Chapter Eleven
James
I loaded up the car with Nell’s bags and helped her into her booster seat. Then I got in, started the car and backed away from our house. I headed on down the road towards the home of Nell’s friend. I had gotten the address when we’d confirmed the sleepover.
It was all a little bittersweet for me. First kindergarten, and already now her first sleepover. I wasn’t sure I was going to get used to it. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if she was going to either. It was hard to predict if she would be able to make it through the night or would want to come home. This was a brand-new friend, so she didn’t even know the girl’s mom. But Nell was a very outgoing girl who never really felt like she had to rely on me a lot. She was really independent, so I trusted that she would be all right through the night.
It might have seemed weird to others, but I didn’t trust daycares due to the high amount of awful things reported at them. The workers were only there for a paycheck and did not care about the children. I had heard far too many horror stories. At the same time, leaving her in the care of someone’s parents was a little nerve wrecking. But if for some reason, I felt off about them upon meeting them, I wouldn’t allow my daughter to stay with them. Which is why I insisted on meeting them instead of just dropping her off and leaving.
Soon, we pulled up outside of her friend’s house. Nell got out, and I grabbed her bag. We walked together to the porch where Nell excitedly pushed the doorbell. A few seconds later, a lady in her early thirties opened the door. I assumed this was the mom. A second later, a man appeared behind her, followed by a little girl. Nell’s friend and her father, I assumed.
“Hello. I’m Maggie, Kassondra’s mom. This is my husband, William. And this is Kassondra,” the lady said.
I held my hand out and shook both of their hands. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m James.”
Maggie nodded her head, “Is there anything she is allergic to or maybe something I should know about?”
I shook my head, “Not that I know of, and she’s tried just about everything,” I said with a chuckle.
Kassondra stepped forward and hugged Nell as the parents moved back to let the girls inside. I was a little hurt, but at the last minute, Nell turned around came back.
“I love you, Daddy,” she said, as she wrapped her arms tightly around my waist.
I positioned myself on the ground so I could wrap my arms around her and we could hug a little better. Seeing her friend’s parents together like this made me miss her mom even more, and the fact that she was leaving for the night, well, that didn’t help things either.
With a picture of Whitney in my mind, I tried to think of what she would have said to Maggie. Maybe they would’ve been friends. That would’ve been so nice for her. But I just didn’t think I could be friends with Kassondra’s parents. It was too hard. Because I was by myself, and they had each other. I didn’t know how to handle this whole thing. I know how this worked, and that I was still trying to figure out the parenting thing. But I had to do it alone; I didn’t have a partner anymore, and that’s what hurt the most.
“I love you, baby,” I said and squeezed Nell tightly.
She let go of me and happily followed her friend back inside. I put the father’s number in my phone since I had already had the mother’s number, just in case something happened and Maggie wasn’t around. Then I told them goodbye and waved to my little girl.
Back inside my car, I turned on the ignition and drove away. Picking up my phone, I called Derek.
He answered on the first ring.
“Hey man, what’s going on?” he asked.
“Hey. I just dropped Nell off at a friend’s house for a sleepover. Can I come over?” I needed to spend some time with my good friend. I didn’t think sitting around the house thinking about Nell being gone was going to be very good for me.
“Sure man. Come on over. I’m just hanging out,” he said.
“Alright, I’ll be there soon.” I hung up my phone and tossed it on the seat next to me, then drove on over to Derek’s house.
I didn’t even bother with knocking on the front door when I arrived because Derek and I had been friends for so long. Nell even referred to him as Uncle Derek. I thought it was sweet of her to do that, and Derek just adored her.
“Hey, man. Thanks for stopping by; been awhile,” Derek said from the couch.
I looked over the couch and sat down next to him. “Yeah, you’re welcome. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Nell’s first sleepover, huh?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the TV. It looked like a college football game was on. I didn’t have time for sports these days. I hadn’t had time for really anything since Whitney’s passing.
“Yeah. I don’t really know what to think about that. When I dropped her off at kindergarten on Monday, she pretty much told me to leave,” I said.
He laughed, “She’s always been really independent.”
“Just like her mom,” we both said at the same time.
I was glad to be there with Derek and eventually started to relax a bit. I knew I could really use some time with him and a few laughs since I’d been feeling so down.
Derek looked at me. “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on?” He picked up the TV remote from the arm of the couch next to him and pointed it at the TV, shutting it off.
He’d always been really good at picking up on cues. Whenever Whitney and I were fighting and Derek was around either one of us, he knew right away, and he was always the one that told us we were being silly. He was the one that helped us out when we experienced a rough patch.
I cleared my throat, “It’s just tough, you know? I just saw the parents of Nell’s friend, together there as a family, and it made me miss Whitney more than ever,” I said.
“You know what, man?” he asked me.
“What’s that?”
“I think that tonight is the perfect time for us to go out and get some drinks. We haven’t been able to do that in a long time. Nell’s at a friend’s house, so she is taken care of, and you can crash here at my place. We can call a cab, so need to worry about a designated driver. What do you say, man?”
I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to go out or not. There were other useful things I could be doing with my time. But, he had a point. We hadn’t really done anything together in quite a long time. I missed hanging out with him, and I knew I could use a break. It might help me relieve some of my stress, take my mind off things, and hey, I might even get some sleep.
“All right, man. Let’s do it,” I said.
That night, a couple hours later, we called a cab and headed out to the local bar. I was a little nervous since I literally hadn’t been there in two years. That was quite a long time, considering I used to go there all the time with Derek.
We went inside and found a couple vacant bar stools, then both ordered a Jack and Coke. It was Whitney’s signature drink. If we are watching a football game or something, we’d drink a beer together. But when we went out, we almost always got Jack and Coke.
The bartender set my drink down in front of me. I took a sip and cringed, not used to the hard alcohol. I hadn’t had a real drink in a long time.
“I know you miss her, man. Believe it or not, I miss her too,” Derek said, and it took me by surprise. Up until that point, I hadn’t ever heard him say anything like that.
“Thanks, man. It means a lot to hear you say that,” I said, and finished up my drink.
The bartender walked over.
“Can I get you another one?” he asked.
“Sure thing,” I said back to him.
A couple minutes later, there was a fresh drink sitting in front of me, but it didn’t stay there very long. I downed the drink right in front of the bartender. I nodded, letting him know that I did want another one. I didn’t really care if I was going to get drunk. Maybe I was even trying to.
We started talking about Derek and his life, just catching up on things. The next thing we knew, two women approached us. They both looked to be in their late twenties. Both of them showed signs of plastic surgery. One sat by Derek, the other by me, and the four of us started talking.
It wasn’t so bad at first but quickly started to feel awkward. While the two girls were fairly attractive, and I might have been interested had this been before I met Whitney, but something just didn’t feel right. I felt too old. Here we were sitting at a bar, and hitting on girls. Well, Derek was hitting on girls; I really wasn’t.
That just wasn’t me; it wasn’t the person I was, and hadn’t been in a really long time. I didn’t think I was ever going to be that person again.
“Hey, man,” I said to Derek, and he turned and looked at me. “I think I want to take off. Thanks for the drink, and the talk. It really means a lot.”
Derek gave me a funny look, “Are you sure?”
I nodded my head, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Derek stood up, “Alright, man. Get home safe, huh?” He held his hand out to me, and I took it, then we grasped each other in a bro hug.
“Sorry, ladies, but I’m going to head out. It was nice to meet you,” I said.
“It was nice to meet you too,” said the girl who sat next to me. I didn’t even remember her name at this point, and it wasn’t because I was drunk. It was because I didn’t care.
I said goodbye one more time, then I headed outside and called a cab to take me home. When I got there, I went to bed, but I didn’t go to sleep. I laid in my bed and thought about Nell. I hoped she was doing okay at her friend’s house, but realized that I was probably struggling with it more than she was.
It surprised me at how drunk I’d gotten off of just three drinks, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t drink that often. My head felt fuzzy, and I was a little dizzy. I knew I should have eaten more before I drank, and I shouldn’t have chugged them the way I did. I knew I was going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning.
Then I thought about Whitney, and how much I missed her. How much I just wanted to hold her. I let myself really cry for the first time in a while. Not just tears, but great heaving sobs. I hated crying, but I couldn’t help it. Not when it came to Whitney. She had been my entire world, and when she got sick, I really believed that she was going to pull through. And when she didn’t, it was the worst thing I’d ever gone through in my life.
My tears finally stopped, and I was exhausted—both mentally and physically. It was strange to be alone in the house, and I found that I missed Nell more and more. It made me think twice about letting her go to a friend’s house again because I just didn’t think I could handle it. I hated being away from her, and I wondered what that meant for me in the future. What would happen when she went off to college? What was I going to do then? I couldn’t hold her back and prevent her from having a life, just because I couldn’t have one for myself.
My brain finally shut off about an hour later, and I was rescued by sleep.