I SPENT THE rest of our Sunday lounging with my girl, but as I lay in my bed, with the silence surrounding me, I couldn’t help but think of Joshua. The fact that he went out of his way to get Gracie a stuffed bear caused my chest to tighten. And the way I practically ran out of the church was downright embarrassing. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it. I didn’t understand why he seemed to like me. I was damaged goods, he really had no idea what he was trying to get himself into. He deserved someone pure and good. Someone who hadn’t been through the mess that I’d allowed myself to be immersed in. Someone who deserved him, and that wasn’t me.
You are worthy.
The words ran through my mind and caused my heart to pound against my chest. I assumed my sub-conscious was trying to convince me of something other than the truth. But the overwhelming urge that followed made me wonder, and I began to whisper.
“God.” I let out a deep sigh and glanced around the empty room, unsure of how I felt about this unfamiliar territory, but continued anyway.
“I know I’m new to this, to you, and I’m trying to understand all of it. But I know I’m supposed to come to you with my doubts and my fears. And I’m full of both of them. I just want Gracie safe and happy. Please, please, help me with that. Please help me to keep her away from Aaron. Please.” I tried to remember what the preacher had spoken about God’s power and didn’t want to dwell on Aaron’s. I felt guilty comparing the two and changed the subject.
“And I don’t understand what Joshua sees in me, I really don’t. He seems so good, and he deserves someone equal to his goodness. That’s not me. I wish it was, but I know better.”
You are worthy.
I started getting a little freaked out when I heard the words once more. It was almost audible, but not.
“In Jesus name, Amen,” I muttered quickly, and turned on my side, when a sudden sense of peace fell over me. My body sank into my bed, the cool pillow resting comfortably beneath me, causing my racing thoughts to subside.
***
“Why am I such a mess?” I whined, sliding into the cold metal chair across from Vicky.
“What do you mean? You’re cute as a button, and you make these uniform shirts look flattering. That I’ll never understand.” She popped a grape in her mouth and gave me a wink.
“Um, thanks.” I shook my head in confusion and continued with my pity party. “But I mean me, as a person,” I giggled.
“And just what do you mean by that?” Her voice became firm, and I recognized her motherly tone. I’d watched her use it on her kids more than once.
“Just...Joshua.” I let out a deep sigh, my shoulders slumping.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re not a mess, Ryan. You’re an overcomer. Don’t you realize how powerful that is?”
I didn’t.
“Ryan Frost, please come to the Human Resources office. Ryan Frost to the Human Resources department.” The sound of my name announced over the intercom startled me, and I looked at Vicky who gave me an unknowing look.
“Why would they want to see me?” The worst-case scenarios began rolling around in my mind.
“I have no idea.” She shrugged her shoulders.
“Do you think they’re firing me?” I bit the inside of my cheek.
“No way, you’re doing great. I’m sure it’s nothing bad.” She brushed off my comment as the next fear rolled off my tongue.
“Do you think he found me?” My eyes began to well up with tears.
“No, no way. Just go see and stop assuming the worst.”
“Okay. You’re right.” I stood up and flinched as the metal chair let out a screech while I scooted it back up to the table.
I made my way to the Human Resources office on the other side of the building, my knees shaking the whole way, different fears rushing my mind. I tried to put them aside as I knocked lightly on the partially opened door.
“Hello, Ryan. Please come in. Have a seat.” Danielle, the director who hired me, gave me a big smile as she sat in her plush leather chair.
“Hello.” I gave a fake smile and did as she asked.
“How are you?” She glanced at her computer screen before turning her attention to me.
“Good. I hope.” I couldn’t hide my worry.
“Oh, no. Everything’s fine. Don’t be nervous.” She smiled wide and opened a folder that sat on her desk. I tried to let her comment assure me, although it didn’t really work.
“Okay, thank you.” I crossed my legs, pressing both of my hands on my knee, trying to control the shaking.
“When you first got hired on, I noticed that you had a business degree in marketing.” She glanced up from the file and waited for my response.
“I do, yes. But I never really utilized it. I got married right out of college and became a full-time mom.”
“I see. But you do have the degree, and we like to promote within. You’ve become familiar with the company, and your department supervisor had great things to say about you.”
A smile crossed my face, allowing hope to fill me, something I wasn’t very familiar with.
“We have a marketing position available, and I’d like to offer you the position. You would be paid salary, it would be a significant pay increase. As well as quarterly bonuses.”
I felt the sudden urge to cry. Not out of sadness, but joy. Pure joy.
“Um, would my hours change?” I asked, hoping she would give me the answer I needed.
“The hours are Monday-Friday, eight to five. No weekends or holidays.”
“That’s perfect,” I whispered through the huge grin that was planted on my face.
“I’m glad you said that. Is this something you would be interested in?” She lifted her glasses and placed them on her head.
“Absolutely. I’d love it.” I nodded.
“I’m glad to hear it. I’d like for you to start immediately. Finish your lunch break and then meet me back here right after.” She stood to her feet.
“I will. Thank you so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.” I held my hand out for her to shake, unable to downplay the huge grin on my face.
“I believe you’ll be a great fit for the marketing team. Now, go get some fuel in you, you’ve got a busy day ahead of you.” She gave me a smile that seemed so genuine I wanted to hug her. I didn’t of course.
“Thanks again.” I nodded and turned my back to her, almost wanting to skip back to the break room.
As I rounded the corner, I almost ran right into Vicky.
“Oh, you scared me!” I giggled.
“I was curious. What’s up?” She gave me a side glance.
“I got promoted!”
“Really? Ryan, that’s great! Congratulations!” She wrapped me in a tight embrace.
“Thank you! I can’t believe I’m actually going to use my degree.” I had given that dream up years ago.
“You deserve it! This calls for a celebration! This is perfect!” She clapped her hands in excitement.
“What kind of celebration?”
“A celebratory dinner! Tonight, my treat!” She looped her arm through mine as we began our way back to the break room.
“I’d love that, but Gracie is on such a strict schedule.” I didn’t want to turn down her gift, but I had to keep my daughter on track.
“No worries, Madi can babysit. If that’s okay with you?”
“Will she want to?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question. She loved Gracie and had already offered to watch her several times, determined that I needed adult time.
“Are you kidding? Of course!”
“Well, in that case...okay, I’d love to. Thanks, Vicky!”
“You deserve this, Ryan. All of it. Don’t ever doubt that.” She pulled me closer as we walked and for once I started to believe her confidence in me.