Chapter 20

Ethan

MY EYES PEELED OPEN AT 5 a.m. and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fall back asleep. My anger at myself built as I watched Jenna sleep. After everything she’d been through with her fiancé, she didn’t need me behaving that way toward her as well. But in my dream, it wasn’t her. It was Darrah, and I was taking all that anger I had for her on Jenna. I was foolish to think the past few weeks with Jenna could chase away the nightmares that were sure to plague me for the rest of my life. But when I was with her, something inside of me would awaken, and maybe I still did have purpose for living. She gave me hope that maybe someday I could have some semblance of happiness in my life again, and just like everything in my life I had to screw it up because I was so fucked up in the head.

She was so beautiful even when she slept, and that beauty went far beyond just her physical aspects. She was truly beautiful inside as well. Her long, dark hair was spread across the stark white pillowcase—such a strong contrast, just like us. She was open, caring, and loving—and I was none of those things. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her, and I knew it was only a matter of time before she figured that out.

I finally got up and showered when I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts for another second. Jenna was just starting to stir when I came out of the bathroom.

“What are you doing up so early?” she asked, sitting up and rubbing her tired eyes.

“I don’t know. Couldn’t sleep,” I muttered, ashamed to face her as I walked over to my bag and threw my dirty clothes inside.

“Ethan. Stop,” she whispered.

“Stop what?” I turned around and finally faced her.

“Don’t do this. Don’t shut down on me.”

I was frozen, not knowing what to say to her.

“Can you please come here?” She tapped on the mattress.

I walked over to the bed and took a seat.

“You were having a nightmare. You weren’t awake. Don’t you think I know you’d never behave that way if you were conscious?”

“Still doesn’t make it right.”

She leaned in closer, pulling the sheet over her to cover her naked body. “Ethan, I don’t know what happened to cause you this pain you’re in, and like I told you before, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But maybe you should talk to someone who could help you deal with it a little better and help make the nightmares go away.”

I shook my head and let out a sarcastic chuckle. “You mean a shrink?” I didn’t wait for her to reply. “Been there, done that, and all they do is give me drugs to stop those nightmares from happening twenty-four hours a day.”

Her warm, soft hand caressed the side of my cheek. “Maybe that just wasn’t the right one for you. There are hundreds of qualified—”

“Stop! Just stop! No one is going to be able to fix my problems. Okay? Not you, not some person who thinks they have all the answers just because they can put PhD after their name, not anyone! I’m fucked up forever, Jenna. Don’t you get that, especially after last night? Nothing or no one is going to make me feel better, and you’re better off forgetting you ever knew me.”

Her eyes clouded with emotion. I got up, walked over to the window, and stared out at the busy sidewalk below. I couldn’t take knowing I’d hurt her with my words. “I don’t feel that way for one second, Ethan, and it’s not what I want. But if you feel like this is the only way for you to deal with whatever it is that’s bothering you, then I’ll disappear from your life as quickly as I came into it. But I will never ever forget that I knew you, because the truth is, in our short time together, you’ve become pretty special to me, and I don’t forget people who’ve affected me in the way you have so easily.” Her voice cracked with emotion, and I knew she was on the verge of tears as she ran into the bathroom.

God, I was such an asshole. Why did I drag this poor girl into my crazy, fucked-up life? I should have just ignored the fact that I found her undeniably beautiful and I had this intense connection to her. Again, I was only thinking of myself and what I wanted, not her feelings. Now all I did was hurt her, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I heard the shower turn on inside the bathroom and took a seat on the bed. I didn’t want to lose her so easily, but in order to keep her in my life, I had to fully let her in. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the water turn off, jumping when Jenna emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She was silent as she walked over to her bag and threw her clothes inside then grabbed her dress from the closet.

“Ready?” she asked, her tone matter-of-fact.

I nodded and grabbed my things, allowing her to walk out ahead of me. We checked out and waited outside in silence for the valet to bring my car from the off-site parking garage. She moved as far away as she could from me and people watched. There was no doubt in my mind that she was pissed at me, and I couldn’t blame her. I offered to take her bag when the car pulled up and she declined, lugging it over to the car herself and throwing it in the trunk. We got into the car, and she pulled on her seatbelt, dropping her head against the seat and pulling her sunglasses over her eyes.

“Did you want to get some coffee?” I asked.

“No, thank you.” She turned her head and looked out the window as I pulled out onto the busy city street. We drove for some time and were well out of the city when Jenna lifted her head and spoke up again. “You were supposed to go south, not north.”

“No, I wasn’t.” I took my eyes off the road for a brief second and looked over at her.

“Ethan, I may not be worthy enough of your trust, but I’m not dumb…we need to be going south to get back to my place.”

“Who says we’re going back to your place?”

“Well, then where are we going?” she demanded.

“I want to show you something…will you please just stop being pissed and let me?”

She didn’t protest, so I took that as a yes. I turned up the radio to drown out the silence. An hour later I was pulling up the long driveway. “Whose house is this?” Jenna asked with her eyes widening.

“Mine.” I hit the button on the remote and waited for the garage door to open. We got out, and Jenna followed me inside, taking everything in.

“You live in this house?”

I nodded.

“This huge house. All by yourself?”

I nodded again.

“Wow!” she whispered.

I inhaled deeply, trying to muster the courage, opting for some caffeine first. “Did you want some coffee?”

“Sure,” she relented. She followed me into the kitchen, her eyes lighting up when she saw the stove. “Holy crap! That stove…this whole kitchen is a chef’s dream.”

I smiled over her enthusiasm. I fixed our coffee, and we sat down at the island and drank it.

“So, we came all this way for coffee?”

I was happy that she was starting to snap out of her annoyance with me.

“No.” I shook my head and waited for her to take the last sip of her coffee, knowing it was now or never. I stood up and took her hand, leading her up the stairs and stopping at the closed door that had been sealed off like a tomb for the past year. My hands trembled when I touched the handle, and with each passing second, I was finding myself losing my courage. I breathed deeply, knowing this was something I had to finally face if I was ever going to break free from my chains that were bounding me and at the same time keep Jenna in my life.