I hadn’t slept for three fucking days.
I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and especially emotionally. Austin and Alex were in a car accident. Let me rephrase that, Austin drove while he was shitfaced, raced a friend through the woods, and crashed into a fucking tree. They were both in a coma, Austin much more severe than Half-Pint. I wanted to wring my hands around his fucking neck, but it wouldn’t help the situation, nothing would change the result of his decision. It was enough that Lucas may not ever talk to him again. Dylan and I tried our best to act as if we weren’t fucking livid or wanting to kill him. If we gave Lucas any more ammunition, he may pull the plug on his goddamn life support.
We all flew in as soon as we got the phone calls from our mothers. I had been surviving off coffee and five-hour energy drinks. I don’t think my body could have taken anymore, desperately needing to get some sleep before it officially gave out on me. I could have probably slept for days and still not felt human, yet I knew I wouldn’t be getting any peaceful sleep until they woke up.
I left Austin’s room and walked into Alex’s. “Hey,” I whispered, coming toward Lucas, who sat in the same chair in the corner of her room that he had been in for the last three days. “You been in to see Austin lately?”
“Yesterday.”
“Lucas…”
“Don’t,” he snapped.
“We’re all upset with him, but shit happens. He would never put Alex’s life in danger on purpose. He was stupid and irresponsible, he’s paying for it now.” I eyed Alex’s bed, putting on the best poker face I could master with Lucas.
This was bad.
This was the beginning of a long road ahead for all of us.
This is where we each placed our cars on different paths that would lead us to our own demise.
It all started here.
“And so is she,” he added, making me turn back around to face him.
I begrudgingly nodded and followed it up with a long deep sigh. He was right and that was something I couldn’t deny. “You going home to sleep?” I asked.
“Are you?” he countered.
I nodded again in understanding, putting my hands in my jean pockets, leaning against the wall with one foot over the other. I tried to shut my eyes but it was fucking hopeless, I couldn’t fall asleep.
Lucas and Alex’s moms walked in with Lily by their side, they had been here the whole time just taking cafeteria breaks here and there. It hadn’t been more than a few months since I last saw all of them. I smiled, remembering the last time I saw Lily, she was scared shitless. Every time I saw her she reminded me more of Alex, I thought their personalities were so similar. I would learn later in life that I couldn’t have been more wrong about that.
“Hey, Kid,” I greeted.
She wrapped her arms around my waist as I tugged her into my side. She was so fucking sad. She was a thirteen-year-old kid, and I knew it was scary for her to handle life-changing moments like these. Fuck, I was twenty and I barely held it together. For some reason I took off my ball cap and placed it on her head, she was always stealing it from me and it was the first time that I actually put it on her.
A sense of calm came over her almost immediately, making me feel better.
“Hi,” she softly spoke to her brother.
He smiled at her when she looked at him.
“Are you okay, Lucas?” she questioned, with concern and worry evident all over her face.
“I’ve been better.”
She bowed her head with empathy. Lily was intuitive and cared a lot for others, which was a blessing and a curse. The girl loved everyone.
“Lily is exhausted. Can you take her home?” their Mom asked, pulling all of us away from our thoughts.
“I can’t leave Jana,” she whispered low not wanting to disturb her. Jana was in her own little world, holding Half-Pint’s hand.
I always knew Lucas and Alex loved each other, we all did, but I think I was aware of it more than Dylan or Austin though I’m not quite sure why. I tried everything to keep them apart, but at that moment I couldn’t be a fucking asshole. Lucas was hurting. I couldn’t imagine being in his shoes if I felt like I was dying… it must have been like he was already in the grave.
He was about to open his mouth to say something, but I beat him to the punch. “I’ll take her home,” I stated.
“You sure? Robert is on call and he won't leave the hospital until something happens with Austin or Alex. Do you mind staying over? Lily can’t be—”
“Mom,” Lily interrupted, looking embarrassed.
I smiled again. She always had that effect on me. “It’s okay, Kid, it’s more for my benefit, I don’t like to sleep in a house by myself.”
She grinned, I could tell she knew I lied but appreciated the sentiment nonetheless.
“Thank you,” their mom mouthed to me.
I winked at her as Lily gave Lucas a tight hug. Their mom kissed the top of her head, and then Lily wrapped her arms around me again as we walked out of the room together.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, looking at the time, surprised that it was ten fifteen pm.
She shook her head no, maintaining her stare out the passenger side window.
“Kid, let me feed you.”
She just shrugged, it was completely unlike her not to talk. Most of the time you couldn’t get her to stay quiet.
I pulled into the Dairy Queen drive-thru and ordered two blizzards with the works, hot fudge, peanuts, crushed Oreos, and chocolate chips. I saw her smiling from the corner of my eye. She took her blizzard and didn’t have to be told again to eat something. I ate mine while I drove, and she finished hers before I was even halfway done, eyeing mine too. I handed it to her.
The Ryders’ all had a sweet tooth.
I told Lily goodnight as we walked up the stairs, going into Lucas’s bedroom to grab a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt from his dresser.
There was a soft knock on his door.
“Come in.”
Lily walked in dressed for bed, once again looking sad and upset. “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? It’s not the scary dudes this time. I’m over that. It’s just the last few nights I have been having nightmares of Austin and Alex. My mom told me what happened, and I keep picturing it in my sleep.”
“Oh, Kid…” I sympathized.
Her eyes watered, and I was over to her in two strides, wrapping my arms around her tiny, small frame. “They’re going to be okay.”
“Promise?”
“Promise,” I lied, knowing it was probably a bad idea, but she was a kid and didn’t need to be worrying about grown-up things.
I followed her into her bedroom and sat in her office chair. It didn’t take long for her breathing to even out letting me know she was fast asleep, silently wishing it could be that easy for me. I went to the bathroom aiming straight for the medicine cabinet needing something to help me sleep. I found some Nyquil and took it with me into Lucas’s room. I took more than the suggested two teaspoons just because I needed to get some goddamn rest. I didn’t want to think about anything else, I didn’t want to worry about anything else, and I sure as fuck didn’t want to envision anything else.
I lay down in Lucas’s bed and it didn’t take long for a dead sleep to drag me under as well.
I gasped and sat straight up in my bed from the same freaking nightmare I had been having for the last few nights. My lamp was on, and I didn’t give it any thought as I got out of my bed and made my way into Lucas’s bedroom. He always let me crawl into bed with him when I was scared.
That’s just the type of amazing brother he was to me.
I missed him. I missed my parents being here. I missed Half-Pint and Austin. I wanted things to go back to the way they were a few days ago. I prayed every night and every morning for them to be okay, for them to wake up. I walked into his bedroom and it was then that I remembered that Lucas wasn’t home with me, Jacob was. I bit my lip trying to decide what to do. I didn’t want to go back to my room and be by myself. Jacob was passed out sleeping on Lucas’s side of the bed. Lying on his back with one arm behind his head and the other on his stomach, he had the comforter pulled to his chest. A bottle of Nyquil sat on the nightstand, I felt bad waking him up to ask him if he could stay with me again, he looked exhausted on our drive home.
I slid into the bed, extremely careful not to wake him, leaving plenty of space in between us like I did with Lucas. As soon as I lay beside him I felt better.
I closed my eyes and for the first time in three nights…
I slept with no nightmares.
I was the first one to wake the next morning, looking out the window there was barely any light outside. I was about to wipe the sleep away from my eyes when I realized I was holding Jacob’s hand. He was in the same position as last night and I was too, yet our hands had gravitated to each other. I guess we were both exhausted. I didn’t want him to think that I was a baby, unable to sleep by myself, this being the second time he had to stay with me. I carefully made my way out of the bed and left before he woke up.
Bringing my hand that had been holding his to my face.
Smiling.