Chapter Thirty-Three
Jason
There was a knock at the door as I got Damien back into his onesie.
"Guess who, buddy? Who’s here to pick you up?" I said, picking him up. I threw the old diaper away on the way to get the door. Shelby beamed when she saw him, holding her arms out to take him.
"He just woke up," I told her.
"Was he okay?"
"Perfect," I told her. "What about you?" She shrugged.
"I'm okay. How was work?"
"Can't complain. Do you have time today?"
"No, not tonight," she said apologetically. "Tomorrow, maybe." I nodded, making the smart decision not to push it. We were a few days into our new routine, and it was working so far. I picked Damien up from her station around two-thirty and had him until she got off work and picked him up from my place a little after six. I got to see both of them each day. Sometimes she'd be in and out, like today; other times, we'd hang out.
I hadn't gotten lucky again, not since a few days ago, but that was okay. I mean, it could have been better. I wasn't going to turn her down when she did want to have sex, but I understood if after work all she wanted to do was get home and take a load off. The routine had added more travel and stress to her day, if you thought about it. I was just happy for the time with Damien and whatever time I got to have with her.
"It's Friday tomorrow," I said. "That means the two of you won't be in such a hurry to leave?" She laughed a little.
"We'll see; how about that?" she said.
"How does a sleepover sound?" I asked.
"Ambitious," she said sweetly. I nodded, getting it. We were taking it slow. It felt like too slow sometimes, but our circumstances were a little special. For Shelby, maybe the co-parenting thing came first, then the thing between us came second, but they weren't that different for me. They were hardly separate. I loved Damien, I loved being his dad, and I wanted her to let me love her. We were a family, and I wanted to be able to feel like it. This was how it went though. I got it. If she needed time, then she needed time.
I walked them down to Shelby's car, kissing her before she left. I hoped she could see it. I loved our son, but I didn't know sometimes whether I was getting anywhere with her. She wasn't teasing me, that wasn't it. I just hadn't tried before to have anything real with anyone. I didn't know whether I was doing it right. Did she want more or less? Talking about it the times that we had, she wanted to take it as the days came, let it happen organically. I didn't know what that meant. What up to this point had happened organically for us?
I felt like I needed an in somehow. It was frustrating, sometimes. I walked back up to my apartment, wishing she had decided to stay a little while. I just had to be cool. I knew that. I had this sick feeling that she wouldn't have any problem telling me to fuck off if I got impatient with her. You'd think I would have gotten used to us not being at the same place since we had basically never been. I had always been leaps ahead, dragging her up behind me to keep up, even when she wasn't ready. Maybe if you show her you won't be a regret for her later, she'll feel more confident about you, I thought. Show her you're going to be there for Damien no matter what, and there for her when she's ready.
Cool advice, but what did I do in the meantime? I wasn't great at waiting, even when I knew that what I was waiting for was worth it. I couldn't just wait, that was the thing. I already saw my future, mine and Shelby's together. I wouldn't push her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with, no, but I would make sure I was ready when she finally was.
It wasn't dark yet. I hurried upstairs for my keys then came back down. A search online turned up a couple jewelry stores that were still open. I mean, why not? I knew what I wanted. I hadn't even asked her anything yet, but her answer from me was yes. It would be yes until the day I died. My heart pounded trying to get to the store on time. I was their last customer when I finally arrived. It was a smaller shop, run by an Armenian family, two energetic brothers who were excited to show me their engagement ring selection when I told them what I wanted.
The classic diamond was what everyone expected, what every person looking for engagement rings typically got. Shelby was worth the biggest, most flawless rock they had, worth every cent but staring down at the selection of classic engagement rings, none of them felt like the one. A white diamond in a nice white gold or platinum band was so... normal. We were anything but. We had a kid and hadn't even been together long enough to have counted a single anniversary. Normal wouldn't cut it.
Ten minutes later, after looking through the rest of their selection, I walked out with a rose gold, braided band ring in a white jewelry pouch in my pocket, my wallet a little bit lighter. Now it was just a matter of when. That and whether she'd say yes when I asked her. I was hopeful. We had been on a steady, if slow, upward climb. Pretty soon, we'd be at the top.
I got back to the apartment, Shelby hadn't been around long enough to notice the mess. Damien had started army crawling his way along the floor when he was put down these days. The mess his toys made rarely stayed restricted to the playpen anymore. My fault since I let him out, but when I didn't, he'd just whine to be let out anyway. According to the books I had read, he was getting mobile way too early. He had hardly cut his first tooth yet, but Shel had checked with the pediatrician, and since nothing else was wrong, we had nothing to worry about. He was just in a little more of a hurry than other babies his age.
I picked up after him, making a mental note to start baby proofing some of the outlets, concealing cords and padding corners so we didn't have any accidents. After, I went to the kitchen and searched the fridge for leftovers. I was dry. I didn't feel like getting on the phone for takeout, so I turned the oven on and threw some frozen chicken and vegetables in. I had gotten used to eating alone, but it was one of those things that was generally better when you had company.
Sitting on my bed to eat instead of the table, I got my phone out and texted Shelby, asking whether she had gotten home okay. In the past few days, I had already taken over a hundred pictures of Damien on my phone. He was perfect, the cute little sounds he made, funny faces. I wanted to remember him this way since he was already growing so fast. He'd be walking soon, then next thing we'd know, he'd be starting school.
Shelby had shown me some of the pictures she had of him when he was a newborn, tiny, pink and helpless, but it wasn't the same. I wished I had been there for it. The way she told it, she had barely gone to sleep the whole first month that she had him after coming home from the hospital. They slept a lot when they were that young, but only in little bursts. Sounded like a lot of work, yeah, but that was all part of the deal. Right there with wishing I had been there for his first days, I wished I had been there for the birth. It just made sense to me to be there when your kid was being born. It would have to take a very, very good reason to miss it: disability or death. Or if you were me, pure ignorance.
There would be more chances, I thought. One more, at least. Did Shelby want more kids? It would probably be good to ask her before I started making plans for it since it would be her body doing all the heavy lifting. I had an engagement ring in my pocket for her, so maybe I'd give her that before letting her know how I felt. Damien was still an infant. She was barely four months postpartum; it wasn't time to let her know that yet. One day though. Hopefully one day, I'd get to see that.