“I’M NOT READY for this. I can’t do it.” My voice shook, fear coursing through my veins as I applied a light lip gloss with shaky hands. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and then at Alana, who was standing over my shoulder.
“You can. You fight him. You fight for her.” I wish I had her grit.
I’d been dreading this day since my lawyer called me. I knew it was inevitable. But I wasn’t ready.
“I’ll be right there with you, Ryan.” Vicky popped into my tiny bathroom, joining Alana and me.
“Thank you, guys, for being there for me.” I turned on my heel, so I could see them face-to-face, instead of a reflection.
“That’s what family does.” Vicky reached out and put her arms around me. Tears welled up in my eyes at that single word.
Family.
I heard the patter of tiny feet coming closer and noticed Gracie making her appearance, placing her hand on the doorframe for balance, although she really didn’t need assistance anymore. Just a week shy of her first birthday, and my girl was walking like a pro.
The sight of her gave me the shot of courage that I needed. I knew I had to do this. I didn’t have a choice. I could only pray that things went in my favor.
Praying. I had done so much of it lately. I was still new at it, but it gave me hope. And hope was all I had at this point. I just needed God to hear me. I couldn’t really grasp the fact that he could hear my cries, especially when I knew so many other people were praying to Him at the same time. But Vicky told me that was when I had to trust Him. Trust His power. That’s all I had at this point.
Hope.
Trust.
Prayer.
“We better go. I don’t want to be late.” I scooped Gracie in my arms and gave her a kiss on the forehead before handing her off to Alana.
“Thanks again for watching her.” I let out a nervous sigh.
“Are you kidding? I love this little munchkin.” She began to tickle Gracie under the chin, who responded with a boisterous giggle.
We made our way into the living room, where Alana’s boys had a makeshift race track set up with their random toys. They were completely oblivious to everything around them, until Gracie squirmed out of Alana’s arms, determined to join them. They welcomed her with smiles.
The sound of a text message startled me, causing my already nervous body to jump.
“Geez,” I muttered to myself as Vicky gave me a sympathetic look.
I saw Joshua’s name flash across the screen and guilt hit me straight in the gut. I hadn’t seen him since our date a few days ago, but we’d exchanged texts frequently. Obviously, I hadn’t mentioned my court date but I hated that I felt like I needed to. I knew the details of my life would drive him away, and I liked the company that he gave me. He gave me a sense of comfort I hadn’t felt in years. I knew it would flee soon enough, but I wasn’t ready just yet.
Joshua: Good morning, beautiful.
My heart began to pound even harder, but for different reasons. I didn’t deserve the attention he gave me or the sweet words he used. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.
Me: Morning. You’re too sweet. :)
I tried not to let my nerves show through in a text message. Now wasn’t the time to be upfront with him.
Joshua: I just have to head to the shop for a few hours today. Do you two want to have dinner with me tonight?
I wanted to. Desperately.
Me: I’m sorry. I have plans.
Joshua: Oh, okay. Another time?
Me: Soon, I promise.
Joshua: I’m counting on it.
I stared at the screen watching the bubbles float until another message came through.
Joshua: Can I call you later?
Me: Sure
I wanted to sound casual and not give any inclination that it was possible my entire world I worked so hard to build, could very well shatter in an instant. My entire life depended on what some judge, who didn’t even know the evil that Aaron was capable of, decided.
I turned my phone on silent and slid it back inside my purse. I had to put any distractions aside and focus on the task at hand.
“Let’s go,” I sighed as we headed into the brisk morning air.
“Love you, Gracie!” I yelled over my shoulder before closing the door behind me.
“It’s going to be okay. I just know it.” Vicky patted my shoulder as we walked to our cars.
“Are you sure you don’t want to ride together?” she asked, giving me a worried look.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll probably have to speak to my lawyer afterwards, regardless of the outcome.”
“But I don’t mind waiting,” she assured me.
“I know. But it’s okay. I’ll see you there.” I nodded my head and she did the same before we each retreated to our own vehicles.
I drove to the courthouse in complete silence, the radio off, swimming in my own thoughts.
We pulled into the crowded parking lot. I found a spot and watched from my rearview mirror as Vicky drove the aisles searching for her own.
“Please, God. Help me. Please let the judge see the situation for what it is. See Aaron for who he is. Please don’t let him take my baby.” I tilted my head back, determined to keep the tears from sliding down my cheeks. “Amen,” I mumbled with a shaky voice, before opening my door. I walked to the front entrance and waited for Vicky who was a few steps behind me.
“Do you want to pray before we go in?” she asked.
“I just did.” I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to distract the tears that were threatening to make an appearance, again.
“Me too.” She smiled and opened the heavy glass door. We stood in the short line, waiting to get scanned with a metal detector before proceeding to the third floor.
Here we go.