Cancer.
Found a lump in my breast…
Had it biopsied…
Stage three…
Breast cancer…
The words. The sentences. The significance.
They all jumbled together. It didn’t matter what way I tried to say it or understand it, the end result was still the same.
She might die.
Exactly like my grandmother who died when I was barely seven. I hardly remembered her, what I did remember was the sadness all around me.
The crying.
The prayers.
The desperation.
The goodbyes.
Why is this happening?
I sat on the beach, my guitar in my hands and for the first time it didn’t give me any comfort. The refuge I sought was nowhere in sight. I couldn’t even get my fingers to move. When they finally did, it just sounded like noise. There was no life in my lyrics like there could be no life in my mother. A full moon was out tonight, darkness surrounding me like the sadness that reflected off my soul.
“Everyone is looking for you,” Jacob whispered, sitting close to me as he placed his ball cap on my head, except this time I didn’t feel his love.
I didn’t feel anything.
“My mom… my mom has…” I mumbled not being able to say it out loud.
It all made sense now, the random night Lucas came home. Her looking so tired all the time. My dad barely speaking. The boys staying close to Lucas. All the clues were right in front of me, but I was oblivious.
“How long have you known?” I found myself asking.
“Long enough.”
“She’s known for four months, my whole family has besides me.”
“Lily, they didn’t want to upset you.”
“Because they think I’m a kid.”
“No, because she’s your mom.”
“I will remember her, right? I’m fifteen. I’ve had plenty of years with her, plenty of memories with her. They won’t go away? Even if she does, right?”
“Oh, baby,” he sympathized.
He didn’t hold me. He didn’t dare touch me. He knew if he did I would fall apart. I would crumble right before his very eyes. Every inch of me would be gone.
“She’s going to be okay, she’s a fighter.”
“Promise?”
“Kid, I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep to you, but I do promise this, I will be there every step of the way,” he sincerely stated. “Good or bad, I’m here for you.”
I nodded, blankly staring out into the water, watching the full moon reflect off it. “Do you believe in heaven?”
“Of course.”
“Do you believe in hell?”
“Kid…”
“I never believed in hell. Why would anyone want to believe in something so evil? Something so bad?” Tears slid down my cheeks, I felt them dropping down the sides of my face. “Hell’s on earth, Jacob. It’s here with us.”
He didn’t say anything.
He didn’t have to.
He knew I was right.
“You can’t think like that. You have to stay strong. I know it’s hard. I love your mom too, she’s like a second mom to me. I don’t know what to say to make it better for you. I wish I could take away your pain, Lily. I’m so sorry this is happening.”
“You know I screamed at Lucas? We got into a huge fight. I yelled at him. We have never fought before. I made my brother feel bad that he didn’t tell me. I told him I would never forgive him for this. He’s hurting as much as I am and I added more to what he’s already feeling. He has always been amazing to me, and I hurt him.”
“He knows you didn’t mean it. He knows you’re upset. You hurt the ones you love, Kid.”
I would learn soon enough how true that statement was.
“I remember everyone coming back to our house after my grandma’s funeral. I remember all the food that everyone brought over. I remember my mom wouldn’t let me eat anymore than a few sweets because she didn’t want my stomach to get upset. I remember being really sad and going out onto our back porch and sitting on the swing. I didn’t even hear you come out, I just remember a plate of every sweet known to man placed in front of me and looking up and finding you standing there. And for the first time that day, I smiled.”
I could feel him staring at the side of my face.
“You remember that?”
He grabbed my hand, looking every bit as devastated as I felt.
“She’s going to die, Jacob, I feel it. I know it in my heart that she’s going to die,” I wept.
“Lily—” his voice was torn.
“I know I’m not supposed to think like that, but I can’t help it. I just know and I don’t want to know…” I sobbed, barely being able to see him through my tears. “I don’t want her to die… I don’t want her to die… I don’t want her to die… Jacob...”
He immediately pulled me into his arms, my face tucked into the nook of his neck. I broke down. I cried so hard my body was shaking. I couldn’t control the tsunami of emotions and feelings that coursed through my body. He held me as tight as he could as if I was going to break and he was trying to hold me together.
At that moment, I needed him to embrace me.
“Make it go away…” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“What? What can I do?” he asked, pure panic and pain in his tone as he pulled away from me, looking deep into my eyes.
“Just make it all go away…”
His eyebrows lowered and he sighed in defeat as he slowly and cautiously grazed my cheek with his fingertips and then with the palm of his hand.
“I feel like I’m dying, Jacob, I feel like I’m fucking dying.”
His face frowned and he leaned in and kissed away all my tears, each and every one of them. I tried to control my breathing, but it was no use. With his hands still on the sides of my face he whispered, “Shh…” over and over again against my skin.
I sucked in air that wasn’t there for the taking and he never once stopped caressing my face with his hands and feathering kisses on my face. It was such an innocent gesture, but when I slowly turned my face to say something, anything, his lips were inches away from mine.
“Shh…” he murmured once again, feeling his breath against my lips.
Before I knew it our mouths were pressed up against each other. His lips were moist from my tears or maybe it was his but the only thing I knew to be true, was at that moment, in that hour, in that second…
I needed him.
I needed all of him.
We stayed just like that for what felt like an eternity although in reality it was only a few measly seconds? Or maybe it was minutes?
Who the hell cares?
A sudden urge to feel more, to want more…
Had me opening my mouth.
I’m going to hell.
I don’t know how we got from one point to the other. One second she was strong as a fucking brick wall and the next she was bawling in my arms, telling me to make it go away. I wanted to comfort her. I needed to make her feel anything other than the despair that was consuming her. She was breaking my goddamn heart and it was my turn to find it hard to breathe. I never imagined there could be a pain like that. For whatever reason, I’ve always felt emotionally connected to Lily. I’ve always felt protective of her, attached even.
When I pulled her into my arms, I wanted to take away her pain. I wanted to make her feel safe. Reassure her that everything was going to be okay, even though I didn’t know if it was. I didn’t care if I had to lie to her to calm the despair that she was feeling, but when I opened my mouth to say the things that I was thinking.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t lie to her. I never wanted to lie to her. Not about something I had no control over. So I did the only thing I could, I held her, I kissed away her tears, I made her feel like she was loved, desperately wanting to be there for her. In whatever way I could.
When I felt her breathing against my lips, I never imagined that they would find their way to mine. Like a goddamn magnetic pull that neither one of us could control.
My body had turned into lead. I couldn’t move a muscle.
Not my hands that were still on the sides of her face, not my eyes that were still closed, and especially not my lips that were still pressed against hers. I didn’t think, which was interesting since my mind felt like it was racing with nothing but memories of her. The second I felt her mouth open, I let myself get carried away. I followed the movement of her lips, but the second I felt her tongue touch mine I pulled away. I had to.
It was instinctual.
It was wrong.
She was fifteen fucking years old.
Then why did it feel…
So. Fucking. Right.
This is so wrong. I’m going to hell. Fuck me.
She saw the panic and turmoil in my eyes and I immediately felt bad. This wasn’t about me, it was about her and her mom.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” she apologized not looking one bit remorseful.
“Lily… I… we…” I muttered not being able to find the words to tell her that this couldn’t happen, that it shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake.
“I won’t say a word. It will be our little secret.”
And hearing her say those six words just confirmed how fucking wrong this really was. I instantly stood up, feeling ashamed and dirty. She peered up at me through her lashes with worry, concern, and sadness all wrapped up in one.
“Jacob, please don’t run from me. I’m sorry, please don’t go.”
I stepped away from her, needing to place more distance between us.
“Lily, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I shook my head as the guilt consumed me in ways I didn’t think could be possible.
More tears slid down the sides of her beautiful face, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I turned around…
And left.