Chapter Thirty-Four
Olivia
As the reception dragged on, I started to feel more and more exhausted. It didn't help that I hadn't been sleeping well these past few days. I couldn't help but remember how well I had slept in Eric's arms, how gentle he'd been with me. But he seemed intent on not letting that happen again. I knew it was just that he thought I was in love with someone else, but I didn't know how to communicate to him how badly I needed him to comfort me.
It also didn't help that my heels were digging into my feet. I only had one pair of black shoes, and they weren't the most practical ones for standing around in all day. I regretted wearing them, but everything had happened so fast, and there hadn't been time to go out and find another pair. It was difficult and taxing enough to try to find a dress that fit me. It sounded stupid, but the process of shopping for a black dress that I could wear to my mom's funeral had reduced me to tears more than once, and I had a feeling it was going to be a while before I could face another changing room.
I grimaced just thinking about it.
On top of all that, there was also the emotional wear of the day. The ceremony had been beautiful, but hearing all those stories about Mom during her better times had been taxing. She'd been such a wonderful mother, neighbor, colleague, teacher. It was hard to believe that a couple of her students who had been in her classes over a decade ago, and whom she'd kept in close contact with, had cared so deeply for her that they had shown up to her funeral. They'd all had kind words to say about her.
Now, having to thank everyone for coming was adding to my stress. It seemed as though the whole town had turned out, and rather than saying a blanket 'thank you' to all of them, I felt obligated to thank each and every one of them personally. Mom had always been a stickler for etiquette. Not that I knew what proper etiquette was when it came to a funeral.
Nor did I know how much longer I could hold it together. It seemed like they were all watching me carefully, as though I were a fragile piece of glass. Everyone was expecting me to break down at any moment. I tried to hold it together, as best as I could, but I had a feeling I was going to need to excuse myself to the restroom soon, to have a moment to myself.
I had to get through the event. I'd give myself just a moment in the restroom, and then I'd come right back out.
Suddenly, just as I made that decision and started to move toward the door, Eric appeared beside me, his hand warm against my elbow as he steered me outside. “What's going on?” I asked him, shocked that he had come to speak to me at all. From the way he'd been looking at me in the reception hall, I had thought that he wasn't going to, especially not after he'd seen Buck come up and give his condolences.
“I'm taking you home,” Eric said gruffly, steering me toward his car.
“But I haven't finished thanking everyone,” I protested.
“I'm sure they'll all understand,” Eric said exasperatedly. Then, his tone softened as he gave me a searching look. “You look like you're about to collapse. When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
I winced, a guilty look stealing across my face, but he just smiled gently at me. “Come on,” he said. “I know Christina and Margaret, and some of your mom's other friends, arranged to have food sent directly to your place rather than to the reception. I'm sure you'll feel better once you get something warm into you. I noticed you didn't touch the buffet at the reception.”
He opened the car door for me, and I sighed and collapsed into the seat as though all my strings had been cut. I knew that I should eat, but I didn't really feel like it at the moment. Nor did I feel like fighting him on it, though. I was just grateful to him for getting me out of there, whatever the reason.
The first thing I did was bend down and take off those shoes. Eric smiled at me as he got in, watching what I was doing. But he didn't comment, instead driving silently back to my house. I concentrated on my breathing, trying my best to not go to pieces on him again.
I wanted to ask him why he was doing this, why he had again come to my rescue, just like he had at the hospital. But I didn't want to hear that it was just his duty as a doctor to make sure that I got home okay, that I didn't faint with exhaustion.
Some secret part inside of me wanted it to be more than just kindness spurring him on. Some secret part of me wanted to know that he was here because he loved me as much as I loved him.
I blushed, hardly believing that I had even thought those words to myself. Not now, not at such an inappropriate time. Besides, Eric had made it clear that he couldn't love me. He didn't even believe that the baby was his.
Back at the house, he again led me inside. He sat me down on the couch. “I'm going to go get you a glass of water,” he said gently. He grinned. “I'd get you something stronger, but I wouldn't want it to have any negative effect on our baby.”
I stared incredulously up at him, wondering if I had just heard him correctly. Wondering if that was just a Freudian slip. “Our baby?” I asked.
Eric looked momentarily stricken and then sat down next to me on the sofa, moving carefully, as though he was afraid of frightening me. He ran a hand back through his hair. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath. “I know that this is the last thing that you want to talk about right now.”
“What is?” I asked, confusion flaring inside of me.
“I have to apologize to you,” he said quietly. “I know that this isn't the right timing, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for doubting you, and for believing other people over you. I thought that what I overheard Buck saying at the gas station was true, even though you told me multiple times that you had never slept with him, and even though there was no reason for you to lie about it.”
He looked down at his hands, carefully considering his words. “Buck came up to talk to me at the reception, not long after he talked to you. He said he feels really bad for having lied about the two of you being together. Apparently, Georgia Witherspoon was behind all of it,” he continued. “She paid Buck to say those things, and Buck knew about the tattoo because of some photo of you and Jeannie on a beach. I should never have believed him, and I feel so stupid.”
I stared at him, not sure what he expected me to say. Was I meant to tell him that it was all right? It had felt like my heart had been shattered the day that he'd refused to believe that it was his baby. I couldn't forgive him just like that.
Despite the fact that it felt so right to hear him say those two simple words: 'our baby.'
“Georgia has been angling to land me ever since Emily died,” Eric said. “I'm sure you know that; everyone in this whole town knows that. I just never realized that she'd go that far with it. I didn't think that she could sink so low.” He paused. “Do you ever think that you'd be able to forgive me?”
I stared down at my hands, twisting my fingers around one another, still not sure what to say. I felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened over the course of that week. And there was so much to think about, in the future. If he didn't trust me, if Georgia's meddling had managed to break us up before we had even really had a relationship, what kind of future did that foretell for us?
As much as I wanted to believe that we could put the past behind us and start again, I knew I needed to do a lot of thinking before I was ready to do that. And I wasn't in my best state to do that thinking, not right now.
I sighed heavily. “I appreciate the apology,” I said sincerely. “But I need some time. I can't think about all of this right now, not when I'm caught up in everything else.”
“I understand,” Eric said gently. He brushed back a lock of my hair, and I wanted to lean into his touch, craving his comfort. But I knew I couldn't do that right now. “You should get some rest,” Eric continued. “And try to eat some food.”
“I know,” I said, even though I knew that both of those things were nigh on impossible for me at the moment.
“I'll see you soon,” Eric said, standing up and making his departure.
The truth was, I wasn't sure how to feel. I loved Eric, and I was almost desperate to be with him. The idea of raising this child with him at my side made things so much more bearable in my mind. But there was so much between us already. What if he still thought that he couldn't trust me? How would I feel if he believed someone else over me again?
Besides that, there was still his wishy-washy behavior from before, his inability to get over everything with Emily and start fresh with me. I had to believe that Mom's death had opened up that can of worms again and that he must be remembering all over again how difficult it had been for him to get over the loss of his wife. He was probably thinking of her every time he was comforting me.
And looking toward the future, was it at all possible that we could build a life together? The signs didn't look very positive. We'd had a couple of great nights, but it seemed like more often than not, our interactions ended unhappily. Could we even start something knowing that if we broke up, it would be Emma and our unborn child, in addition to the two of us, having to bear the heartache and the weight of disappointment that came along with it?
The whole point of the 'casual' relationship that we'd built had been that neither of us wanted to rush into anything. But it seemed like we couldn't do casual, not if it meant he thought that I was cheating on him.
I did appreciate his apology. But as for forgiving him, that was a much bigger task.
I wanted to think about it, though. Imagine what it would be like, if he and I were raising this child together, with Emma as a big sister. But I knew that if I even thought about it, I was going to try to make that a reality, no matter how bad an idea it might be.
It was all too much to think about, and it was especially frustrating to know that all my thinking would lead me nowhere, not when I was in this state. Finally, even though I knew that I should try to eat some food first, I headed upstairs and fell into bed, barely paused to undress first. I left my dress in a pile on the floor, knowing full well that it would cause irreparable wrinkles in the fabric. It wasn't as though I could ever wear the dress again anyway.
I fell into a fitful sleep, desperate to escape the world. Unfortunately, it followed me into fitful dreams.