“GOODNIGHT, SWEET GIRL,” I whispered to Gracie, her eyes already drifting closed as I placed her in her crib.
“Ni-Ni,” she mumbled, and my heart began to flutter. I was amazed at how much she had begun talking just in the past couple of weeks. Her first birthday was right around the corner, and I was half convinced my baby was a genius. I knew most moms probably thought that about their children. I just happen to be right.
But part of me knew that her comfort level probably encouraged her vocabulary. She didn’t have to witness violence anymore or see me fearful of her father. And I was so thankful that I didn’t have to worry about him taking his anger out on her anymore.
I crawled into my bed, courtesy of Safe Haven, and tried to shake thoughts of Aaron from my mind. I hated that he wouldn’t just let us go, although I knew deep down that he wasn’t going to make this easy, no matter how much I hoped for it. It wasn’t who he was.
“Who was he?” Aaron’s voice slurred in my ear, waking me from my light slumber. Ever since I’d had Gracie, I felt as if I slept with one eye open, constantly worried about her. I suppose that was normal for new mothers.
“What?” My voice was raspy and a little hoarse from the cold I’d been trying to fight off, fearing I’d pass it on to my daughter. She was only three months old, I didn’t want her to get sick.
“Don’t play dumb.” The alcohol on his breath caused my nose to crinkle as he roughly pressed his forehead to the side of my face.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Aaron,” I whispered, not wanting to wake the baby who was sleeping peacefully in the bassinet next to me. He’d been out late again, and I should have known he would come home in a foul mood. It was pretty normal since Gracie was born.
“I saw his truck pull out of the driveway when I pulled in, don’t lie to me,” he growled, and grabbed a handful of my hair, wrapping it around his clenched fist.
I bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry out in pain, determined not to wake the baby.
“I don’t know. I swear,” I whispered, pain radiating from my scalp down to my neck, as he yanked me upright.
“Aaron, please, don’t.” I knew my begging would only make things worse, but the pain was excruciating.
“If you don’t tell me the truth, it’s just going to get worse.” His anger seethed, and my fear was amplified when I heard the baby stir in her bassinet.
I knew I had to try and grasp some type of control of the situation. I had been here too many times, I knew how bad it was going to get if I didn’t.
“Aaron, baby, I swear. I was sleeping. No one was here. I promise. I love you. Only you.” I forced quiet sweetness to fall from my lips, putting my pain on the back burner just to get through this.
Again.
Thankfully, he released his grasp on my hair and fell back onto his pillow.
“Show me.” He grabbed my wrist tightly and pulled me closer to him.
This was the last thing I wanted right now, but I knew I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had to do this or suffer the consequences.
I swiped my hand across my cheek, determined to push the tears, and that memory, aside, at least for now. But thoughts of Aaron caused me to jump out of bed and double check the doors and windows, making sure everything was secure.
I tip-toed into Gracie’s bedroom and watched over her briefly, watching her tummy rise and fall, sleeping peacefully. I forced myself to let her sleep in her bed instead of scooping her up and taking her to my room. I knew it would have been selfish and only to give myself comfort.
Instead, I walked back into my dark room and crawled back into my bed. We had an early day tomorrow, and I was determined to stick with my plan. Sure, I had plenty to do around the apartment, or I could even make the decision to just lounge around and be lazy in our own place. It was Sunday after all. I had the ability to do that now, without being talked down to for taking a break.
But deep down I knew where I needed to be, and that’s where we were going.