Chapter Thirty-Four
Rachel
I was sitting at the gallery, anxiously waiting for James to at least call and let me know what happened. I was worried, and there were so many different scenarios running through my mind. I was also concerned about James. I couldn’t imagine how he felt right now. Rushing to the school to figure out what was wrong with his daughter. What she hurt, was she sick? I had no idea. All I really want to do was know what was happening. I wanted to make sure she was okay. It seemed like the minutes were passing so slowly.
The phone rang and I jumped, then quickly picked it up.
“Hello?” I practically yelled into the phone, hoping it was James letting me know what was going on. It wasn’t.
“Hey, Rachel. It’s Mark Zeller; we spoke on the phone last week. I was looking to set up a meeting with James?”
“Oh, yes. Sure thing, let me just pull up his schedule,” I said. When his calendar opened on my computer, I started looking for an opening. “He’s tied up early in the week, but he’s got some time on Thursday at three if that works for you.” I said.
“Sounds good to me. I’m free then, as well,” he said, with a laugh.
I wanted to laugh along with him, but the truth was I just couldn’t. My mind was elsewhere. I was worried about too many different things. I wanted to make sure Nell was okay and still had no idea what was going on.
I scheduled him in, and we ended the call.
Then I sat there at my desk. I stared at my phone hoping that it would help the minutes pass by. I even opened up the game Candy Crush, but it felt like the more I try to distract myself, the longer it took for time to pass. I felt like I was going crazy, worried that she was hurt or sick. I didn’t know what was going on and wished that James would call and tell me. At least then I could know what was going on and maybe calm down. What if he was at the hospital right now and he was so busy in the middle of the emergency that he hadn’t had a chance to call? Those were the thoughts I was having.
A few minutes later, James finally appeared, coming into the gallery door.
“Rachel, I need to see you in my office,” he said. His voice was harsh, and I cringed. I didn’t know why, but I felt like a child that was in trouble at this point. All it did was confuse me further.
“Okay,” I said. I no idea what this was about, and I couldn’t tell if his anger was aimed at me or at Nell.
“Nell, you sit in the corner until we’re done talking,” he said, sternly.
I gave Nell a small sympathetic smile. I still wasn’t sure what had happened to her, but she didn’t look hurt or sick, just upset. I wondered if maybe it had something to do with what she’d told me the other night at their house. But it still seemed like James was mad at me, and that wasn’t making any sense. I wasn’t sure what I could have done.
Following James up the stairs and into his office, I took a deep breath. He sat down at his desk, and I took the seat across from him.
“What is going on?” I asked him.
He turned to his computer and started doing some things. I assumed he was checking in and responding to some emails that were of a little more importance. Nonetheless, I was still nervous. I wasn’t sure what was happening.
Then he stopped what he was doing, and looked at me. He still didn’t say anything; he just looked at me. The expression on this face and his body language made my stomach sink. There was something definitely wrong between us. I didn’t know what it was, but I could feel it in my gut.
“So, would you like to know why I had to pick up Nell?” he said, folding his hands over the table and leaning forward some.
“Yes, of course, I do,” I said to him, not knowing what else to say. I felt like somehow like I was the one in trouble, but I still had no idea why.
“Well, I got a call from the principal. When I got there, Nell was in her office. Do you know why she was in the principal’s office?” he asked.
I shrugged. “What? Why? How could I possibly know?”
I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. He just kept asking me questions, and that was getting us nowhere. I didn’t know if he was just drawing things out, or maybe he didn’t really know what to do with himself. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something just felt wrong, and I was beginning to feel irritated myself.
“Well, she hit another kid,” he said.
I slapped a hand over my mouth, “On purpose? Oh my God. Are you serious?”
“As a matter of fact, Rachel, I am serious. Do you know what it was like for me to have to go pick my daughter up for being a schoolyard bully?” he asked. I didn’t like the tone he was using with me, and it just made me feel even more insecure about what was going on.
“No, I can imagine that must have been terrible for you. Do you know what happened? Like why she hit someone?” I asked.
“Well, Rachel. I’m glad you asked. She hit the kid because she said you basically told her to. You might not have in so many words, but you pointed her in that direction.”
I suddenly realized why all of his anger was directed at me now, and I understood why felt so weird. He was really angry with me. He didn’t have the full story though, and he had no right to treat me that way. I folded my hands in my lap and looked down at them. I sat there and picked at the skin around my thumb, not knowing what to say.
I hated this. I didn’t want him to be upset with me. I know I should have spoke to him when Nell first told me what was going on. I thought I had gave her advice. I never intended for this to happen. I took a deep breath, trying to control the various emotions I was currently feeling.
“I did not tell her to hit another child,” I said.
“Are you sure? Because she said you did.” His voice had become cold and distant, and he kept referring to Nell as “my daughter,” as if to exclude me. This wasn’t the same James that I been falling in love with. This was a different version. I assumed it was the daddy bear version, the one that wanted to protect his daughter even if she was in the wrong. He didn’t know half of the story and wasn’t giving me a chance to explain. That was the worst part.
“Yes, I’m sure, James. You only know part of the story,” I said. “Nell came to me and was –“
“And was what?” He cut me off. My point exactly. He wasn’t giving me a chance to talk.
I wasn’t upset with Nell because it wasn’t her fault. There were things going on in her life that she just didn’t understand. There were kids being mean and obviously she took my advice too far. She misinterpreted what I meant.
“Well, she said you told her that she needs to stand up to bullies. Why would you say something like that to her?” he asked.
I looked at him. “I didn’t tell her to hit another kid. She’s being bullied at school, James. I told her she needed to stand up for herself. I didn’t think that was bad advice. I didn’t tell her to do it in a physical sense.”
“You are not her mother. You have overstepped here, badly. You have no right to give advice like that to my child.” His voice was getting louder, and he was yelling at me now. He was so angry, and taking it all out on me without even trying to see my perspective.
“I’m sorry, James—”
He cut me off, “I don’t want to hear it. You have no idea what it’s like to be a parent. So, I don’t even understand what you’re even doing trying to act like one,” he said.
What he said completely broke my heart. I had to fight back a torrent of tears. He had no idea what I’d been through my life, and he had no right to treat me that way. I had done what I thought was right because this poor girl was hurting and she didn’t want to talk to him. But I couldn’t just rat her out at this point. The details were hers to tell. I thought I was giving good advice. And now my whole world had flipped upside down, all because I was trying to help her.
“I’m sorry,” I said, quietly. “I would never do anything to hurt Nell, or you.” Then I stood up to push the chair back and walked out of his office. I didn’t look back at him because I just wanted to cry. I needed to get out of there before I burst into tears. He didn’t need to see me crying. I didn’t want that. He had hurt me badly, and I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t want an apology. I just want to be far away from him so I could cry.
When I got downstairs, I walked over to Nell. I gave her a quick kiss on the head, then I grabbed my things and left. I walked back to my house as quickly as I could, and as soon as I got through my front door, I collapsed on the floor and started crying. The tears just poured out of me, and I couldn’t seem to stop them. I felt like my entire world had been crushed. This was the end of our relationship, and I knew it.
He didn’t know what he had said to me, how deeply it had hurt me. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. No matter how much I tried to tell myself this, and explain it away, I didn’t feel any better. All I knew at this moment was that I had probably lost James and Nell.
The only thing I knew to do at that moment was to call Sadie, so I did. I dialed her number and waited while it rang, and rang, and rang. I felt like she was never going to answer the phone. All I wanted her to do was answer; I just needed to hear the voice of my best friend. I needed her advice and her guidance. I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But she didn’t answer, so with no other choice, I left a message.
“Sadie, Rachel here. I really need you right now. Something’s happened between me and James, and I feel like I—I don’t know if I can go on anymore,” I said to her. I had just gotten through the worst depression of my life. I was just starting to feel better about everything when it was all suddenly taken away from me. I was mad at myself for not talking to James that night. It was the first thing I should’ve done, and I wished more than everything that I could go back. I would’ve told him right away. We could’ve sat down together and talked with her. That might may Nell mad at me, but she would eventually get over it, right?
I didn’t even know anymore. I just felt empty and broken—all over again. The feeling was all too familiar, and I wasn’t ready to be dragged down this deep dark hole again. He had been the only light in my life. Him and Nell. It seemed like I was destined to live out my days depressed.
James had no idea how much he’d hurt me with what he said, and I guessed that was my fault for never letting him in fully. I picked up the picture of the baby girl and sat on my couch, holding it to my chest and crying.