Amen

Praise and worship is the only thing that’s helped me not to reveal how I’m feeling. I was able to get lot in God’s presence. It’s a presence I know. I’ve known it all my life.

It hasn’t left me just because I haven’t been within these walls. In all honesty, I feel God whenever I write, when I pray with Dae-Dae, when I sit in the sand at the beach and watch the waves. God is always there.

Only difference today is the fellowship that’s devoted to Him that heightens all of our awareness. I’ve been contemplative of this fact during the morning announcements. For all the sins my father would say I’ve committed, I can’t say that God has forsaken me once.

If anything God has comforted me and pushed me forward in my darkest hours. The weeks before Felix found me, times when I didn’t want to bother Felix, but I was lonely and scared. God was there for me through all of that.

I look down into my lap. I’ve sold thousands of books, touched the lives of so many. Does that make me so different from the man that stands in that pulpit?

God says he’ll meet us where we’re at. If we are bound here how can we be out there to meet God’s people on their terms, in the places that make them comfortable? I can’t say that I’ve always been most comfortable in this church and I grew up in the house of the Lord.

Even today, I have on a YSL black suit and red bottoms, dressed to the nines. My hair is straightened into a slack wrap and my nails are done to perfection. I’m the Pastor’s daughter and I look the role, but this isn’t me. Not really.

“We’re here to celebrate our fifteenth family retreat. Family day has always been a special day here,” my father’s voice fills the church strong and steady, pushing into my thoughts.

“I asked the Lord what I would speak on for this occasion and he started to talk to my spirit about foundation. Not just foundation, but strength. Strength that comes from wisdom. Strength that comes from love.

“I said to the Lord. Yes, yes, that’s good. I can go there and…But the Lord cut me off. He said, Wayne, I need you to look at your foundation. I need you to go back. Remember the days before the man you’ve become.

“So I sat in silence. I sat in silence because I realized that I was ready to get ahead of God and what he was trying to show me. And that’s when he began to reveal that I can get ahead of myself often.

“I stood here many a times and told you all about my years on the streets. How I was placed in a foster home and I had to steal, lie, and do things I won’t mention here. I was a young man doing the only thing I knew to survive those streets. It was eat or be eaten.

“I’m not proud of that. Compton almost claimed my life more than a few times. I started to pray to the Lord. I promised him that if he saved my life and got me off those streets I’d dedicate my life to him,” he pauses to take a drink.

“Come on now, Pastor. Take your time,” one of the church mothers calls.

“Alright now, preach,” someone in the back says.

“Somehow, I survived and landed in a university with a scholarship. That was the beginning of my foundation. I used all my strength to get there.

“I met the woman of my dreams in freshman orientation. Danesha was a fine young girl then just like she’s a fine woman now. I knew God made her just for me,” he says to the laughter of the congregation.

“We dated through college and I married her as soon as I set a foundation for my family. It took strength to get through those first few years. We were young and had big dreams.

“But you see, as God showed me where I’ve been, it began to reveal something to me. Danesha and I had to learn. We had to go through. We weren’t born with that strength or the wisdom that trails cultivated us through.

“Come on, y’all. Ask your Pastor where he’s going,” he prompts.

“Where you going, Pastor?” everyone says in unison.

I turn to the deep voice to my left. Felix turns to me with an encouraging smile. I return it weakly before looking back down into my lap.

“Jesus didn’t go fishing for nobody. Scripture says Jesus told them to go cast a hook and take up the first fish that cometh. He didn’t go catch that fish for them.

“The miracle was in their participation to get that piece of money. Throughout the bible we see example after example of individuals that were participants in their own miracles.

“Yet, I as a father, as a foundation setter, held onto my children too tightly. Instead of telling them to go borrow pots and not a few, so they could pour the oil until there were no more pots to fill, I tried to fill the pots for them. I didn’t allow them to stand before the king to make a request on their people’s behalf. I spoke for them.

“I didn’t tell them to go get the fish and pull the gold from his mouth. I went fishing and I retrieved the gold and took care of their needs for them. I wanted to do it all for them. But that took away one intricate part of their experience in the Lord.

“You see, they had no test to be a testimony. I held on so tight that I hindered their opportunities to stumble. And when they started to tug at that tight leash I strapped to them, it snapped back in my face,” he says.

I wanted to get up and leave. I knew he would do this. This was why I didn’t want to come. I knew he would make a sermon out of me.

Felix places a comforting hand over mine and I lace my fingers with his. He is my rock. My anchor in this moment when I want to shrink into myself.

“I didn’t demonstrate strength, nor wisdom at the time. Instead, I became angry. Once again I got ahead of myself. I lost my son and my daughter in what seemed like one foul swoop.

“Friends and family, something happens when you let anger be your guide. You lose sight of the truth that stands before you. You stop paying attention.

“But the Lord walked me through my past to have me focus on my present and my future and I started to see some things clearly. Say what did you see, Pastor?” he coaxes.

“What did you see, Pastor?” everyone replies.

“That this revelation of strength and wisdom was not my own. This story belongs to my seed. My daughter is a woman with a heart as pure as gold. She is a woman that knows great sacrifice,” my head snaps up as his last words reach me.

He’s looking down at me and our eyes meet. He nods his head at me and gives a smile. He continues his sermon, but his eyes remain on me.

“I’m getting old and I’m set in my ways, but I’m still a man of discernment and my own wisdom. I also know when to say I’m wrong. Family, my daughter took a burden upon herself and rose from the ashes of it all like a true woman of God.

“She’s a bestselling author—”

“Alright now,” several people say as applauds erupt, causing him to pause.

“She’s a bestselling author. An astonishing author. Now, I’m not talking reading for the faint of heart. Your Pastor did not suggest you purchase,” he chuckles.

“You all buy her books with caution. She made her daddy blush to his toes. That young man sitting next to her is going to have to put a ring on it sooner rather than later, if he’s behind any of the inspiration,” my father jokes.

I burst into laughter as tears roll down my cheeks. Felix squeezes my hand, leaning to kiss the top of my head. Everyone else laughs, murmuring around us.

“My point is, while reading her work, I saw my beginning. I saw the lessons I learned to get up here to take on the young knock heads that need to turn their lives around. I saw the birth of my ministry as I set my eyes upon the birth of Kaye’s.

“I saw strength and wisdom. I’m a proud father to say that I’m watching her set her foundation. Baby girl, I may not know it all and I may not know the why, but I know what you did.

“We don’t have to stumble through this life the same, but it’s important that we stumble. You young lady stumbled into greatness. If I removed all of the passionate moments from your works you would still have a touch that changes lives through words.

“That, my child, is God.”

“Amen,” voices lift and hands clap.

I sob so hard snot threatens to bubble out of my nose. I turn my face into Felix’s shoulder and he rocks me from side to side. I feel like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders.

I sob my way through the closing of his sermon. I didn’t see that coming. I thought he was going to use his words to embarrass and chastise me.

His words mean more to me than he will ever know.