Secrets of a P.K.

Or at least that’s how I feel. I’m afraid of my own shadow. I want to be something that I’m not and I’m in love with someone that’s not my someone.

Yup, an entire hot mess.

It’s not easy being a P.K., a Pastor’s Kid. My daddy has been a pastor all of my life. I’ve never known anything other than being the Pastor’s daughter.

Imagine a six foot four Samoan, raised on the streets of Compton by his foster family. Now that same thugged out Samoan has turned over a new leaf to be a leader in the community, but you can still see the thug in his eyes if you test him. Yeah, that’s my daddy. You’d be a fool to try him.

Raises hand.

My brother tries my father too. We push buttons just to see how far he’ll let us go, but we never push too far. Well, I don’t. My brother, he’s another story.

I just like to drive my daddy a little insane. Heck, I’ve been dating the same boy since my last year in junior high school because I know it pushes all of his hot buttons. My father can’t stand Alberto.

“That boy is reckless, entitled, and arrogant as the day is long. You and your brother need to leave him to his own devices,” Daddy normally rants.

Alberto is all those things. That’s exactly why I chose him. Well, I have other reasons. I kind of stumbled into my relationship a long time ago—like literally.

It’s hard not to feel stifled in my home. Knowing you’re rocking the boat just a little can be like a drug. One hit and you just have to see what else you can throw into the pond to see if it ripples back.

Yup, I’ve tested being a rebel, but I’ve never gone too far. I want to. I want to have a freeing life like my big brother. A life that brightens the smile on my face with each day.

Danny’s smile lights up the world around him. It’s because he lives his life and doesn’t apologize for it. Someday, I plan to be more like my brother. Outgoing, adventurous, a lover of life and the experience of it.

Which leads me here. In the apartment of the one guy I’ve had a crush on all of my life.

Felix Black.

Just saying his name in my head makes my heart flutter. All of the Black brothers are drop dead gorgeous. You go from hot to super-hot with the bunch of them.

Although, Felix isn’t the Black brother that all the girls run after first. He’s too quiet and always has a book in his hands. Most of the girls in junior high and high school didn’t think they could hold his attention.

There’s just something about Felix that lets you know he is out of this world smart. It’s not just a look, it’s a persona. You know how you have people that pretend to be so smart?

Those people that are always giving wrong information and talking too much. Yet, there’s that one quiet person in the room that has a secret smirk because they know that other person is full of shit. Yeah, that secret smirk belongs to Felix.

As I look at him now, I can see why girls were always so apprehensive to try to date him. Felix has a quiet strength about him that’s intimidating. Something that’s so hot and sexy, but mysteriously silent. Those long lashes—so dark and thick—casting a shadows over his cheekbones. His golden eyes are sharp and watchful.

I love moments like this, when he has on his glasses. He doesn’t wear them often. He started wearing contacts when he went to college.

I’m just here in his apartment so much I catch the rare moments when he does wear his frames. Moments when he sits in this apartment for hours reading into my deepest darkest secret. Turning through my pages over and over. Reading my words again and again to help me find what’s missing.

Okay, okay, when I say my deepest darkest secret that may be the writer in me. Then again, my father would be the one to think it’s a dark sin best left in the shadow it comes from. Felix has been the one to encourage me otherwise.

I want to be a romance author. Not just any romance. I want to write the good stuff.

I haven’t told anyone else. Not even my big brother. Felix is the only one that knows. He has kept my secret for years. Just one more reason to love him.

“This is good. It’s really good. You’re getting better and better,” Felix murmurs as his gorgeous eyes scan over the pages.

“Be honest. I know you read it already, speed-reader,” I tease because it’s the truth.

Felix reads three times as fast as the average person. It’s insane. He retains all the information and details, as well as the comprehension of the context. I know he’s gotten to the part I’m most nervous about.

He places my writing journal on the coffee table and swings those eyes on me. Taking his glasses off, he studies me. I’m holding my breath. It’s the same problem as always.

“It’s still missing,” he says simply.

I fall back on the couch and groan, throwing an arm over my face. I knew it before he said it. This is driving me insane. I’ll never get it right.

“Maybe I should start writing something else. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me this is wrong,” I whine.

He lifts my arm from my face, looking down at me. I feel my pulse race from the simple touch. My heart is hammering. I try not to look down at his full lips, focusing on his gold orbs instead. I would give all the money in the world to run my fingers through that thick dark hair and push that beanie off his head.

Stop it, Kaye!

Ugh, my thoughts always get so crazy around him. I don’t know why. I’m just his best friend’s nerdy little sister. Felix has been so sweet to me for years. I’ve been taking advantage of that fact lately.

He’d probably put me out and get a restraining order if he knew I come here more to feed my crush than to have him read my books. I’ve gotten into the habit of writing ten thousand words a day just to have something to show up with.

“God is telling you no such thing. You’re not giving up. I just told you, you’re getting better,” he says reassuringly.

“Yeah, but you’re not talking about that part. You’re talking about my world building and character development,” I huff.

A grin comes to those gorgeous lips. He’s laughing at me. I want to disappear into the couch.

“Kaye, you can’t even say it. It’s sex. It’s not hard to say. You’re having trouble writing your sex scenes,” he says, mirth dripping from his words.

“You don’t have to laugh at me,” I murmur through my hurt feelings.

“I’m not laughing at you,” he says, letting a chuckle slip. “Okay, okay, maybe just a little. It’s just…I don’t know. Not the writing, it’s the actually sex in the scenes. You sound like you have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Maybe because I don’t,” I say, pouting in frustration.

His brows draw in. Those eyes…I’ve never seen anything like it before. It’s like you see the exact moment he locks in on you and starts to read your soul. I turn away to prevent him from seeing yet another of my secrets. The one secret I don’t own all to myself. If I did, I’d tell him.

His long fingers go under my chin, turning my face back towards his. I can see all of the questions in his eyes. I’ve opened a can of worms. I know Felix and once he wants to know something he doesn’t stop until he gets to the bottom of it.

“Help me understand,” he says in that deep voice that does all types of things to my belly. “I want to help you with your writing but you seem to be stuck here. I don’t understand why—”

“It’s nothing. I should just write sweet romance and stop trying to go for the shock factor. It’s not like my father would ever let me publish it anyway,” I reply.

“You’re a grown woman now. You can make whatever decision you decide to, Kaye. I know your father has always been strict, but I don’t think he would have as big a problem with this as you think,” he says gently.

“You can’t be serious,” I scoff.

“I am. Besides, you’re books would feel like they’re missing something completely if you go the sweet route. You have something here. It’s like the buildup and chemistry is there, but when you get to it mechanic—”

His words cutoff and he hones in on my face as several thoughts race across his features. Intrigue, confusion, and shock. I feel like I’m shrinking into myself.

“I should go. Thanks for reading the pages for me. I’m going to go work on it. I’m thinking about submitting this time,” I rush to say and move out of his reach to get my journal.

He places a hand on my arm, causing me to turn to look back at him. The hum I feel travel up my limb and through my body is absolutely insane. This…this right here is why my buildups are so amazing. I write them from moments like this. When I’m around Felix and I feel this charge, it’s…it’s something I can’t fully describe and trust me I have tried.

“Wait, are you saying you’ve never—,” he starts to ask.

Thank God for cell phones. Mine rings, saving the day. It was a slip of the tongue that has gotten me here. Now I’m going to have to wiggle my way out of this.

“Hey, Danny,” I sing into the cell phone so grateful to my brother.

And then, my world starts to fall apart. Anyone that knows my family knows that my brother and I are super close. I’d do anything for Danny. Anything.

Felix

Yeah, I know Pastor Porter has been super strict on both Danny and Kaye. Still, I’m having a hard time believing what I think she’s hiding. This isn’t adding up in my head.

For one, I know her boyfriend has been sexually active. Yeah, not even going to get into that one. Alberto and Danny both confirmed that Kaye and Alberto had broken up during that one time. Danny being Kaye’s brother and super close to her, I believed him and went on to mind my own business.

Okay, that’s a lie. I went on to plot my chance to finally ask Kaye out. She was away at the church’s women’s convention. I was going to ask her to a movie when she returned. To this day, I don’t know how she and Alberto made up so fast.

Probably for the best. Not only is Kaye my best friend’s sister. She’s been dating my other best friend off and on since junior high school. I can’t blame Alberto.

Just look at her. Kaye is gorgeous. Those dark brown eyes, her clay brown complexion—more reds mixed in with that bronzed brown color. Her black hair can go from looking like thick silk to one big curly mass of wool. Either way, she’s always gorgeous—and I’ve seen it all. I’ve crushed on her for years.

Most people mistake Kaye and Danny for being Hispanic. They’re not. They’re a mix of Polynesian, Jamaican, African American-Creole. Their family gives them a uniqueness of their own. Their home is full of cultures that have colored my life since I first made friends with Danny in kindergarten.

My Irish-Scot ass has had a thing for curry goat, jerk chicken, and roti since I was six—thanks to Grandma Reid, Kaye and Danny’s maternal grandmother. Their maternal grandfather is the reason I love gumbo and cherry wine. I can sit with Grandpa Reid for hours and talk cars and computers.

I care for the Porter family as if they were my own. It’s the reason I’ve hidden my feelings for Kaye for years. Even before she started to date Alberto, I kept my feelings a secret because of the family. Honestly, I was crushed when the two started dating.

Which brings me back to my questions. If I go by the way Kaye writes love scenes that would suggest so much that Alberto isn’t doing for her. Yeah, I’ve always said something is odd about their relationship. I also know how bias I am so I tend to turn a blind eye to anything concerning their relationships.

Stop overthinking, Felix. She’s probably saving herself for marriage. Her father is a Pastor, you know.

I know all of this to be true, but I also know Danny threw all of that out of the window. He got his dick wet as soon as he could. I remember all of the porn he would sneak over to Alberto’s.

Like John, Danny has a singular taste when it comes to his porn. However, unlike with John, I couldn’t get into a lot of what Danny liked to watch. Still, I know for a fact he’s no virgin.

Honestly, I can justify the lack of sex. Kaye’s a girl. Losing her virginity should be special. If she’s waiting for marriage I respect that. It’s just…yeah, something isn’t adding up.

The wheels turn in my head. Conversations with Alberto, Kaye’s writing over the years. Sure, Alberto could be lying on his dick, but with Kaye simple kisses in her writing seem a bit off.

They would have kissed at some point over the years, right?

“Slow down, Danny. Okay, okay. I’m on my way,” Kaye’s voice pulls me from my musing.

She hangs up the phone and starts to gather her things. Her hands are shaking. I’m instantly on alert.

“Hey, is everything okay?” I ask.

“I…I don’t know. I…I have to go,” she rushes out.

“Oh, okay, sure,” I murmur. “You want me to drop you off? I was going to see my mom anyway.”

“No, thank you,” she says, as she shakes her head.

If I’m not mistaken, I think I see tears gathering.

“Kaye, what’s wrong? Do you need me to come with you?”

“No, no,” she says quickly, shaking her head. “I’ll call you later. Okay?”

“Should I call Danny?” I persist.

“No,” she says frantically.

My brows draw. There isn’t much I haven’t gone through with these two. When Grandpa Reid had a cancer scare I was there with them.

When Pastor Porter talked about moving the entire family across country, I was there. I sat writing a petition with Kaye and Danny to get their dad to see why they needed to stay. Granted, Pastor Porter’s words to us were, ‘I’ll do what the Lord tells me to do.’

We spent weeks in their treehouse praying the Lord would tell him to stay put. The Lord heard us. Pastor Porter was offered a better opportunity here in California.

Through all of that I was there. I can’t imagine why Danny wouldn’t want me to be there for him now. I look down at my phone to see if I missed a call.

Nothing.

I shrug it off. Maybe it’s be a brother, sister thing. My brothers and I can get like that. I’ll check in with Danny later.

For now, I let everything go. My questions about Kaye’s personal life and whatever could be going on with Danny. After all, there’s always tomorrow.