Chapter Thirty
Shelby
"Hello?" There was a brief silence on the other end of the line.
"You picked up," he said, sounding surprised.
"I said that I would," I said.
"I know. It's just, you said that you needed time to think. I didn't want to rush you." It was Sunday. I had been surprised that he had waited as long as he had to call me since he had been incessant the whole week. I had needed time to think about what he had said to me, true, but the decision hadn't been that hard to reach.
Even if I was still guarded, there was still Damien. Jason loved him; I saw it whenever they were together. It would have been cruel to keep Jason from him just because my feelings were a mess. It would have been unfair to Damien too. I wanted him to feel loved. There was no good reason to keep Jason from his son unless he proved that he couldn't be a parent. He had learned the basics really fast, and nobody could say that he wasn't serious about it.
"Well, how are you?" he asked. I told him I was okay. Damien was napping. I was in my room, pumping milk to fill a couple bottles to take with us to the park.
"What about Damien?"
"He's napping right now, but as soon as he's awake, I want to take him to the park. Would you like to come with us?"
"The park?" he asked, a little distracted.
"Are you busy today?"
"No. I'm not. I'd love to come. What time?" he asked. I told him that I'd send him a text when Damien got up from his nap. He said he'd meet us there. I hung up, smiling. The park for Damien and I was part of our weekly routine. I had thought about inviting Jason yesterday, but I had been afraid that he would have said no to coming. He had a job now and his own place. He had said that he wanted to see Damien again, but I had been managing my expectations so I didn't fall too far if he disappointed me.
There had to be a point when he just stopped trying, and I never wanted to get there. Damien meant we would probably always have something to do with each other, but I was scared of what I felt when we were together. The sex was great, but I wasn't sure what he wanted. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but I didn't know whether he wanted anything real with me past Damien. It didn’t matter what was happening between us. It was less important than being there for Damien. I finished pumping and got ready to leave before Damien woke up. After changing him, we went to the park.
Jason was there when we arrived, sitting at a picnic table near the playground. The nerves I hadn't been feeling at all till seeing him made my pulse quicken a little. I had been with him just the other day, but I'd had time to think. He stood when he saw us. I smiled at him as we came up, holding Damien in his carrier seat.
"Hi," he said. His voice shook a little. I was glad I wasn't the only one who was nervous.
"Hey, hope you weren't waiting too long," I said, putting Damien's carrier seat down on the table.
"No, not at all. Can I take him?" he asked. I nodded. Jason looked down at Damien in his carrier. In that split second, he completely transformed. He smiled, undoing the buckles and lifting Damien out. He kissed him softly, cuddling him to his chest. It was adorable. He had missed him. Damien giggled, smiling at his dad.
"He got bigger," Jason remarked.
"Mm-hmm. Any day now, his teeth will start coming in."
"Can I take him to the swings?" he asked. He didn't have to, but I appreciated that he did. I told him to go ahead. I watched Jason take Damien to the swings and carefully put him into one. Should I go over there, I wondered. Damien's happy laughs carried to where I was sitting, watching them. Jason crouched down in front of the swing, pushing from the front, pretending to be scared of Damien's flailing little legs, making him laugh.
No, Jason deserved the bonding time with Damien. Watching them, I was amazed at how warm I felt. There was no way I'd be able to keep them apart. Jason wanted this. We hadn't planned to have a baby, and he had lived for months before he had known that he had one, but he was in now. He wasn't going anywhere.
Are you sure about that, though, I wondered. Sure? I wasn't sure about anything. I knew that I'd do anything for Damien, but I could only speak for myself. Jason and I had known each other for a fairly long time, but I didn't know him well enough to be sure that letting him be part of Damien's life would be the right thing to do. He was unpredictable. He wasn't like anyone I had ever been involved with. I didn't want to get comfortable with having him around then lose him. I didn't want that for Damien, or for myself.
What if we didn't work out? Tons of people parented with former partners, but I didn't want that for us, or Damien. Keeping my distance just made sense. It would be safe. Sometimes the person who was a great partner wasn't a great parent. Other times it was the other way around. Jason could be a parent, but I didn't want to risk trying anything with him. I shouldn't have wanted to try anything with him. I wanted to. No matter how cautious I felt, part of me still wanted to try.
He was trying; I could at least give him that and make sure he knew I wasn't taking him for granted. We were going to have to at the very least deal with each other. I didn't want to fight. After a little while, they came back to the picnic table. I put a blanket I had brought down on the grass, and we sat there instead so Damien could play with some of the toys I had brought too.
Jason carefully placed Damien on his front, down on the blanket. He raised himself on his arms and tried to scoot towards a squeaky stuffed toy I had put down in front of him.
"Whoa, when did he start doing that?" Jason asked.
"This past week. He's getting pretty active."
"Can he crawl yet?"
"No. Give it a few more months maybe before that. Do you want to feed him?" I asked. Jason said he did, picking Damien up and holding him, sitting on the blanket across from me. I watched as he now expertly bottle fed Damien, laughing as he tried to hold the bottle in place himself.
"I can't believe it's only been a little over a week. We could practically send him to college already," Jason joked. I smiled.
"You should see how fast he grows out of his clothes."
"Thanks for this. I was going to end up spending the afternoon inside, working."
"He's your son too," I said, shrugging. "I think it's important that the two of you spend time together."
"So am I invited next week too?"
"Do you want to? Spend more time with him?"
"I'm his father," his said. "Of course I want to spend time with him. There's just this shift when there's a kid," he said, looking down at Damien. "I feel like I'd die before I let anything happen to him." I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant.
"If you want to, I think we can set something up where you have him sometimes." Jason looked at me, eyes wide.
"You want me to take him?"
"I get it if you think you're not ready. This whole thing is trial and error anyway. You never really get any time alone, just you two. No pressure. It just feels like the next step, if you're ready I mean."
"Shel, are you sure?" he asked. He had burped Damien and put him back down on the blanket.
"I've been thinking about it, and if anything's going to work between us, I have to start trusting you. I have to let you be the dad you didn't get to be for his first three months. It's not just about what I want; it's about what Damien needs too." He leaned over Damien between us on the blanket, cupped my face and kissed me, softly on the cheek.
"I'd love that, Shel," he said earnestly.
"We have to start small, though. It's the most I can give just now."
"I'll take anything," he said.
"Okay. First, there's the sitter," I said. "I have to have her sometimes when I have to go out grocery shopping and stuff like that, particularly during the weekend."
"I can take over for her," Jason said. "That's what? A few hours at a time?" I nodded. "I can do that," he said confidently. "Didn't she pick Damien up from your work the other day?"
"Yeah. As long as the person's approved with the daycare, I can have other people pick him up."
"I get off work hours before you do."
"What time?"
"Two in the afternoon. I know your office has a daycare but..." He trailed off, shrugging.
"Do you think you could?"
"It would be more convenient than the hours after you get home. He's just heading to sleep around that time anyway." He was right. If he wanted quality time, it would make sense to have him earlier in the day. If he had the time anyway then why not? I had to let him do something. This was the only way we would get anywhere.
"What do you say to starting tomorrow?”