“SMELLS GOOD.” THE sound of Aaron’s voice caused my body to stiffen as he pressed his fingertips into my sides.
“Thanks. It’s almost ready.” I did my best to keep my voice steady, determined not to reveal anything different about this morning. As far as he knew, it was just like any other day.
“Thanks, honey.” He pressed his lips to my temple before squeezing my bottom and then walked away from me. Gracie’s voice squealed through the kitchen and I glanced over my shoulder. She gave me a toothy grin, waving her mushy banana in my direction. Aaron did what he usually did when Gracie begged for his attention. He ignored her.
I couldn’t understand how any father could refuse to bond with his own daughter. I was lucky in that aspect. My dad loved me and always showed affection. I just wished he was still here. It would make all of this so much easier. And maybe it wouldn’t have taken me this long to grow a backbone.
I pushed the memories of my parents to the back of my mind. I didn’t have time to think about them this morning. I had to focus. The last thing I needed was for Aaron to notice any distraction or change in my demeanor.
“Here you go.” I placed the four-course breakfast platter in front of my husband as he sat at the kitchen table he chose, sipping his coffee and staring at his phone, without even glancing in my direction.
“Do you need more coffee?” I did my best to give him a smile, although the soreness on my cheek was a stark reminder of the night before.
“If I want more coffee, I’ll tell you to bring me more coffee.” He gave me a disgruntled snarl before turning his attention back to his phone. I simply turned on my heel and began to load the dishwasher, making sure not to let him see my face, fearing he would find something wrong with my expression and have a repeat of the incident last night.
“I gotta go.” Aaron stood and grabbed his suit jacket from the back of the kitchen chair, draping it over his forearm before sauntering in my direction. I forced a small smile across my face as he came in for a kiss. I puckered my lips and accepted his affection—but inwardly felt a cringe run up my spine—while noticing a tiny hickey poking out of the collar of his designer button-up shirt. I knew good and well that it wasn’t from me. But again, this wasn’t anything new either.
“Ok, have a good day.” I waved before he turned his back to me and shuffled his designer shoes out of the kitchen, without so much as acknowledging our daughter.
Jerk.
I turned my attention to Gracie, who was busy spreading her mushed banana over the top of her high chair, concentrating on the masterpiece she was creating with her very own hands.
“Try to do something today. Don’t sit around watching those stupid talk shows all day.” His voice boomed through the house, and I knew better than to meet his demand with silence. I would pay for it sooner, rather than later, if I did that.
“I’m getting started now.” My voice carried the fake sweetness that I had mastered over the years.
“Love you.” His deep voice rumbled down my spine as I heard his keys tinkering in the distance.
“Love you too,” I replied, suddenly aware of the butterflies that were flailing around in the pit of my stomach. My hands began to tremble as I set the plate half full of food in the sink, buying time until I heard his car pull out of the driveway.
“We can do this, baby girl,” I whispered, wiping Gracie’s hands with a damp cloth but instinctively looking around, fearing that he could somehow hear me.
I pulled my daughter from her high chair and scurried to the window, opening it just slightly, making sure he was indeed on his way to work. My body began to tremble as my nerves moved front and center.
“Mamamama!” Gracie squealed as she patted her chubby hands against my cheeks, while I locked both locks on the front door, giving myself a heads up in case he decided to come back unexpectedly.
I made my way to Gracie’s bedroom first and placed her in the crib, trying to keep myself calm enough to complete the task at hand. I pulled a large diaper bag from her closet and began to fill it with her necessities. Diapers. Wipes. Clothes. A few of her favorite toys. I darted quickly into the kitchen and pulled a few bottles from the cabinet and two large cans of formula, knowing it wouldn’t last long, but realizing I could only carry so much. I also threw a few jars of baby food into the bag, with juice and spoons.
The reality of what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. I was taking my baby from the only home she’d ever known. I was throwing away every bit of stability she had and running. I tried to shake the guilty feeling, knowing that this was something I had to do. I had no doubt that one of these days Aaron’s abuse would escalate, and I would end up in the hospital—or worse—and then she wouldn’t have anyone.
Her cries in the distance pulled me from my thoughts and I took another peak out the window before continuing. I pulled a duffle bag from the closet I shared with Aaron and began to fill it with a few clothes and toiletries. I pushed my clothes aside to make my way to the back of the closet. I dug my hand inside my winter coat, pulling the wad of cash that I had been stashing for the last few months. Aaron had a tight hold on the money, so I did everything I could to acquire what I could. I didn’t really have access to cash, so getting cash back from the grocery store was the easiest way. Twenty dollars here, fifty dollars there. It added up, and there wasn’t a trace; thankfully Aaron never looked at the grocery store receipts, only the bank statement. His drunken escapades left loose cash in his laundry that he never asked about; so, thankfully that helped also. I had to gather every dollar I could.
I’d been working on this plan for months, but never really knew when I would execute it. And to be honest, I don’t even know my reasoning for today being the day. A punch in the face from Aaron wasn’t anything new. I’d experienced it more times than I could count. But something inside of me decided it was the last.
Once everything was in place and my car was packed up, I knew I had to do one last thing to make sure it was safe to do this. I grabbed my cell and dialed Aaron’s office number. His secretary patched me through, her usual attitude on full display; no doubt that she had a special relationship with my husband and a call from his wife was the last thing she wanted to deal with.
“Yeah,” his distracted voice came over the receiver, his annoyance obvious.
“Hey.” I forced sweetness to ooze from my lips.
“What, Ryan? I’m busy,” he spat in my ear, but it rolled off my back, the least of my worries.
I rambled off the speech that I had prepared and practiced at least ten times in the last few minutes. “Sorry, I was just wondering if you wanted me to bring you lunch today. I can pick up some take out, and the baby and I can come visit. Give you a little break; I know you’ve been working hard.”
“Ryan, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got work to do. I don’t have the luxury of sitting home all day,” he huffed and ended our call without another word.
He really was a jerk. It was hard to remember a time when he wasn’t mean. I placed my phone on the kitchen counter and pulled some stationary from a drawer.