Chapter Thirty-Two
Shelby
My eyes fluttered shut. I bit my lip so I didn't moan out loud. Jason's teeth bit down on my nipple. I sighed, running my hand through his hair as he sucked and kissed my sensitive flesh. He was already naked, but my slacks were still on, stopping me from being able to feel his skin against me. My panties were a sopping mess underneath; I ached as he kissed his way down my stomach, unfastening my pants.
"Please," I whispered. I didn't know whether he had heard me; I had hardly heard myself. He pulled my slacks and panties off together and took his time teasing me, running his hands over my inner thighs, coming close to touching me where I was wet and waiting for him, then cruelly retreating.
He moved up over my body, settling himself between my legs. He kissed me, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, desperate to draw him into me. I moaned his name, feeling him stiff and ready between us. I thrashed my hips in vain, hungry for the contact. Finally, he thrust into me. Breathy moans came from my lips, mounting as we pleasured each other. Fast, then slow, he drove me crazy. He shushed me gently, lips and teeth against my neck. The restraint we both had to have made it even hotter.
Closing my eyes, I gasped, reaching my climax. I smothered my cry against his shoulder convulsing under him as he continued fucking me, questing for his own. He went faster. Growls and grunts escaped him as he came undone.
"Shel," he whispered. "I'm-I'm going to come." He pulled out quickly, shooting his load over my stomach. He kissed me, slow and deep as he came back down. He got up and walked to the kitchen, coming back with a kitchen towel for me to clean off. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about him since he had left the station. We had stood together, all three of us for the first time for anyone who was curious to see. Everything he did, his obvious effort and hard work made me want him more. I wanted him to know that I saw it and I knew how hard he was trying. I appreciated everything.
I turned my head to look at him; we had been lying there a few minutes, quiet. He was on his back, looking at the ceiling. I followed the line of his profile, from his hairline, over his forehead, the straight bridge of his nose, over his lips, chin, and jaw. I wondered just how much more of that face would show up on Damien's as he got older. I had thought about it before, more when I had still been pregnant. Back then, it had been more of a fear that he would have been born and the resemblance to Jason would have been so strong, someone would have caught on to my secret immediately. Looking back, I didn't know what I had been thinking. None of the outcomes I had thought of had been this one, the two of us finding a way back into bed together and Jason actually wanting to be an active parent.
He turned and looked at me, noticing me staring at him.
"Did you ever want kids?" I asked. The answer hardly mattered now since he had one, but I was curious suddenly. Of all the things that had changed in his life, had he ever seen this one happening for himself?
"I don't know," he said. "I didn't think about it a lot, but I guess I would have done something about it if I got to forty or older and still didn't have any."
"Huh. You guys don't have a cap on your fertility," I reflected.
"Yeah, but still, who wants to be the oldest dad at the parent-teacher conference? My siblings already have kids; my parents wouldn't be on my back about giving them grandkids... I probably could have gone my whole life and never done it."
"You really never wanted a family of your own?"
"I didn't do a lot of thinking past what I wanted, where I wanted to be. Me, myself. I was an egocentric dickhead, Shel. You know that."
"Yeah, but even when you were younger? You never thought about what you wanted your life to look like when you grew up?"
"I always really admired what my parents have," he said. His parents in upstate New York. They were still together and had given him and his siblings rich, fulfilling childhoods. "But it's easier to find something easy than something real, you know?" I nodded. I had wanted a family, eventually. I had wanted to start my family with the person who wanted the same things I did. I guess I had kind of gotten that, in a roundabout way.
"What about you?" he asked.
"I'm glad our son looks like you," I said. He looked at me.
"Come here," he said. I scooted closer, burying my face in his chest. He drew me to him and kissed the top of my head. All it had taken had been that first time to set us off; now we couldn't get enough of each other. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel good with him. He wasn't perfect, but who was? He was doing his best, and even when he frustrated me, I wanted him. Some time passed, I didn't know how much, but I spent it dozing in Jason's arms.
My eyes opened when I heard Damien. I sat up and looked around the room, remembering where I was. Jason's apartment. I got out of the bed and was searching for my underwear on the ground when the crying stopped. I looked up over the bed, over to the living space. Jason was already there, in his underwear, holding Damien. He was walking around the small space, giving Damien his bottle. I grabbed for the closest article of clothing I could find, Jason's t-shirt, and threw it on. It was big on me, almost as long as a very short dress. I went over to them. Jason saw me and stopped.
"I hope you don't mind me feeding him formula. I didn't want to wake you." Right then. That was the moment I fell, totally and completely, for Jason Bowman. I swallowed and shook my head. This wasn't new; he had shown me already how much he wanted to be part of Damien's life. I loved seeing them together, it made me so hopeful that there was enough there to make the two of us work. It wasn't that simple though. I knew that. His relationship with Damien and his with me were two separate things. I knew he'd be Damien's dad no matter what happened between us, but what about us? I didn't know whether taking the risk would be worth it. Nobody knew what the future held when they started new relationships, but his track record hadn't been the best so far. What if we tried something and it turned out to be a mistake?
"N-no, it's fine. I don't mind. I'll just pump a little more next time," I said, going over to them. Damien had finished drinking. I held my arms out to take him while Jason took the bottle to the kitchen. I patted Damien's back, sitting on the couch with him. He wriggled, happy and full.
"Did you have a fun afternoon with your daddy, bub?" I asked him. Jason came back in, sitting on the couch, next to me.
"Thirsty?" he asked, holding out a glass of orange juice. I thanked him, taking it gratefully. I took a long sip and put the glass on the ground by my feet; he didn't have any end tables. He threw his arm over the back of the couch, and I scooted closer, resting my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me. I had no idea what time it was, but the sun was going down outside. Eventually, I'd have to leave. Both of us had work the next day. I couldn't get Damien or myself ready from here. Five more minutes. Ten. Twenty minutes and we'd leave.
"So, what do you think? Did I pass?" he asked quietly.
"You did okay. Not bad for a first day. The baby's still in one piece." He laughed a little.
"It's incredible. He's his own little person. I never thought... every time I see him, I don't know what to expect. There's something new every day."
"Hm," I sighed, looking down at Damien. At first, it had been a little comforting that I had known a little more about taking care of an infant than Jason did; not that we were competing, it was just different seeing Jason like that, taking on something totally foreign to him. Vulnerable and a little unsure for once. I was looking forward to learning with him. Damien was changing every day; he'd need different things from us as he got older. "Thank you for trying so hard. I never thought we'd get here."
"Thanks for letting me do it," he said. "Are you hungry? I can get some takeout or something if you are."
"No, I should go."
"Don't," he said, sitting up.
"I don't want it to get too late before we get home."
"Then stay here," he said. I shook my head slowly.
"I can't. Not yet, Jason. This is nice, but, I'm not there yet."
"Did I do something?"
"No," I insisted. "I'm just... I'm not ready, Jason." He nodded, sighing. This had been the issue for a little bit now. We weren't really on the same page. I wanted him; he was great with Damien and every time we got together, I loved being with him. The connection was there, and the comfort level was going up, but still, spending the night was moving faster than I was ready for at the moment. I'd get there; I just wasn't ready yet.
"I don't mean to rush you, Shel. Waking up alone, again and again, all I want is to see you two."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he said, kissing my forehead. "I get it." He got up and took Damien so I could stand. He held him while I got dressed and freshened up in the bathroom. There was no tub, and you wouldn't have been able to take a shower when someone was in there unless you were okay with someone using the toilet a foot away from you. I came out and found them on the bed, waiting for me.
"So, I'll get him around the same time tomorrow. A little earlier, maybe," he said.
"Of course, no problem." He handed Damien to me.
"And, I'll see you tomorrow too," he said. I smiled, nodding. I leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. He cupped my face, kissing me again. "I'll walk you guys down," he offered. He went over to his bed and quickly put a shirt and some sweats on. He walked us down the stairs, buckling Damien into his car seat before he went back up again. That was nice; he hadn't needed to do that. I had liked it though, even if it made me even more conflicted than I already was.
There was no question anymore about him and Damien. He was going to be his dad no matter what. The two of us were another story. He was making himself hard to resist. Hard to resist and easy to love. People didn't change overnight, but he had shown me who he could be, even though he still made mistakes sometimes. Didn't he deserve a chance? Yeah, you say that now, but won't it just be a matter of time before you're swallowing those words and crying alone because you were wrong about him?
I shook my head, starting the car. I couldn't think about this now. I didn't want Damien falling asleep before he had a bath and his last feeding. Jason wasn't going anywhere.