Chapter 34

Ethan

FOUR THIRTY IN THE morning and I was wide awake. Three years ago, Nolan Alexander Banks came into this world at three-nineteen in the morning, and my heart was filled with a love I never knew existed. Now that same heart was burdened with more pain than I could fathom. My throat burned as I tried to hold back the emotions that were coming to surface. Remembering the first time his eyes came into focus with mine and how his tiny fingers wrapped around mine was all too much to take.

I sat at my computer and pounded more words into my work in progress, only it wasn’t the one I was supposed to be working on for my deadline. It was the one I’d started shortly after Jenna had entered my life, the one she’d unknowingly inspired me to write. It was different than all my others and was fast becoming a favorite story of mine.

The words on my computer screen were becoming a blur, and I needed to go back to bed. The sun would be coming up in a few hours and this day would officially begin. It was going to be hard enough to get through. Add lack of sleep to it and it would be a hundred times worse.

I got up and headed up the stairs, stopping in the bedroom doorway to gaze at Jenna, as the moonlight shone through the window. My apprehension from just a short time ago was now replaced with a sense of peace as I watched her sleep. I got into bed and pulled her close. Even sound asleep, she managed to put my mind at ease. I’d made it through the memorial service thanks to her, and I’d make it through today as well. It was so foreign for me to need someone as much as I needed her, and with each day that passed that need deepened. I hadn’t known her for very long, but my feelings for her were intense and almost alarming.

I kissed her on the top of her head and her eyes peeled open. “What time is it?” she asked, her voice low and raspy.

“It’s early. Go back to sleep.”

She nuzzled herself into my chest, and I closed my eyes. It wasn’t too long until sleep had found me as well as the inner-peace that only Jenna could bring.

***

Jenna and I spent the morning at the farmers’ market and made plans to meet my sister and brother-in-law for dinner later. It was a big change from how I spent this day last year—cooped up in my office ready to drink myself to death, and I knew I had Jenna to thank for this change. We were just getting ready to sit down to a movie when her phone rang.

“Oh shoot, I have to take this really quick. It’s Amelia. I’ve been trying to connect with her for days.”

“No problem. I need to call Edward back anyway.” I went into my office to make the phone call I’d been dreading. He was going to be on my ass big-time about getting this book done, and I didn’t have the patience for it today.

“Ethan, you’re still alive!” he answered.

“Yup, still here.”

“Well, I have good news. I talked to the publisher and they’re willing to extend the deadline if you go with the storyline we discussed. Your editor feels the same as me about the one you’re working on—it’s old hat. So, I was able to buy you a few more months to regroup and start fresh with something new.”

“I don’t want to start with something new. I’m pretty satisfied with the way this one is turning out. I gave some chapters to Jenna to read and she—”

“Ethan, no offense, but I think your editor at the publishing company is a little more versed than some girl who obviously got laid off from her job for a reason. Damn it, will you stop thinking with your dick and more with your head! This is your livelihood, for crying out loud!”

“First of all, Edward, she didn’t get laid off from her job for her lack of skills. Her company merged. You know that, so stop making it seem like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. And furthermore, I trust her opinion more than I trust yours or anyone at that damn publishing company. At least I know she has nothing to gain from it.”

“Or does she?”

“Fuck you, man.” I shook my head and stared out the window. I didn’t need this shit, not today, not any day. “Look, I don’t know what your issue is with her, but she’s part of my life, whether you like it or not, and I trust her more than I trust anyone. So, you can tell the publisher I’ll have the story done by their original deadline, and it will be the story I’m currently working on, and if you or they aren’t satisfied with that then you can all go to hell.” I hung up the phone, still focusing on the beautiful day outside my window.

“Ethan.” I jumped at the sound of Jenna’s voice and turned around as she took a step further into my office. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is fine...just fuckin’ Edward and my publisher.”

“Oh…okay.” Her face was etched with doubt, and the last thing I wanted to do was waste what little time we got to spend together dwelling on this book.

I moved closer, sweeping my hand up the velvety skin on her cheek. “It’s a beautiful afternoon. Let’s not waste it inside watching a movie. I want to take you somewhere that’s really special to me.”

She nodded, but I still sensed some sadness in her eyes, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d heard some of my conversation with Edward. I wasn’t going to bring it up. Edward’s opinion meant nothing to me, but being here with Jenna meant everything, so I wanted to make the most of it.

***

I pulled into the small parking lot, remembering the last time I’d been here. It was two days before he’d exited my life forever. We’d spent the entire afternoon here, just him and me. The huge grin that was plastered across his face every time he’d go back and forth on the swing was etched into my mind along with the deep belly laughs that feeding the ducks caused him. It all seemed like so long ago.

“This is where Nolan and I would spend a lot of our time,” I told Jenna as we got out of the car and walked onto the playground. A dull ache shot through my chest as I looked around at the children running around, laughing, so full of life. The same way Nolan would’ve been if he were here now.

Jenna gripped my hand as we walked over to the bench and took a seat in front of the lake. “This is so peaceful,” she whispered, zipping up her coat and pulling her gloves from her pocket.

“Are you cold?” I reached my arm around her in an effort to keep her warm.

“Tell me how you and Nolan would be spending today.”

“I-I don’t know.”

“I think you do. What would you be doing right now if Nolan were here with you instead of me?”

She rested her head on my shoulder and took my hand in hers.

“He would no doubt be on one of the baby swings. They were his favorites. I’d push him forever and he’d never tire of it.” I pulled in my bottom lip and bit back a smile. “He’d finally conquered his fear of going down the little sliding board. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times he’d gone up and down that thing. I got tired just watching him.”

She smiled up at me and let out a light chuckle.

“There are so many things I would have remembered more clearly if I knew—” I stopped myself and worked my throat to swallow. “Up until now, I haven’t been able to come near this place. It just held too many memories.”

“Memories are good, Ethan. Don’t ever lose the ones you have of him. Cherish them forever. Once you break through the initial pain of facing them, you’ll realize they aren’t so painful after all.”

“Were you a therapist in another life or something?”

“Nah.” She shook her head and laughed. “I just know what it feels like to lose someone you care about. My best friend since kindergarten...we kinda went in a different direction once we got into our senior year of high school. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd who got her involved with drugs, and three days after we graduated, she overdosed.”

“Wow, I’m sorry, Jenna.”

“It was a long time ago, but like you, I blamed myself. Maybe if I had been a better friend…maybe if I tried to convince her a little harder not to hang out with those people. It wasn’t my fault. It took me a while to realize that and remember all the good times we had together. But now I can, and every time I do, I smile instead of cry. I know one day you’ll get there with Nolan.”

I raised her hand and rested my lips on her knuckles. “I seriously don’t know what I’d do if you hadn’t come into my life, Jenna.”

She smiled as her eyes filled with tears.

“I feel like you know me better than people I’ve known my entire life, and it scares me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. But I did really know. She was the glue that was holding me together when I so desperately wanted to fall apart, and if she were to leave, that glue would dry up and break me once again—only this time beyond repair.