Chapter Thirty-Eight
Shelby
"Are you okay, babe?" I asked. Jason grunted, not moving. I smoothed away the hair that was stuck to his forehead and gently kissed him there. His skin was flushed, and he looked hollow around the eyes. His breaths were short and fast, but he was asleep. He had been bad yesterday but managed to fall asleep after some Tylenol. Right next to him, asleep on his stomach, was Damien. He had ibuprofen for his symptoms, but he still wasn't feeling well enough to sleep or eat properly. I gently stroked Damien's hair.
This was my fault. They had both caught my bug. Damien had gotten it first, then Jason had gone down soon after, completely unable to sleep all of last night. He had been working so hard, trying to take care of both Damien and I, but he wasn't Superman. He had been so nauseated last night, he had spent more time on the bathroom floor than in bed. And our baby, poor Damien was already so dehydrated but could hardly take more than half his bottle at the moment. With medication, both of their symptoms calmed down enough for them to sleep for a few hours. Damien had nearly cried himself hoarse the past couple days. I hadn't meant to get them sick, but Jason had had to take care of both Damien and me, so it had just happened.
I sighed, getting up, finally feeling human after the past three days from hell. I was still a little tired and achy, but Jason was completely out, I had to do something. Drugged to the eyeballs, I cleaned up the mess of glasses and empty water bottles that had accumulated from both my and Jason's illnesses. The trash can by Jason's side of the bed was almost full to the brim with used tissues. What a mess. I took it and emptied it out, bringing it back to the bedside. Back in the living room, I cleaned up a similar mess, day old dishes and glasses of half-drunk liquid and empty pillboxes and used up blister packs. On a normal day, at a hundred percent health I would have accomplished the task in half the time but went slow, taking breaks for my achy joints. I flopped onto the couch after arranging the dirty dishes into a neat pile on one of the end tables.
Now everything needed to get washed, I thought, getting up off the couch and making the pilgrimage to the kitchen. I sighed at the number of dishes that had accumulated after a couple days of no one being well enough to do them. You think this is bad, Shel, brace yourself. I put a hand on my stomach and smiled to myself.
When I had gotten pregnant with Damien, either denial or inexperience had had me dismissing all my early pregnancy symptoms as something else. I felt tired now, but that was because I was sick. A couple weeks ago, I had started feeling weird. Fatigued even though I was getting enough sleep every night, and then there had been the spotting. I hadn't been getting my period because of breastfeeding, but I knew that that hadn't meant that I hadn't been ovulating. Jason had been pulling out when we had been having sex, but the past couple times, I hadn't even bothered to ask him to do it.
By my estimation, I was only a couple weeks, but I was going to leave that to the doctor to tell me. With no period to help me time when I should have taken the test, I had taken two this past week. The second line on the first test had shown up too light to convince me, so I had taken a second, and it had shown up positive too. I was going to wait till this bug had passed to get confirmation from my doctor, but I knew. Four months after Damien, I was pregnant again.
We hadn't planned it that way, but that was how it was happening now. I had wanted to say something after the first test. Jason had given me the ring and had promised that whatever happened with us, we'd figure it out together. I had stalled under the pretense of wanting to take that second test and now that I had and knew for sure that I was pregnant, what was I still waiting for?
I didn't want to think about it, but what if he wasn't excited? What if he wasn't ready? He had just gotten used to parenting one infant. How would he handle two under two? The thought even scared me a little. By the time this baby came, Damien would have just turned one. Another baby this soon? What were we thinking?
I mean, I knew what I was thinking, what I wanted. This baby would be our chance to do it right, do it together. None of the negativity we had had between us affected how much Jason loved Damien, but looking back, especially because we were so happy now, I wondered how our life could have looked if I hadn't moved, if he had been involved from the start and if we had had a chance at a family back then.
My worst fear was Jason being angry. If he was mad instead of happy and insisted that we couldn't keep the baby... that would probably be what split us up this time if it ever came to that. Terminating the pregnancy or giving up the baby just wasn't in the cards for me. If Jason made me choose... I didn't want him to make me. I just hoped he meant it when he said that we'd face whatever happened together.
I washed the dishes, thinking about babies and pregnancy. I hadn't had morning sickness at all with this pregnancy, but there was still plenty of time for it to develop. During my pregnancy with Damien, my ruling emotion had been fear. I had lost hours reading books and pregnancy forums online, trying to prepare for having a baby alone. My mom had been a big help, and even Davis had been there to the extent that he could have been, but I had never welcomed a baby with a supportive partner before. Because I had been so anxious, trying to adjust to a new city, new job and had been totally alone, I hadn't really gotten to enjoy being pregnant. Some people did apparently, and I was jealous. Those magic moments like feeling the baby move were probably even more special when you were excited and in love. Maybe that would be us, I thought.
I heard Jason from the bedroom, calling out to me. I turned the water off and filled a glass with ice water for him, in case he was thirsty. He was on his back when I walked into the room, groaning. I put the water on the nightstand and hurried to the bathroom. I wet a facial towel and came back into the room. I dabbed it on his forehead which was already wet with sweat. His eyes opened, and he looked at me, but I wasn't sure he could see me at all.
"Shel?" he whispered hoarsely.
"Shh," I said gently, "go back to sleep." His eyes closed but his brow was drawn like he was in pain. I dabbed the wet towel on his temples and neck before taking it back to the bathroom. I sighed, sitting on the bed next to him again. Damien was still fast asleep, but his dad wasn't faring as well. I kissed Jason's forehead, smoothing back the damp hair that stuck to his skin.
"I'm sorry for making you sick, baby," I whispered. "This is the worst part; you'll feel better after this." He groaned, turning his head towards me. I kissed him again, softly on the lips. It was so weird seeing him weak and ill. He was so fit and healthy otherwise; it just didn't make sense that he would be cut down to size by a flu bug. In another couple hours he'd be able to take some more medication, but until then, he had to tough it out.
"I need you to get better because you're going to be a dad again," I said. His jaw was stubbled from the past couple days, his hair was a mess, and he was groaning in agony on my bed in his underwear. Was now really the best time to tell him about the pregnancy? A dry run before I told him for real, when he was conscious and actually knew what I was saying to him. He probably hadn’t even heard me. I'd tell him again when he was better. I hoped he'd be happy. I left the room when I was certain he had fallen asleep again.