Three hundred and sixty-five days.
Fifty-two weeks.
Twelve months.
One year…
That’s how long it had been since I last talked to Lily.
Since I stopped fucking living.
I said goodbye to her the only way I could. I told her I had met someone new. I was happy and in love.
She didn’t talk to me again.
I was the only one to blame.
It was a lie. It was all one big fucking lie. A façade I conjured up. I never met anyone. There was no girlfriend. No committed relationship. I wasn’t happy and madly in love.
It was all complete and utter bullshit.
I always knew what we were doing was wrong, not because I didn’t love her but because of our circumstances. My conversation with Lucas just put everything in perspective. I was holding Lily back. It wasn’t fair to her, she deserved to be loved without hiding, and she deserved so much more than I could offer her. People would say I was being a coward, a pussy. That I took the easy way out and they would be right, but when it came to Lily, I would lay myself down any day if it meant she got to be happy.
I told Lily what I had to, lying to those big brown eyes that I always saw myself in. Then planted the seed with Lucas and my mom, knowing damn well they would unintentionally tell her. She would believe it because I never lied to her before this time. This was the first and last time I ever did. I couldn’t even look at myself in the goddamn mirror anymore. I promised her, swore to her that I would never lie to her. That she could trust me wholeheartedly.
I’m a fucking bastard.
Their mom was getting worse. My mom said she barely recognized her anymore. She wanted to host Christmas Eve at her house. As much as I tried to come up with an excuse on why I shouldn’t be there, I couldn’t. She had been like a second mom to me, to all of us. I owed it to her to be there.
It may be her last.
“Hello,” I answered my cell phone.
“Hey, honey,” Lily’s mom greeted. “How are you?”
“Good. How are you?”
“I’m great. Can’t wait to see everyone. It will be nice to have all of you together again. It’s a shame no one can get a hold of Austin, I would have loved to have all of you kids together one last…” she hesitated like she hadn’t meant to say that. “Anyway,” she laughed. “I was calling because I hear you’re getting serious with someone.”
“Mmm hmm…” was all I could say.
“Your mom said she didn’t know if she was coming home with you. I wanted to make sure I prepare enough food and everything. Plus I’d love to meet her, Jacob,” she requested in an unfamiliar tone. “I mean if you’re serious and all, it would be normal for her to come, right?”
I didn’t say anything. Not. One. Word. I was too disoriented by the way she spoke to me, almost as if she was testing me.
Did she know? No… Wait? Did she?
“Umm,” I shook off the confusion. “I don’t—”
“Jacob, I think it would be a really good idea if you brought her. For everyone.”
“Do you… I mean…” I mumbled, not being able to form the words. “Do you know—”
She cut me off. “Honey, I have to go. Lucas just got here with the turkey. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I can’t wait to meet her! Have a safe flight. Love you.” She hung up, and I sat there perplexed for the next hour.
She knew.
I knew Jacob was coming to my house for Christmas Eve.
I just never thought he would have the balls to come with her. I watched him walk in, his hand firmly placed in hers with his gaze tightly locked on me. I didn’t look at her at all… not for one fucking second. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, a goddamn year. Not so much as a text. Nothing. He didn’t even text me on my eighteenth birthday. He never missed a birthday, not one. I think that hurt most of all.
I was an adult.
A woman.
But I never felt more like a child than I did at that moment, the reality of his lies staring me right in the face. I was the first to break our connection, if I didn’t, I would have called him a liar right there in front of our families and friends.
I watched him flaunt her in front of me, standing a little too close to her, touching her face a little too often, whispering things in her ear a little too much. It was like he was trying to make a point, I couldn’t fathom his actions. After Cole had made his big announcement, which in my eyes was more of a pissing contest and a big fuck you to my brother, I witnessed Lucas physically break down in front of me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get the fuck out of there.
So I ran.
I ran out into our backyard, needing air, space, and a fucking sledgehammer.
“Fuck! I can’t get a break,” I shouted, running into Jacob, who was sitting on the patio steps. I immediately turned to go back inside, but the door locked behind me. “Of course, why wouldn’t the door lock? Am I going to get struck by lightning now, God?” I peered up at the sky, shaking my head and staring back into Jacob’s amused face.
“Where’s your whore, I mean your girlfriend?” I spewed not being able to hold back.
His expression quickly turned desolate and I lashed out.
“I thought you said you would never lie to me.”
He grimaced, it was quick, but I saw it. “I haven’t.”
“Liar!”
He stood and came toward me. “Kid, I—”
I pushed him. I shoved him with all the strength I could muster. He didn’t even falter. I might as well have shoved a brick wall. I screamed out my frustration.
“FUCK YOU! I hate you! I hate you!” I repeated, hitting him all over his chest.
I took out a years worth of frustration on him. Beating his chest over and over again.
All my sadness.
My despair.
My love for him that wouldn’t go away.
My hate for him because he lied to me.
I saw my mom’s diminishing life. My brother’s fucking misery over his star-crossed love. My dad being alone after she was gone.
I saw it all.
With each push and every blow that hit his body, I felt a little more of myself die. The carefree, happy girl was gone. All that was left was someone I didn’t recognize anymore, someone I never wanted to be. I hit him harder and he let me. Not once did he try to block me or hold me. Not once did he try to comfort me.
And I didn’t know which one was worse, which one hurt more. Tearing into my anguish of a future that didn’t include my mother or him.
“Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you hurt me all the time? Why do you keep breaking my fucking heart?” I shouted, moving away from him and not being able to look into his lying eyes any longer.
“Kid… I’m hanging on by a thread here.”
“You think I’m so stupid. I’m one big fucking child! You think I don’t know. That’s what hurts the most, Jacob.” Tears slid down my face. “Why would you lie to me?”
“Lily, I don’t—”
“Stop fucking lying!” I yelled, raising my eyes to his. “I know! I know she’s not your girlfriend. I know you lied! You made me think for this entire year that you had found someone and it’s a lie. It’s all one big fucking lie.”
He jerked back for the first time like I had hit him, this time it wasn’t by my actions but by the truth of my words.
“I knew it the second you walked inside with her. You can pretend all you want, flaunt her in my fucking face, but the truth is in your eyes, Jacob. It’s always been in your goddamn eyes.”
I bowed my head, shutting my eyes.
“Exactly. Go ahead and hide them.”
It all made sense now. That’s why her mom wanted her to come, but why? Did she want Lily to hate me even more? Nothing made sense. Not one fucking thing.
“Why did you lie to me? You owe me at least that.”
“Lily, when was the last time you went out with your friends?” I looked at her with the sincerest expression spread across my face. “When was the last time you did something normal? Went on a date? Had a boyfriend? The last time you did anything but wait for me? You’re still waiting for me.”
“That was not your choice to make. It was mine.”
“Not when your brother is telling me your family is worried about you. Not when he’s telling me that they're terrified you’re going to look back on all these years and regret missing out on everything. Not when he’s telling me that you’ve become withdrawn, you never do anything, or leave your fucking house.” I stepped toward her until we were a few inches apart.
“Not when he’s telling me that all you do is sit on your phone, texting and talking to someone. To me.” I hit my chest. “To fucking me, Lily. I’m taking you away from everything. That’s not healthy. I’m hurting you when I’m with you, and I’m hurting you when I’m not. I can’t fucking win either way.”
“So you lie?” She wiped away her tears before I did it for her.
“What other choice did I have? Tell me? What can I do? I can’t be with you and it’s fucking killing me that I can’t be without you.”
“You promised me! You swore to me that you would never lie to me. I believed you! I trusted you!”
“It was the only way.”
“To make me hate you,” she added the words I couldn’t say, and I faintly nodded with bile rising up my throat.
“Where’s your girlfriend?”
“Do you think if she mattered I would be out here?”
“Who is she?”
“Does it matter? Jesus Christ, Lily, I can’t even look at you. Do you know how much that kills me? You’re my favorite fucking thing to look at.”
She slowly backed away from me and it took everything inside me not to throw myself on my knees and beg her to forgive me.
“That makes two of us.” And with that she turned and left.
Leaving me with nothing but regret for the things I couldn’t take back and the same things I desperately wished I could change.
I left him standing there.
I couldn’t stand the sight of him. Not for one more second. He didn’t deserve one more second. I barely had time to register everything that had just happened or what I was feeling when I heard soft whimpering coming from my garage. I walked toward the noise, the silence around me almost deafening. The bass from the music playing inside my house coincided with the crying as I got closer to the side door.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I could, barging inside the garage, halting as soon as I saw the sight in front of me.
Aubrey…
On the cement ground, clutching her stomach, and rolling around in pain.
Jeremy…
Looming, hovering above her like a monster, a villain in a horror movie.
I immediately hurled into action, sliding on my knees to Aubrey. “Get the fuck away from her! Dad! Lucas!” I screamed, fearing the music inside would be too loud for them to hear. Aubrey started to move her head back and forth in my lap. I didn’t understand if she was telling me to stop or keep going.
“Dad! Lucas!” I yelled even louder.
“Shut your goddamn mouth, little girl,” he gritted out.
“Fuck you!” He came at me just as the garage door opened, stopping him mid-action. We both looked behind me. There was Dylan standing in front of us, looking from him to us and back to him again. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle within seconds. Rage was written all over his face.
He closed the door and charged him, knocking him over with his entire body. They both fell to the ground and Aubrey shuddered, moving to the side to try to get up. I helped her as Dylan and Jeremy wrestled around on the floor.
“Please… please… stop,” she begged for I don’t know who, walking toward them. I grabbed her arm holding her back.
“You piece of fucking shit!” Dylan roared, hitting him. “You like to beat women, motherfucker!” He hit him again, slamming his head on the concrete.
“Lily, he’s going to kill him.”
I looked at her like she was crazy. “Who cares, he was hurting you.”
“I’m fine. Please, Dylan, please stop!”
“You sack of fucking shit.” He ignored her.
“Please, Dylan, if you ever loved me… please stop.”
He instantly stopped, stood up and spit on his face. What happened next shocked the shit out of both of us.
Aubrey went to him.
She went to Jeremy.
The man who was fucking kicking her ass when I walked in.
“What are you doing?” Dylan asked, gripping her arm.
She roughly snatched it out of his grip. “Mind your own goddamn business. Leave!” she ordered, her demeanor quickly turning callous.
“Have you lost your fucking mind? Get the fuck up, Aubrey! I’m taking this piece of shit in.” He grabbed his phone and she knocked it out of his hand, the screen cracking on the floor.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you defending him?” he argued.
I stood there not being able to move or say one damn thing. Their problems making mine look childish in comparison.
“You know why. Leave. Leave now.”
“You can’t be serious? You think I’m really going to leave you with him? Give me some goddamn credit, Aubrey.”
“If you don’t leave, Dylan, I swear I’ll never let you…” she hesitated, but she didn’t have to continue because he understood her warning.
“Un-fucking-believable. I loved you. I still fucking love you and you stand there and defend this piece of shit.”
She swallowed hard her resolve breaking.
“I guess I really never knew you at all.”
She shut her eyes. I could physically feel her pain from the distance between us. Dylan took one last look at her before kicking Jeremy in the stomach, peering down at him with disgust.
“Mark my words, motherfucker, one day I’m going to fucking kill you.”
He grabbed my hand and led me out through the side door, and I halted as soon as we were a few feet away.
“What are you doing? We can’t leave her in there. We have to tell someone. You have to arrest him. Go back in there, Dylan!”
His teeth clenched. “I don’t have a choice.”
“Why?”
“Lily, just pretend you didn’t see that tonight. Do you understand? For me. Do it for me.”
“You can’t ask me to do that.”
“I’m not asking.”
“Dylan, I—”
“Lily, you know I love you. Don’t make me say it. We both know what I’m talking about. I’ve kept my mouth quiet, now it’s time for you to return the favor.”
I stepped back, the impact of his words being too much. He nodded in realization that I understood his simple yet powerful request. He kissed my head and left me standing there.
All I could think was…
What. The. Fuck?