Chapter 30

Ethan

“ETHAN!” HELENE LIFTED her head, revealing her swollen eyes.

I shifted my attention to my father, sleeping in his hospital bed, before averting my gaze. As I stood in the doorway, I started second-guessing my decision to come. The sound of the oxygen that was helping him breathe or the multiple IV bags hanging from the pole next to his bed keeping him nourished did nothing to render my emotions. It was as if it were a stranger lying in that bed, but I was certain I’d have even more compassion for a stranger than I did for him.

“Are you okay?” I asked Helene. Her well-being was my only concern.

“Yeah. He’s been in and out of it all day. I’m so glad you came.” She let out a loud sob and hugged me once again.

“I don’t…” I cleared my throat. “I don’t know why I did…I just—”

She squeezed my hands. “You just wanted to say goodbye.”

“No…no.” I shook my head. “That’s not it. I—”

“Ethan?” My name was barely audible, but just the mere sound of his voice made my stomach turn.

I pulled in my bottom lip.

Helene placed her hand on my shoulder and gazed up at me. “I’ll be right outside the room if you need me.” She stood on her tippy-toes and kissed my cheek. “I promise,” she whispered, bringing me back to those awful nights where she’d do everything in her power to offer me comfort.

“Ethan,” he called again.

I closed my eyes, trying to pull it together. I walked over to his bedside, staring down at his emaciated body that was once so big and powerful.

“My boy. My son. Thank you for coming.”

“I’m not your boy. I’m a man. A grown man who’s never known the love of a father.”

“I’m so sorry, Ethan.” He gasped for air as I stood there watching, almost relishing in the moment.

“Don’t apologize because I won’t accept it. We all have our demons we have to live with, ones we can never escape, even in death.”

“Ethan, that was a long time ago. I-I changed, and I wanted…you to—” He paused to inhale much-needed air. “But you wouldn’t allow me into your life.”

I turned around and stared out the window at the rooftop view. “You changed?” I started, still gazing out the window. “Well, I’m glad you were able to change and forget about all the pain you caused Mom and me so easily.” I turned back around to face him. “But I’ll never forget. I’ll carry around the physical scars you left on me as well as the emotional ones for the rest of my life.” I shook my head, biting back the tears. I wouldn’t allow him to see me cry. “I had a son, and I loved him more than anything in this entire world. I would’ve killed someone if they ever laid a hand on him. I can’t even begin to know how much hate you had inside you to treat your own child that way. I was a good fuckin’ father!” I shouted, my voice cracking with emotion. “And I never got the chance to—” I pushed down the lump in my throat and pulled it together. “And someone like you…it’s just not fair.”

His piercing blue eyes burned into mine and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid to stare back.

“So, you die with a clear conscience because you say you changed, but you will always be a monster to me.”

He nodded and closed his eyes. I was emotionless as a lone teardrop rolled down his face. The only feeling inside of me was the huge weight that had been holding me down my entire life lifting from my body. I gave him one last glance before walking out the door.

“Ethan…” Helene called as I whisked past her in the hallway, but I couldn’t stop as I raced for the elevator, needing to get out of that hospital, away from him, away from the memories.

I finally reached my car and got in. Banging on the steering wheel, I allowed my pent-up tears to come to the surface. They weren’t tears of sorrow for my father. Instead, they were the tears of my childhood. The ones I was forced to hold back when the thick leather strap of his belt would snap at my bare back or when his fist would meet the side of my face. The pain inside my heart had nothing to do with the fact that my father was dying and everything to do with the part of me that had died so long ago with the meeting of his hand.

***

I pulled into the parking spot in front of Jenna’s house and it dawned on me, I didn’t remember a second of the long drive I’d just taken. It was as if my heart was on autopilot, needing to see her beautiful face and feel the safety of her embrace. She was the only one who could ease the pain I was in. I walked onto the porch and knocked on her door. The seconds it took her to answer seemed like hours. When the door finally opened, and she appeared, I melted in her arms.

“Ethan!” She pulled me close and took my face in her hands. “Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry. I know it’s late, and I should have called. I-I—” I shook my head.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around me and rubbing my back. “Come sit down.” She led me into the parlor, and we took a seat on the couch. “Did you go see him?”

I nodded. “I told him everything I wanted to say. I was heartless. I didn’t care he was dying.”

“Ethan, don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“No, that’s not why I’m feeling this way. Not at all.” I paused to gather my thoughts. “I just don’t understand why that son of a bitch got thirty-three years of being an awful father to me, and I didn’t even get two of being a pretty damn good one to my son. Why, Jenna? Why does shit like that have to happen? What did I do so wrong in life to deserve this? I want my boy back. I was robbed of my childhood and then I got robbed of my fatherhood…and it hurts so bad.”

Emotion clouded her eyes. “I know, Ethan. You’re right, it sucks, and nothing I say is going to change it or make it any better.”

“Then don’t say anything.”

Our heads inched closer until our lips met. My tongue found its way into her mouth and our hands moved about each other’s bodies like we were discovering them for the very first time. We stood up, removing each article of clothing from the other, slowly and methodically before easing down to the hardwood floor in front of the fireplace. Her warm, soft lips trailed down my chest and I was filled with hope that maybe all was not lost in my life. My hands combed through her long, wavy hair as she worked her way down to my inner thigh, inhaling deeply when she took me in her mouth. I closed my eyes, allowing my mind to connect with the pleasure she was granting my body for some time before pulling her on top of me. She straddled me and I eased myself inside her as I sat up to meet her. Our lips clashed while our bodies rocked back and forth in unison, each motion creating a heightened sense of fulfillment and contentment. There was no one else I’d rather be sharing this moment with. It was way too soon in our relationship to be feeling the emotions she brought out in me, but I was. She buried her head into my shoulder when we met our high together. Time seemed to stop while we remained in each other’s arms, me still inside her, and her resting her head on my shoulder.

“Thank you,” I whispered in her ear, still trying to catch my breath. I pulled her closer, never wanting to let her go. How was it possible to need someone as much as I needed her? No one had ever put my mind and body at ease the way she could. I squeezed my eyes shut and shivered over the thought of possibly losing her someday.

“Are you okay?” She glided her fingertips up and down my bare back.

“As long as I’m with you, I’ll always be okay.” Resting my lips on the top of her head, I closed my eyes. “Please don’t leave me, Jenna.” My lips betrayed me, muttering the words that were on my mind, but never meant to be said.

She moved her head back and tilted my chin, forcing me to look at her. “Hey, why would you even think that?”

I looked away, concentrating on the dancing flames in the fireplace. “I-I don’t know.” I shook my head and then focused my attention back to her. “Because everything good in my life is temporary, and I’m just afraid you will be too.”

“I promise you, I’m not. Please don’t ever worry about that. Okay?”

There was no doubt in my mind that she was sincere in her words, but sometimes the best intentions veer off path, leading us in a direction we didn’t plan on taking. But as the warmth of her body meshed with mine, I wouldn’t think of what the future might hold. Instead, I’d take solace in her words, knowing she was here with me now, and in that moment, nothing or no one would ever take her away from me.