Tension

“Then you better eat up so we can go to the park,” Felix replies.

I love the smiles on their faces. Dashawn is always so happy to see Felix. That’s important to me. It’s one of the reasons I’m sort of happy things ended the way they did last night.

I waited for Felix to return last night. Once my head was clear I wanted to talk to him about what happened. I care about our friendship and I don’t want to ruin it because I’m sex deprived and thirsty.

I’m not sure what I was thinking last night. Probably that my first kiss ever was so hot I soaked through my panties. I was so embarrassed when he left the room and I found my underwear drenched.

I rushed to shave my legs and change my underwear before he returned. I listened for him to come back while I was in the bathroom. I never heard him.

I sat and waited, chewing on the pad of my thumb but he still didn’t come back. After a while, I walked down the hallway to see what happened. I found Felix and Dae-Dae asleep in Dae-Dae’s little bed.

My handsome men.

The thought floated through my head bringing with it a dose of reality. I want something that I don’t know for sure I can have. Sex is sex. I mean, Felix did ask if I was waiting for marriage.

That can only mean that he’s only willing to give me a one night stand. Right? I went back to my room conflicted and unable to go to sleep. On one hand, I want all that he offered last night, but at what cost?

My mind started to circle so many thoughts. Would this ruin our friendship? Would this live up to all of my fantasies?

Craziest of all, would I feel like a kept woman once I allowed him to have my body? I know I don’t make nearly enough money to cover the rent here. The money I make barely covers little things for me and an occasional treat for Dae-Dae.

Yet, we want for nothing. Logan and Brooklyn come through here like Santa Clause, dropping off designer clothes and gifts for Dae-Dae. I’ve never seen my refrigerator empty. Connie or Jamie always have grocery bags hanging from their hands when they come by.

I’ve never thought twice about it before. I’m so grateful for it. What if I jeopardize Dae-Dae’s security because I’m thinking from my flesh? I would make all the things my father said about me true.

Honestly, lately I’ve been feeling more and more like I need to become more independent. I’ve been questioning what I’m doing with my life. Once Dae-Dae is old enough go to daycare I want to know I have more than my little job with the O’Briens.

Eventually, my thoughts got so tangled and out of control, I went back to working on my book. This time I felt like the characters came to life in a new way. I started to see chemistry form between them as images of Felix hovering over me flashed in my head. My fingers flew across the keys as I turned a single kiss into magical words.

For the first time, I had a kiss on the pages worth the read. Then I lost steam. I was almost tempted to watch some porn to see if I could at least fake my way through the rest. As I typed the words into the search engine, I quickly changed my mind and deleted it. That’s not how I want to learn.

“Where are you?” Felix says next to my ear causing me to jump.

I’m so lost in my own head I hadn’t noticed him leaning over towards me. I’ve been avoiding getting too close to him all morning. I can’t even bring myself to making eye contact with him.

“Mama go to park?” Dae-Dae saves me from having to answer Felix.

“No, sweetie. I think I need to stay here and get some things done. I’ll have lunch waiting for you guys when you get back,” I answer.

“Peanut butter jelly,” he squeals.

Felix and I laugh at his excitement for a simple sandwich. I had planned on something else, but I can’t deny that face. Peanut butter and jelly it will be.

“We’re making it easy on you,” Felix says.

“Sure you are. Should I cut your crust off too,” I tease to keep things light.

“Nope, I can handle a little crust on my sandwich. I do want milk though. It does the body good,” he replies, his words dripping with insinuation.

My eyes drop to my plate. I pick at the pancakes that I can’t finish because my stomach is in knots. I don’t have a comeback.

“I want swing, Lix,” Dae-Dae saves me again.

“We’re going to go as soon as you finish your breakfast. Just a little more and we can leave,” Felix says.

“Okay,” Dae-Dae pouts, but starts to finish his food.

I know he’s excited. Normally, this little boy would scruff down his food and ask for seconds. The smile on his face speaks volumes.

“So who’s idea was it for you guys to dress alike,” I giggle.

“It was a mutual decision. We were on the same page this morning. Great minds think alike,” Felix smiles.

“Cute.”

“Glad you like it. We aim to please,” he purrs.

My eyes flicker to his and I freeze for a second. He has that watchful gaze in place. I’m not ready for my thoughts to be seen. I’m still too conflicted.

I stand to take my plate into the kitchen. I place the plate in the sink and run my hands over my hair. I tug at my messy bun.

I’m startled for the second time when Felix appears placing his and Dae-Dae’s plates in the sink. He’s standing so close. His cologne engulfs me. I look up at him to find him studying me again.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, sure,” I reply.

He narrows his eyes, causing me to fidget with my tank top. I force a smile and turn to take care of the dishes. He bumps me with his hip.

“I got those,” he says.

“Thanks.”

“Did you get any writing done since last night?” he asks.

“Yeah, I did. I think I have something good,” I reply.

He turns to me with a cracked smile. My chest expands at the sight of it. He has the most gorgeous smile.

Turning the sink off, he turns to me. His eyes drop to my lips. I shift from foot to foot before him.

“So you pulled from our inspiration,” he rumbles low.

“I—”

“Lix, I ready,” Dae-Dae calls as he barrels into the kitchen.

Felix nods at something in his head, but doesn’t say a word. I watch as he backs away keeping his eyes on me. Once he reaches Dae-Dae, he gives me one last once over before he turns and leaves.

Once they are out of the door I groan and slap myself on the forehead a few times. I’m not that girl. I don’t think I can just have sex with Felix once and walk away. I need more, but I don’t think that’s an option.