Chapter 41

Jenna

ETHAN’S HANDS RESTED ON my hips, guiding me as I moved my body up and down, allowing each of us to enjoy the pleasure the other had to offer. I let out a gentle cry when our bodies meshed one last time, and we both achieved our goal at the same time. I collapsed on top of him, resting my head on his chest, listening to the melody of his heartbeat.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Why?”

“I don’t know. You just don’t seem yourself. If you have any doubts about tomorrow, we’ll figure out another way.”

“No, really, it’s fine.”

“Jenna?” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Do you have any reaction to me telling you I love you earlier?”

I wanted to say the words back to him because I really and truly did love him, but it just seemed as if everything was moving at warp speed and my mind had yet to keep up with everything I’d learned in the past twenty-four hours. After Tom received the copy of the Washington State driver’s license issued to Caroline Withers and proved my theory right—it was undoubtedly, Darrah—I knew everything would change after tomorrow. Ethan would have his son back, and he’d need to utilize his time re-acclimating himself to being a father. I loved him, that was for sure, but I wasn’t going to pour my heart and soul out to him and make him feel like I needed him, even though I did. After tomorrow, he needed to focus on one thing and one thing only—Nolan—and I didn’t want him to feel any guilt about it.

“Ethan, I-I—”

“Man, I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“What? No…no. Don’t ever apologize for how you feel. It’s just…after tomorrow, everything is going to change. Your primary focus needs to be your son, not me. I have my business, we’re living hours away, and…”

“And what, Jenna?” he snapped.

“You’re still married.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

I rolled over on my side and kissed his chest. “All I’m saying is in the next few months we’re both going to have a lot going on. Maybe we just need to slow things down a bit, take it one day at a time, and see where we end up?”

“Where we end up?” He let out a frustrated sigh. “Why do I feel like I already lost you?” he asked, rolling on his side and turning his back to me.

I pinched my eyelids, holding in the tears, wondering exactly where we would end up. Ethan may have told me he loved me, but I didn’t foresee him ever committing his life again to another woman after everything he’d been through, and I couldn’t blame him. The happily ever after he always disbelieved in was finally going to be achieved, but not by me, by his son. I couldn’t have been happier for him, and I was so glad I had a part in making that a reality. Maybe it was a little selfish of me to think, but I deserved a happy ending too, and as much as it pained me to admit to myself…maybe that happily ever after wasn’t with the man who so strongly disbelieved in them. I did want to get married someday and have children, and as much as I wanted to be with Ethan more than anything, I wasn’t quite sure if I was willing to hang up those dreams for him. He’d done the marriage thing and had a child of his own. I’d done neither, and I was yearning for both a little more with each passing day.

***

The churning in my stomach woke me from a sound sleep. Darting out of bed, I rushed to the bathroom with just enough time to hang my head over the toilet as the bile rushed up my throat. I sat on the cold ceramic tile floor, anticipating round two, and it wasn’t long before it started. I was obviously more nervous than I thought about my little acting job later. I had to get this right for Ethan. If I did one thing wrong, it could possibly risk him not getting his son back. I rested my head against the bathroom wall for a little while longer, getting up and rinsing my mouth when the nausea seemed to pass.

The sun was just starting to break when I crossed into the bedroom and looked out the window. I contemplated if I should stay up and get the long day ahead started or sneak in a little more sleep. I narrowed my eyes, noticing the empty bed. In my rush to make it to the bathroom, I hadn’t even realized Ethan wasn’t lying beside me. I headed downstairs to his office, figuring he was getting in some early morning writing, but he wasn’t there. After searching the rest of the house, I stood in the middle of the kitchen, trying to figure out where he could have gone, when a piece of paper by the coffee maker caught my eye.

Jenna,

I went to Boston by myself. I didn’t want to put you in a situation that was going to be both uncomfortable and dangerous. You have done so much for me, but I need to do this on my own. I hope you understand. I’m so sorry for putting you on the spot last night. It was so unfair of me, and I wish I could take it back, not because I didn’t mean what I said, but because I put you in an awkward situation, and that wasn’t my intention. I’m willing to do whatever it is you want, even if that means taking a break for a while, so you can catch your breath. I just hope that in the end, we do find our way back to one another because I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. Thank you for showing me that I still have a heart, thank you for giving me my son back, and thank you for making me see that life doesn’t end after the last of those autumn leaves have fallen off the trees. I’m so thankful that you came into my life, and even if it was only temporary, you’ve taught me not to fear the winter anymore.

~ Ethan

I wiped my teardrops with the back of my hand and clutched his note into my chest. “Oh, Ethan. I do love you…so much,” I whispered.

I pulled out my phone and started to dial his number before deciding against it. I would tell him everything I should have said to him last night in person when I saw him again. He had too many other things to contend with today. I was in desperate need of caffeine, but my stomach was way too weak for coffee, so I opted for tea instead. I stared out the kitchen window, wishing my emotions could be in sync with the bright, beautiful winter morning outside. The whistle of the tea kettle pierced my ears, breaking me from my mundane thoughts. After fixing my tea, I sat down, trying to plot out my day now that I didn’t have this long trip ahead. I needed to get back home and finish up some things. Christmas was only a week away, and I had none of my shopping done, not to mention I put the supervision of the renovation project on the backburner. I needed to get back to make sure things were being handled to my liking. I took one last sip of tea and threw the rest down the sink, texting Tom and Helene to let them know what was going on before going upstairs to shower.

***

I headed downstairs with my bag in hand, gasping when I almost collided with Helene. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she retorted.

I peeked over her shoulder at the older woman standing behind her.

“I’m Rosie, Mr. Banks’ cleaning lady.” She introduced herself while attaching a strong gaze to me. The same way everyone else who knew Ethan’s wife did—in disbelief. I had to admit after seeing Darrah in person, even I was a little shocked by the resemblance. Under normal circumstances, I would have been a little freaked out by that, but I knew that likeness to her was what caused Ethan’s many cases of mistaken identity and eventually brought us together.

“Nice meeting you, I’m Jenna.”

She nodded and turned around to clean the windows, but not before giving me another glance.

“Tom is on his way to Boston to kill Ethan. He’s my brother, and I love him, but sometimes he’s so hard-headed,” Helene rattled off.

I sighed heavily. “He, umm…wanted to do it on his own.”

“And I get that, but he needs to understand there are other factors involved. He just can’t go busting into town and take Nolan back.”

“Well, hopefully he knows better than that. If not, then let’s pray Tom gets to him before he does anything stupid.”

“Is everything okay, Jenna?”

I nodded. “I just have a ton of stuff I have to catch up on when I get home.”

“I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for my brother. You’ve brought him back to life again, and now this…he would’ve never known his child was still alive if it wasn’t for you.”

I smiled. “I care about him a lot, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. This is going to be a big adjustment for him. He’s gonna need some space to get to know his son all over again.”

Her smile was replaced with worry. “Jenna, you do realize he’s going to need you more than ever with this, right? Please don’t think of backing away because you think Ethan needs space. That would devastate him. I know my brother better than anyone, and I know how much he cares for you.”

“I-I guess we’re gonna take it one step at a time. He’s still married to her.” I cringed with that thought.

“On paper only. He hates her, Jenna, even more so now. Is that what you think? That he’s going to fall back in love with her?” She shook her head in a frantic motion. “Trust me, there’s no love at all there.”

“I get that, but it complicates things a lot more. Look, all I’m saying is I’m willing to back off until Ethan gets everything figured out. I’m leaving it all up to him.”

She nodded. “Well, I for one know the two of you are going to make this work, and hopefully one day…you’ll be my sister.”

My forced smile was filled with apprehension, still unsure if I’d need to take a step back so Ethan could take a step forward with his life, desperately hoping what we had together could withstand everything that more than likely lay ahead.