Chapter 32
Ethan
I WANTED TO STAY WITH Jenna, but I knew I had to return for my sister. My father was to be cremated and she was going to have a small memorial service for him, which I didn’t plan on attending, but I wanted her to know I was there if she needed me for anything. I was alone again in this big, dreary house with just my thoughts—the scariest place in the world to be. Jenna was the only person who seemed to chase away the ghosts that plagued my mind, and when she wasn’t around, I was lost.
I managed to go over the first draft of the chapters I’d finished and emailed them to her, but that was the extent of any writing that had been done in the past two days. It was only a matter of time before Edward would be on my ass once again, but my mind wouldn’t allow me to focus on anything else but the fucked-up storyline that was now my life. I looked down at the calendar on my desk and my stomach burned. Nolan would have been three years old in three more days. I closed my eyes, wondering how much he would have changed from the last time I saw him. Would his chubby little cheeks have thinned out? Would he be talking in full sentences? Would he still have the same cleft as mine in his little chin? Questions I would never know the answer to because of his bitch of a mother. I tried to bite back the anger that just the mere thought of her caused me, but it was useless. I hated her as much as I hated my father, and I was glad she was dead. I pulled the crumpled-up letter from my desk drawer, knowing the words would just add to my fury.
My Beautiful Angel Eyes...
I read that line over and over again, something about it seeming so familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why.
“Ethan.” I lifted my head to find my sister standing in front of my desk. I threw the letter in the drawer and stood up to hug her. “Your cleaning lady let me in,” she advised as I pulled her closer.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded, but her eyes told a different story. She took a seat and I sat down next to her.
“Did you want anything from Dad’s house?” she asked.
“Oh...” I cleared my throat. “No...I’m good.” The last thing I wanted was any memory from that house.
“I was hoping you would’ve come to the reading of his will this morning.”
“What for? I didn’t want anything from him in life, and I certainly don’t want anything from him in death.”
“Ethan, he left you a pretty sizable life insurance policy. Please don’t be foolish and just accept it.”
“I don’t need his money.” I stood up and poured myself a drink. “Take it and put it toward the kids’ college. Josh will be in college next year, so you’re gonna have two in school next year. It will help you a lot more than it will help me.”
“Ethan, come on! You know Tom would never allow me to accept that from you. I think he’s still mad at me for coming to you for help when he was out on disability.”
“Why? I’m your brother. Who else would you go to when you need help?”
“I know that, but it made him feel like he wasn’t able to provide for his family.”
“Okay, well, this wouldn’t be for you and Tom. This is for my niece and nephew, and if I want to help them out with college then I should be allowed to.” I poured myself another glass and sucked it down.
“Ethan, take it easy with the drinking,” Helene lectured.
I rolled my eyes and took a seat at my desk.
“Look, all I’m saying is, one day, you might be feeling differently about things, and who knows, maybe you’ll have children of your own who could benefit from that money.”
My face heated and my eyes burned into her. She managed to bring up two of the most sensitive subjects to me in one sentence. “I’ll never feel any different where that animal is concerned, and I will never have any more children.”
“Ethan, I know right now it seems like you’ll never move on, and I get that, but don’t—”
“You get it, Helene? Really? You know what it feels like to know you’ll never see your child again because the person who was supposed to protect him and love him most decided to rob him of his life when he’d barely begun to live?” I swallowed hard, fighting with the emotions that wanted so desperately to escape me. “And I suppose you get what it feels like to blame yourself every single day because of it?”
She shook her head and choked back a sob.
“Don’t sit there and tell me how I’m going to be feeling years from now because I already know the answer to that.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Ethan.” She wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face.
“Wasn’t it?” I raised an eyebrow.
“No, it wasn’t,” she whispered.
I looked away, focusing on the picture of Nolan that sat upon my desk. “I’d give anything to have him here right now. But that selfish fuckin’ bitch made sure I suffered for the rest of my life. I hope she’s rotting in hell right next to our father.”
Her eyes widened. “Please, Ethan, don’t carry around all that hate in your heart.”
“I don’t have a heart anymore, Helene.”
She stood up and walked over to where I was sitting, bending down to my level. “You do, Ethan, I know you do. Please don’t let them take that from you.” She sobbed and took my face in her hands. “You’re a good person. You’ll always be my baby brother, and I’m always gonna love you. I know you love me back, so you still do have a heart, Ethan. You still care for people and love with everything you have. You’re a good person and a great father. Nolan knew how much you loved him. He may have been just a baby, but he knew. I wish you could realize you deserve happiness. None of this was your fault. Dad, Mom, Darrah...they’re the ones to blame, not you.”
“I just want to be alone, Helene.”
Nodding and choking back another sob, she stood up and walked away, stopping and turning around as she reached the doorway. “I know how you feel about going to the service on Friday, but I’m asking you to come...not for him, but for me. You’re all I have left of our family, and I need you to be by my side.”
I lifted my head but didn’t respond.
“I love you so much, Ethan,” she whispered before making her exit.