“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mason, happy birthday to you!” everyone sang, as my nephew clapped his chubby little hands together with a great big smile on his face.
It was his 1st birthday party. My mom pulled out all the stops. It looked like Elmo threw up in here with Elmo balloons, streamers, tablecloths, cups and, of course, the cake. She was a step away from painting the damn room red. I thought we might need an intervention for her or maybe just a chill pill. Everyone was there having a great time, and that’s all that mattered in the end. There wasn’t much that made my mom smile or laugh these days. She pretended as well as I did. I guess we all did, but the evidence of what was happening to her was right there in front of our eyes, a daily reminder of something none of us could stop.
The boys were all there and it was great to have everyone together again. Austin was the only one missing, he was still gone, but at least he would send postcards every so often from different parts of the world. I knew it helped everyone’s worry over where he was and what he was doing. It had been six months since Jacob and I had first messed around. They graduated from Ohio State three months ago and Dylan and he moved back. Dylan was renting a house in South Port. Jacob was still undecided on where he wanted to go to law school. He was renting an apartment near the beach in the meantime.
I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me that we hadn’t talked about where he was applying. I knew there were several out of state schools he was interested in and even more acceptance letters, but that was it. He didn’t ask for my opinion and I didn’t offer it. We were talking on the phone or texting every day before he moved back and it was still the same. Except now I got to see him all the time. We had messed around a few more times, but he still wouldn’t let me touch him. To say it sucked to be sneaking around behind everyone’s backs would have been an understatement.
I walked into my bedroom needing a break from everyone. If I watched Lucas and Alex make puppy eyes at each other from across the room one more time I was going to smash their heads together. Even after all these years they were still playing this stupid damn game of cat and mouse.
They belong together, plain and simple.
I sat on my bed with my guitar, playing and singing Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. I closed my eyes to the soft strum of the melody, getting lost in the lyrics of the song. Sometimes the only solace I could find was with my guitar, my emotions running wild with everything that was going on around me.
Lucas and Alex…
My mom…
Jacob.
I sang the last chorus of the song again, not wanting my comfort to end, strumming out the last harmony perfectly and letting it vibrate against my chest. I sat there for a few seconds, contemplating how the words reflected my life and how much I could relate to them. I took a deep breath, opening my eyes only to find Jacob looking at me with a gaze I didn’t recognize. Almost like it pained him to look at me.
I smiled, trying to break the unexpected tension between us.
He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded over his chest, dark and daunting.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.
“Long enough.”
I lowered my eyebrows as he continued with his inquisitive stare that I couldn’t quite place.
“That lip is going to fall off, Kid.”
“Can’t be any worse than when you bite it.”
He faintly smiled. “Why so sad?”
“It’s just the song, Jacob.”
“Liar.”
I shrugged. I didn’t know what else to say. Actually, I did. Except, I was afraid to share it with him. The last thing I needed was for him to think that I couldn’t handle us.
“Lily, maybe we—”
“Don’t you think it’s a little late for that,” I interrupted.
He leaned his head against the door, looking up at the ceiling for what felt like forever.
“I never wanted to hurt you. That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
He pushed off the wall and I stood, ready for whatever he had to throw at me. So I was shocked as shit when he pulled me into his arms to kiss me. His hands cupping my face with such love and tenderness that it made me weak in the knees.
“Fuck, Lily,” he groaned into my mouth.
I kissed him harder with as much passion as I could muster. We kissed for I don’t know how long, getting lost in each other just as I had with my guitar.
“Holy shit!” Alex cussed, walking in on us.
We immediately stepped away from each other, both of our hands in the air in dismay.
“Oh my God! Lucas is going to kill you. He’s going to murder you and hide the body. I’m going to know about it, I’m going to be an accomplice!” she shouted.
“Shhh...” Jacob hushed, immediately going to her and pulling her inside, shutting the door behind him. “It’s not what you think.”
“Not what I think? Did I not just walk in on you kissing Lucas’s baby sister? His sixteen-year-old sister! Oh my God, Jacob, you’re twenty-three! You could go to jail. Please tell me that’s all you guys are doing!”
“Shhh… calm down, someone will hear you,” he silenced her again.
“That’s what you’re concerned about?!”
I stepped toward her with a sincere expression displayed all over my face. “Alex, I love him,” I chimed in, grabbing her arm to look at me. “I’ve always loved him.”
I needed her to understand that this was serious, it wasn’t a school girl crush. Jacob was my core. He was my everything. She had to understand that, her more than anyone had to know where I was coming from.
What I felt…
We were one in the same.
“Lillian, stop saying that. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t even know what that means,” Jacob ordered in a demanding tone.
I hated when he pulled that card on me. All it did was piss me off. He knew what I said was true, but for some reason it made him feel better to say it or something.
“You love me, too! You just can’t say it out loud,” I replied, ready for battle, not caring that Alex was sitting right there watching it all.
“Stop! I mean it,” he urged in a desperate voice.
“Stop what? The truth? You wouldn’t keep kissing me if you didn’t love me. Who cares about our ages, it’s just a fucking number,” I reminded him for what felt like the millionth damn time.
“Watch your mouth,” he ordered with a finger in my face.
I shoved away his finger. “Screw you! You’re not my dad. I’m not a child.”
“Then stop fucking acting like one.”
“Oh my God,” Alex interrupted, making us both look at her. She looked like she had just seen a ghost. “She’s the girl, isn’t she? The one from last spring break? Jesus, how long has this been going on?” she asked with wide eyes going back and forth between us.
I wanted to say since birth, but I didn’t think it was the time or place to get that deep into how I felt.
“Nothing. Is. Going. On,” Jacob gritted out.
“Stop. Saying. That.” I clenched my fists, looking from him to her. “Why are you looking at us like that? You more than anyone should understand this.”
She immediately stood. “Me?” she argued. “What do I have to do with any of this?”
“You!” I pointed at her. “You love my brother, my brother loves you. You have loved each other since you were kids! The only reason you’re not together is because everyone else won’t mind their own goddamn business and just let it be. You would think you’re related or something. It’s so fucking stupid!”
There. I finally said it. Someone finally fucking said it.
“Lillian, watch your mouth,” Jacob scolded with a heated composure.
“Oh my God!”
Why isn’t anyone listening to me?
“Fuck you! Are you going to stand there and pretend you’re not one of the main reasons they aren’t together? You have been butting into their business since the beginning. You all have. I’m over it. It’s stupid. They love each other, exactly the way we do! Except you can’t get over the fact that I’m Lucas’s sister. Who cares? I don’t and neither should you.”
Alex shook her head, stepping back.
“You more than anyone can understand what it’s like, Alex. Please don’t stand there and be all judgmental, age is just a number. I’ve grown up with these boys as much as you have. It’s not like he's old enough to be my father or anything, now that would be gross.”
“Lily, it’s against the law,” she reminded.
If I heard that one more time…
“Fuck the law,” I let out.
Jacob was over to me in two strides. “I will not tell you again. Watch your fucking mouth.”
I put my hands up in the air, exhausted with all of this. There was only so much I could take, and I was reaching my breaking point.
“You know what? You two can stay in here and wallow in all this negative energy. I’m not going to stand by and allow it to affect me. I know you’ll come find me, Jacob, because you LOVE me! So let’s see who’s right and who’s wrong. I guarantee you that I won't be waiting long, stew on that for a little bit.” I turned and left.
Knowing in my heart.
He would follow me.
Alex sat down again, resting her elbows on her legs and laying her head in her hands. Neither one of us said anything for the longest time. My head hammered with the silence.
How could I have been so careless?
“I don’t know how it happened, Alex, I swear to God I don’t,” I honestly spoke, needing her to hear me say it. Needing her to understand. “One second she’s five years old running around in pigtails and then the next she’s sixteen. I tried. I tried like hell to ignore it. To ignore her, but you know Lily, she does what she wants, exactly like her brother. After your accident, she started opening up to me, and I let her because she was a kid and she needed a friend. I liked being around her, she reminded me so much of you. I don’t fucking know,” I sighed.
“Have you?”
“Fuck. No. All we do is kiss and that sounds a lot worse than it is,” I lied, it was a lot worse than that. I lied to one of my best friend’s because I didn’t want her to judge me. I already felt like a piece of shit. I didn’t need someone else reminding me what I already knew to be true. “We’ve kissed a few times and it didn’t start till her sixteenth birthday. I swear to God that girl is like a tornado and I can’t help but be sucked in.”
She raised her eyes to me, blown away from what I said. Or maybe it was just from the whole fucking situation.
“She’s going to be seventeen soon. I know that doesn’t make it any better, I know it doesn’t make it right. Fuck, Half-Pint, she’s not wrong. I think I’m in love with her, how fucked up is that?”
I was in love with her, but I couldn’t bring myself to fully admit it out loud, especially to Alex. I needed someone else’s perspective and Lily was right, Alex would understand more than anyone and I had done everything in my power to keep her and Lucas apart. I hated myself for that, especially at that moment when faced with her and the truth all around me, smacking me right in the goddamn face. She watched me pace around the room until I finally stopped and sat down in the desk chair, facing her, hunched forward with my arms on my legs.
“I have no idea what to say,” she softly said.
“I’m sorry, Alex. All these years, all I’ve ever done is… I mean… with Lucas and you… I just. Fuck… this is my fucking karma.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
“I know you don’t have to say it. I know,” I admitted, knowing that she wanted to say that I was right.
“Does anyone know?”
“Of course not.”
“What are you doing in her room? You know that could have been Lucas walking in here. Do you have any idea how bad he’s going to beat you for this? Oh my God, Jacob, he’s going to murder you.”
I lowered my eyes and peered at the ground, rubbing my hair back and forth, wanting to tear it the fuck out. “I know. You have no idea how many nights I’ve lost sleep because of this. I need to get away from her. It’s one of the reasons I’m applying to law school so far away. I need to put distance between us.”
“Does she know?”
I shook my head.
“Oh man…”
“I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This is the only thing I can do to make things right.” It nearly killed me to say it.
“She’s going to hate you.”
I sighed, knowing that she was right. Lily wouldn’t forgive me for this. “It is what it is. I can’t keep leading her on like this. I am sending mixed signals all the time, but I can’t help it. I can’t explain it either.”
“You don’t have to. I understand.”
I looked deep into her eyes. “Half-Pint, it was never about you. It was Lucas. None of us thought he was right for you. You deserve, you deserve someone like Cole.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry if I ever influenced anything that caused you pain. I love you,” I sincerely spoke.
She nodded. “I know. Everything happens for a reason.”
“You’re not going to tell—”
“I promise… but if this shit hits the fan, because it’s eventually going to, I’m going to claim I didn’t know anything. I'll pretend to be just as surprised as everyone else.”
I laughed and stood. “I’m going to—”
“Go.”
She watched me leave, realizing that Lily was right. It didn’t take me long to go after her.
Confirming that I did love her…
After all.
I found her on the beach by the pier. Sitting at the exact same spot when she found out her mom had cancer. I sat beside her. My hat was safely placed on her head and she looked like she’d been crying which was completely different from the girl that had left the room.
My carefree Lily was gone.
She stared off in front of her not looking away from the waves, almost as if she was in a trance.
“You’re leaving,” she stated.
“How did you—” I paused. “You heard.”
“I thought…” she shook her head. “I thought you were going to tell her that you love me. I thought you were going to tell her that you wanted to be with me. I thought you were going to tell her everything I’ve so badly wanted to hear.” She swallowed hard, her voice breaking, mimicking my heart.
“You didn’t tell her any of those things. You think you love me? I could understand why you lied about us just kissing, but Christ, Jacob… your karma? Really?”
“Lily… it wasn’t… I didn’t… fuck…” I breathed out, frustrated. “What was I supposed to say?”
“How the hell should I know? You never tell me anything. I knew you were applying to out of state schools because I thought you wanted to get the best education, not because you wanted to get away from me,” she swallowed her voice finally breaking, fresh tears falling down her beautiful face.
I wanted to hold her.
I wanted to comfort her.
I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay.
That I loved her.
I did none of those things. I sat there and watched the love of my life cry.
For me.
For everything I had done, for everything I couldn’t bring myself to say, for everything that she had overheard… for all of it.
“I’m sorry, Kid. I’m so fucking sorry,” I whispered, trying to keep my own voice from breaking.
“Just go, Jacob,” she sniffed still not looking at me.
“What?”
“You heard me. Just fucking go,” she whispered so low like she didn’t really want to say it.
“What about you?”
“What about me? I’m going to sit here. Watch the sun go down. Go home to my parents and continue to watch my mom die a little more every day,” she sobbed, wiping away her tears. “Alone. Because the guy I love doesn’t want me…” she broke down, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to pull her into my arms, but she pushed me away.
“Don’t!” she shouted. “Just go! It’s what you want to do anyways.”
“Lily, you know that’s not true.”
“What I thought I knew proved to be one big lie, so no, Jacob, I know nothing. Not one thing.”
“What am I doing to you? Look at you. This is my fault. I can’t keep doing this to you, Kid, it’s fucking killing me!”
“It’s always about you! What you feel, what you need, you, you, you! You don’t listen to me, you don’t hear me, and you blow me off because you think I’m a kid. I’m not a kid, Jacob. I may only be sixteen, but that doesn’t matter. I’m watching my mom die. Every day. No one talks about it. No one says anything when she’s throwing up all fucking day. No one says anything when she can’t get out of bed because the chemo is literally eating her from the inside out. No one says anything when she can’t eat, when she can’t move, when she can barely fucking talk! So, tell me, is that something a kid would see?”
I bowed my head, ashamed and remorseful.
“I wish I didn’t love you.”
I immediately raised my eyes to her. The look on her face crushed my already breaking heart.
“I wish I could stop loving you just so you would know how it feels.”
“That’s not fair, Lily,” I finally spoke.
“It doesn’t make it any less true. Just go… I don’t want you here anymore.”
“I wish it were that easy.”
She stood, looking down at me. “It is. Just watch me do it.” She took one last look at me and left.
I watched the girl that I loved more than anything walk away from me, except this time…
She took my heart with her.