Chapter Thirty-Six
Rachel
I hadn’t left the couch in over a day, and I was still pretty much sitting in the same spot. Still holding the picture pressed against my chest. The picture of my daughter. It was so heart-wrenching to look at it, but it was all I had left of her. I had memories, sure, but memories faded. This picture was all I had left that was tangible, and it provided me comfort when I really needed it.
My eyes were swollen almost completely shut. I’d done nothing but cry for the last day, and I didn’t even bother calling James to let him know I wasn’t coming in to work. I felt there was no point. Why should I call when he obviously wouldn’t want me there? His reaction had made me feel so low, strangely, even lower than before I’d met him. I didn’t know if I was ever going to come back from this.
There was a knock at my door; it startled me. I grumbled under my breath and got up off the couch. After checking the peephole, I saw that it was Sadie. She had called me back last night, but we only talked for a couple minutes because I couldn’t talk. There was no point. I had been so distraught, she couldn’t understand what I was even saying.
Opening the door, I said, “Hey,” and stepped back to let her in. I went back to my spot on the couch, and she came on inside.
“Hey, Rach. I thought we could go get some lunch.” She was far too cheery for me, to the point of being irritating. It was crazy to me how quickly I’d fallen right back into a deep depression. All it took was one little setback, and I was quickly swept right back into this deep dark hole. A place I hadn’t been able to get out of before. If it hadn’t been for James and Nell, I would have never gotten out of it. And now I didn’t even think I had them anymore, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
“I don’t want to go to lunch, Sadie,” I said to her.
Sitting down next to me on the couch, she picked up the picture my daughter and gave it a kiss. She often did this, and it had always warmed my heart when she did it.
“I know, Rach, but we’re going to do it anyway,” she said. “I want to make sure you’re okay and not slipping into a bad place. And I want to know what happened. I couldn’t hardly understand you last night.”
“I think James and I are done.” It was all I could get out before I was a blubbering mess once again. The tears just poured out of my eyes, though I was surprised I even had any left after all the tears I had shed in the last twenty-four hours.
Sadie patted my back, “Why do you think that?” she said. “What happened?”
“Nell was being bullied at school; remember me telling you?” Once I had calmed down a bit, we could actually have a real conversation.
“Yeah, of course, I remember. What happened?”
“Well, I told her to stick up for herself,” I said. I had to pause for a moment, otherwise, I was going to start crying all over again.
“And? What’s so wrong about that?” Sadie asked, sounding very confused. She was probably feeling the same way that I was yesterday when James had me sitting in his office.
“Well, she did, in spades. She hit another child,” I said.
“Oh boy, so she hit the kid that was bullying her?” Sadie asked.
“Yep, that’s what she did, and James had to go pick her up at school. When he came back, he was furious, and he yelled at me. He told me I had no right, that I wasn’t her mother. That I had no business giving her advice, because I had no idea, because I w-wasn’t a p-parent.” I could barely get the last few words out, and once I did, I surrendered myself into another fit of hysterical sobbing.
My heart was so broken, and James didn’t even know what he had done. I didn’t even know if I could forgive him, even if he did try to come talk to me. I knew it wasn’t his fault completely; he was just trying parent his daughter the best he could on his own. He had no idea what I’d been through. Maybe if I would have told him, he wouldn’t have said it. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so cold and angry. I know at some point I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it still hurt so badly.
Sadie gave me a hug and then I agreed to get ready so we could go to lunch. She said she wasn’t letting me slip away again. I got up off the couch; I wasn’t sure how I did it, but I did. I went into the bathroom and into a hot shower. I cried the whole time I was in the shower, but quietly so Sadie wouldn’t hear. I let the sounds of the water cover it up. After that, I wiped away my tears and got myself dressed and straightened up. Finally ready, I met Sadie back in the living room.
“Shall we?” Sadie asked, heading towards the door.
I nodded my head and followed my friend outside and down to her car, then she drove to a restaurant on the other side of town. One I hadn’t been to in a very long time.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” Sadie said.
“Thank you for dragging me out,” I paused, “I guess.” That made Sadie laugh, and she gave me a kind smile. I didn’t feel much like laughing, though. Because I was telling the truth. I wasn’t certain I wanted to be out of the house. Broken-hearted, I wasn’t ready to face the world. I just wanted to sit on my couch, yet I knew I couldn’t give in to that feeling and let myself slip back into despair again. I’d made so much progress; I couldn’t just let it go.
“I’m serious, Rachel. You need this. You can’t just be moping around your house. We know that’s not going to make anything better. Do you really think you and James are breaking up?” she asked.
I shrugged, and we dropped the subject as a waiter came over to take our orders. Once we were done, he walked away, and we resumed our conversation.
“I’m really not sure, Sadie. But, I think we might be. He was so angry, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I didn’t go to work today either, so I might have lost my job as well.”
“Do you really think he would do that?” Sadie asked.
“I wouldn’t have thought so, no. But the thing is, I’m not sure now,” I said. “When this all happened, he was so different; he was so cold and angry, it was like I didn’t even know him. Then when he got so mean, and said those hateful things, it seemed like I didn’t even know him after all. If only he would have taken a moment to listen to what I had to say, maybe things would have been different.”
I cleared my throat, “How are things with you and the art guy?” I asked her.
“They’re going good. I’m seeing him again,” she said. “He works with James. Do you know him?” She asked.
“I figured it out when you were talking about the piece of art work he sold. I was at that art show, I helped set it up.” I said with a laugh.
She cringed. “I didn’t put two and two together until last night. It just hit me out of nowhere.” I laughed with her.
“I didn’t want to say anything, just in case I was wrong. He was kind of a player before, but you seemed to have changed him so much. I’m really happy for the two of you.”
She smiled at me. “Thanks, Rachel.”
We ate lunch together, which was really great, and then argued over who was going to pay the check. Finally, she took it, and I lacked the energy to chase her down. Then she drove back to my house, and as we got there, I saw a familiar car. James was waiting outside of my front door. I looked at Sadie, and she nodded her head, telling me to just go ahead.
“I’m going to leave you alone so you can talk to him,” she said. “Good luck, sweetie.
I nodded my head, told her thank you, and got out of the car. Then I made my way over to James. I didn’t want to walk over there, but I had no other choice. It was the only way I could get into my house for one thing, but I wanted to avoid him. I didn’t want to have this conversation, not now. The pain was still too fresh. But I was curious and wondered why he was there.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
I nodded my head and unlocked the front door, then the two of us went inside. He sat down on the couch.
“I am so sorry, Rachel. I had no idea. Derek, he told me about your daughter,” he said. He was looking down at his hands and didn’t even want to make eye contact with me. I could tell he was terribly upset ashamed about what he had said to me.
Fresh tears welled in my eyes, “It’s okay. You didn’t know. I should have told you by now.”
“May I ask what happened?” he asked.
I nodded my head. It was a difficult story to tell, but I knew I needed to do it. I took a deep breath, “My daughter, she had cancer. She passed away right after her first birthday,” I said quietly. I took another deep breath. This really was emotionally wearing. I hadn’t talked about it in so long, and this fight with James had brought back all the emotions.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” he said. His hand was on my back, and I hadn’t even realized it. The whole time I spoke, he had been rubbing it gently.
“But I should,” I said. “My husband, ex-husband now, he blamed me for her getting cancer, and said I didn’t do enough to help her.”
“That’s the reason you divorced?” he asked.
I nodded my head as tears began to roll down my face. James pulled me into him and held me, but it only made me cry harder. I wrapped my arms around him. It felt so good to have him holding me. I was so glad that he came by to apologize. So glad that we had this talk. But it hurt to talk about these things, and I’d never thought I would tell him. But, I guess it was a good thing that I did. These were things that he needed to know if we were going to continue to have a relationship.
“Rachel, I am so sorry. So sorry. I don’t know what to say. I was so upset about Nell and confused when she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Then when I found out she’d hit someone based on your advice, I just flipped. I’m just so sorry,” he said, the tears streaming down his face.
“I just found out today what it was all about, the bullying. I wish she would have told me.”
“Shhh, James; do you know why she didn’t want you to know? Why she swore me to secrecy? I know now that I shouldn’t have agreed to that. That was a terrible mistake, and I’m sorry.”
“So you know? Why? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. Why wouldn’t she trust me with this?” he asked, the subject getting him agitated all over again.
Trying to calm him down, I touched his face. “James, it was never about trust. It was about protection. She wanted to spare you because the subject of her mother makes you sad.”
His tears multiplied, and we just cried together for a bit, safe in each other’s arms. When he apologized again, I tried to reassure him.
“It’s okay, James. You didn’t know.” I said. “I didn’t give you the chance to know.” The two of us were very emotional. “I forgive you,” I said. I wanted to make sure that he knew I forgave him. “You were responsible for saying them, but you weren’t responsible for why they hurt so badly.” I didn’t want him to keep thinking I was upset with him in any way.
“I don’t want to lose you, Rachel,” he said.
I grabbed his face with both my hands and kissed him. “I don’t want to lose you either,” I said to him.
“Nell can’t afford to lose you, either. She loves you so much, and she needs you, more than I knew,” he said.
“What ended up happening?” I asked him.
“Once Principal Williamson got the full story out of Nell, she didn’t get in trouble. I think the bully will be getting some time away from class for some counseling,” he said.
I let out a deep breath that I hadn’t noticed I’d been holding and gave him a smile. “I’m glad she’s going to be okay, and that she didn’t get in trouble,” I said to him.
“What you told her to do, it was great advice; she just misunderstood. I am sorry for the way I reacted,” he said.
“No, you were right. She is your child, and I should have spoken to you about it. I just didn’t want to break that tenuous trust between us. I wanted her to think that I was someone safe that she could be really open with,” I said.
“I want that too. If she doesn’t want to talk to me about some things, I’m glad she can talk to you. But can we work on things together? I’ll protect the confidence and won’t say anything, but I just need to know what’s going on with her,” he said.
I nodded my head.
“We need you in our lives, Rachel, and not just for Nell. I need you.”
It was the most touching thing he had ever said to me, and it meant the world to me. Leaning in, I kissed him one more time, and he held me. I felt much better about the way things were going now and was instantly pulled out of my deep dark place. I was happy, again.