“THAT WAS THE best food I’ve ever had in my life.” Joshua arched his back and rubbed his hand over his flat stomach. I tried not to stare, especially since he’d chosen a seat right next to me, it would have been more than obvious.
“That’s what you said last year.” Vicky brushed away his compliment as she stood from the table.
“Honey, when he’s right, he’s right. At least the man has good taste.” Lee smiled, keeping most of his attention on the assortment of slices of pie sitting on the plate in front of him.
“He definitely has good taste.” Vicky gave me a quick wink before turning her attention to Gracie, who was on the other side of me. She was sitting in a high chair, popping mini marshmallows in her mouth. She’d had a few bites of turkey and decided she was more interested in the candied yams. Luckily, more of the food ended up in her mouth instead of the floor, which was the norm. It’s like she knew that she needed to be on her best behavior today. She was mastering it beautifully, and I was so grateful.
“The food was great, sis.” Alex, Vicky’s brother, let out a sigh and stood to his feet. “Do you need some help cleaning up?” he asked.
“That’d be—” Vicky began before Angela, Alex’s fiancé, spoke up.
“Actually, let’s go for a walk, baby.” Her high-pitched voice resembled nails on a chalk board. I scolded myself for the comparison, but it really was almost impossible not to. “I need to get my steps in; I’ve been super lazy today.” She tapped the oversized hot pink fitness tracker she wore around her wrist. Then she tossed her used napkin over her half-eaten plate of food and rose to her feet. She slid her hot pink nails down her matching hot pink jump suit before pulling a tube of lip gloss from her pocket. She began to apply the shiny makeup over her lips as she walked away from the table. I glanced at Vicky who was gripping a fork between her fist in a weapon style fashion.
“Sure, baby.” Alex shrugged his shoulders at Vicky, ignoring her annoyance at his future wife and followed behind her.
I forced the giggle that was threatening to escape my lips way down deep and had to clear my throat to help it along.
“I’ll help you clean up!” I chimed in, still fighting back my laughter. Luckily, my voice drew Vicky out of attack mode and she looked at me, her eyes wide.
“Can you believe her?” she mouthed, before rolling her eyes.
“We can handle it,” I whispered, giving her a quick wink and began gathering my plate and glass.
“I’ll help too.” Joshua stood, and his broad shoulder brushed against me, as he leaned forward to get his own arm load of dishes. A tiny shiver ran up my spine from his touch, and I had to force myself to let out my breath.
“Y’all are great. Thank you.” She smiled, but I could still see the annoyance on her face. She tried to hide it, but it was there.
A few minutes later, Joshua and I oversaw loading the dishwasher as Vicky stayed in the dining room, covering the leftovers that were still displayed on her buffet table. Lee had retreated to his grill outside and the rest of the company had made their way into the living room. Gracie had fallen asleep for her afternoon nap a few seconds after I got her cleaned up and was cozy on the sofa next to Madi, who had all her attention on the screen of her phone.
We were cleaning in silence for a few minutes, but I could feel Joshua’s need to speak. His body was rigid, and I noticed the hard line of his jaw each time I would sneak a peak in his direction.
“Are you ever going to go out on a date with me again? On purpose, I mean?” He continued to rinse a plate before handing it to me. We stood for a moment, eyes locked, each of us with a grip on either side of the plate.
“What do you mean?” I pulled the plate from his grasp, gave him a grin, and slid in onto the dishwasher rack.
“Don’t do that!” He leaned against the sink and folded his arms across his broad chest, his fitted shirt pressed against him.
“Do what?” I gave him a confused look.
“Act all cute and avoid my question.” He raised his brow and gave me a knowing look.
“I don’t do that.” I tried to hide my grin, turning my eyes downward and staring at the stack of dishes.
“Sure you do, all the time.” He unfolded his arms and took a few steps around the dishwasher until he was standing directly in front of me and placed his hand on my waist.
“I know I’m not imagining this connection between us, and I know you feel it too.”
He wasn’t imagining it, and I did feel it. But it was so much more complicated than that. I had a child. I was broken and unworthy of someone like him. He was too pure for my baggage. He deserved someone who was...different than me.
“This is just hard to me,” I admitted. And it was. Hard to fight my attraction to him. Hard to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t good enough for someone like him. Hard to stop myself from falling for him. Because in the end, it would only hurt worse.
“It doesn’t have to be, Ryan.” He bit his bottom lip briefly, and I could see the concern on his face. It gutted me.
“There’s just so much you don’t know, Joshua.” His name rolled from my lips like I could say it every day for the rest of my life.
“But I want to know. I want to learn everything about you.” He took another small step forward until our bodies were almost touching. Almost. My breathing began to quicken, and my insides began to tremble from his closeness.
“It’s complicated. My life is complicated.” I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I got angry with myself in an instant as I watched his concern turn to worry.
“What if complicated doesn’t bother me?” He ran his other hand across my cheek.
“But it should. It really should.” I swallowed, forcing the lump in my throat to make its exit.
“Why don’t you leave that decision up to me?” I watched as his eyes wavered from my lips to my eyes and back up again. He wanted to kiss me, I could feel it.
“Oh, sorry.” Madi’s voice startled me, causing me to jump, and Joshua backed up just a bit. I glanced around his frame and saw Gracie in her arms.
“Hey, baby!” I smiled at Gracie, who was still half asleep, but started to reach for me as soon as we made eye contact. I scooted around Joshua, giving him a small smile before turning my attention to my daughter.
“Did you have a good nap?” I asked her, cradling her against me as she nuzzled into me.
“I tried to get her back to sleep, but she kept asking for you.” She smiled, apologetically, and I knew she felt guilty for interrupting us.
“Madi, honey, it’s totally fine.” I gave her a smile and hoped she could read my thoughts. She gave me a nod and then turned on her heel, leaving just the three of us in the kitchen.
“She loves her mama,” Joshua spoke from behind me, and I felt his presence draw closer to me. Gracie lifted her head and began to giggle.
Out of curiosity, I glanced over my shoulder and saw Joshua making faces at her. Her quiet giggles becoming boisterous laughs. Her chuckle was infectious, and within a few seconds all three of us were laughing.
The deep chuckle and the contrasting high pitched giggle on either side of me caused my chest to tighten. I couldn’t explain the feeling swirling around in my body, and the overwhelming urge to cry through my laughter.
You are worthy.
The quiet whisper caused an immediate tear to slide down my cheek. I brushed it away without anyone noticing and tried to keep the others at bay.
I wanted to be worthy. I really did.