I HEARD A light tap on the door of my new residence and immediately jumped. I had to slow my breathing before standing to my feet, the trembling in my body making it hard to stand. I looked over at Gracie who was covering her stuffed bunny with a blanket and trying to shove her pacifier in its mouth that was sewn shut.
“Babababa,” she babbled, slapping her hands over the pink animal’s face with a smile.
I took another look around my new small room, taking in my surroundings and immediately worried that it was Aaron on the other side of the door. I tried to find something to protect myself, but the room was bare other than a twin-size bed with a crib and small dresser. Then I came to my senses and realized it couldn’t be him. There’s no way he could find me, at least not this soon. Not to mention, he would kick the door in. A light knock wouldn’t be part of any scenario that he was involved in.
I finally stood and walked cautiously over to the door, peeking my head out before opening it any further. I saw a short woman with black hair pulled into a tight bun, but it was her eyes that caught my attention. The chocolate hue was warm and kind. She gave me a tiny smile but didn’t speak until I opened the door a little wider.
“Hi there. I’m Cheryl. I’m a volunteer here at Safe Haven. Is it okay if I come in? We can leave the door open if you’d like. Or I can come back later. It’s completely up to you, Ryan.” Her mouth formed a sympathetic smile as she waited for my response.
I hated that everything made me so fearful. The rational part of me knew that everyone wasn’t out to hurt me. But I couldn’t shake the worry. I’d been so isolated for so long, I didn’t know what it was like to have normal interactions with people, let alone relationships. I spent years worried about every word that came out of my mouth or looking over my shoulder, scared that I was going to get in trouble for making an unscheduled stop at Target. I didn’t know what it was like to live a life without constant caution and fear.
“You can come in.” I opened the door just enough for her to walk through and then I closed the door behind her, letting out an unintentional sigh.
“Thank you.” Her voice was just as kind as her eyes, and I tried to relax, just a little.
I sat back down on the bed, where Gracie was now crawling into my lap, pressing her face against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close.
“So, this is Miss Gracie, she’s just precious.” She stood firm a few steps away from us, holding a note pad in her hand.
“Thank you.” I allowed myself to smile as I rubbed my daughter’s back gently.
“First, I want to let you know, that you’re safe here. No one can hurt you.” Her words were meant to assure me, but I wasn’t quite sure yet. She didn’t know Aaron and how controlling he was. I tried not to let myself imagine the rage that I knew he’d gone into when he realized I was gone. He would be on a mission to find me and hurt me—or kill me. I had no doubt about that.
“Okay.” I didn’t want her to know how scared I was. I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their help, but Aaron was powerful. I wasn’t naïve about what he was capable of.
“I know you don’t believe me right now. But time will change your outlook, I promise you.” I didn’t respond verbally, I just nodded.
“Abusive men want us to believe they’re strong and that you don’t stand a chance against them. But it’s not true. Men who abuse women are cowards. You are so much stronger than you think you are. And you have that beautiful little girl. You can do this.” I saw the conviction in her eyes and I knew in that moment she had her own story, which gave me comfort. And she was right about one thing, I had Gracie. And protecting her was my number one priority. She was the reason I left in the first place.
For her.
“I know that you met with Molly; she got you all set up. Is there anything else you need?” She glanced around the room and wrote a few words in her note pad.
“I’m okay. She was helpful.” I gripped Gracie a little tighter as I felt her breathing even out, letting me know she was dozing off.
“She’s a gem.” She gave me an acknowledging smile. “She saved me.” Her eyes looked distant for a fleeting moment before she turned her attention back to me. “But that’s a story for another time.”
“Do you mind if I take a seat?” Cheryl asked, and nodded toward the bed.
“No, please. I’m sorry, go ahead.”
“Don’t apologize.” She waved my apology away as she took a seat on the bed.
“Our job here is to get you to a safe place and make sure you have all of the necessities for you and Miss Gracie. We offer individual counseling as well as group sessions twice a day. We have a staff that can help you get on your feet, get a job, a place of your own, child care, etcetera. Now, of course those things take time, so just know that this is a process.” The thought of doing all those things on my own caused a tear to slide down my cheek.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to overwhelm you. I know it’s a lot to take in your first day here.”
“No, it’s not that. I want all those things. I want to do this. I just never thought it was possible. I’ve been stuck for so long,” I admitted.
“Well, it’s a new day, Ryan. Take it from me, you can do this. You have the strength to start over and give your daughter, and yourself, a good life. A healthy life.”
“Is that what you did?” I needed to know from someone who had actually gone through this.
“Yes, ma’am. It is. I walked into this place with a broken rib and two hungry babies. I promise you, you can do this.”
“And now you volunteer here?” I wanted to know more about her. I needed the hope that I knew she could give me.
“Twice a week. This place saved my life and gave my kids a fresh start. It’s my job to pay it forward. And I thank the good Lord every day for providing me a way out.” She pointed her index finger to the sky and I felt a new sense of wonder, curiosity even.
“Now, it’s almost dinner time. Are you hungry?” She stood up and walked toward the door of my new room.
“Yeah, I am.” I realized I hadn’t eaten in two days, and a little food would help.
“Well come on, sweet lady.” She giggled and waved for me to follow. I stood, with Gracie on my hip, and walked closer to Cheryl. Then I did something I didn’t even expect of myself. I reached out and gave her a hug, realizing it was the first time I’d embraced anyone freely, other than Gracie, in years. I forced the tears back when she wrapped her arms around me.
“You’re gonna be just fine,” she assured me when we pulled away from each other, and I hoped more than anything that she was right.