what best friends are for.” She smiles softly.
“I know, and I appreciate it.” My eyes flit up to meet hers.
She turns back toward the television, straightening herself. “No Meet Joe Black, then. Let's see if we can't find a show about a woman stabbing a dude to death. That should make you feel better.”
I laugh, “Really, Janice?”
“Well, I don't think we're going to find a movie about a woman cutting a guy's dick off. Those are few and far between.”
“Oh Lord.” I rest my forehead on my palm, wondering how I got blessed with such amazing friends. “When is that cake going to be ready?”